| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I've had a relationship with a man for 9 years. Although over 9 years ago we split up for a while, but, then we got back together. He can be aggresive and spiteful, but he never physically hurts me. But it's affecting my 13 year old girl, as they don't always get on and he can scare her sometimes. I love him, but I don't want to hurt my daughter. What should I do???
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): I cant jump strait in and say leave because thats judgemental we all shout and he's only human. But its also unfair to go frightening kids like that. No matter how badly they get along he is the adult and holds full responsibility for what happens. explain to this man that the way he behaves scares your child. If he cant understand and keep his behaviour in check then if I were you Id leave at that point because ur kids shud come first
A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 "He can be aggresive and spiteful, but he never physically hurts me." Why is he doing this? Fear has nothing to do with love, ever, period. He needs to straighten up and be a man or leave. 9 years is more than enough time for him to straighten himself out. If he is not willing to do these things then you need to kick him out or leave with your daughter. I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 It can take enormous courage to decide to be single. Unfortunately in your case that is what you must do. The relationship is emotionally abusive which is a form of domestic violence. You have split up with this man in the past and that is probably for some very good reason. If you don't feel you deserve any better, think about your teenage daughter. She is at a vulnerable age. As her role model you are setting her future ambitions for a relationship rather low. She will think it is ok for men to behave this way in adult relationships and she will be at risk of falling into an abusive partnership herself. You should recognise that his spiteful behaviour is really a control issue - it is the wrongful use of emotions to have power over you. I am sure you would be very sorry if someday your little girl brought home the same sort of man as you are dating. It is through holding onto this thought that you say goodbye to this man. Your daughter should always take priority.
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A
female
reader, live2loveandlearn  +, writes (27 February 2011):
Generally it is the held belief that a mother should place the best interest of her child above herself. A scared child is not a happy child and cannot flourish the way a child that feels safe can.I myself had a partner for over two years who was, as you say, "aggressive and spiteful". In addition he was emotionally manipulative/abusive and insanely jealous to the point where nearly all of my contact with friends and family was cut off. I loved him dearly - he was in fact my first love, and I gave myself to him completely. He never physically hurt me either, but honestly I feared it. I worried in the back of my mind that he may one day be physically aggressive towards me, though to anyone who asked, I'd quickly defend him and say he would never do such a thing. This was something I didn't realize I feared until very late in the relationship, because I didn't want to believe it.Any person who can be described as "aggressive and spiteful" tends to have the potential to turn that aggression into physical violence towards others. If he doesn't turn it toward you, there is the possibility of it turning towards your daughter. She no doubt senses this, hence her being scared. This is especially true if she has come to you and tell you that he scares her. That is a red-flag heralding that all is not well.Use your own judgment, but be aware of the dangers that are possible with an agressive partner towards yourself and your children, and be aware of the environment you may be placing your child to grow up in - I am certain you only want what is best for her.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (27 February 2011):
You have a daughter- she needs to be your number one priority.
If this man is making her unhappy then you should leave him.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (27 February 2011):
 they are right. You have to let him go and focus on your daughter.
At this point you have to choose. Do you want to hurt him by leaving a grown man that is causing your daughter pain?
Do you want to hurt your daughter by dismissing her and protecting a guy that is hurting your daughter mentally?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011): Leave him. Trust me, it's only a matter of time before he puts his hands on you.
Don't put your daughter through a terrible childhood. It will effect her deeply, as i'm sure it has already. Parents never seem to realise the damage they can do.
It is effecting her, more then you'll ever know. If you continue in this relationship it will effect her future with men as well. Leave.
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A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 Why do you want to be in a relationship with a man who is spiteful to you? It sounds like you have not much respect for yourself. I know its hard but I feel you are only in the relationship for the little companionship you get which does not sound like much.
Think about a better life for you and your daughter - get out of it!
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