A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I wrote in yesterday and got a lot of very negative and hurtful comments from so-called agony aunts on here who seemed to think they know all about my relationship when they have never met me or my girlfriend. I wrote back to defend myself but nobody has replied and I assume it's because they can't handle that they were wrong about me. The question was about getting my girl to open up, and you were all taking her side even though you don't even know me. I just really wanted an understanding ear instead of someone else telling me that I somehow deserve to have the police on my back. If there is anything I have done wrong of course I apologize from the bottom of my heart and we can resolve that. After all I am not one to bare a grudge and I would be very understanding for example if my girlfriend explained her fears rather than just running away and burying her feelings. There's nothing I want more than to be there for her and share wonderful moments such as looking at the stars, listening to our lovely blackbird singing and learning about the wild flowers as they come up in spring like we did last year.But you all seem to think I have done something terribly wrong for not just walking away from our love and everything we share.I just wish you would learn to open your minds and develop some compassion for someone heartbroken rather than blaming me in this way.If I cannot get support from a dating 'advice' site, where else is there? And what has the world come to when you ask a simple question of some strangers and they leap to conclusions without taking stock of the actual situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): Sometimes aunts and uncles do maybe come over tad harsh tad direct, reason for this is they want the poster to normally sit up and say. Right that's what I'm doing wrong or going wrong way about it, but we aint judging .I didn't read your original post say cant comment. Listen sweetie when break ups happen for whatever reason ( I'm a mental health nurse). Emotions are supper charged on each side and sometimes, it's best to back step and say to your gf I know your angry but when we've both calmed down can we met somewhere have lunch and talk not shout or row just talk . If you need closure then it's best to wait it out. If you pressurise someone to talk( and that can happen without realising you are) then taking a deep breath and backstep is a good way forward. Give your gf time say a fortnight then send her a letter just write what you put here, regarding her feelings etc. ask to met for closure is that's what she wants if you don't tell her you still love her but you will respect her wishes if that's what she wants. You cannot make someone love you.. If she doesn't . But you can rebuild a relationship slowly if you both do, takes time hard work and as you said communication and you would need to discuss these aspects with your gf if that's the road you both decide to take.Take care and please keep us posted . Lou x
A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (16 February 2013):
 It's all perception, isn't it? Nothing personal, just other peoples perception of your situation.
If I had personally witnessed the screaming mother scenario from a strangers perspective, I would have simply assumed that she was being protective of her daughter.
If the screaming mother/daughter scene had taken place at YOUR home location, I would feel a little more sympathy towards you, but still assume you had done something wrong.
And yet, you say you have done nothing wrong at all.
There are always two sides to every story, and I do like to see a balanced response to a question, but in your original post, you never explained the issue, you simply ask how to get your ex to open her heart.
If you don't give facts about the problem, how can any aunt or uncle give a balanced answer based on their own experience or knowledge?
Without information, all anyone can do is make an assumption and be a little judgemental.
Perhaps if you elaborate on the situation, you may see some more informed responses.
One word of caution.
If an ex or current girlfriend threatened me with the police, I would stay well clear of her, no matter WHAT the situation, or who I thought was right or wrong. It can only end badly.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (16 February 2013):
 This has been a theme I have seen recently in several posts. And it is worrying. People come here for advice. Not to be charged with being a faker or a troll. Not to be told they are too young to know grief. I can assure you that even a three year old can feel grief.Being in love can make people feel a little crazy. And people can lose focus. Though trying and trying and trying again to make contact does suggest that you need to step back and re-focus. That can be done without accusing you of being a criminal. You are love struck. And some people respond in ways in real life (such as her mother) where aggression and bias take over from common sense. I draw your attention to recent posters who have been complaining about this judgemental bias from a minority.First this article http://www.dearcupid.org/question/being-a-good-agony-aunt-or-uncle.htmlAnd then in a follow up by an OP to a question asked.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/its-been-4-years-but-i-want-closure.htmlTruth is stranger than fiction. Just because I have never been divorced, never been sexually abused, etc does not mean I need to cast aspersions on people's whose experiences are unlike anything I have ever known.I applaud your question on this occasion, because I think if any question is not to the liking of any Aunt or an Uncle then they are free to choose another question.And if a question is very distasteful then there are Moderators who can choose to not put it through.If the Moderator has thought it was a crime then your question would not have been approved. If the post really bothers an Aunt or Uncle they can choose to boycott the question. But where is the rule that says that people asking questions need to be castigated, verbally abused or told they are idiots, fools, dumb etc? If the responses really bother the Original Poster (OP) then please write a follow up that can be noticed by the Moderators. Sarcasm is not wit and it is not smart. It is cruel.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): I totally agree with this post that has been made,some agony aunts and uncles get soo judgemental,if there is something on your mind ask it in the form of question so you get to know the depth of the problem before making statements!I feel some of the agony aunts here think they know it all,people come here with broken hearts,depression,noone else to talk to,all they want is some advise,rather than harshful statements,and judging them..Any advise can be given in a polite manner as well!remember u don't know this person so just based on the problem you give advise,so don't judge the person,just stick to finding the solution to the problem..and I would also like to tell agony aunts and uncles 'u need therapy' which has become a favourite statement please keep in mind some are not wealthy enough to seek a counsellor,pay for therapy,so they need ur words to encourage and motivate them..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): OP with all due respect your thinking is very warped or you're a troll but I'm going to treat this as real.
The way you take what we say so vehemently personally and take great exception to it is one way. The way you've been going about the thing with your ex is another.
People weren't actually that harsh in your original question, and honestly you should be glad I didn't see it and reply, check my profile and answers to other people to see what I mean. I'm brutal but generally fair.
OP you need to get professional help. You need to go seek counselling. A woman tells you she's so scared of you that she's going to call the police and you see nothing wrong, it's all just a beautiful "fight for love" romantic fantasy to you. You came here then looking for validation of your thinking and for a load of people to swoon over how romantic amazing your love for her is, yet all you got was panic and fear OP. Complete strangers here you story and even they're afraid of the kind of person who do this kind of thing. Does that not open your eyes? Does that not say something about how you're going about this? No, apparently it doesn't, we're just a bunch of evil assholes putting up another obstacle to your love.
You know what OP, I'm in my mid-30's, I'm build like a brick shit house and trophy winning cage fighter and even I'm a little afraid of the person you seem to be. Your mind is so filled with singing blackbirds and glittering stars that you fail to see how utterly messed up you sound. Who the hell ever needs to say they "wouldn't hurt a hair on her head?" You don't need to physically hurt this woman to cause her pain OP, the very fact she's so scared as to threaten calling the cops means that you're hurting her mentally through fear and somehow you think that's okay.
It's not the people on this site that hurt your feelings OP, it's the reality of your situation which they pointed out to you. It's a pretty fucked up, and thoroughly weird thing you're doing OP.
I'm going to say one last thing to you OP then I'm going to recommend to site mods that your questions no longer be accepted on the basis that you're pretty much committing a crime right now.
http://www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/stalking_and_harassment/
Read it and understand OP she will and she should start taking immediate legal action against you. You're going to push her too far and she will respond, and you will have no one else to blame but you when she does so. You're a danger to her because you're completely deluded. Her mother has asked you to fuck off, she's even had you calling to her door.
Want to hear real negativity? You just fucking wait until the cops are knocking at your door, let's see how they view your romantic little bubble. Your fucking insane "It's meant to be, wild flowers, she is throwing away an amazing future, I am prepared to help her get past these fears she has got, her mother screaming at me, calling me a stalker but I'm the most honest man she'll ever meet and I'd never hurt her."
You think the others were harsh? No OP they were telling you to wake the fuck up, snap the fuck out of it and set her free.
You need professional help because you're insanely deluded and you will boil over and hurt her, you're hurting her mentally now and seemingly nothing is going to change your "it's meant to be" fantasy you have. You sound mentally ill.
Go get help before she calls the police, and if you don't want to hear the "nasty" truth then why the fuck ask people. We're supposed to care about your feelings? No OP, she's the one who is getting fucked here, not you. You're the cause of this issue and you won't fix it. You want what you want and you don't care how much you hurt her to get it. Sick twisted thinking OP. Go get help before you do something stupid.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 February 2013):
 Are you the poster whose exgirlfriend said she would contact police if you tried to contact her again?
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (16 February 2013):
When you ask for advice, you should do so with the expectation that it mightn’t be what you want to hear. You can sit in condemnation of the good people who gave their time to try and help you out if you like, and you’re welcome to form your own view of this site, whilst the vast numbers of people who value our advice can have their views too. Looking at this original question, it seems as though people were trying to tell you that this lady isn’t interested in you. Her behaviour shows that she doesn’t want to be with you and you need to accept that. Whilst that may be hard to hear, what else do you expect? If you didn’t want an objective interpretation from outsiders of your situation then you shouldn’t have asked for one, and perhaps you might like to learn a bit of gratitude.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (16 February 2013):
 well I have read the original post and I have to say there were some very harsh replys, however they weren't wrong in what they were saying. You are coming across as being very stalkerish, I understand how deeply inlove you are, so you need to give her space, this is why she wants to get the police involved for if you go there again, your freaking her out with how much love you have for her. Sometimes it can be very overbearing for such effection upon one person. If she really is your soulmate then leave her be she will come back to you, if she don't then the only thing you can do and have to do is move on for your own sanity. what will be will be, but you can't make someone love you if they no longer do, as upsetting as that may be you just can't.
Mandy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): No one is saying you are a bad guy or that you would ever hurt her, but continually trying to contact someone who has told you to leave them alone is not normal behaviour. People are not trying to be harsh, they are simply trying to make you see that the way you are acting is freaking her out. I know that is not your intention, but she wouldn't say she is going to call the police on you unless she felt she had a good reason. You NEED to move on and leave this girl alone or you could get yourself into real trouble. Acting the way you are right now is clearly not working and is not going to change her mind.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (15 February 2013):
 Was this your question:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-get-her-to-open-her.html
If you post a follow up after getting replies, you should ideally do so with the code/ password provided (it's given after you submit your question), so that aunts and uncles can see that you've posted a follow up, and people can give more opinions accordingly.
Otherwise people have no idea that you've posted a follow up, or they might think it's a fake follow up from some one completely different.
Hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 February 2013):
Could I get a link to the question you're referring to? I'd click your username, but you're anonymous.
As for the feedback you're getting, I'm sorry you feel this way but please remember we're all human beings here and we all have flaws ourselves. Secondly, keep in mind that lots of context gets lost online. Like you said, we don't know you and your gf and we therefore don't know about the finer points and nuances. We can only see what you write to us.
There could be a lot going on beneath the surface, but we can't see that. So try to read over what you write and see what the tone-of-voice the post is. Some people post here with great intentions, but because they can't get it across on paper very well, they'll leave a different, sometimes even negative impression behind. On the other hand, some of those very harsh responses you received may not be intended to be the way you perceived them.
In any case, I can only guess what happened here. A link would be helpful!
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (15 February 2013):
HI
Not sure what the original question was you asked, but everyone on here will reply with what you gave them. If you came across a certain way they will answer honestly , please or offend it's true to how they see it. could you tell me a little about your original question? maybe I can be of some help or maybe you wont like my advice either but it's worth a try right?
Mandy
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