A
female
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anonymous
writes:Is it possible to fall out of love with someone after 20 years of marriage? My husband and I married quite young (19 yrs.old) we have no children, though I've always wanted a family -- he did not.I think I knew after within the first 5 years of marriage that he did not fulfill me. But I kept thinking it was just a phase, and it would eventually pass. He is a good person, but very introverted and doesn't really have much of a personality. I think I stayed partially because it felt "safe". I knew I could count on him to always be there for me. But as the years rolled into each other, I realized that I am missing out on so many things that other couples share and I long for a more fulfilling relationship.At first I thought it could be fixed by doing different things, so we traveled all over the world, we bought things; houses, cars, toys but nothing has filled the empty space our relationship lacks.I've told my husband how I feel. We've talked about ways to fix the problem, but nothing really seems to work. He is very sad about the possibility of me ending our marriage and I am sad about huring him, but also because I stayed so long, knowing it wasn't fulfilling to me.So what should I do?....Stay in an empty marriage because it's comfortable and safe -- or leave so I can salvage what's left of my life, and hopefully find a challenging, fun mate to spend the rest of my life with?....
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): Reading these posts I have noticed they all have something in common: Everyone is having trouble in relationships because theirs isnt what they though it would be. Your relation ship is what it is. if its not satisfying and after trying to reserect it, its still lifeless. maybe it is the kid but if you think a long relationship requires childbirth then after 20 years with no kid there will be some issue there. I hope this helps. if you have love the relationship will last, but I think you need kids more.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): Having been in a relationship of similar length and similar circumstances, I can give you the man's perspective.
Try counselling to bottom out what the issues are but you both have to be frank and open. Maybe childlessness is what the real issue is? Either way if you cannot resolve the issues then it's better to grasp the nettle.
What I hated at the end of my relationship was the realisation that I had been deceived for many years by somebody who I thought was struggling with other issues when the truth was that she just couldn't bring herself to tell me that she didn't love me and hadn't for some time.
Honesty really is the best policy
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A
female
reader, melschatbox  +, writes (23 January 2007):
 Anon, I think lots of women can relate to you. I have not been married as long as you (6years) but I can relate. WE have no children also. I feel a void in our life. To me something is certainly missing as well..I've often wondered if kids would make me feel more like a family..but I don't think thats my problem. What first attracted me to him was a physical connection. He was funny..but a little annoying also. I thought he would grow up through the marriage, but find that has not really been the case. He's a good guy to ..so I can relate to why you stay. IT's a safe place to be..and afterall, when you're single everyone seems to want to be married. It's a risk, a gamble to see if their is a better match out there for us..but I think you know deep in your heart that what you're missing your current husband just can not fulfill...no fault of his..it's just that way. I truly wish you the best ...as I can empathize. Feel free to email me....
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A
female
reader, SERENE  +, writes (23 January 2007):
Hi there!
I can relate to you, because I am practically in the same situation, married for the same number of years. I have tried the various things that we did while we were still younger and thought that this would "bridge" the gap, but unfortunately for me this has still not happened. I just feel that the longer you stay,the wider or bigger the "gap" becomes.I questioned myself and know that I only stay on, because of the children, but once they leave home then I know that I would feel the same emptiness that you feel. I understand completely that you love him, but you are "not" in love and thats what seperates you from the other couples. The spark is gone and no matter how hard you try nothing really seems to work. It's not easy to give up on a marriage that is 20 years old, but ask yourself if you can go through another 20 years of what you have? Fulfillment in any relationship is so important and if the relationship lacks that, then there will always be a ache in your heart.The choice is yours to make, but make a choice thats going to make you happy.
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A
female
reader, CarrieMagdelene +, writes (22 January 2007):
 Hey! Perhaps you guys need to get into some activities like travelling and exploring. Find common interests you never knew you had. Take a trip to disney world, a hike up a mountain...Anything to get you guys laughing and talking.
Still, it is possible to get bored, lose interest, or have changed feelings. Maybe you were in love with the man you had known but not completely. What attracted you to him in the first place, and does that still attract you. If you married him because he had a great personality, and now you're realizing, hey, he's got like no personality, then that's probably your problem. Only YOU can come up with the answer, not him, although he's probably a big help in the matter.
Bottom line is, you have to think about what attracted you to him and if it's still there, and if you're happy. If you're bored and living a dulled-down life, that's not happy, it's unhealthy. Hope this helps! -Carrie.
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