A
male
age
51-59,
*ike48846
writes:I have been married for seven years and my wife just moved out last week. I love her very much and I don't know what to do. She says that she needs time to find herself. To top this all off we have two kids. I want her back so much. What do I do? I must also include that she is mad at me for looking at porn on the internet. I know that I have hurt her very badly. I am going to a counselor for help in this matter. I just would like someone to give me some advise I what my best approach to get my wife back?Thanks
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moved out, porn, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): How much did you look at porn on the internet? Your understanding of how much you hurt her is good first step. But be careful--my ex also had periods where he understood my pain, followed by his wanting me to get over it in a few days. You need to understand on a very deep level how crushing the agony can be for the partner. And, depending on just how much you used, it might be a good idea for you to be less concerned about getting her back and more about dealing with a potential addiction. It's not likely she'll get over this quickly, don't expect that. She will need to see that you are serious about getting help, and that means possibly not just seeing a counselor, but a specialist in sex addiction. (And, while motivations can be fuzzy, make sure you do this first and foremost for yourself and because you are committed to never hurting another partner in this way.) THEN maybe you can address together whatever other reasons she may have had for leaving.
I am sorry you lost someone you love, but it does sound like you have a grasp on the problem. Good luck to you. I hope you can reconcile with your wife since it sounds like that is what you want. But trust me, even if don't, your efforts to heal will open up a wonderful world to you.
A
female
reader, thinky2  +, writes (17 September 2008):
Relationship fundamental: if one member of a couple has a problem, then it should really be a problem shared. You might think porn is just good fun; for a lot of women it signifies the abuse of actors, neglect of the marriage, a husband who woulkd prefer to be with 18yr olds if he could get away with it.
You need ot have a long talk with her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): It sounds like she was looking for an excuse to leave you and porn was the most convenient.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (14 June 2008):
 How much of a "problem" do you have with porn?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): I myself have issues with porn. It is something that I have never looked at and something I dont really understand. It makes me feel like I have to compete with what my fiance has seen. He realized what a huge deal it was to me and my self esteem and stopped. What you need to do is completely stop and then go talk to your wife and let her know. Then ask her the real reason she left and say that you love her so much you are willing to fix whatever is wrong. Porn being one of those examples. I think the porn just irritated her all ready bruised self esteem. Now you just have to find out what hurt her in the first place!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): To other female anonymous poster, porn is not a crime, but looking at it while you're in a stable relationship is a drain on your time and energy, just like spending all night playing poker with the guys instead of helping your wife take care of the kids. Instead of spending your spare time building your relationship, you're wanking in front of a screen, and possibly even spending money that belongs to the two of you.
It's thoughtless, kind of like stuffing yourself at McDonald's even though you know that your wife works hard to cook a nice dinner from scratch.
Do you think that the porn was the last straw in a heap of grievances, or just one single big issue with your wife?
Best of luck, hope you can get her back and stick to your resolution of being a satisfying husband.
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male
reader, wildman +, writes (14 June 2008):
 sounds to me like there might be more than just porn. If not, she needs to get a life, porn is no big deal. good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): you dont have to run after her, tell her how sorry you are, use sms,letter,email etc. and just let it go, go with the flow.. she just really need time and space to think.. she will come back to you.. but she really need time to find her self and realise that we are not living in old century..were just a human., helloooo looking at porn is not a big crime and not a big mistake..
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): Write her a letter telling her how sorry you are, and what you intend to do to change. Unfortunately many women are upset by porn, so it would be in your best interests to destroy it immediately and never let her catch you looking at such things again.
Unfortunately, it seems that you have greater problems than just your porn use. She needs to find herself, is code for she's unhappy with your marriage and trying to find a way out. Talk to her and find out what you could do to make her happy, what could you do to improve your relationship.
If she dosen't wish to talk, or has no solutions, you should probably accept that this relationship is over and make plans to live your life as a single man and a good father.
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