A
male
age
30-35,
*ensativeguy010
writes:hey agony aunts, im in a pickle and need some advice. Ive been with my girlfriend for a little over a month now, and the first few weeks went great, but then she started feeling sick and went to the doctor and found out she was 6 weeks pregnant from the last guy she dated. i went over to her house and she told me all about it crying and said she felt horrible about it and that it was a total accident because she was taking antibiotics with her brith control which negates the birth control, so she got prego without knowing. and i was rly mad but couldnt blame her so i stuck with her, then a week and a half later she had a miscarraige, and then a few days later found out she has ovarian cancer. I dont know if this all has to do with my problem but lately she seems less caring about me, she used to say she missed me all the time but now she wont even say it unless i say it to her, and she used to always tell me how attractive i was but not lately, and she hasnt asked me to hang with her or anything, im always asking her and seems like half the time it doesnt work out cuz of personal matters. she does tell me all the time that she loves me but it just feels like she doesnt care anymore cuz she never asks me to come hang out or that she misses me, and never rly flirts anymore. i wonder if this is all just because of shes got alot on her plate from the miscarraige and ovarian cancer or is she losing interest?
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (1 June 2011):
 ok, i understand i was thinking a bit selfish. but none of you have the right to judge me.Grow up. You came on a public site asking a question. You got a response and an OVERWHELMING smack over the head that you are incredibly immature and self centered.Deal with your paranoia without involving this poor girl. MAYBE her Mom did not want her going out with YOU? At this time in her life, she shouldnt have to spend ANY time making YOU feel better.
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (30 May 2011):
 o.mi.god. This girl - aged 18 or so? - lose a baby and finds out she is possibly going to die horribly before she has hardly lived, and you wonder if she is going off you???????????????????????????????????
it is not to do with you. it is to do with her. just try for one second to think how you would feel if you were told tomorrow you baby just died and also have cancer and are going to die. how the hell would you feel?
you need to focus now on total support, getting her eggs frozen, getting ovaries removed, beating the cancer, and then probably a surrogate carrying a child/children for her. because that will be the best scenario she can hope for. so again, i say, how do you think she feels?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 May 2011):
Putting it bluntly, she might die. There are no questions that you need to ask.
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A
male
reader, a-g55 +, writes (28 May 2011):
 Like I said pal. Let her come to you. dont smother. when someone is diagnosed with a life threatening illness. there are a series of phases a person goes through. denial...anger....Numbness/depression.....then acceptance.
what ever you do wont be appreciated until she has come to terms with everything. she is pushing you away because she thinks its best if nobody exept her family are close to her. she fears dying so she feels guilty letting you in as she will leave you behind.
so back off for a while. send her cards but thats it. dont worry tho. she will contact you for sure.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 May 2011):
 HECK NO !
You have to expect even worse than that, you have to expect mood swings, and her being preoccupied with her things, and maybe self centered, and fickle.
You have to accept that she is still sort of in shock, and she is gonna perhaps act out of character , and needs to do whatever she needs to do for herself to feel better. Last things she needs are your pressures and lamentations.
It's not easy for anybody, and perhaps it's way beyond the maturity level of a regular 18 y.o. . Therefore, if you are not going to be a patient, supportive, selfless companion- leave her now. She needs to battle against a powerful enemy, and she needs to win - she needs all the peace of mind and emotional energy to do that, she can't squander it on your insecurities .
She has been diagnosed with ovarian CANCER, do you get it ?
Go check a medicine textbook , and see what it can happen to her in a worst case scenario ( which obviously we hope and pray it won't happen ) and see if you still feel that your big problem compare !
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A
male
reader, Sensativeguy010 +, writes (28 May 2011):
Sensativeguy010 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, i understand i was thinking a bit selfish. but none of you have the right to judge me. I make her a priority i tell her every day im there for her no matter what, and i give her space. I have had really bad past experiences with girls which created a paranoia problem of mine causing me to overthink everything. which is why i asked this question. I know shes going through some of the toughest stuff in her life, which actually scares me so much i lose sleep every night and cannot focus at work. but when her and i plan on going to the movies one night at 8:30 and she said her mom doesnt want her to go cuz shes been sick, but then she tells me she went to a midnight preview of a movie the very next day...you dont think that would raise any questions?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (28 May 2011):
But... are you for real ???
In a short time, she got a miscarriage and she was diagnosed with CANCER- a life threatening disease and also in the best cases something involving long periods of theraphy and all the related discomfort and anxiety-
... and you wonder how come she is not so lovey -dovey ??
Let me tell you, this ain't gonna work. No way.
She is going to go through a difficult time, in which her moods may swing, and she may feel sad, angry, irritable, depressed, scared.... she needs a guy who is a rock and says "no matter what, I am here for you ". Not a child who sulks because she forgot to compliment his new haircut !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): RedAthena is spot on here. Your girlfriend has had some big news hit her, not once, not twice but three times. Life altering (possibly life ending) developments and you're only concern is that she isn't paying enough attention to you.This is naïveté, it's just plain callous. As is the advice from a-g55 who treats this whole thing as though your girlfriend were just playing hard to get. Like it was some mating strategy.When your girlfriend wakes up in the morning she is wondering if she'll be alive in 2 years. She's wondering if she'll be able to have children. She is worrying about nausea and hair loss when she undergoes treatment. She's worried about a whole lot of things. She probably can't countertrade on much else. Morning, noon and night she is scared. She feels alone. And you're concerned she's isn't making you feel handsome and special. Talk about putting yourself first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): RedAthena is spot on here. Your girlfriend has had some big news hit her, not once, not twice but three times. Life altering (possibly life ending) developments and you're only concern is that she isn't paying enough attention to you.This is isn't naivete, it's just plain callous. As is the advice from a-g55 who treats this whole thing as though your girfriend were just playing hard to get. Like it was some mating strategy.When your girlfriend wakes up in the morning she is wondering if she'll be alive in 2 years. She's wondering if she'll be able to have children. She is worrying about nausea and hair loss when she undergoes treatment. She's worried about a whole lot of things. She probably can't contrentrate on much else. Morning, noon and night she is scared. She feels alone. And you're concerned she's isn't making you feel handsome and special. Talk about putting yourself first.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (28 May 2011):
She just found out that she has CANCER. She has a SERIOUS ILLNESS that could alter her LIFE.You are worried about your own feelings? Do her a favor and walk away. Find someone else to baby you.She has better things to do.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 May 2011):
I'll forgive your naivety, because you're a young guy and you've got a lot to learn.
Basically, your girlfriend has been hit with such a load of shit, that naturally she's going to be all over the place. I'm guessing she's about your age, and in the space of a month, she's found out she's pregnant, miscarried and now has cancer. I personally know only two other people who have had that crap a start to life - 1 is a friend who was orphaned aged 14, and another is a friend who was raped.
The pregnancy will have come as a shock. She was on birth control, and wasn't expecting it anyway, and she then split up. So to be smacked in the face with a pregnancy will have come as a shock, and will have thrown her emotions all over the place.
Then, she miscarried. So just as she was getting her head around being pregnant and becoming a mom, she had that taken away. Again, that will have thrown her over the place.
Now she has cancer, which a you'll know is life threatening and energy consuming. Worse, it's ovarian cancer, which could well lead to her not being able to have children.
The short version of this is she's gone from not expecting to be a mom, to pregnancy, to the possibility of never being able to have kids and having to go through gruelling treatment.
That's a lot of stuff to get through her head, and right now she'll need to deal with that more than you, because you're something in her life that's not gone entirely wrong, so you can look after yourself. What you need to do is now put her entirely first. Forget waiting for her to come to you, flirt with you, tell her she loves you etc - she simply needs to deal with other things first.
Be a good, loyal, understanding boyfriend and just be there for her. Expect nothing from her at this time. That's all you can do.
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A
male
reader, a-g55 +, writes (27 May 2011):
Hey,
try this,
back of completely, dont text or call or anything, let her have her space and wait for her to contact you. she wont miss you until your gone.
trust me. this will work. my advice to any man is to ignore women as much as you can as they will then come and do the chasing if they are seriously into you!
andy
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A
female
reader, Mazamoo +, writes (27 May 2011):
wo wo wo wo... shes in shock and is going to be distant dont pressurise her to say things you need to hear just be there for her and supportive. time will heal but dont be selfish. it may or may not work... good luck
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