A
male
age
41-50,
*ke1981
writes:I've been involved with a girl for three years. We've been in a long distance relationship for almost two years. I've tried hard to make the long distance thing work. It almost did, as she is planning on moving to live with me in 6 months after she graduates from college.Recently, I found out that she had a month long affair with another guy from her college town. She also confessed to dating and kissing another guy a year ago. I almost left her, but decided to give it a chance. She says that she loves me more than ever and only now realizes how much in love she is with me and how she wants to make us work. I believe her. I'm 28 and she is only 22. She hasn't had many life experiences, and understand getting cold feet at that age.The problem is that with her young age came many flaws. I overlooked them because I was in love with her. Now, after I found out about the affair, it took me two months to come to terms with it. However, I now find myself distant and not even jealous of the other guy. All the flaws I overlooked for a long time now seriously annoy me. I almost feel like I fell out of love with this girl. Does anyone know if it's possible to fall out of love with some one, or am I still just reacting to the affair?I did love this girl and I feel like I still do, it just doesn't fell the same anymore. And she is devastated and tells me that she falls more in-love with me every day and wants us to be together.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, bitch +, writes (2 December 2009):
Absolutely! I suffered the same issue after my husband told me he cheated and had sex with prostitutes throughout our marriage. At first I was very forgiving because for one thing, they were not romantic affairs of the heart. And also he seemed very ashamed and sad about his cheating on me. I felt bad for him. But over the next year or so, the little things that I use to overlook became more annoying to me. I started to resent him and when he got mad at me, I would think to myself, this ass#$*& is mad at me for practically nothing and he did what on top of being an ass%^%#! I started to really dislike him. I was mad at him for cheating. Everytime we had a disagreement i would start thinking about how he cheated and it made me even more mad than I would normally be if he didn't cheat. Now to make matters more difficult, your girlfriend had romantic affairs. It wasn't just sex and that makes it even harder to swallow. You feel resentful and angry that she did this to you. And you should. How would she feel if you did this? I fell out of love with my husband and asked for a divorce and we are now divorced. I was married 20 years! We even adopted a little girl. So yes, the answer to your question is... yes you can fall out of love with somebody when they have done something you find disrespectful and uncaring and hurtful to you. You may never fully trust her again. You should get counseling if you decide to stay in your relationship but if you decide to end the relationship, this is because you cannot accept her decision to cheat on you. It is against your morals and your values. It is ok to end this relationship. You have a very good reason. And you should not feel bad about falling out of love, anybody would if this was done to them. It forever changes how you see her.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 December 2009):
 An affair breaks trust, and does affect the way you consider your relationship or see her. I've seen it real bad where someone has an affair, they decide to make it work, but the victim of the affair sees their partner as being dirty.
Our brains are designed not only for thought, but to analyze experience, and where the experience is painful, sets up blocks to protect from future pain. That would explain the distancing and the feelings you're having.
I had a similar block years ago. My feelings for someone would reach a certain point then stop. For me, the act of love equaled pain and fear. Maybe not presently, but possibly at some point.
Another issue is her responses. Her being devastated (was she during the time of what she was doing?) You stated "She says that she loves me more than ever and only now realizes how much in love she is with me and how she wants to make us work." I'd really be weary. She might be telling you what you want to hear, and doing so out of guilt of getting caught, not necessarily meaning her feelings grew to an in depth, faithful level.
To answer your question, love is love, it exists by choice, but feelings can change and by what the other person has done can change the terms by which you choose to love them or let them go.
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