A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My man and I have been together for almost three years now, and marriage is on the cards. We’re mature (early 50s) and have both been married and divorced, so it's inevitable we each have a past. Watching the news on TV the other night there was something about a married sportsman who's been accused of using prostitutes, which led to my guy and me wondering why he’d do so when his wife is so gorgeous and glamorous.Anyway, as a sort of joke I said to my man “have YOU ever paid for sex?” thinking he was going to say something like “No way, I’ve never had to pay for it in my life!”Instead he told me that several years back, whilst working abroad (in a place where prostitution is legal) he’d paid for sex.So I asked him why ……… I suppose I was hoping he’d say that he’d been lonely, or that working in a foreign country he’d not been able to find a girlfriend and had just been desperate for sexual release.But he just said (very casually) that cause it had been legal and freely available, he’d simply decided to try it. He told me that although the sex had been good in a mechanical sort of way, it had just been a commercial transaction and therefore nothing like as good as making love with someone you’re in love with, who loves you in return.I should feel reassured by that ……but I don’t and since this revelation I’ve sort of frozen-up sexually and don’t know how to get past it. It’s not that I’m worried he’s going to cheat on me with a prostitute (or any other woman), he’s the most faithful, honest man I’ve ever known in my life, it’s cause I don’t know if he’s the man that I previously thought he was. Prior to this I believed we shared the same values and ideas on what’s decent and what’s not.Now I’m not so sure.He went to a woman he’d never met, gave her money and then had sex with her.I know she was a willing participant in the transaction, but he still just used her body as though it was just a piece of meat.Are women commodities to be bought and sold that way?This is about respect, for your own body and for other people’s. Can anyone help me deal with this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Guys, thank you for all that.
First of all can say to Laura Myer that I don’t have an issue with escorts/prostitution.
It’s not a career choice that I ever suggested to my daughter – but I certainly don’t look down on women who go into that line of work, they’re simply meeting a demand and making a living.
My problem lies with the men who use their services.
And perhaps it’s the word ‘use’ that bothers me so much - the idea that a man thinks of a woman as a commodity, to be bought like a loaf of bread. That handing over money gives him the right to use and violate another person’s body?
Even taking my own guy out of the picture, I still struggle with this in the abstract.
But, going back to my relationship.
You’re all absolutely right insomuch that he didn’t HAVE to tell me, it was a mark of his honesty, respect and trust that he did.
Most men (I suspect) would have gone the safe, easy route and said “Me, pay for it? No Way” and that would have been an end to it. Cause let’s face it, there is no way on earth I’d ever have found out. Prior to his confession, the only two people who knew were him and the lady he paid for sex.
Also as you say, to his credit he didn’t offer-up some pathetic excuse to elicit sympathy, saying it had been due to loneliness or desperation, he just came out and admitted he’d done it because he could and wanted to give it a go.
And you’re right bitterblue he’s not proud of it, that’s something that came across loud and clear in the way that he told me.
I guess the best way for me to think about this is akin to the way some people try drugs, just to see what it’s like, then simply decide it’s not for them and never go there again?
I’ve got myself an honest, decent man who loves and respects me very much to the extent that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
The past (his and mine) needs to stay in the past so that we can go forward together.
Thanks to everyone.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (18 September 2010):
 How does sleeping with a hooker once make him make him Hannibel Lecter? Try posting under your own nom de plume instead of anonymous when you are quoting other people incorrectly.
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reader, birdynumnums +, writes (18 September 2010):
Judgemental much? A single guy visited a hooker once. He didn't kill puppies or rape anyone. He also didn't put words into anyone else's mouth. X^P
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reader, jimrich  +, writes (17 September 2010):
re: Prior to this I believed we shared the same values and ideas on what’s decent and what’s not... Well there it is!......bad or no communication in certain areas that have just now come to light. I'd guess most married folks lose touch and end up knowing very little about their partner, all due to less or no communication (talking about things) and just taking things FOR GRANTED but never talking about it.You both are so comfortable with each other that much of your inner life is going unexplored and IGNORED.Solution: start talking again ABOUT EVERYTHING! No secrets, no assumptions, no ignoring, no pretending, no avoiding! GET HONEST!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): I think you should read the response from birdynumnums over and over and over again. And then one more time. Actually read all the responses from the females because they are on their game on this one and they all seem sincere and correct. I think that most men would have said" No way, I’ve never had to pay for it in my life" and be done with it because we know if we say anything else will only result in agony but you are a lucky one. You and he are not getting any younger so if he is half as good as you say-go forward and enjoy your sunset years together.
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reader, bitterblue  +, writes (17 September 2010):
 That is OK to have a black and white vision. But in this case you probably need to find someone with similar views. The comparison you are making is unbelievably cruel and thoughtless, if I need to point this out. You will hurt him deeply by stating something of the kind. A relationship can be forever damaged by such comments.
Please pick your words carefully if you decide to talk about this, although I am fairly certain this won't lead to any big progress because you need to mostly think HARD and analyse the issue yourself and your ideas that gave rise to such complicated debates here and such harsh accusations.
Past behaviour does tell us something, but often the interpretation of it needs an open mind and a good knowledge of people which, pardon me, but you seem to lack if you compare seeing prostitutes with raping unconscious girls.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): I have no problem with his choice.I do take issue, however, with this idea that, "what's in his past in no way defines his character.". Come again? What more explicitly defines your character than your past conduct? So if I killed puppies, and raped all the girls in my dorm when they were passed out, but in this particular moment I am nice to you - my past has no bearing on my character, and my present means everything?Obviously that reasoning is whack. Those of you with immoral sordid pasts, just face the music. All your one night stands, etc are a reflection on your character. Your track record, your history, your conduct and behavior over time, are much more indicative of who you are, of your CHARACTER, than just what you happen to be doing in this moment.I know all you slutty guys and gals don't want to deal with that, but it's true.
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reader, birdynumnums +, writes (17 September 2010):
My their's and there's and no's and know's seem to be all buggered up on my computer today. ;^D
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reader, birdynumnums +, writes (17 September 2010):
I'm assuming that this all happened before he met you and not while he was dating you; so it was a part of the man's past, it happened once, and it in know way defines his character.
He could have chosen to keep this part of his past to himself - which would have been the easiest thing to do in this situation; but instead he BELIEVED that YOU are the one person he can trust and can tell anything to. He had faith that he trusted your love, and he believed that you would forgive him and understand his explanation and take his word at face value. When he explained how lackluster the experience was, it seemed to me that he found it a disappointment. Most men prefer Making Love to a 'sexual release' and I doubt that if he now has the real thing at home that he would ever consider repeating the experience.
All morality aside - He didn't invent prostitution! After all, it's the oldest profession. You asked him the question and then hoisted him on his own petard; I don't think that's fair on your part. You shouldn't ask questions if you aren't prepared to accept a reasonable answer - and answer that was in the past - and that can't be changed.
I think you need to really look at the bigger picture and wonder why you are agonizing over this situation. Making yourself miserable and potentially ruining a relationship over this is making a mountain out of a molehill.
He's a good man - he made one "error" in your eyes - but He Told You The Truth!!! That's a Good Man!!! If you drag this out and bring it up again; in his eyes, you don't TRUST him anymore. Men are very proud of their feelings of loyalty and this would devastate him.
Nobody is perfect; and when you find someone who trusted you implicitly, you should try to love him the way he is - cracks and all.
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reader, bitterblue +, writes (17 September 2010):
If you're dating someone of 50+ years of age you're dating someone with a history. Unless they hide some of it from you, chances are this history will contain things you don't want disclosed - that you don't want to know. But if you ask, be prepared also for a surprise. From my knowledge of people, even those who think they are highly knowledgeable of their own selves, and would "never" do this or that, can have a moment when they say: "What the heck, it's legal, I've been single for a year, I'll make sure everything is fine medically and..." - maybe in the impulse of a moment. Then they'll replay that impulse voice and give it a second thought. I doubt he is proud of it, but he probably thought you would understand. Look at your case, you probably never conceived dating someone who has been to a call girl and now you are hesitating and wondering how to get over it, and can we help you deal with it, etc. The human mind is more complex than deciding something and never overriding that decision, and there are many hues when it comes to behaviour and what characterises them. You will also find there are many posts here helping you deal with your lover's past, as you may have noticed. In his defense, everyone can make mistakes, I wouldn't like this information either but I would look at the bigger picture to decide, based on other factors as well, taking into account his behaviour so far, whether he is/has been reliable, decent, kind etc, and such things which are by far more relevant. Best of luck.
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reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (17 September 2010):
 I completely understand where you're coming from and agree with your view on the world's oldest proffession...but, in this case, you shouldn't be so harsh with this man. He was honest enough not to deny involvement in something you would have NEVER found out. He didn't try for the whiny cliche answers men give to justify it : "I was lonely! I needed release! Blah..blah!" He admitted to feeling curious about experiencing such a thing and I believe that he means what he said about making love being a better experience. So he did realize that was no love, respect, or beauty in being with a protistute. You said it yourself, this man is honest and loyal and has values. He could have lied and you'd go on being blissfully unaware but he shared this with you because he respected you enough not to lie to your face. This was years ago and as lovely as he sounds, he's human and prone to lapses of judgement. "We each have a past." His past remains behind him, you are his present and future.
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