A
male
age
36-40,
*enuine87
writes:Well, after 3 years of dating my ex girlfriend (1 year while we lived in the same town and 2 yrs being 3hrs away from each other because of me going off to school). My ex decided to look elsewhere for comfort when she was lonely. It all started to go downhill when I had warned her that one of her guy friends, where trying to become more than just friends with her. She would always just brush it off and continue to tell me he was just a friend. Since I couldn't be in town to be with her all the time I began to feel like this friend of hers was trying to take my place. My worst fear became evident a few months ago when the guy was claiming her as his girlfriend and she didn't deny it. The thing is she had me believing that our relationship was fine and dandy, so once I found everything out I felt horrible. After a few weeks without talking to each other she calls me and tells me about her life and begins to tell me what she misses and what she likes and doesn't like about the guy she's with now. I rarely want to hear any of the stuff she has to say about the guy b/c it hurts me a lot knowing she's with someone else. She explained to me that she just couldn't take the long distance thing anymore and that she needed me to be around in a way that she could see me anytime she wanted/needed to. I understood her on that part, but I was expecting that she would have more patience because I only had 2 semesters left of college. (We would have been together sooner but plans of her coming to the university I go to fell through, b/c she told me very late that she didn't like the town the college was in and that she fell in love with a different college/town). she still calls me every day, but she is not willing to get back in a relationship with me b/c of the distance, which is the problem for me I can't sit back and feel like just a friend with someone I love and had future plans with, she tells me she still loves me but I want us to be together. I'm even willing to go to Grad school in the town that she wants to go to college in. The thing I have a hard time dealing with now is doing something with myself and to stop thinking about us as being together b/c I know we won't be together again until at least we're both in the same town. I feel as if dating someone else until we're able to be together again would be awkward and not fair to the person I would be dating, but I also miss the feeling of having someone there as my girlfriend. I'm just really confused in what to do at this point in time. Any advice is appreciated.
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (18 September 2010):
You should make decisions in your life without letting her be a factor. Because she isn't your girlfriend right now. Going to grad school is a big decision and you should go to what school you want, with the program you want. You have no way of knowing if you 2 will work out, and you might regret choosing a school near her. Especially since you have broken up before because of distance and another guy.
If she does keep saying these things, and you do still care about her and want to be with her, talk to her. Because it's not fair to be saying she wants to be with you and get married, but not getting together. It's a little like playing games and stringing you along. And since you aren't together, you should be free to be able to move on. So either talk to her and work it out and be together, or ask her to give you some space. Just don't make big decisions to be near her when you and her aren't even in a relationship.
A
male
reader, genuine87 +, writes (17 September 2010):
genuine87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice. I had forgot to mention however, that when she talks to me sometimes what she says makes me feel as if things are going to work out between. She even told me that she has a feeling that we are going to be married one day, which I don't understand since we're not together. but it's things like that, that keep me from feeling like I should just move on because every time I feel like I'm getting over her she reminds me how much I love her and that she says she still has all these kind of feelings for me. It feels almost like my feelings keep jerking around. How do I know if moving on is the right decision if she says she still has these types of feelings for me and she sees me with her in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): Its' not that she can't wait two semesters. It's that she doesn't want to wait at all. She's moved on. It's not fair for her to keep contacting you when obviously you are not over the whole situation yet. She should care about and respect you enough to give you a little time to get over it.
That said, the issue isn't with what happened or even her. We can't control our past or other people. We can only take control of ourselves and the situation now. Imagine for a second that your decisions from now on has nothing to do with her. Any girl you meet will be a possible new love. Any Grad School you consider will be a definite possibility. You can go anywhere and do anything without her being your constraint. Because that's what she is; your constraint. Something that limits your freedom to act spontaneously.
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