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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: About a year and a half ago my girlfriend of 2 years at the time began to develop on eating disorder. She works as an actress so had slot of pressure on her to look a certain. At first I told her she didn't need to and tried to stop her. It seemed to work but then things spiralled out of control and I found out she had been meeting up with colleagues and discussing tips to keep their disorder hidden from family behind my back. At first I was really annoyed but tried to support her as much as I could. However it was putting so much stress on both me and her that I decide she needed desperate medical help. She hated me for it and told me how much she wanted me to die for what I'd done. It made me feel awful and after she finished some therapy she had made no recovery and went straight back to the way she was. I was so angry that I had gone through so much for her, tried to support and stayed with even through those really tough times and that she hadn't even changed that I left her. I regret it now so much but it turned out to be the thing that made her want to get better. She recently contacted me and told me how after I'd left she sought treatment and made a real effort to get better. So last week we met up and talked about the old time and she asked if maybe we could start again together and pick off where we left. The thing is I dont know if I can go back to how it was before after all she put me through. Should I take her back?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 April 2011):
Well, first of all you shouldn't do anything. It's not about whether you should go back with her, it's about whether you want to go back with her.So the first question is do you want to get back with her?Secondly, as you'll see from most of my responses on this site, I'm a very sceptical person when it comes to ex's getting back together. Usually I advise against it. However, on this occasion, I think if you want to get back with her, it might be worth a shot. When you were together, she had a major disorder, and sadly disorders can act in vicious ways on the mind. Everything she did and said will have been because of her fragile mental state at the time. Though that's not an excuse, it's at least an explanation. Also, the best thing you did was leave her. You did what I would have advised - you left her and she got help. Assuming she has got help (something you'll have to watch very, very carefully), she might be worth a shot. But only give her a second chance if you truly want to. You aren't obligated to.
A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (17 April 2011):
 Well you have to answer the question of whether you have the same feelings for her (leaving aside what she did), if the answer is yes and you love her then I say yes. Now, turning to the question of what she did. She did put you through alot but she wasnt entirely fully responsible for her own actions. Eating disorders are rooted in low feelings of self-worth and a feeling of lacking control so i'm not surprised your efforts, well intentioned as they were, came to nothing. You were reinforcing her own sense of powerlessness, she resented this and didnt want to get better. I know you wanted to help and support her but objectively there does come a point where what another person can do is limited. In short, there comes a point where the person in question is the only one who can do the heavy lifting and help themselves. This is exactly what happened when she lost you, you triggered something in her that made her do what she needed to and help herself. Given that her response is understandable and not really born or malice or ill feeling towards yourself I dont see why you should hold this against her permanently. I therefore dont see why you should hold back from being with her again. I really think you should give this another go. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (17 April 2011):
 Take her out for dinner, see how that goes. If she's longer in the bathroom than at the table. I'd hold up on seeing her again. (in jest)Anyone who says "I'm in therapy, because of you"Is not in therapy.They go for THEM no one else. Sure certain events in their life can push them that way.However there are few that remain par course.Like a girl who looses weight for a man, only to put it back on. If she looses weight for herself, she'll have more success in keeping it off. Tread carefully and keep your compassion intact but protected.It's one thing to throw in the life jacket to save someone, it's entirely another to jump in and drown with them.Throw, Go, Row, Tow.
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