A
male
age
51-59,
*ustmeScarb
writes:I would like to know how hard it is for a man that has cheated on his wife/gf and split up with her to find another partner? Will any woman trust him? How soon should he tell the potential partner his story? How much detail should he giving her and when? I'm afraid to be labeled 'untrustworthy'. I can be trusted. I only cheated on my wife because I didn't love her with all my heart and never will. Who believes the old cliche 'Once a cheater, always a cheater'? I don't believe it, and I know with the right woman I know I won't cheat on her, ever!I'm still with my wife but our marriage is doomed. I'm afraid of the split up, I don't want to be alone. Does anyone know of a good support website or group I can talk to?Thanks
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male
reader, JustmeScarb +, writes (7 February 2011):
JustmeScarb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I am very unhappy in my marriage, but can't bear to break up my family. Unforunately, I got laid off my job recently and my wife is starting culinary school next week, so I have to take care of my daughter everyday, all day for the next few months. Therefore splitting up with my wife now would really screw things up. She keeps badgering me and giving me guilt trips all the time, making it difficult for me to be cheery and upbeat. The atmosphere at home is very stressful. I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare of my own making. I am not physically attracted to my wife, she's not my type. Of course the physical aspect is not the only thing in a relationship. She is a great person, she is very giving and kind, but I only feel for her as a close friend. I am not a shallow person, looks are not eveything, but are very important, that's the mistake I made many years ago. My mistake was that I was lonely and desperate and took the first person to come along that took an interest in me. When I met my wife, I hadn't had any dates for about 3 years and no one was interested in me, so when my wife came along I grabbed her up. If I had had the opportunity to date other women who I was attracted to, things would be much different now. Now I have to face my mistake and deal with the consequences. All support is and will be appreciated.
A
female
reader, Cheeks  +, writes (6 February 2011):
 You really do sound like a decent person Scarb. I really think it would be the best if you just divorce your wife. However you chose to go about ending your marriage, you shouldn't allow yourself to do anything you'll feel you must lie about in the future. I would suggest just get it over with, start the divorce process a.s.a.p. You can only damage your reputation further by continuing relationships on the side. Just go through with it and do everyone, including yourself a favor and get divorced. The longer you are a man who keeps a mistress, the harder it's going to be to be seen as a man who doesn't keep a mistress. Your wife cannot be happy either so staying is just dragging it out for everyone. Your baby will love you no matter what you did before she was born as long as you do her right from now on. Your wife will find happiness and you'll be much more likely to have a civil relationship with her if you don't involve another woman until you're at least divorced. You know the proper steps to take, so take them...in order preferably. Good luck again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): Divorcing, even infidelity, dont equal being untrustworthy. People cheat or fall out of love becuase theyre unhappy or searching for what they need. It is selfish in a way, but incredibly human. It is not noble or honoring your vows to stay in a marriage that is broken or unhappy. Think about it...how can you cherish her if you dont love her? How can you honor the marriage by staying miserable? Honor yourself first and learn the difference between that and selfishness. That will set you free.
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A
male
reader, JustmeScarb +, writes (5 February 2011):
JustmeScarb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your honest answer Cheeks, I appreciate it (I appreciate evryone elses also). You're probably right to say that I'm a coward. I'm always so afraid of what other people will think of me when and if I seperate from my wife. I could never tell her that whole truth, that would totally destroy her. I want to split from my wife not because she pisses my off, but because I don't feel the feeling one should feel toward one's spouse. When I kiss her I don't feel anything, and haven't in a long time. I know if I did feel for her the way I should, I know I would have never cheated on her.
My lover did get on my nerves and piss me off sometimes, but I feel very strongly toward her and have no desire to cheat on her.
Thank you for not hating me LoveGirl. Why do you suggest I stay away from older women? Love knows no bounds (within reason of coarse). I'm 42, I would take a woman anywhere between 30-45 yrs old. When I meet my lover she was 44, now she's 46 and beautiful as ever.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): To Scarb, I do not hate you just hate how much you have screwed your wife and kid in this self serving purpose of yours.
If you say you are changed, then actions speak louder than words. Leave your marriage, get a divorce asap, it is unfair that u are still pretending to be a hb to your wife. End her heartache and pain. One day when she is healed then ask her for forgiveness in destroying her life. When your kid is older ask her for forgiveness too. If she grows up hating you, that will be so sad.
Yes you have made a mess of your marriage. I am glad though that your affair with the married granny is over. You are young, and to be messed up with cheating and the aftermath of it can destroy lives.
Get a divorce first and then seek out other women, stay away from the Older ones as well. Leave the married ones alone.
And whatever you do please do not destroy another womans life: your wife and kid has suffered too much already.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Cheeks +, writes (3 February 2011):
I don't think you can be trusted. You're still with your wife and you said yourself you're scared of the breakup or being alone. I know you're sure of yourself when you say you would never cheat on the right girl but how often do people find the perfect partner? Hardly ever, so chances are your next mate will eventually start to piss you off too and then what? You'll still be scared of coming out and saying how you feel out of fear of "breaking up". All of which says to me that you're really just a coward. I mean that in a neutral way. I'm not bashing on you, I just can't think of another term for it other than scaredy-cat but I'm sorry if it sounds rude. But seriously, you may be able to truly love someone so much that you'll never grow tired of her, but everyone gets on each others nerves sooner or later. So unless you find it in you now to be real and deal with the consequences of how you really feel then I would bet on you resorting to wimping out the next time. You can't seriously think anyone would trust you if you're still in a relationship, acting like a weenie. End it with your wife, and THEN go chase other women. You're focusing on the wrong issue totally. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, JustmeScarb +, writes (2 February 2011):
JustmeScarb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo LoveGirl: I am not going to give up my daughter for anyone at all, that was a stupid idea and it was only out of desperation I said it. I don't want to find another woman to cheat on my wife again. I want to make a clean break and start fresh. I know I sound like I'm moving fast and am impatient (I am a little impatient), but I don't want to make the same mistake again and join with the wrong woman. Karma sucks, and it's already wrecking havoc in my life. I can't fix my marriage because I don't want a loveless marriage of convinence. I need to love a woman with all my heart, body and soul, but my wife isn't that person. When my wife and I finally split, I know it will be very difficult for me to be alone, but I will try my best. I know I have a good wife and great daughter, but I'm the bad seed. I need to re-evaluated myself and realized I need to do that alone.I got myself into my own situation by making the wrong decision many years ago when I first met my wife. I'm not a bad guy, but I have made myself into one by my actions. I want to correct my mistakes, and be happy again.Thank you everyone else for their answers. I think I will be honest to my next partner, but when to tell her is the big question. The good point that one of the anonymous writers wrote is that it is better for ME to tell her that to find out from someone else.Any more question will be gladly answered.Please don't hate me LoveGirl, I'm trying to fix my life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): "I cheated, fell in love, and screwed up my life. Now what to do?"
I would like to make a suggestion to you: your married lover just broke up your affair bec you had a baby with your wife. You now are moving on (while still married to your wife and living with her and your baby) and you are making plan to get with another woman. Boy you really do work fast!
What have you decided about your baby? You wanted to give her up to be with your lover?
In your case 'once a cheater, always a cheater' will prove true. You destroyed your wife and your babys life, so I think you will find that Karma will wreak its havoc into your life for what you have done.
Just think about it. It makes sense doesn't it?
Instead of embarking on another affair,perhaps take stock of your life. Make amends for your wrongdoing. You have really destroyed your wife and now also deserting your baby (as you advised in your previous post)m perhaps some self inspection and being accountable for your wrong actions?
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): I dated a gal who had a track record for cheating on her former boyfriends and former husband. Guess what? She gave me herpes and cheated on me with my best friend's wife. Needless to say I stand by once a cheater always a cheater. She was the first cheat I dated out of all the gals I dated and she'll be the last cheat.
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A
male
reader, JustmeScarb +, writes (2 February 2011):
JustmeScarb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers so far. What do I do if the new gf asks, I want to honest and open with her. Do I deflect the question, if I do then she may think that I don't trust her. Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship, I don't want to doom a potientially great relationship. I lied to my wife, I don't want it to happen again to my next partnership.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): I'm certain that most replies will start with something about the fact that you should stay and work on your marriage etc. While that is a very good point, I think that you have already made your mind up, and if you are unhappy, it is certain that your wife is too. It may be best for the both of you to have a sit down and talk...Anyway, about your post:Well, this is refreshing! Someone who wants to be honest after cheating, wanting to come clean at the start of a new relationship, where usually the story goes something like this: SHE cheated on me, SHE was a nightmare, we had already split up (LIE)... So hats' off to you. And do you know what? honesty is what will get you that new relationship, if that is where you are heading.I read that about 50% (you can never be sure as to the statistic that gets thrown around the internet on a day-by-day basis) but having an affair (not just men!) is more common than you think. So it isn't 'shocking' to be told by your current partner that you had an affair. Just don't embellish it. Don't 'blame' anyone. Just say it as it is. Seriously, just be honest. And YOU tell her, the problems start when someone else tells your new partner. Start ANY new relationship slowly, having given yourself a break from dating to work out not just what you didn't want from your marriage, but what you contributed to the downfall of your marriage. When you meet the person you like, taking it slowly, tell her the truth. You had AN affair. You went back to try to work on your marriage, but it was not working, so you left, you treated the ex to be with respect by not jumping straight in to the next relationship, had time for yourself, and want to be honest from the start. What you must realise is that however you dress it, it happened. Its just that women smell a rat if a) you try and blame someone else for it (we aren't stupid, the wife 'not understanding you' is probably the last think in your head at the point of climax with the affair partner ha ha ha!) b) you dont tell her and someone else does or c) you lie and the truth comes out (as it has a nasty habit of doing)As for the phrase you don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater. You should. Not being mean, but if you didn't get 'burned' by the last experience (which obviously you didn't as you are still with your wife) then you must face the fact that it 'could' be a get out clause for when you want to get out of a future relationship that has gone bad, as your previous one did.Finally, please don't be afraid of being alone. Yes, it is rubbish initially, and sometimes we may find ourselves being in a bad relationship rather than be on our own. But it gets better. You need to look at it from a whole new angle. See it as a break to get to know about what YOU like and don't like, do something you have always wanted to do that you couldn't do when with someone who didn't want to do it (like travelling, learning to scuba dive, etc) you meet new people, you have created a memory that you can share when you finally meet someone new that doesn't involve the ex, and it is quality YOU time. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and being alone for a few months certainly wont kill you, it will (trust me on this one!) make you richer and more whole so you don't end up staying in your next relationship longer that you want, like your current one.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (2 February 2011):
 Well, first things first. You need to work through the problems in your marriage, even if that means divorce. Once divorced, it's a good idea to spend some time on your own so you don't jump into the next relationship on the rebound. If you get serious with the first girl that comes along, just because you are afraid of being alone, you may end up with the wrong person, again. Take some time to figure out what you need in a relationship.Don't even think about telling your next girlfriend about cheating on your wife. There are things you have to tell potential sex partners - you do have to tell them your sexual history, but you don't have to get into specifics about it. That's a real buzz kill in a new relationship.I think you feel guilty about what you have done in your marriage, hence your desire to pour your heart out, but don't do it with your next girlfriend. There are divorce support groups on the Internet. Talk about it there. Lots of marriages end in divorce. Your next girlfriend will understand that. She won't jump to the conclusion that you are untrustworthy, unless you show her, through your actions that you are.
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