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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am 22 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year now. I have a low self esteem because I got bullied at school (I didn't wear much make up so I guess the other girls were jealous). I had 2 boyfriends when I was at uni early on who were "bad boys" although they treated me like shit (one took naked pictures of me and put them online). But my new boyfriend has helped improve it and although he's a bit nerdy, he's my little nerd (thats a good thing btw I think he's sweet).However yesterday when I went to his house I found some porn under his bed. This has really upset because of the self esteem thing but also for all the other reasons why women are insulted by porn. I haven't told him yet but when I do, should I give him a chance to get rid of it? I know it sounds a stupid question but after my last couple of boyfriends you could see why.
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bullied, jealous, nude pictures, porn, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): Nerd? That is your affectionate?
Given the history of that word; very few individuals will be proud to be recognized as one. More often than not it has a negative connotative tone to it.
I have no problem realizing I am a geek. I take no offense at Geek, Different, Strange...but I think it has more to do with I know who I am, I know what I want in life, and I know where I want to be in life and who I want to be.
Teasing someone and inferring they are Gay isn't acceptable and borders on abuse. Especially where a man is concerned.
Just call him Sweetie if you think he is that Sweet or Cookie == me likes that one. In place of Nerd.
And that you were bullied and picked on; you are not projecting some of that anger on your BF by calling him Nerd so STOP.
Sort out what you truly feel and realize most of the anger and hurt you have is not caused by your Cookie BF but from past abusers.
Get some individual counselling.
Decide to write a letter that isn't full of anger and hate, to your Cookie BF and tell him why you feel what you do and to ask him politely if he could please refrain from pornography.
Then be prepared for his decision.
This should be all about respect, understanding, patience and forgiveness.
Best of Wishes.
If BF is truly a Cookie...he'll hear you so long as you use a soft voice and not an angry, point finger voice.
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (30 December 2006):
 People should not generalise. many men like porn as do many women. Please keep the answers a little saner!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): sick of reading on here that all men love porn, they dont!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): just for the record, not all men like porn
porn has never been an issue for me personally,im 22
my bf doesnt like it (often i tease and call him gay)lol
even before he met me, his mates told me they couldnt even read sleazy mags or newspapers, hed call it trash, and if 1was there on the table, hed throw away!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, rammsteinfan  +, writes (30 December 2006):
 All men like (or love) porn. Please don't get too upset with him because it isn't replacing you. Just let it go for now. I think that there is nothing for you to worry about
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove +, writes (20 December 2006):
 All guys love porn, it is in their nature. If he treats you right, the fact that he keeps porn under bed should not be a threat to you (unless you uses it to get off with you).
Porn is a natural way for boys to aid their masturbation method and it is personal to them, he will not give it up for you or anybody, tell him to get rid may push him away or hide it from you, not a good start. Do not let you insecurity affect your relationship.
Put yourself in his shoes, even though not necessarily your choice but if you had a mag with naked men, you may be tempted to look and enjoy the pics.
Try not to let this put you off and give him a chance as he has not done anything wrong.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (18 December 2006):
You patronise this guy fro being nerdy - then you root thru his personal belongings (c'mon you were not under his bed for any other reason were you?)and then you find his secret stash of porn and expect to be told you are ok for getting worked up? Give the poor guy a break!! Get over it, he uses it for wanking when you are not around. Please please please, sort out YOUR self esteem issues, then perhaps you wouldn't fel the need to invade his personal space.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (18 December 2006):
 You know, I'll bet 80 percent of guys have some porn hidden around their houses. They're curious! And when he was single, a year ago? They probably got put to use all the time. Those lonely nights when you're not around? He's probably using them then too.
My boyfried has porn hanging around. I don't mind it, because I know he adores me. I know he thinks I'm sexy... sexier than any of those girls in the magazines or movies. When I'm gone for the weekend or if I don't feel like having sex, I certainly don't mind if he looks at some pictures. As long as he's not having sex with any actual girls.
Do you mind if your boyfriend masturbates? Because porn is often just a helpful addition to get things moving along. Without porn, you just have your imagination working... sometimes that works okay, but sometimes your brain just isn't up to making up a whole scenario. Porn makes the process that much faster.
That's how I see my boyfriend & porn. I know I've got a few harlequin's around the house... or super sexy shots of Johnny Depp. Mmmm...
xxIndia
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006): Until your new boyfriend starts preferring internet porn over you, I would just ignore his porn magazines...he uses them when he masturbates, all men do it, especially when they do not have a girlfriend they are sleeping with. And young inexperienced guys are curious about sex and women's bodies and how to do "it", so it is a poor way of getting an education about sex, but a readily available one.
It is not about you it is about him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006): Hi, i think porn can be a habit for men maybe even an obsession like when my mother binned my porn mags i was a little gutted this is because a porno mag is the equivalent of a womans vibrator and it's there when you need it when your partner is away. Young men need visual stimulation to get them there whereas women use their imagination to fantasize. You are a young couple and he is just been a young man who is still growing and so are you if not physically then mentally as you learn from past mistakes and wisen up but don't analise and moralize looking for faults and flaws because you will find many and become lonely like me and but for different reasons. Also the more you spend time together the more emotionally connected you become and sex turns to love and as the bond grows then he will hug his pillow and think only of you when your away thats love but it's early days and don't put too much pressure on your relationship by dwelling on his faults. I wonder what i may come across if i looked under your bed and in your drawers would you be confident that i wouldn't find anything that may cause your cheeks to turn red. By the way i'm not an agony aunt as you can tell but what i say i say from the heart and my brain of course.
All the best!
TommyWoods
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A
male
reader, guylostinlove +, writes (17 December 2006):
Just consider porn as nothing more than acting. It may not be your cup of tea but there's nothing wrong with it. Did you know that the females get paid multiples more than their male counterparts? This is probably the only industry where females are paid more than males majority of the time. And, many of the more famous females have branched out themselves to create their own films and studios. They are the ones that can assert control in this industry. Even if it does look like a male dominated industry.
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