A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I would appreciate some advice regarding an ex 'girlfriend', over whom I have some feelings of guilt.She was the first girl I ever kissed, when I was 15 and she was 14. We went to the same school and although we didn't know each other there, I'd noticed her and admired her from a distance. I never did anything about these feelings though as I was very shy at that age. It was pure luck therefore when she took a similar interest in me, and being a more confident character, she came on to me and handed me my first kiss on a plate.And then came the problem. You'd think from what I wrote that I'd have been delighted and a relationship would have blossomed, but I was a very 'young' 15 year old and was simply terrified at the prospect of having a real girlfriend, even though I thought that was what I wanted. So I ignored her at school and never returned her calls, until she eventually accepted that it wasn't going to happen. Understandably she was rather hurt.So to my question. Recently, I've seen her around town several times for the first time in many years, and I really want to apologize to her and explain what I've just told you - i.e. that I did actually fancy her and want to date her - but I always stop myself as it somehow doesn't seem appropriate. I don't have any motive other than to apologize as I'm in a happy relationship now and so is she, judging by the pram I see her pushing around. The most I've managed so far is an apologetic half smile. Do you think I should approach her or just leave it alone?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): I haven't seen that show, but that sounds like a good excuse to give, if I ever do decide to talk to her. Thanks.
I'd like to point out that I haven't spent every day since I was 15 thinking about this - that WOULD be weird - and these guilt feelings have only resurfaced now as I've bumped into the girl concerned several times within the past month or two, after not having seen her at all for at least a decade.
If I do ever speak to her it will likely br a spur of the moment decision, and the jury here seems evenly split between those who think bringing up the past would be a good idea, and those who regard it as wrong and utterly weird. I will write again if anything happens, many thanks.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): Have you ever seen the show 'My Name is Earl'? It's about a guy who goes around making up for all the bad things he has done to people over the years. If you don't want it to come across as weird that you have been thinking about this one particular incident with her all these years (which may seem a little obsessive), then you could say you are doing something like Earl and have decided to apologise for ALL the daft things you did when you were younger. That might make it less personal to just her.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 February 2013):
 It's been so long I really don't think there's any need to apologize. You were young, she was young, it's how young folks are. You didn't do anything particularly bad either, you were scared and you didn't know better. You didn't intend to hurt her, and you didn't do anything against her. You just pulled back and tried to hide.
There are several things I did when I was 15-17 that I think was really stupid of me, or selfish, or ignorant. But you can't go running around worrying yourself about things you did 10-15 years ago either. It's only now, when you know better, that you know it wasn't the right thing to do. But you also needed that experience in order to develop into the person you are today. And SHE needed that experience in order to develop into the person she is today. If that person is a happy one, then I don't think there's anything to apologize for.
Although, should you happen to talk to her one time, and should she happen to ask about it, or talk about "old times", then you could say it. But don't make a big thing out of it by approaching her out of nowhere to apologize.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 February 2013):
 SVC, no, we don't really disagree on this ( although , we are surely allowed to break occasionally our " brilliant minds thinks alike " policy,LOL ). I agree that asking forgiveness is for the asker's benefit, not the forgiver's , and I agree that , if this looms so large on the OP's mind, he'd feel much better in giving his apology. I also can agree on the fact that the psychological relevance of any event is exquisitely personal, what seems minor to me may feel major to another , and this does not make necessarily either one wrong.
But , the OP pointed out that he wants to apologize only if there's a way of not coming out as weird or obsessive.
And it's here that we disagree : after 15 years ? for some normal kid stuff that happens every day to most everybody ? I think it WOULD definitely look weird ( or obsessive ).
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 February 2013):
 This is one of those RARE times that I disagree with Cindy.
Making apologies after long healed wounds is not for her it's for you... and it's often part of 12 step program.
Are you sure she knows it's you? 15 years is a long time and people change... I don't know that I would recognize a guy I kissed when I was 14 when I was 30....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 February 2013):
Leave it alone . After 20 years ?? She'd think you are hitting on her, or that you have severe OCD.
You'd be really making a mountain of a molehill. You were a shy goofy 15 y.o. kid, and you acted as it is not unheard of, in fact it is quite typical of , goofy shy 15 y.o. kids. Ditto for her. She may have taken it at heart at the time, she might have felt hurt- guess what, that's how you cut your dating teeth, then life goes on, the girl moves on, lives and learns and grows up, and ends up pushing the pram of the child she had from her GROWN UP relationship.
All very normal, no need to make it into a drama.
I would not be thrilled if I were your gf, if after 15 or 20 years you've got all this time and will to think about your first kiss , maybe the current relationship is not really as happy as you call it.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (16 February 2013):
 If I was the lady I would like to hear what you had to say . Just keep it short. If you get a sort of half smile when she sees you then she pretty much remembers it all and a mention about the past may well be welcome.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): I think the reason I have erred on the side of caution so far is for fear of seeming weird. Obviously it was a long time ago, however I doubt she has forgotten in the sense that she literally wouldn't remember me or what happened between us, despite having obviously moved on. Maybe it's more poignaint for me as this girl was my first kiss and they say you never forget that, whereas I don't think I was her first.A woman close to me suffered an eating disorder into her late 20s based on fear of her own lack of attractiveness, owing largely to an experience of rejection by a boyfriend in her teens. When this boyfriend came out as gay a few years later, she realised it wasn't an issue with her and the eating disorder subsided, if not completely then to a large extent. Maybe this has made me hyper sensitive to the long term effects of early experiences. Either way I do feel I treated my 'ex' poorly and would like to reassure her, if it's possible to do so without coming across as obsessive or weird. Thanks.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (16 February 2013):
 I think you should just leave it alone. She probably doesn't even remember and obviously is a grown woman with a life and a family. You have no idea what her partner is like, whether he is a jealous or insecure man and your 'apology' could be miscontrude for advances or involement and cause her a lot of trouble she doesn't deserve.
As much as you have the 'urge' to apologise, I doubt it will mean anything to her...so let sleeping dogs lie.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 February 2013):
 If you can muster up the courage, I don't see any harm in apologizing. I am also assuming you don't have an ulterior motive (which from your post your intentions appear to be genuine).
When we are 15 we do a lot of dumb things, so go easy on yourself. But I think you'll feel good in the long run getting this off your chest and conscious.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): It appears to me that she has moved on and you haven't. Are you feeling guilty because of your feelings of this relationship? Is this important to you? I think we all know that we make a mistake of our youth. Don't feel bad about your behaviour. Go to her and chat and see where it goes. If the sesion goes well than move on and let it go. If she is happy than it really didn't matter to her.Good Luck!!
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (16 February 2013):
 HI
it's never to late to apologise, but i'm guessing she has more than moved on from that day as she has a family and is happy, so bringing up the past may make her feel a bit awkward. Saying that she might appreciate the truth and she can then know it wasn't her . Just make sure you keep it short .
Mandy x
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