A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and we are both 24 years old. We get on well most of the time and love each other a lot. I have my own house but he still lives at home with his mum. I'm getting to a point in my life where i am starting to think about marriage and kids but my boyfriend doesnt seem interested. I have wanted him to move in with me for the last 2 years but he kept telling me he wasn't ready so i said i would wait. Then we agreed this year that he would move in to my house in November, but a few weeks ago he said he had changed his mind and wanted to stay at home with his mum because he didnt want to leave her to live alone. This really hurt me, i was really looking forward to us beginning the new chapter in our lives. He promised that he will move in next year but he wont tell me a date, he just says sometime next year. But im worried that next year will come and he will make up another excuse.Also when we talk about having children, ive always wanted to have a baby at maybe 25 or 26. he said he wants to wait till hes 27 to 30. I told him that i didnt want to wait that long. He just said its not a big deal and what it the point in worrying about it now. But im the type of person that likes to think of my future. I want marriage and kids. He says i want to rush everything but we have been together 5 years! how can it be rushed?! He makes me feel like all the things i want are wrong and i should just be happy with how things are now but i want to know that the relationship is going somewhere. Now for the last few months i have been miserable and cant stop thinking about it all the time. I dont want us to break to up because i love him. What should i do?
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (26 October 2012):
I think you're moving too fast for him. You have your own house, you're independent, while he isn't much further along in life than the average teen. I think he keeps putting it off because he thinks he'll be ready by then, but then a year goes by and nothing has changed, so he'll postpone it again. Also, a lot of guys balk at the idea of being a dad at 25. It's quite young and a lot of them are really not ready to settle down by that age. So that alone may have made him more anxious and given him an excuse to wait longer. In short: the more you push, the more he pulls away.
I think you have to decide for yourself if you think he's going to be the guy you'll grow old with. He has already shown not to be a man of action. He's made you wait for years already. He may have commitment issues. In any case, do not expect to settle down anytime soon. He has listed his timetable (27-30) and he'll probably won't deviate (if any, he'll push it to the 30's). If you cannot accept that it's better to split up.
However, consider that you probably won't find a new partner to settle down within your timeframe. I mean, if you want to have a baby at 25-26 you have about a year to conceive it. I doubt it'll happen that soon. Not with this guy and most new guys don't jump to the family starting part of the relationship within a year.
So figure out what you want (and what's realistic considering the circumstances) and start making decisions to match those goals.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (26 October 2012):
 Hi
I know a young couple who have been dating for over 5 years,both live at home still, they aren't even engaged.It suits them both so it works
You two want different things,he doesn't want to leave home and live with you - yet or ever and thats up to him.You want to move forward,marry have children.5 years is more than long enough to decide what you want from each other and he has decided to stay as he is.
You,hard as it is,need to move on and find a man who DOES want what you want or another 5 years will pass with him saying 'maybe next month'. We all have choices and yours and his are different.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): A man will never desire marriage and family if he sees no concievable reasons for it or whether or not it will give him personal fulfillment in his life. Also, you can't just decide for yourself that you want kids without having trust and confidence that your boyfriend can make a good father to your children and a loving, caring husband to you. So, what is being said is this; Do you believe that your boyfriend is husband and father material? If so, what are you doing as his girlfriend to make yourself more desirable as his potential wife and mother of his future children?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): If you don't want to break up because you love him, yet you want to get married and start a family now and he doesn't, then I'm afraid you will just have to wait for him however long that takes, and yes it is taking a risk that he'll never want it. You have to make some hard decisions. what or who do you love more: him, or having your own biological children and the ring on your finger? Do you love him enough to be with him as partners even if it means never having biological kids? because you can adopt, you know, and then that extends your "deadline" because you don't need to worry about your biological clock anymore. Adoption is a wonderful and perfectly valid way to create your family. Why rule out good options and as a result create more stress and constraints on your life than there needs to be? (and on his too)I get the sense that you care more about being married and having kids than you do about him per se. it doesn't sound like you're very accepting of what he wants from his life, it sounds like you just care that you want to take a certain traditional path and you want him to go along with it because your plans for your life require a male partner to play a role for you. If you're not respectful of what he wants for his life, and you're only focused on what you want for your life but want him to fulfill it, that's not being very compassionate. of course the same can be said of him, that he doesn't care what you want because he's too wrapped up in his own life and his own problems which is separate from you. I think this shows that you two aren't meant to be together because you both do not want the same thing. to me this shows the relationship has run its course. You've outgrown him. Don't begrudge him for not growing along with you on the same path you're on. Everyone needs to travel on their own journey in life. Time to move on, don't try to get him to be someone he's not.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 October 2012):
 If guy has not made concrete plans to be with you permanently after two years he is stringing you along. Time and time again I have seen guys who have made up their mind in the first year and then are eager to bring the plans to fruition before the end of the second year.
Is he especially close to his mother such that she is reluctant to lose her best friend and helper - her son - from her side.
This man will keep on delaying you until you realise that he is wasting your time.
Leave him.
Tell him you cannot wait any longer.
Your fertility drops every year, more so after you turn 30.
This is quite cruel and weak that he cannot make his mind up after five years. So let him remain his mother's little helper and stay a bachelor forever. Always claiming to want to settle down, but never showing any urgency to do so.
His mother will probably use the argument, "see she never really loved you," but you should soundly refute that argument. He just failed to appreciate your true worth.
Some mothers are very selfish and will seek to keep their sons tied to their apron strings long after the man should have stood up for himself and demonstrated that he can think for himself.
After you leave him go on a nice overseas holiday to clear the cobwebs and baggage from your mindset. You have suffered too long being "on hold" for a man who cannot make his own decisions.
His mother is more important to him than you are. So let him enjoy his mother's company. He is welcome to that.
You though have a life to lead.
Go forth confidently and find your dream and live your dream.
He is likely to still be a bachelor when your eldest child turns 21.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (26 October 2012):
 I have been in the situation that you are in, and its very distressing. You don't want to leave someone, but if they cannot make up their mind about what they want, you either decide to stay in limbo, or you move on to someone who does know what they want. I hate to say it, but it sounds like your guy really just isn't ready to make a complete commitment to you (wedding/kids). If a man doesn't know after 2 years if he wants to get married, the odds are he doesn't want to get married. Its hurtful, but its the truth. As the other aunts have said, you can either wait (who knows how long???) or you can tell him what you want. I do agree that confronting him will probably end the relationship. He's happy the way he is and doesn't want to rock the boat. How long do you want to wait?? That's what you have to ask yourself. Good luck, I know its not a nice situation to be in.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): Sorry hun but this man sounds like he is stringing you along. What happens when next year comes and he still wont move in or in 3 years when he turns around and says he doesnt want kids! Your wasting your time trying to change a man who is scared of commitment, for your own sake go and find someone who wants the things you do, and be happy!
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (26 October 2012):
5 years is a long time - it's more than enough time for him to figure out whether he wants to marry you and have a family with you or not. But he can't even take the next step of moving in together with you. If he has been this hesitant/avoidant of moving in together with you for the last 2 years, he is nowhere near ready to get married, engaged, or have kids. If this is something you want soon, I think you might have to search elsewhere for someone looking for the same things. Even if you pressure him into moving in with you by making it an ultimatum - ie "either the relationship takes the next step or we're over", he will be the one that is miserable and unhappy as opposed to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): it's not right or wrong to want marriage and kids now. but just as similarly it's not wrong for him not to want marriage and kids now or even ever.that just means you're incompatible. I would advise you end this relationship now so you don't waste more of your time, since you're the one who is on a shorter time line.do not try to pressure or manipulate him into going along with what you want. that's not a good way to have a relationship. Do not look at this as "I've invested 5 years into him, he has to marry me and build a life with me!" You want to be with someone who is willingly on the same page as you, not someone you have to reason, argue, guilt-trip or cajole into marrying you. if after 5 years a guy doesn't want to marry you, then either (A) he's not the marrying kind and possibly will never be or won't be for who knows how long, or (B) he's not into you *enough* to want to be married to you whereas he might feel differently if he were in a relationship with someone else. Either of those two reasons are valid, it's not wrong of him to feel those ways but it does mean that if you want marriage and kids very soon he's not the right guy for you and it's best if you cut your losses and move on now. either way, be respectful and don't blame him or make it out to be like he's in the wrong for not wanting to marry, or not wanting to marry YOU. You have as much right to want marriage and kids now, and he does to not want it. just chalk it up to incompatibility and agree to go your separate ways so you can each find what you are looking for.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 October 2012):
 IF you don't want to break up then I have very few options for you.
at 24 I had been married two years and gave birth to my first child...
The man you are with is NOT ready and you are.
you have several options
1. end the relationship and seek someone in the same frame of mind you are in
2. accept the relationship on his terms (and that may mean that at 27 he says "nope still not ready, mom's getting sickly (btw mom is NOT in need of a baby sitter unless she was 50 when she had him and even then.. my 78 yr old dad is perfectly capable of being alone) and risk NEVER having a child...
3. give him an ultimatum (never a good idea and it will probably mean ending the relationship anyway)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 October 2012):
I think you know the truth, deep down. This man is basically owned by his mother, and he's going to avoid anything to leave her. After 5 years, I'd expect more than this. He's just not committed enough to make what is an important step in your relationship, and that's not good enough.
He's using a very poor excuse not to move in with you, even though you've tried for two years. And there is a real risk that the more you wait, the more unhappy you will be until such time that you realise this man isn't mentally ready at all to make this big a commitment.
I think that you need to reconsider this relationship. He doesn't seem interested enough to be honest.
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