A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:sorry this is pretty long but i appreciate you reading. i need your help.i've been seeing this guy for a little over 5 months now but we're not official. when we first met, he had just broken up with his long-term girlfriend and it was still very fresh... i was hesitant to become the rebound but somehow it happened.we became "serious" (or so i thought) about 2 months ago... and then i found out he'd been chatting up a whole bunch of girls including 2 of my friends in the first few months. he seemed very remorseful and since we weren't officially together he technically hadn't done anything wrong so i forgave him and put it all behind me. this was after giving him my virginity.he's in a bit of a situation so he's been staying at my place for a while now. everyone in our circle thinks we're officially a couple... but we're not.i felt like our relationship was getting stronger and better and he'd make it official any day now... but then the other day i finally decided to ask him what was going on with us and i didn't quite expect his answer.he said that he's not ready to be anyone's boyfriend... and he's thought about it long and hard and it wouldn't cost him anything to ask me to be his girlfriend and it would make his life easier but he just can't; that he's a horrible person and he WILL cheat on me, that he loved his ex and but cheated on her all the time when the opportunity presented itself throughout their 3-year relationship. he said he loved the way things were and that the only thing we're missing is the title (of course he would, with him getting all the girlfriend perks with none of the commitment). he said he liked the freedom he currently had, and implied that it's why he hadn't cheated on me yet (but then again he's busy with work so he hasn't had time for other girls).he said a lot of other things i can't really remember, but the take-home message was that he wasn't ready to be my boyfriend and when i asked him if he ever would be he said he didn't know.i cried because i feel like he's led me on all this while... even though he said all that he acts like a boyfriend, says and does things boyfriends do... it's like he was feeding me the illusion. and i wished he'd told me this from the very start, before i lost my virginity to him and started to take him seriously. and of course i can't help but wonder, does this mean i'm not good enough to be his girlfriend? am i just the girl of the moment? i really, really like this guy but i feel like his feelings are not the same- i definitely like him more than he does me. I suggested that it was possible that he was still hung up on his ex but he insisted he wasn't and they weren't even in touch.I dunno what to do. not to toot my own horn but i've been an awesome not-quite-girlfriend... i'm always looking out for him, i hate drama so i don't hold grudges or nag about things AND i keep him fed haha. he said it himself that i've been involved in every good thing that's happened to him in the past 5 months. I've definitely been a blessing in his life, but at this point i feel like I'm being used and he's taking me for granted.The smart thing to do would be to walk away... maybe when i'm gone he'd appreciate what he had and so on. but i'm also scared that i really am just the girl of the moment and he'd quickly find another girl ready to put up with his bullshit. It's true when they say that sex complicates things because i feel like it would have been so much easier if we hadn't done it. my resolve wasn't too strong and i knew it probably wouldn't happen but i was hoping to save my virginity for marriage. now that i no longer have it, i don't want to have to think that my first and i only lasted for 5 months and we weren't even in an official relationship. also, despite his commitment-phobia he's also a decent not-quite-boyfriend and he makes me happy... so i dunno. what do i do?
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cheated on me, his ex, lost my virginity Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@CindyCares i'm actually 21. but thank you for your answer
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 March 2013):
 What do you do ?... Jeez, my friend, only 19 and already so desperate ? So eager to settle for the crumbs ? Why ? what happened to you ?
I bet he's decent !, he gets free board and lodging, you dance attendance around him, and he gets sex on tap when he decides he wants it , no obligations, and all the leisure to seek calmly for something better, - he'll out - decent anybody you know, it's a very sweet deal and no, don't think that he'd necessarily get it somewhere else , pardon me, but , even making allowences for your age, gullibility and inexperience, don't think that all girls would be so dangerously naive and easily manipulable as you.
So, what you do is you help him pack his stuff, send him on his merry way, learn from this lesson and raise your standards in terms of partnership. Do not accept anything less of what you want and deserve from a man, including total monogamy if it is something which is important to you, and let them EARN your trust and devotion before you offer it blindly . Also, you stop saying or thinking " somehow, it just happened ". What, happened ? He tripped and fell on your hymen ? You forgot your apartment door open and he snook inside and installed himself as a resident guest ? ....
In a perfect world, everybody would be honest, selfless, considerate and loyal. Since though this is not a perfect world, we have the responsibility to take care in first person that our best interest is taken into account and our dignity not walked all over.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your answers. i knew i would get exactly these kinds of responses but i guess i was hoping otherwise :/@elise22 thank you for being so kind and understanding. I'm not American- i'm only here for school- and the guy and I are from the same country... and it is unfortunate but cheating is a norm for both guys and girls of my generation in my home country. not like i'm trying to justify his behavior or anything but it's become so easy for guys to separate love and sex. Even without his proclamations, if he cheated on me and I found out I would be hurt but not surprised as it has become such a norm that it's something i expect. Quite pathetic, I know :(I actually asked him what would happen if I decided to step out and see other guys, and he said while he'd be jealous and hurt there's nothing he can do since i technically wont be in the wrong.@YouWish 2) That was actually my justification. he didn't bring it up at all, just apologized and insisted that it was all before we became "serious".3) I never intended to play house with him... he'd just moved here right before I met him and he was living with a friend and his family but that didn't quite work out which is why he's staying at mine for now. He's been apartment-hunting for his own place but his best friend isn't ready yet and he can't afford to pay the entire rent by himself. I'm generally a nice person- this, coupled with my feelings for him, makes it such that I'm compelled to take care of him. I wasn't doing it because I was hoping it would make things more serious because I thought we were already there (or at least really close to getting there).4) I know, I know :/Again, thank you all for your answers and the reality-check it provided
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 March 2013):
 He's semi "decent" because he found you as a sucker willing to give him free rent and food, after his ex kicked him out. He's not so decent because a relationship is too much work for him, and he can't cheat within a relationship.
I get those stupid bonding chemicals everytime I intend to have a relationship, not just losing my virginity.
The narcissist is not you, it's him. Narcissists can't love. Their sole concerns are themselves being taken care of by other people.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (4 March 2013):
 Everything can be summed up in your single sentence "I lost my virginity to him". You had the misfortune of losing it to a loser.
Now, not only do you have to get rid of him, you get to deal with those stupid bonding chemicals that often turn smart, semi-cynical girls into blubbering, vulnerable "perfect" girlfriends who fall to pieces when something like this happens.
You have to take the lessons from this one, and I wish you had known them beforehand before this predator got what he wanted from you. But, it could happen again, so let me summarize a few things from this that you can never forget:
1. Never have sex with a guy UNTIL you are exclusive and it's painfully obvious to both of you. You thought that having sex with him made the relationship serious by default. It never does. It's a variation of having sex so that he'll love you more or having sex because you want more.
2. After sex, you found his cheating evidence, and he used the "we weren't serious yet" excuse to try and short-circuit your anger at him. Never accept that as an excuse again, and you won't because you will never have sex with a guy until it's established that you ARE exclusive.
3. NEVER play domestic with a guy. You said you fed him? You tended to his needs, gave him everything, stuffed in your feelings even after he cheated on you? Never do that again. Don't feed and care for and cater to a guy in hopes of making things more serious. It's too exhausting to play the victim of not being appreciated.
4. So you didn't save your virginity until marriage? So it was a mistake. Don't compound it by trying to keep this fool of a man. Look on the bright side -- when you do get married, sex won't be awkward and painful with him at first. Don't beat yourself up about it UNLESS you keep wasting time with this loser.
You learned some hard lessons, and you had the misfortune of meeting this bozo. Hopefully you don't repeat history, and I don't think you will next time.
Get rid of those stupid bonding chemicals that make us all stupid by going to the gym or getting outside and walking. It'll clear your head like nothing else can. Stay away from losers who sweet talk you into bed.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 March 2013):
 OP your feelings are correct you are being used and taken for grated.
He will never appreciate you and what he had even if you walk away.... if he asks you to come back and you tell him yes but on your terms (i.e. no more rowing the relationship boat alone... no more sex, no more feeding him... no more doing all the things he needs done... I'm doubting he would come back and stay....
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female
reader, elise22  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 @Cerberus, even though I agree with your take on this guy's intentions, I think you're being mean for no reason and she's not a narcissist. She came on here looking for advice.I know how terrible it is to realise you want someone more than they want you, and I know that it's incredibly hard to walk away when that person makes you feel so good. I'm actually in a situation like this one myself, and I'm so terrified of losing him but I've finally decided I'm going to tell him it's all or nothing.Because the truth is, you're better than this and you do deserve someone who will give you more and want you more.He's already told you he will cheat on you if this ever becomes a real relationship, which is a really big red flag. It's going to hurt to get out of this now, but it will hurt so much more after years of non-commitment and infidelity. If he finds someone else in a heartbeat, he really doesn't deserve you, and even if he does come back after missing you (or missing the things you do for him) and wants a relationship, he probably will cheat on you because he's already said he will.About your virginity, you already said your resolve wasn't that strong so it's really no use stressing about that now. Don't regret it, see it as an experience. And please don't stay with him because it would sound wrong (in your ears or someone else's) that you gave your virginity to someone you weren't in a relationship with. Things happen, and it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks. Regret is such a useless emotion, just try to move on and not to make the same mistake again.Good luck, I hope everything works out for you and you'll find the strength to do what's best for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): it's quite simple really; if a guy is really 'into' you he'll give you a title because he wont want anyone else to have you. You can have him string you along until he does find someone he's 'into' enough to be with them OR you can go out and find someone who likes you as much as you like them. Virginity or not- it doesn't matter 99.99% of people aren't with the person they lost they're virginity to. Besides why do you want to be with someone who'll cheat on you. Someone who cheats on you doesn't love you (despite what he says about his ex).
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reader, wonderbread +, writes (4 March 2013):
I'm backing Cerberus up on this one. This guy is playing the flute and getting you to dance to his tune... Why buy the cow when you can milk the cow for free?
I don't mean to be harsh when I say that but that's the situation.
And as far as the virginity thing goes, I'm sorry that it happened, but there's no point staying with someone who won't commit and will cheat on you. Cut your losses and move along.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): You snap out of this weird fantasy you're living in, stop being such a hopeless narcissist who feels she needs to win and walk the hell away from this no-relationship with a guy who's seeing other women, doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and openly admitted to you that he will cheat on you.
Wake up, Dorothy, it's time to click those ruby slippers three times and come back to Kansas, the wizard is really just a guy who is having his fun with you and other women too. You're not going to get any kind of movie-like romantic ending OP. And your narcissistic unwillingness to believe there could possibly be a guy that doesn't love you as much as you love yourself is just leading to stick to a guy who is happy just getting what he's getting without having to commit to you in any way.
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