A
female
age
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*uldex
writes:3 months ago after 26 years of marriage my husband left me for another woman.The first month we had hardly any contact but now we speak and see each other every day. He says he still loves me and that no one will ever compare to how he feels about me.He only knew his girlfriend for 2 months before he left and is not living with her. He also says "he thought the grass would be greener but it isn't".I pretend to him that I am fine and looking forward to buying my own place once the family home is sold, but inside I still love him so much. He is also very depressed and on medication now.Do you think he could be regretting leaving or is he just playing games with me? We had a very good marriage( or so I thought)
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reader, juldex +, writes (27 May 2011):
juldex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am still feeling sad about the situation i am in. I am about to move into my new house in a few weeks time. I am in contact with my husband and we speak on the phone or see each other most days.I often stay at his house or he stays at mine which I know probably isn't a good idea but we get on so well and have a laugh together and the sex is still good.He still sees the other woman and says this is because he is frightened of being alone and can't see it going anywhere (they are forever arguing and spliting up).They never spend the night together and he says they don't have sex and that he thinks of her as a friend.He is still depressed and drinks to sleep at night. I also found out that for 8 months before he left he was addicted to valium but has stopped taking them now with the doctors help.He has hinted at regretting leaving me and says he loves me but hasn't asked to come back and I tell him that I miss him but have never said I would be love to give our marriage another go.I am frightened that if I say 'shall we give our marriage another go and try and work through our problems'he might say no and then we lose the closeness we have now.But on the other hand I hate knowing that he is still seeing the woman he left me for and that I am in fact become the other woman. What the hell do I do next?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): As a few people have already noted, he left you after 2 months with this other woman. Which means the 26 years you two had together did not matter. Sure you kicked him out but he could have stayed and worked things out with you. Instead he continued and is continuing to have a relationship with this other woman. My husband cheated cheated on me after 11 years (we have one child). I kicked him out. He didn't want to go but it was either him or me. So he left but was always asking to come back after left the family home. I have taken him back. We are working to fix our relationship but it is still a work in progress. I have days when I still hate him for what happened. My point is he asked to come back then I had to ask myself whether it was something I want and was willing to work on.It is probably best not to have so much contact with him. It is not good for you. Have a bit of a break. There's no reason why you can't be civil to each other. But he betrayed you, your family and the life you built together for someone he only knew for 2 months. Give yourself space to process things and let yourself feel all the emotions. It is hard to do this when you are talking with him.As for depression, yes people do funny things...but it is not an excuse to wreck someones life by doing something stupid as he has done. I have had chronic clinical depression and it certainly did not make me want to cheat and hurt my husband the way he is hurting your right now.If he needs to talk, suggest he sees a therapist so you can look after you because he certainly is not going to be there for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): Hun, I know it hurts right now BUT he lied to you. He is with his new gf, going on holiday with her and this speaks volumes.Try cutting off all communication with him- or at least bare minimum communication. Stay busy. Get new friends/ social gatherings. This man has moved on and although u still love him, he is with another.Packing his bags and hauling his sorry ass out of your life was the best thing u did. U will see this a few months/years down the line. Plse remember he made a decision to cheat. you paid a heavy price. BUT one day it will be ok.Hey how about starting to prepare yourself for your daughters July wedding? Look around and see any potential 'friends' u can take to the wedding. Happiness and the best years of your life still to come: that is if YOU embrace it, accept it and yes you can see the silver lining.Much love and care to u.LoveGirl
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reader, juldex +, writes (27 March 2011):
juldex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone for their help. If Im truthful with myself I would like him to come home to me but he hasn't ask if he could and there is no way I would ask him to come back. I think what hurts the most is that we never had the chance to work things out cos when I found out he had been seeing this woman (who is 10 years younger) I packed his bags and kicked him out. He told me they were just good friends and nothing sexual had happened, but if this was the case why not be open about it cos I am not a jealous person . He is still seeing his gf and is going on holiday with her next week ,which she paid for as a present to him.We have two daughters together, thats why I decided to stay friendly in the first place. The eldest is getting married in Las Vegas in july and the holiday is already booked and paid for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): He gave up you and 26 years of marriage for some bimbo he met two months previously???
Seriously, he never even considered you for a moment - he is a selfish pig.
Now that he has found that the bimbo is not what he wanted he wants you to be available for him?? And how long before he meets another woman and the same thing happens again.
Think long and hard about subjecting yourself to such pain just so that he can have his pleasure.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): why are you holding on to mere words from him. his actions speak louder than words.
why are u so willing to just accept crumbs from him.
he LEFT YOU . he threw you away. he ran after sex and a better life without you. he left you without a moments notice. and NOW you want to just accept him back. why must you be second best?
26 years and he threw you away. this speaks volumes of the kind of man he is. you thought u knew him. you obviously did not.
why are u still waiting around for him.
honey i know u love him, miss him and want him back BUT he made a choice where he betrayed you, threw you away and now you are feeling sorry for him!
i do not understand you. pining for him is one thing, allowing him to trat you like second best, a doormat is another. and if truth be told- he has.
can you EVER trust him again? i think not.
yes you are afraid but rather you venture into the cruel harsh world with your eyes open than to stil have blinkers on, pretending to be happily married.
the trust is gone. you will always wonder what he is up to. he will also be looking for a loophole to play around as well.
is this what u want for the rest of your life?
i am all for saving a marriage. BUT for the right reasons.
you may think that i am highly critical of you, but i think that u made it in this 3 months, why take back a mistress's leftovers.
LoveGirl
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reader, Kilcardy  +, writes (24 March 2011):
The fact that he only knew the gf for 2 months says to me that he just got swept away with an infatuation on which reality has since intruded. He's now looked around and realizes he screwed up in a big way. I don't think he's playing games with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): People do really strange things when they are depressed, depressed means "really fucked up mentally", and if you haven't been through it you don't know what it is like (I haven't and I don't wanna know either).
My wife got involved with another man when she was depressed and the medication may have triggered it, because she started to feel better on the medications and then she started having a lot of negative thoughts about our marriage, and then she went crazy, really crazy. Today, years later, she still can't believe what she did.
CaringGuy has it right, you need to look into this more.
It has taken a lot, a lot of love and understanding, a lot of patience, and a lot of counseling, but we have a good marriage, and we understand what happened (although the exact trigger may never be known).
Ask him what he wants to do the next time you see him. Don't get back together without STD evaluations, and long term counseling (couple of years or so).
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 March 2011):
Perhaps you should try talking to him about it. He indeed may have screwed up royally. To be fair, being depressed and on medication is a pretty big sign that his head's not in the right place.
I'm not saying take him back, I'm not saying make promises, because this man has a huge amount of effort to put in if he's serious. But, I think it if you still love him that much, 26 years might be worth trying to save. He needs to be honest, he needs to be open, he needs to have sexual health checks done, and he needs to have incredible patience with you if you are to do this. He also needs to attend counselling for his depression, and couples counselling too.
This might be one the of the rare times I say try to save it, rather then throw in the towel just yet. And I don't say it often.
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reader, Jovan  +, writes (23 March 2011):
 I am not sure if i could give you the right answer or not, but yes, it could be that he regretted for what he had done ( i suppose he left for younger woman), that's what usually happens. That was really lame of him, at least in my opinion, 26 years are very long period of time.
I am really sorry for what happened to you and i'm really looking forward that he will show up on your door step with flowers behind his back and go down on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Good luck!!
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reader, lisastuds  +, writes (23 March 2011):
This made me so upset. I can't believe men sometimes. Twenty-six years!!!!!!! and he left you for another woman who he knew for just two months?
I understand when you say you still love him, after all, you've spent most of your life with him.
I think that maybe he is regretting leaving. There a type os stability you develop after having lived with someone so long.I think its that he misses with you. You comforted him in ways he didn't even know, and now that he has gone, he realizes that.
And possibly, as you said, he has realized that the grass is not greener on the other side. This situation is classic.
If I were you, I wouldn't take him back. He doesn't deserve to be forgiven. Not after hurting you like that. That is just unforgivable.
He should have to live with his mistake, while you try and make the most of your life without him.
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reader, kaykay1989 +, writes (23 March 2011):
 I am so sorry to hear that hun. I think that hes regretting leaving you and rightly so, and of course your going to still love him because you've been together 26 whole years your feelings can't dont just disappear.I think that hes realised he's made the wrong decision and feels the same way. The decision is up to you hun I don't think he's playing games if you'd been together a couple of months i probably would say yeah he is but I dont think so.
Whether you tell him how you really feel is up to you as well as if you take him back this is a lot of years not to try and resolve it if you both feel the same.
I wish you all the best hun xoxoxox
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