A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:This is a long post but I really want to ask a lot of deep questions from the very wise agony aunts.For those that haven't followed my previous posts, I'll give a very quick intro to my situation. I met my wife three years ago. I had just finished my biotech degree and left my casual supermarket job that had a lot of potential to progress into management within the company. I went to China to live with her for two years and teach English. Well, I foolishly made the decision to jump in the deep end and commit to her through marriage very quickly.Now I've been back in Australia for close to 1 year. I'm 29 and she is 27. We are getting older very quickly. She is 100% determined to get a house. This scares me a bit. I'm afraid of commitment to large things with her and let me explain why...See, I had a habit of discussing too much with my mother. I always felt a lot of pressure from my partner and hated it when she would get nasty and talk to me badly. I am a little insecure sometimes anyway and I hate the way she will say stuff like she has no feeling with me and my pay is crap. She even once said she is still charming enough to find a man 10 years older than me that is already established.See, I'm back with my company and trying to find decent paying full time work but keep hitting against a brick wall because I'm not qualified enough. My manager told me that he might give me the opportunity for training into management but I'm looking at at least 6 months before that happens. Then it will take another 6 months on top of that to get into store management. Then you have to meet certain criteria to keep the job.My dream job is environmental science. I would love to go and do my masters full time or part time for 1-2 years and graduate as an environmental scientist. But my wife is getting extremely angry and saying that my student loan is too high and I need to concentrate on working. We have the house deposit already but we are leaning on me being able to provide the stable 50k+ full time job. That's a bit hard at the moment.Now you understand my situation with employment, feeling underskilled and lacking money. We rent a bedroom in a share house and it's becoming a strain on our marriage.Let me talk a bit about my wife. She has slowly changed to be less abusive towards me but still says nasty things like her heart being far from me and speaking about hating me. I think it's just getting worked up because most of the time she has been ok in the past couple of months.She has a lot of good ideas for investment in housing etc. She really is driven to become rich. She studies the papers about buying houses and listens to the recordings about how to be successful.She told me tonight she has a plan to buy a house within two years and have a child shortly after that.All these plans scare me. Plus I am coming from a low self-esteem point of view because of my uncertainty about what kind of jobs I can do. I've tried to have sex with her recently and she claims to have no feeling and says she is bored. She has a medical problem that I think is making her uncomfortable.Now I know I'm very smart and have a lot of skills that could be put to use. But my dream is to go into science. Unfortunately, my wife doesn't support these ideas because she wants to fast track getting a home.I know the banks won't lend us the money in the short term. As I see my wife's growing frustration, I wonder if she can wait another couple of years or if she is going to become more and more angry with me and start to resent me (and possibly leave me?)So now I think you can all understand my insecurity and reluctance to commit all the way with her. Because of her nastiness, I've lost confidence. I really feel hurt when she gets angry at me because I'm doing the best I can with work.I feel like I lost a lot of independence after getting married! What I mean is the ability to take my time and undertake further study. I know it's wrong to compare, but I look at my uni mate and he is studying his finance masters program. He works a lower paid job and has twin baby boys due in Feb. His wife supports him for further study.My wife is completely different and expects me to work in a job with higher pay.Agony Aunts, I'm thinking a lot about my future. I don't want to lose a lot of things. Like the chance to study.You know, it seems a lot of people from my uni course failed to find work. One Chinese man has captured my wife's attention because he made a number of instructional videos about buying homes and the different markets (this guy claims to be very wealthy). Now she wants me to become a real estate agent...This is not in line with my plans to study and become qualified in environmental science.She seems to have this predefined plan and she expects me to play along with it all. Reckons she knows the best way for us to have a really good future. Some of her ideas are very smart but I very much feel like I'm part of some plan and scheme and like I have no say. That if I don't play along, it will be ok for her to kick me aside.She spends so much time to think about securing her future. Even tonight she said she feels that we are not family (related by blood) and that she could walk away from me.I feel exhausted every day and feel like every day is an uphill battle. I'm never truly happy. I feel like I need to work just to make money and supply all these things. I want to do the work that makes me feel great and to have a say in shaping our future together. She is so dominating and bossy that I feel a lack of control. And I feel very hurt by her saying she has lost a lot of feelings towards me. And how she pins the blame of everything entirely on me. That just adds to my already sad feelings about my work situation.What should I do Agony Aunts?? I feel a lack of control over my future and a lot of uncertainty. Try to weigh it up:1. I want to do more study an improve myself.2. I feel pushed in the other direction because I need to provide for my wife and setup a married life.It seems that meeting the family obligations are the very things I wasn't quite prepared for. It feels like too much responsibility.I don't feel ready to buy a house with my wife. I don't feel completely happy with her and it seems very one sided and like I'm the one dragging her down.Finally, this might seem like the wrong thing to say but I know a lot of stories about Chinese women that pushed for a house and had a child before deciding that they hated their husband and decided to take a lot off them. I don't feel that with my wife yet thank god.But I don't like her nasty side!
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female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (2 October 2012):
 Buying a house is a very big commitment. If you are unsure...don't do it.
I think you have much bigger decisions than the ones you have posted.
Although you have some good things to say about your wife, she sounds like a tyrant to me. She tells you what SHE wants from your life together. She does not include you. This is not what marriage is all about. Do you want someone who is constantly trying to control and manipulate you throughout your life? If not, I suggest you think about your current situation.
In terms of your finances, if you haven't noticed lately, the world economy is not doing very well at the moment. If she is as savvy as you say, she must know about these things and know that there are a lot of "what-ifs" when it comes to your situation. Honestly, I do not think she cares what you want and will bulldoze you, your thoughts, feelings, and opinions to get what she wants. In other words, she will bully you until you give in.
I would suggest you tell her that you are not buying a house until you feel stable enough in an occupation to do so. I just bought a house last year and just turned 40. Is saved money until I felt in a position where I could purchase a home and if I happened to lose my job, still find a way to pay for it. You have to think about these things. I would honestly think about divorcing this woman before I let her control me like she is trying to control you. You have a right to have an opinion about how you live your life...but then again...you should have discussed this before you married her.
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (2 October 2012):
 I remember your other posts. I'm sorry but your marriage is over. At this point you are going through the motions but the chance of making it last forever...? Very, very slim. You aren't happy, she's not happy. What are you waiting for? She isn't going to change. She wants money and a nice life, she doesn't care about what makes you happy and what you want to be doing. If she finds another job one day that makes even more money she will make you go for that and not be content until you do. The only way you can do the things you want is to be alone. To stay with her you need to be ready to have your life dictated and still not meet up to her expectations. You both want different things. You are comparing yourself to other couples and wishing you had a different wife. There's no reason to still be in this and so I ask again, why are you? Maybe you have a fear of being without her. But I think there's a far greater fear of spending your life with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2012): Dear OP...my best friend had the same situation...met an asian/chinese girl in Australia..they got married..he coudlnt continue his studies cuz she quit her job and he had to support all the expenses...she got very ungry cuz she didnt see any money..she treated very bad him..she offended him...she didnt talk to him for weeks..that just last for one more year and they got divorced...she begged him but he was hurt...he finally continued his studies..become a success professional...single and very happy. She found a older man...divorced but rich..that was she was looking for..she is very happy too.You two are looking different things.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (2 October 2012):
Nowhere do you say that you love her or she loves you.
Your marriage is a business arrangement with your wife calling all of the shots. The arrangement is: as long as you do what she wants and says you will have a wife and marriage.
Are you familiar with 'unreconcilable differences?' It is the number 1 reason that people divorce. You an your wife have unreconcilable differences. If you ever want to be happy or even just content with your life, it is time to divorce her.
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