A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:The story begins with a guy and a girl falling in love on their first date. Everything went perfect. They both click the first time they laid their eyes on each other, and they're hoping to "get it on" tonight. However, they found out that they're both virgins. What happens now? My article is not about finding the right or wrong answer to my question. My article is about questioning why affective sexuality is ignored. For those who don't know Affective sexuality, I'll just do a quick recap on the three modes of sexuality (A little education for those who don't know). The first one is Primary Sexuality. It is when each person has an inherent propensity to be primarily a man or a woman. Primary sexuality is an individual’s mode of sexual existence—how he or she is present to and interacts with him/herself, others, to reality in general, and (to God). *For those who are religious*The second mode is Affective sexuality. It refers to feelings, modes, and emotions that move toward or incorporate intimacy. It describes how we are affectively (more than cognitively) motivated to become closer to one another—to “touch” physically, functionally, spiritually, or aesthetically. We “feel” affection for another; we desire to be closer to another. And the last mode is Genital Sexuality. It is the behaviors, thoughts, fantasies, desires, and feelings that activate genital organs. There is a distinction between genital feelings and genital behavior. Genital sex is one of three modes, but (important) it has been overemphasized at the expense of others.The question is not whether these definitions are right or wrong because we know they exist in and are part of our lives. When I take a look at the relationships around me, my mind wonders where these relationships are rooted. Is it primary, affective or genital sexuality? Of course, it's all of them or a relationship would never be call a relationship for a reason. However, I have began to realize that in this generation, primary and affective sexuality are often missing and ignored. Like I said up there, genital sexuality has been overemphasized. How many teenagers and young adults know and can tell the difference between genital feeling and affective feelings? (I'm going emphasize a lot on teenagers and young adults but feel free to include older adults as well). I think most cannot because they are so intertwined that they're often confused or unable to identity the differences. Am I saying they are stupid? No I am NOT. What I am saying is where is our young teens and young adults getting their message from? Is an intimate relationship all about sex or is it about getting to know the other person in their most inner part of the soul? My other thought is how many of you guys think OF or ABOUT sex when you hear the word INTIMATE? Sexuality is MORE than just sex. It is MORE than who we are as a male and female. It is MORE than relationships. The idea of sexuality is so complicated that I get lost and confuse myself. What ever happens to the friendships and brothers/sisters? What ever happens to "taking it slow" and "I respect you"? Sure, there are plenty of young man and woman out there who do NOT think of such things (sex on the first dates) or "I'm only dating someone who is sexually experience or active". I also want to say that I, myself, am challanging and going through this. I am taking a course on Human sexuality and had taken courses on Relationships, Interpersonal Psychology, and it is still difficult to define sexuality. I've had people make fun of me because I believe in friendship over sex when it comes to relationship. I've had people make fun of me because I'm a virgin and believe in marriage before sex. I've had people giving me the wierd looks as if I am one of "those" wierd people. It would hypocritical for me to say "I'm better" when I struggle with sexuality myself. I am not saying that I'm smart or better. I am a person who struggle with my own sexuality (not questioning but struggling) just like you and just like the girl or guy next door. P.S.. I understand this is none of my business, but I have a strong passion about sexuality and my only concern is to understand people better. This is MY own goal for this article, to understand and listen.
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You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 July 2011):
 You give for granted that your perception of reality is THE reality. While in fact it may be coherent with the limited segment of human experienece you have been able to observe in your environment, and not apply in other places, or social groups, or age brackets. If you are a fish you think the whole word is made of water, if you are a bird you don't.
Just spend a whole afternoon on Dear Cupid and you'll see what I mean. There are surely posts from anaffective young- or also older - people who prefers casual sex, one night stands, "genital" - or performational- sexuality. But as many post, in fact many more, tell a different tale. " I am in an LDR and we won't meet each other for two more years, but our feelings are enough to carry us through " " We are not sexually active because we want to be married first...in 5 or 6 years ". " My husband is impotent, or is unable to satisfy me, but I love him and I'll never leave him ".
When I read this kind of things, I am half admired and half amazed - because in my personal opinion, an unbalance toward affective sexuality at the expenses of genital one, is equally undesirable or even unhealthy. But, regardless of my opinion, these things do happen. Often.
So, to debate your position, one should accept the solidity of your premises, which , I think, is far from unquestionably assessed.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 July 2011):
 No need to get offended. It is simple facts. You not having the experience does not mean you are naive, you shouldn't get offended so easily. You not having experience with sex simply means you do not have experience with sex. This is also the reason why you ask yourself these questions, and are troubled by them. Because you imagine things to be this or that way, without having the real field experience of it.
You're practically much like a scientist who wants to write an analysis on a case he hasn't ever read up about, experienced, or investigated. If you want to play with theories you need to do real field work as well, so you have something to ground your assumptions on. This isn't belittling you, it is simply stating a fact.
My response was meant as nothing else but to engage in the debate, so again I will repeat that there was never a need for you to take things personally.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@chigirl: Sorry but I believe you are wrong. Secondly, don't look at my post as if I'm just a naive virgin girl who knows nothing. I've lived, study and wrestle with these kind of question in my everyday life and don't be saying I know nothing until I experience them.
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A
male
reader, askmeanything2  +, writes (19 February 2011):
 I think you need to try it ,then think about your question again ,and see if you think about it the same way.
When you say the word sexuality i think of oriantation ,im gay ,you dont say what oriantation you are ,do you know ?
or is this why you are still a virgin ?
I do agree most people would think of sex and nothing else ,but i think older people not just younger people would think of just sex ,we are all diferant and thats the beauty of people,it takes all sorts to make the world go round ,this is just my thoughts on your question ,i think you will get lots of diferant ways people will answer.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 February 2011):
I do think you'd understand sex better if you weren't a virgin. It's difficult, if not impossible, to try and analyze something you have never experienced. Much like trying to analyze a movie you've never seen, or describe the flavour of a fruit you've never tasted.
The difference between these modes of sexuality is something you are confused by because you haven't experienced them. Once you have it will all be less confusing.
Me personally do not find this a tricky situation at all. I do not think of sex when I think of intimacy, and most people also understand the difference between sex and intimacy. As well as "pure sex" and sex with emotions. Sex with emotions is typically also referred to as "love making".
You say that sexuality is more than just sex. How far have you come to discover your own sexuality? If you want to understand more of this, you ought to have a grasp on it by now, right? Or, being a virgin, are you too scared to explore it in fear that you may want more and not be able to hold back? For example do you flirt? Do you know your own body? Do you dream about erotic things, do you see a man (or woman) in the light as a sexual being? Do you have passion?
As for the relationships around you that you wonder about... be careful to judge. A relationship built on sex tends to not last or be a good one, we've discovered and acknowledged that long time ago. It's common knowledge. However it is none of your business to tell others how to build their relationship, or whether it will last or not.
The rest of your thoughts however are diffuse and not easy to understand. You'd benefit from clearing up your thought pattern so we understand where you are going and what point it is you try to make.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionObviously sex IS fun. If that's all there is to the relationship, then I might as well not be in one. Unless you, yourself, are only in for the sex. I'm talking about relationship, not casual sex in a relationship or a fling.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (15 February 2011):
 Sex is fun.
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