A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi! I have a question, but first a little bit of background info.I have a friend who I was romantically interested in, and who was getting ready to leave his partner, as she was controlling and abusive. I'll admit that we had a bit of a physical/emotional affair, and I fell hard. We would chat on MSN, and I saved one of the conversations because he said things that made me smile and feel good about myself, and I would often look over it later when I was in a bad mood. Now, however, he's suddenly abandoned all thoughts of leaving her, and is now basically ignoring me and telling me to get out of his life. I have NO idea what I did to deserve this, all I did was support him and give him advice - while his partner has him followed, and regularly reads his e-mail and spies on him.I feel hurt and betrayed, am wondering if I should mail the partner exactly what happened between us. Should I? Do I have a right to feel upset about this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): You'd be surprised how judgmental cheaters are of your actions, looking for any little thing you say or do forthem to use as a justification for not putting both of their feet into the relationship and cutting ties with the current one. He may not verbalise these perceptions but they are there nonetheless in his mental scorecard. Often when you share information about your relationship history or childhood, and your actions show how little you think of yourself to play second fiddle to his girlfriend...he draws the conclusion that you are just as screwed up as him. He uses the information to justify his treatment of you and to rationalize how he leads you on when he has no intention of keeping you around. All the negative hype he fed you about his girlfriend was just to appeal to your competitive nature to get in your pants. If it bothered him so much he wouldn't be with her. You were the default girl who gave him an ego stroke and let him slot you into his schedule whenever it was most convenient for him and that worked for him in the short term. It takes two to tango and you want to place all the blame on him and not take responsibility for your part of the deception...you were hovering around in the background of another relationship, aiding and assisting a cheater by becoming his complicit partner. But choosing not to acknowledge the true reasons for entering this type of arrangement or the reality of why it ended, is an avoidance tactic, a defence mechanism, and a sure sign that you'd rather bury your head in fiction rather than confront reality. Reality is you try and wrangle commitment out of the least likely candidates. Did you deserve this? You never would have become the other woman in the first place had you believed you deserved an ounce better. The key thing that you need to realise and accept is that while you are not responsible for his behaviour and shouldn’t absorb the blame for his mistreatment of you (neither should his girlfriend), you must be accountable for the fact that you persisted in this relationship and persist in your relationship choices. A difficult pill to swallow but swallow it because you and only you are responsible for why you are effectively enabling someone else’s poor behaviour. Just because someone wants a bad relationship with you where they get to water down your expectationsand use you for an ego boost and the sexual benefits, does it mean that it’s what you have to give him because it’s what’s on offer?
A
female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (15 February 2011):
 Amen Cerebrus,
And why do you want a man who's partner in life can't trust him farther than she can throw him. You act like she is the villain because she is smart enough to trust her gut and check up on her instincts about this guy.
Don't be her, too stupid to see him for what he is, a charming, yet lying narcissistic, selfish jerk with no empathy for others nor a conscience at work.
Count yourself lucky and stop going after the obvious assholes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): "I have NO idea what I did to deserve this" You're the other woman, that's what happens when you get with another woman's man.
"Should I?" No, lick your wounds and move on. Don't stoop any lower from being a mistress to a home wrecker.
"Do I have a right to feel upset about this?" No, that's what happens when you fool around with another man's woman. I'm serious you were willing to steal him away from her giving her this exact same pain and betrayal you feel now and you didn't give a crap about how she would feel because he fed you a load of crap about her being evil. It backfired, so instead of her feeling this way you are.
It's all your own fault OP. You see what happens when you get with someone who is already in a relationship is you get hurt, because they're already someone you can't trust because they're a cheater. I don't care how many sob stories or other packs of lies he told you to get you into the sack, you fell for it and you were willing to tear her world apart to get what you want and now karma comes back and bites you on the ass for it.
This is over and done with. You have no right to feel bad about any of this because this is situation you were fine with until it was her he chose. You didn't mind being the one that ruins things for her as long as you got your prize at the end of it, but it didn't happen that way for you.
Take this as a lesson learned and walk away, never ever get with a guy who is spoken for, he's a cheat and a liar from the start and I seriously don't get how people fall for that crap. Do you not see the logic behind this? The very act of getting with you makes a person who is already spoken for a liar and a cheat it really is stupid to think they won't lie and cheat you too.
If you want my advice OP, then you'll go for one of the nice, single guys that are out there.
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A
male
reader, GreatFelix +, writes (14 February 2011):
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
-Ghandi
I felt it appropriate to start with that quote from the great spiritual leader Ghandi. Telling the partner JUST to ruin their relationship would be the wrong thing to do.
This isn't to say that you shouldn't feel angry and upset by what he did. You have every right to feel that way, but before just running out there and telling her you need to consider her feelings. Going out for revenge is never right because in the end everyone ends up feeling hurt and no-one has gained and everyone has lost.
Going back to the beginning of your little story though I see that he clearly thinks himself a bit of a "player" and that's never right in my opinion.
The issue I have is that you went along full well knowing he had a girlfriend, and no matter how "bitchy" you might see another girl as being, she still has feelings too. The thing is, is that as humans we cannot control our feelings and as you were single it is your right to express your feelings, but he had responsibilities and I'm afraid to say that 90% of this situation falls on his shoulders.
Then him "blocking" you out is effectivley him trying to forget that part of his life, like he has realized he has screwed up and doesn't want it to come back and bite him.
Therefore I recommend giving him a chance, tell him what you think, and if he ignores you then yes tell his "girlfriend" what happened, factually though. Diverting into lala land at any stage of the story makes holes, and a slimey guy like this could wriggle his way through those holes, saying you're a liar and a fraud.
The reason you should tell his girlfriend though is not for revenge, but to clear the air. Let the ugly truth out and make sure people see his true side.
Before you do any of this though there is one this you MUST do. And that's tell your closest friends. Why? Because when the worst comes to the worst you need to know they'll be there for you, if you tell them and they wave it off then it's not there and something is wrong, and when you come out in the open with it you won't have their backing, which you will need for the rest of your life pretty much.
Truth can break relationships. Truth can break friendships. Never let it break both.
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