A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Well here goes againI have asked advice now twice on this matter and have taken advice in different degrees.My story is long but i will keep it short. I promise this will be the last phase.I have been seeing a married woman now for 6 years. I also have a partner. Yes i know its wrong so please dont judge.Anyway christmas 2009 we were in effect caught at a party kissing. Since then i have told her that if we are to be together then she must divorce her husaband. To date this still hasnt happened as i belive that she is scared of what he will do. There has been excuse after excuse and now one of her children is getting married. Thus she says she wants to be around for that.. Which is at Christmas and next summer.. Yes two weddings.My home life is pretty poor and i would have jumped at the chance to be with this woman. She says she loves me but i have to wait. My fear is if i wait it wont materialise..Everything in both our lives is a lie and i cant undrestand why she insists on being there for both weddings. Thus she will continue this year as life as normal while i tear myself apart and get depressed.I understand a womans instinct is to be there for her children but they are all over 18 years of age. I could understand if they were say 10 years old if you know what i mean..She tells me that as soon as these events are over she will leave.. at that point the shit will hit the fan. I have told her that its the wrong thing to do and she must let it be known this year... i beleive its only fair to tell the truth to an extent.. at least then everyone can come to terms with itWhat makes matters worse is that i found out she lied about going out with another couple last week to a restaurant.. Thus now i am thinking what else does she lie about...I dont have a problem with the meal its the fact of the lie and how i found out about it. I was really cut up when i learned of this and basically tried to end our relationship at that point.But she managed to talk me aroundThis week:Today i have ended it and however upset i am about it i simply cant continue to live a lie or get depressed. I intend to let my partner know that our relationship is over but she knows anyway...so its all change from here..I just hope i am strong enough to stay away from this other woman as i really do love her. Probably more than i have ever loved anyone.Its very scarey!I intend to hand my notice in at work as i cant be around her anymore its too upseting.She told me today that she loves me and always will. I replied that actions speak louder than words and i have shown full commitment to her over the yaers and no one can ever dispute that... I have been her friend, lover and councellor at times and she cant even give me a life..one that i deserve anyway without waiting another year and a half..In my opinion if she did love me then she would prove it and be with me...Or at least end her marriage.. I would even be prepared to wait until after the wedding as long as she done something positive for us but deep down i know she wont... She is either too fearful or as she says she doesnt want to spoil the wedding...Anyway have i done the right thing? Or should have i waited? But destroying myself at the same time.At least by doing this i will see exactly what she does want!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): why do you expect her to be honest with you? after all you both arelying and destroying your partners lives, so what is so different with you two. lies, half truths and secrets have become the norm for you both.you have no qualms cheating on your partner. you have used your partner for the last 6 years and now you just want to throw her away. this speaks volumes of you.as for your married lover, she is in her marriage bec SHE WANTS TO. she is not unhappy with her hb, she is just having sex with you. you have become her 'bitch" over the years where she slates her hb, uses you as a sounding board, and a little bit of sex on the side. basically you are like a priest, but with sex involved. bottom line: she will NEVER leave her hb. her kids will disown her, her family will shun her, she will be incapable of resuming a decent, normal life with you. only 10 % of affair couples are able to make it as a normal couple. read all the affair stories here on DC. ARE you willing to bet that your relationship will withstand the challenges of a "normal" relationship you are used to sneaking around, slinking into the allyways, what possible chance do you think you have to conduct a "normal" life????????how do you seperate the lies from the truth??? do you know what the truth is ?? or do you only know what your married lover tells you. she has lied to her hb for over 6 years. why do you expect it to be different with you??food for thought. LoveGirl
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (15 March 2011):
 Quite simply - yes you have done the right thing, so well done for finding the strength to end it.
Her behaviour is typical of a standard 'cheater' (regardless of being male or female, all behave the same). She has her safe, stable family life and then she has the exciting, forbidden relationship with you to keep her entertained. She never had any intention of leaving her husband for you, I am afraid you are just the bit of fun on the side to pick up and put down when she chooses. She knew that you loved her and would wait around for her - therefore YOU were responsible for her never leaving her husband. Why would she want to do something scary and difficult when she could have both of you with no trouble at all?
If she is going out with other couples, planning weddings with her children etc then clearly they are very much a family unit and are not having any marital problems. She is not unhappy with him and has a nice life, why would she want to take the risk and leave it all behind, hurting her children and multiple other family members for a man who hasnt even left his girlfriend yet?
You have to face it that she is pretty happy with her husband and does not want to leave, she just is a person with very low morals and no regards to how many people she is hurting. She cannot face up to her actions and what she has done, instead she chooses to sweep it under the carpet and carry on like everything is fine as it is.
If she had her way this affair would continue until she gets bored of it, knowing she had you on stand by whenever she wants you. But you have been the bigger person here and ended this affair, you are taking back the control of your own life and stopping letting her call the shots.
Quite simply you need to move on, this woman is not going to leave her husband for you so just accept that it is finally over and start the process of moving on. Of course it hurts and part of you will consider starting the affair again because that is the easy option - but the right option is not always the easy option.
Cut off all contact with her and get her out of your life - you dont need someone like her, she is going to drag you down. Take your time to get over her and you will realise in time how much better off you are without her.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi just an update on this subject:
I am not asking her to leave right now. I am asking her to tell her husband that its over.. and after the wedding its a done deal. The fact that i have to sit and wait alone whilst she carries on life as normal for the next year and a half is killing me. Anniversairies etc..
Also why did she lie to me the other day? She has actually destroyed the trust which is a very big part in the relationship..
I really do think that i am the only thing keeping her marriage together.
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A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (15 March 2011):
I understand where you are totally, I'm in the same position except that she did leave her husband and her kids are younger. Listen - I cant tell you how it will work out becuase I have the same problem but I think the answer lies with yourself. If you want to wait for her and show your love for her, then accept that is the decision you have made. Accept the your prepared to wait for a year and a half to see what happens - your still seeing her right? Still being with her in some way? Things may work out if you chill out and accept what will be will be.On the other hand, your decision to end it is also valid - if thats the case accept it also and move on. The pain will get less a little each day - exercise, relax, meet with friends whatever you need to do to take your mind off her. She is going to be there for some time becuase the love is strong I know - but she wasnt committing to you and that is a sign that its not going to work.Myself, I have committed to wait - the payback if it does work out is massive - a gorgeous funny woman who is great in every respect. Hopefully she will get her head straight at some point!Best of luck mate - let me know in a year how it turns out...
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 I understand how frustration builds, and eventually you react, not when it's best but when you can't stand it anymore. I have to think that's what happened here.
It's true that she may just have been putting you off yet again. But by not inserting her own drama between the time of her kids' engagement and their marriage, she's doing the right thing. After six years this is the deal breaker?
I haven't the faintest notion whether she ever intended to leave her husband to be with you. It's rare in these situations, so perhaps you're right. But distracting from the kids' happy time to satisfy your frustration? That's another wrong in a long list.
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