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female
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anonymous
writes: hello..a question to those of you having affairs(come on you know you're out there)i have begun an affair but have no intention of leaving my husband for my lover and neither does my lover want or expect me to. we are both happy about this decision as it is one we both disscussed and agreed on.we will carry on for as long as or as brief a time as either of us wants.when one decides to finish thats it its over.my husband is happy with me and i am with him but my lover adds that excitement that i adore as my husband is rather set in his ways.its just that it feels strange..to have the love of my husband and the attention of my lover whenever i want..no strings.i'm surprised how guiltless i feel.is anyone else in a situation like this? an affair of no strings sex and all parties happy?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2006): If your husband is aware of your other relationship and OK with it, then maybe you can 'have your cake and eat it'
I find it fascinating that no one would suggest to anyone else that they should only have ONE friend at a time, one who will meet all your needs as a friend. Of course not, so why not the same when it comes to sexual partners? Really only because of societal pressure. Because we've become possesive of our sexual partners and feel that one at a time is the way to go. But really - is that true?
Are your sexual needs and offerings are less complex than your emotional needs and offerings as a friend??
If you can be honest with your husband about the other relationship then it could work. Could be he's having a fling also. (Would that be a problem?) But consider also how you would feel if you sneak around and then get caught. Can you bear to lose your husband? If not, then stop it now! If you can, maybe it's time to walk away anyway.
Sounds like you could use some time away from the sitution - time for one of those friends to make themselves useful - let you decide on how your future will pan out. For your husband to accept it, he'll have to be incredibly open minded - and even if he does you'll still need to address the issue of your lover's partner - should she know - my guess is their relationship is totally different from yours and your husbands - could she handle it. If she couldn't how would you feel? If he said he didn't want to tell her - how would you feel if she then found out?
Lots of questions for you - hope it triggers some useful thoughts about your future.
Good luck,
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (28 July 2006):
 Hmmm... 9 days since the original post and nary a word from the poster. I daresay she has scurried away from this forum is search of people who will tell her what she wants to hear.
But look at what she started. Very interesting, I say :)
Poster, buck up your courage, come out of hiding, and let us know how things are going. We won't bite - literally.
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A
female
reader, looneytune +, writes (28 July 2006):
I am not a therapist, nor do I claim to be, but here are my thoughts. When I was a child (10 years old) my oldest brother shot himself in the head because his wife was unable to be faithful to him. He just could not live with the hurt that she caused, nor can I now. In 1999, my second oldest brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and was given six months to live. It was at that time that his wife of 17 years decided to reveal that she had been having an affair with another man for three years and wanted a divorce. My brother was absolutely crushed as he loved her with everything he had. Six months later as his body began to shut down his wife divorced him and left him to die alone. She remarried exactly 30 days before he died. His remaining time was filled with heartache and hurt as he watched his wife "the love of his life" run around town with her new husband who was "the love of her life". My brother passed away, but the hurt never left. In my opinion...and I might add...I have never seen a cheater change.....ALL cheaters destroy lives. By having an affair...you are risking not only your life, but the lives of everyone around you. You may not intend to do this, but your actions can and will catch up with you. If you cant be faithful...let your husband go so that he may find someone who truly loves him. He deserves at least that much. Stop being selfish and stop dragging him through the mud.
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A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (28 July 2006):
 I still feel that if they have tried everything and EVERYTHING as you put it didnt work then they should move on first... Not start an affair. The person here was saying that things were great apart from that bit of attention, so hows that trying everything to repair it... How can that be so nice to do, have a husband for all things and then when you want your perks go elsewhere ?? If you really are not happy in a relatioship, then try to fix or move on, from what i read here the lady in question is having an affair doesnt feel guilty, but then the husband doesnt know there is a problem ? So my advice was to talk to her husband, try and work it out, as this hasnt been done yet, so if the husband is set in his ways then a talk needs to be had to try and at least get both parties singing from the same sheet, until that point you cant move forward. The easy way out for most people is to have an affiar, but they dont fix what they already have, and in this case i dont think an attempt to remedy it has been made.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (27 July 2006):
 That was a bit of a lecture wasn't it....and half the time I am the first to complain at poepl having affairs anyhow. Just not when they ask for advice....
x
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (27 July 2006):
Lol Willywombat, you make me sound like a priest :)
I don't mean to preach, although it sometimes comes out that way. In this case, I just don't know how to ask the questions that will help this poster get answers that she can truly live with. So in this case I just say what is on my mind.
Given that she is here, her instinct probably tells her that her conduct is inconsistent with someone's moral standard. I think her challenge is to reconcile her behaviour with the moral standards of the people she cares about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2006): i can't really help you because im in the same situation really,well im the lover and he his married with children,it's been going on for about 5 months now and at first it started has abit of fun but now i have fallen in love with him and it hurts so just please make sure your lover doesn't fall in love with you because it can be a emotional rollercoaster for both.
x
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (27 July 2006):
wild thaing, I wasn't having a go at you, so I think it would be unfair for you to *have a go* at me.....
This person has asked for ADVICE off people who have experience of this situation. If they had asked to be talked out of it, or to be lectured or told how morally wrong they are then I could understand why everyone feels the need to *have a go* at them. But they are in a situation and I feel maybe it would be nice if people could exercise a little bit of objectivity. If they do not agree with what is being said fair enough. But there is no reason to lecture a complete stranger who has merely asked for advice.
Affairs are not (in the majority of cases) enetered into lightly. Despite the common misconception that only *players* have affairs, you will find the majority of unfaithful people have them because somethign they vitally need is lacking form their original union.
Yes, moralistaically(is that a word?) it is wrong. But nobody lives a truely blameless and pure life. Some people commit emotional adultery, some physical. Some just commit adultery in their heads...... Some individuals see porn as unfaithfulness, others do not.
I do not object to people having a point of view. I do object to people taking their opinions and trying to thrust them down the throats of evrey body else.
Each human individual has a different set or moral standards as you allude to them. But it does not mean that they are wrong. If HE doesn't know and SHE is happy (or vice versa) then it is up to the two poeple concerned to deal with this. I would like to say this person SPECIFICALLY asked for advice from people who have had experience of this sort of thing. I have been cheated on and I have cheated at times in my life. It does not make me morally corrupt. It makes me a person who sometimes makes poor choices in life. But that is for me to deal with, as it is for this individual asking the question.
Please allow people to have an opinion and express them without being jumped on. You may not agree with what they are doing, but what good is it to them for you to lay on the guilt?
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (27 July 2006):
Willywombat, what I ask from people who cheat are arguments that are consistent with the moral standard of their unwitting partner. If the moral standards of both are the same, then having other sex partners should pose no issue and there is no need to hide the other relationship. For these people, there are swingers clubs and I think that's great (honestly) because they all conduct their lives by the same moral standard.
Granted, I am using a moral standard that includes the golden rule - treat others as you would want to be treated. And what I see here among the cheaters is the element of deception AND this notion of guiltlessness. There something inconsistent about this, and I would appreciate either explanations that make deception consistent with golden rule, or an acknowedgement that these people don't include the golden rule in their moral standard.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (27 July 2006):
Ah, but some people try evrything in order to remedy a situation and nothing comes of it. AND I do mean EVERYTHING. Until you are in this situation you cannot judge others. If you are lily white in everything you do (and NOBODY is) then you cannot judge.
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A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (27 July 2006):
I Agree with wild Thaing... plus if your not happy with the person you are with you should take steps to see if you can remedy it.. If all else fails then its time to move on. Cheating is not the answer, it only leads to heartache, but then as Wild Thaing quite rightly put if you guys think its all okay then you should tell your partners and let them make the choice whether to stay with you or not as your clearly not bothered.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (27 July 2006):
Oh puhleeeeze...
Poster, have you done any further thinking, or have you just gone away because you don't want to hear that others have a moral standard that is different from yours?
If all of you cheaters who have posted here feel no guilt, then tell your unwitting partners about what you are doing. After all, your consciences are clear, right???? And why would these pour souls not be happy for you?
If the only counsel you can give is validation, it is NOT counsel. I pity your partners.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (27 July 2006):
 To the responder below:If someone is doing something that is perfectly all right then they don't need to worry about "being caught". So obviously you do think that cheating on your husband is wrong.To the Poster: Wild Thaing is correct, you are only looking for validation for actions you know to be wrong both morally and ethically. Pity the husband.
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A
female
reader, jaybird +, writes (22 July 2006):
Yes i have been there too.I love my husband very much but never got the affection i needed and did what you are doing now. I had nothing more than sex with the other man and it was great while it lasted. The only thing is that you will get a taste for it and when this has finished between you then there will be another.I spent 4 years having affairs just for the sex and closness of a man that i didnt get at home. I never felt gilty for what i was doing. When you are missing something from your marriage you will always get it somewhere else. Just dont get caught x
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A
female
reader, karenw61 +, writes (22 July 2006):
as some one that has had been on the recieving end of my partner having an affair on me i am here to tell you to be very carefull.it might seem to be fun but when found out many people will be hurt and live in the aftermath for a long time. especially if there are children involved. please think before hurting others .it is much better to end a relationship before beginng another. please think of those you may be hurting
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A
female
reader, a1 +, writes (21 July 2006):
well well well...im guessing all the people that are giving advise never had an affair or are the ones that have been cheated on! right? i bet all of u wish u could ever have the opportunity to have two lovers. I myself im deeply in love with two men. And no matter how beautiful a person is inside and out ..no matter how perfect the relationship ...that excitement LOVE phase you get at beginning of each relationship is only that...a phase ..its temporary...some of us chose to have a spare tire at times to add excitement....some of u decide to search for forever loves that will never come....choose who u want to be thats all
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (20 July 2006):
Wow, it's great that you and your lover have no problems with this deceit. Moral relativism at its finest.
It's curious that you only want to hear from those who are having or who have had affairs. Are you afraid of hearing something you don't want to hear?
So, if you are certain in your moral standing (i.e. you feel no guilt), why don't you let your husband in on your affair? What harm could possibly come from the truth? Maybe he would approve. Oh, your husband might actually mind... right.
I think you need to think very deeply about the choices you have made and continue to make. You might be surprised at what you discover. Good luck and take care.
p.s. Willywombat, I understand your frustration, but this person is not here to seek advice; as far as I can tell she only seeks reassurance that her actions are in line with our moral compasses. It is my choice to tell her things straight up, not to provide validation.
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone +, writes (20 July 2006):
 Personally, I don't condone cheating because I cheated on my fiance. The difference is I felt like crap and still do to think what I did. I won't bash you like everyone here seems to have done but I will say this. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. Would you be happy if he was cheating on you like this or would you be happy for him that he found what you weren't providing? I am a man and I know that no man wants another farmer plowing his field.
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A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (19 July 2006):
I dont condone cheating, partly because its been done to me! But well if you dont feel guilty then perhaps you dont love your husband as much as you think you do. If your not getting from your relationship what you need then perhaps you need to iron out the crinkles and work on the relationshp rather than looking elsewhere for your quick buzzes. It feels great for now yes and your having fun, but be careful, what would happen if your husband found out ? How torn about would he be, how hurt would you make him feel, you then will feel just as hurt that you have done this to him. You may think that he will never find out, but these thigns have a habit of coming out and if it does you could lose the love, trust and companionship of your husband. You say you are happy with your husband and he with you, that cannot be completely true or you wouldnt need to look elsewhere for that buzz, try and repair what you have rather than throw it away, think how you would feel if you didnt have your husband ? what would it do to you if he found out and all you had was sex with no strings ? what then ? would it have all be worth it ? Im just trying to point out that whilst yes it all feels good right now but there could come a time when it all goes horribly wrong, especially if this other guy does fall in love with you! its not unheard of! I would take a bit of time to reflect and maybe seek some counselling and see if you cant get a spark back, long term relationships can go a bit stale and the spark wears out but thats replaced with a greater undertanding and need for each other and compaionship, see if you cant make things better in your marriage as it sounds as though you have a lot to lose if you dont at least try.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2006): Hi i,m in the same situation as you thing is i dont feel guilty because i dont love my husband and i dont think he loves me only i have had 4 lovers and he just turns a blind eye.as long as i'm her to run things.i think i love this present lover i'm not going to tell him as i dont want to loss him,but a day will come i'm sure it will end.look deep down do you really love your husband,i dont think so.good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2006): I agree with what everyone else has written. You are CHEATING on your husband; BETRAYING him; being DISHONEST to the man you promised to love and cherish and FORSAKE ALL OTHERS when you married him. What do you think this means? It means, dear lady, that you don't take on any more boyfriends/lovers once married.
If your husband dies, or you get divorced, that's a whole other ballgame. THEN you can have one, two, three, half-a-dozen lovers if you want.
I have a suggestion for you: if this is so wonderful, why don't you TELL your husband you've got a lover? See how great and "all parties happy" and how good you feel, then!
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (19 July 2006):
Good to see everybody jumped on the band wagon and had a go at this individual who was actually asking for help or advice from people..........
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A
female
reader, Hot (Advice) +, writes (19 July 2006):
 Oh actually if you do love your husband very much then you would feel guilt, so actually I'm guessing here you don't love him as much as you think you do because your guiltless in your actions...mmmm
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A
female
reader, Hot (Advice) +, writes (19 July 2006):
What about go to a forein country where they allow polygomous relationships, you will never be satisfied whoever you are with. Stop relying on other people to give you what you want sexually and other ways. NO ONE can satisfy a person 100% in ANY relationship so yea while you do love your husband very much and don't wish to leave him there still will be things in the relationship you don't like or certain aspects about his personality you may not like too much. Hey that's life girl!! You can't have your cake AND eat it you know. That is selfish... peoples feelings are involved here. I feel damned sorry for your husband.
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A
male
reader, tonsta +, writes (19 July 2006):
i personally think what your doing is wrong! if you love your husband try and find a way to get excitement with him.someone is going to end up getting hurt, because as soon as there are lies it leads to very bad heartache. in my opinion you should break off the affair come clean with your husband and see where it goes from there.
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A
female
reader, i no how u feel  +, writes (19 July 2006):
Coming from the other side where my partner had an affair behind my back, i personally think you need to grow up and sort yourself out. The only person your thinking about is yourself. Your happy! every thought about how your poor husband would feel if he ever found out. It would hurt him beyond belief. If you really loved him then you would have never let this happen.You need to make the decision over your husband or your lover YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (19 July 2006):
Hey you. Can't help on a personal front but have some experience that I don't really want to share on this bulletin board. So feel free to PM me!!
xxx
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