| A
age
30-35,
*
writes: I asked for advise on my partner of 12 months not long ago all the advise was great i wanted to take it but now its a whole different ball ground.... ok i dont want advise telling me to leave him because i cant....My partner asked me when he lost control in this relationship i sat there dumb founded until he explained, now he has control over everything except for myself he can't control me but he apparently needs to because he is the man, now i'm gathering whats going on in your head is exactly the same that went through mine, i wanted to leave him right there and then, i'm not a dog i don't sit and beg at his feet. days after he started saying to never doubt how much he loved me and he would never leave me an hour after saying those words he started dragging me around the streets telling me to fuck off and he didnt give a shit about me then flip flop to yelling at me coz i wasnt walking with him grabbing my forarms dragiing me around then changing his mind throwing me around saying horrid things to me now normally i would just walk home and he'd be better when he arrived home the next day but i couldnt this time because his little bro was with us and was staying the night and i wasnt about to leave him out with this idiot. i love him to death i do but i cant handle this crap i cant leave him because he will hurt me i just know it i just dont know what to do.... Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (11 April 2011):
 Bad day honey or something worse? We are here if you want to talk, but we can't reach you through the computer screen. I want you to call the Support people, they can hold your hand, fight the bad guys or even give you somewhere to live.It will get better, you just got to believe that. If he's bothering you, then let the support people do their job and call in the police.Life is better this way, this way you won't end up dead. Get yourself some support outside, we are too far away to help you and be proper friends, but we care and we want the best for you.Call domestic violence, so we can all sleep a little easier when we know your safe and protected.Domestic Violence Crisis Service 02 6280 0900 (ACT) 24hrsDomestic Violence Crisis Service (SA) 1300 782 200 (SA) 24hrshttp://www.dvcs.org.au/http://www.relationships.com.au/resources/crisis-telephone-numbers
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): I have seen many guys that engage in this behavior. I can tell you things can get better because they really can't get much worse. I also have seen that as much grief as guys like this give they will chug along and then like a dog that just broke off his leash and is off running wild...they just find something that draws their attention away and they will sort of dissappear.Keep the faith.Fight the good fight.It is all you can do.Just don't this chump talk you into going back to him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): Have you got help from a domestic violence centre? You don't have to go through this alone.
...............................
A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (9 April 2011):
 How are things worse? When you leave a guy like this there really has to be a cutting of contact between you two. I am guessing he is tormenting you which I know you have the strength to get him to stop. Death is not a logical answer, you still have so much to live for. Get him out permenently and move on. You'll find another guy. There are plenty out there who will treat you the way you should be treated. Seek friends for support guys or girls, someone who will help you stand up in this bad situation. No relationship or person should ever cause this much pain and your solution is right infront of you. It doesn't involve changing who you are, it involves getting him completely out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEverything is horrible nothing is easier...He has ruined my life...i should have just stayed with him..!! death seems to be the only way out of this nightmare..!!
...............................
A
female
reader, CourtneyAwesome  +, writes (29 March 2011):
GOOOD JOB Girl! Proud of you!! :D
...............................
A
male
reader, The Realist +, writes (9 February 2011):
I know you have the strength and we are here to help you along this path as well with whatever you may need us for.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 February 2011):
"i cant handle this crap i cant leave him because he will hurt me" (original post)
Hi Fayy,
Congratulations on your new life. You've been very brave to put your own happiness and safety first. I can imagine how scared and frightened you feel right now, but things will get better.
You don't have to talk to this idiot again. Contact the police and tell them he's harassing you. Change your telephone number. Tell your friends and family that the guy is a crazy man and your frightened he might try to hurt you. Please call the Domestic Violence people, Vintage gave you the numbers. They have lots of tips to help you, and places to stay if you feel vulnerable.
You must remember, this man is a coward. If you give in to cowards, they get stronger and meaner. If you go back, he will treat you worst than ever. The only way to be safe and happy is to stay away from him.
He can't hurt you, the police know where he lives, keep a mobile on you at all times and if he comes near you, call the police straight away.
Remember your life before him. Imagine how your life will develop without him. He may be bothering you now, but he won't keep it up for long. One day he'll be gone and you'll never see him again.
Just keep yourself safe, and build yourself a happy life. You can't be happy with this crazy man, don't believe his lies, he can't change and get better, he will only get worst.
As you said, your not the type of woman who can keep her mouth shut and be treated badly for very long. You've got to much courage, too much self-worth to allow a man to hurt you for very long.
Stay brave, in the end you'll be happy again. Good luck Fayy, us aunts all wish you well.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): It's really good to hear that. Stay safe and best of luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Thank you for the follow up, I was thinking about you wondering if you were OK, I am really pleased you found the strength, leaving was the hardest part. As soon as you can change your phone number so he can't keep phoning.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThnk you everyone i left him.....its very hard but thanks to you guys i relize it will get easier....he keeps calling and msging me he wants me to take him back i havn't i and hope i have the strenth not to ever.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 February 2011):
Two of my friends left abusive men.... they were scared but they had no choice. The men were trying to kill them at the time and strangers broke down the door and rescued them.
Don't wait until your nearly dead, by then it might be too late.
And yes, life gets brilliant, you laugh and are happy again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): Hi Fayy,
People post on a question like yours, because to them, the only logical thing to do is leave, job sorted, they post to give you encouragement to do just that.
I was a little older than you, 21, married to a great guy, he was a football coach, karate champion, had a smile and time for everyone, people loved him. They didn’t know the man, I discovered him to be.
Two weeks into our marriage, I got my first slap, and it went from there, getting worse as time went on, I have seen him take the wooden door frames off with his bare hands, that was just his warm up, I was next. I ended up terrified of him. I was wearing long selves in the height of summer because I couldn’t let anyone see my bruises. It couldn't even be blamed on drink or drugs. The abuse continued until he knocked me down the stairs while I was pregnant, then he calmly, walked down the stairs stepped over me and went out the door, saying “I’ll see you later” as if nothing had happened.
I know, you think if you love him enough you two will be able to work this out, this really isn’t workable, it isn’t fixable. On top of that you are living in fear, but worse you are paralysed and can’t leave him because you fear what he will do, so you put with the now because you are afraid of what happen, you said it yourself * I cant leave him because he will hurt me* I know leaving him is the scariest thing in the world and it will probably be the hardest thing you are ever going to face, but you can do it, you have to because this man is trying to break you, you are putting yourself in danger staying with him every day. When, I left my husband, I got a friend to help, I didn’t say what was going on, I said I had made a mistake and needed to get away, I stayed with his sister and family, shared their young daughters bedroom, then found myself one room to live in all I could afford, but I was safe, the bruised healed the other scars took a lot longer. This was over 20 years ago now, but I am living proof it can be done and you can do it too.
If you feel you can’t tell anyone you know then, there are people out there to help you, to keep you safe, they may even be the better option given that you are scared of what he will do if you leave. I have looked up a couple of things for you.
Domestic Violence Crisis Service 02 6280 0900 (ACT) 24hrs
Domestic Violence Crisis Service (SA) 1300 782 200 (SA) 24hrs
http://www.dvcs.org.au/
http://www.relationships.com.au/resources/crisis-telephone-numbers
You are worth more than this, no one deserves to live like this. You can not fix this man.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): yes you CAN leave him.
this is how - you tell your family or friends that he's abusing you but you feel you can't leave him. Hopefully one of them will care enough to pull you up and remove you from the situation against your will. Then once you're out of the fog of abuse you will eventually see how much better life is away from your abuser.
if you refuse to leave him, then the best you can do is run for cover every time he gets wound up, and be hypervigilant all other times. (but what kind of a life is this?)
I want to tell you to fight back, like get pepper spray and use it on him.... but I think it will back fire because you live with this guy and you refuse to leave him thus you will always be in danger and fighting back will only make him more angry and he could kill you in your sleep if you make him mad by fighting back even just one time.
...............................
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (3 February 2011):
 I read your post about your situation post abortion. He is evil. Cant you see it? YOu should not be making a baby with him, he's going to be a terror to the child. It'll be just as abused as you. What a horrible man. He has no insight, no empathy no understanding. What a terrible terrible situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (3 February 2011):
You are allowing yourself to be permanently damaged. You won't turn out to be that happy, healthy well rounded woman, but an abused and weak person. Do it for yourself, do it for your health, do it for your sanity, do it for your parents, do it for whoever; but leave him! You are damaging yourself by staying with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): You HAVE to leave him. Here are your options:
1) leave him. Firstly talk to the police (without telling him, obviously) and tell them you're scared and you want to leave him. They'll help you do it, they can help hide you from him and stop him contacting you. Anger management counselling isn't helping him at all so there's nothing else to do. I was so scared to leave my abusive ex but there is a way through it. It's hard but once you do it, your life is amazing and completely your own again, it's incredible! I wish I'd left him sooner. In fact the longer you leave it, the harder it is and the more control he has over you.
2) follow all his controlling orders forever or until he gets bored of you. Be his doormat and lose who you are completely. He's the man. He doesn't love you, he loves having control over someone. He's the man so his decisions are final and what you think or feel doesn't really matter. So you get pushed down into yourself until you won't know who you are anymore and you'll actually start to think the same way he does - that's when he'll truly have control over you and it'll be so so hard to leave.
So if you want to lose yourself, stay. If you want to be free to be you, leave now. There are some wonderful men out there who'd love to know you and would love you for who you are.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 February 2011):
We can't help you. Your partner attacks you, throws you out on the street, and wants you to be his dog, and you allow him.
He won't change, shy should he. No matter what he says or does to you, you will keep loving him, have sex with him and clean, cook and keep house.
We can't help you, nobody can. You love the man and your willing to die for him. The more he hurts you, the more you love him.
I just hope he doesn't scar your face or put you in hospital next time. The police have been called, so you know where they are if he hurts you again.
I feel sorry for you. When you get fed up with being hurt and abused, contact your parents and ask if you can go home.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (3 February 2011):
 You don't want advice telling you to leave him so what advice are you looking for? Tips for self defense?
Even if you stay with him he's still going to hurt you. He's an abuser and you are his abusee. This sad excuse for a human being isn't going to change by seeing an anger management counselor because he doesn't want to change. He enjoys harming you; it makes him feel bigger and stronger when he sees you being weak.
The thing about abused and battered women is you have to want to get out of this relationship..you don't. When you actually want to get out of this relationship, you tell a friend, a parent, guidance counselor, therapist, police officer, someone who can help you get out of the awful situation you're in. But you have to look inside yourself to find that strong will, self respect, and dignity to get yourself out of this abusive relationship.
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/am-i-being-abused-2/
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): "ok i dont want advise telling me to leave him because i cant...."
There is really no other advice a sane person would give you but to leave him. If you don't leave him, you should at least acknowledge you are being complicit in this abuse. You have choices and you should acknowledge that.
Start documenting. If you get bruises from fighting, start documenting them with photos or a doctor's report. If he leaves threatening messages, you should keep them.
You should already have police reports from the time they've come to break up the fights.
You need a restraining order. This usually involves a court hearing where he gets to defend himself against any accusations you have against him. If you have evidence, you shouldn't have a problem.
That doesn't mean he won't break his restraining order. I'd stay with family until things blow over.
Forget anger management counseling for this loser. You need counseling for yourself. You obviously think you deserve this jerk...why?
...............................
A
female
reader, CourtneyAwesome +, writes (3 February 2011):
I don't call it being stupid because your not, you're just Love strucked. I understand that you Love this guy maybe more than your own life but you have GOT to leave him. Easy thing to do is get the police have them come with you when you pack your stuff or when he's getting his stuff and issue a restraing order. This guy can hit a woman but when it comes down to the law and jail time they get afraid. You don't need this girl you're really pretty and you seem like you have a good heart, there are guys who will treat you like a Lady and not drag you around town like you are a dog. You say you don't want us to tell you to leave him but girl that's the only choice you have unless you want your family to morn you after you're gone. Don't do this to yourself you're better than that.
...............................
A
male
reader, The Realist +, writes (3 February 2011):
Well then it's really hard to say. I hope they work. I do understand where you are coming from though where you care so much that you don't want to just abandon him. Maybe you two can try classes together so that you two can learn to cooperate with each other.
I don't think negative things towards him will help so you'll have to really work at staying positive.
Stay safe and I hope you find happiness.
...............................
A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (3 February 2011):
 Ok fayye your a beautiful young woman I back tracked your previous posts for insight but you need to get out of this relationship now please for your own safety and wellbeing if this male is the same one from your post http://www.dearcupid.org/question/help-me-save-my-relationship-please.html where you lost your baby due to his behaviour please darlin theres far better men out there who treat a woman properly this fellow you need to kick to the curb now throw a restraining order on him bella and change ya numbers to so you can happily move on and heal yourself spiritually and find a man who is going to love,respect and take care of you.
...............................
A
male
reader, df30 +, writes (3 February 2011):
Thats ridiculous, you need a restraining order on this guy, he is borderline abusive and is on the verge of hurting you. I'm sorry that you feel such love for someone like this I don't know why females put themselves through this kind of behavior but you need to pack up everything you need and leave when hes not around, get a restraining order and cease contact with him immediately. Go to the police and tell them you don't feel safe. Love shouldn't be established from fear this guy can't take control of your life you should realize that there are people in this world that would never dream of treating you like that. If you continue relations with this man things will only get worse because you have okayed this type of abuse, get out now. I know you dont want to hear that but I dont care you get one life dont settle for bullshit. Let the authorities do their job and let no one know where you are going.
...............................
A
male
reader, faenon +, writes (3 February 2011):
Why is it so many young women are so stupid you have had to call the police on this sad excuse for a man, a real man regardless of any wrong doings his woman may have done would never raise a hand to her.Wake up your in a abusive relationship and staying with him unless he really does pull his thumb out and go to councelling for his weak behaviour towards the fairer sex isnt going to help you emotionally.His controlling you and no woman or man is property to another sentient we are ourselves what would happen if god forbid you fell pregnant to him and he dragged you around like that? Is that the kind of unloving environment you would want to raise a child in? Leave him until such time that councelling proves to have corrected his poor behaviour you can do and deserve better than a dog who hits and emotionally blackmails a woman wake up before you get hurt far worse by this low life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe does go see an anger management counselor as i have had to call police before and they have told him he must go get help.
...............................
A
male
reader, The Realist +, writes (3 February 2011):
I feel truely sorry for you if you think that you can't leave him. You can leave him and have your friends with you till things cool down. Or the cops would do wonders for this idea he has in his head.
He needs some conseling fast. I'm not saying that he can't change but don't think that you can change him or that he will by himself.
Other than that your only other option is to put up with it and do what he says.
I hope you don't get hurt through this and I hope you have some friends who will help you out.
...............................
|
