A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiMy husband just beat me down to the floor last night and held me there. I refusd to be held down so I fought to free myself. He told me to calm down and stop being angry I was calm and I was not angry. I was fustrated I was being accused of somethng I did not do or worse feel. He refused to stop holding me down into the floor until I agree with him. I didn't and I broke loose. I'm furious with him in my head. I feel so sad I don't want to talk to him. I have told him on paper that when he talks he mixes up his facts with his emotions all over the place which makes it impossible to know should I answer his facts or his emotions. Whatever way I choose I get it wrong. Once he has it in his head about me he won't let up until I agree with him. I feel very sore my jaw and back hurts. He said I was being defencive about what he was talking about. I wasn't being defencive I was having an opinion. I know he's under a lot of stress at the moment and I'm being very careful to treat him gently. He gives out guidelines for a project and then he'll come back a few hours later be disappointed with some small detail. This is where he tells me I'm being defencive when I say to him these were your exact words and I followed them and now you are changing you mind he just says he never said this and that and that I'm causing him to have a heart attack because of my defenciveness. Can't get it right no matter what I do. Weird stuff like he tells me to tell him when the water gets hot so an hour later I tell him it's hot and he shouts back to me "what are you taliking about the water is on" WHAT I don't understand him. I tell him I said the water is not hot and he shouts up to me you said the water was not on. I'm being defencive again he says. Then a few minutes later he says oh I think your right. I feel like if I sit in a corner I'm sure to get it right. I don't want to and I will not sit in the corner just to keep him happy with his suspisious mind. His saying is a woman should shut her mouth and sit in the corner. This makes me infuriated because he thinks himself to be an intelligent and informed being Help! I need advice x Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, leni  +, writes (16 October 2008):
for goodness sake! this man is abusing you, start planning how to leave.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): Thanks everyone!
I come from a none abusive backround. Never experience anything like this before with anyone. I'm going to address all of this with a professional so they can find a way to help me.
By the way my response to DiovanLestant she clearly calls me a liar etc . .
"There are many women on this board that have suffered rape, torture, beatings, physical and mental abuse. You insult them and you insult me with your lies and manipulations. Please update your post, answer my questions if you dare, and maybe we can give you proper advice to help your husband out. I fear however you are too immature and selfish to do anything but complain and throw tantrums, make demands and drive your poor husband to despair.
Thanks you all so much x x
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): 16 animals feed 4 every hour.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): I'm sorry babes, that my words were harsh. I have already apologised for my first post and the fact that I got things wrong. I have very carefully read your first and second post and I have read everything that everyone else has said. I have spent time tracking down information to help you to deal with the anger and control issues that you and your husband face. I was trying to help, but unfortunately it just has made things wrong. I can't see you, and I don't know you, I can only see what is going wrong by the words you have written on this page. I am glad that you have found some information to help to solve your problems. You can contact Dear Cupid and a moderator will have my posts removed from this website. I passed on the information that I thought suited you best, maybe your right and my words are offensive rude and harsh, but I have taken time to think about you and your happiness and try to help out...
Again I apologise, there will be no further correspondence on your issue from me. As I said, I wish you well.. Blessings...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): Hi DiovanLestat
Your post is highly offencive and cruel.
I'm a very soft and gentle person.
I came on here as a safe place because my heart was sad.
Your harsh and bias words made my experince here unpleasant.
I keep my marriage issues private. People like me don't run to the police or the neighbors. My marriage is between me my husband and God to solve. I just came here for some annoymous friendship. I'll offer up a prayer for you that your heart will soften and that you won't hurt someone else with your harsh words!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): Thank you so much "Annoymous Female"
Thank you for reading my lomg post which I forgot to paragraph
I keep a dairy of events so that way it helps me to feel heard if only by the computer, this helps so much. I thought I would futher it by coming on this site for feed back. It's not easy to explain someone like this, the man you love and care about who gets upset with you when you've done your best. I genuinely don't believe he knows his way of dealing with the feelings he does not like are not normal. He dosen't just pick me out he's the same with his employees. They end up giving in their notice because he confuses them so much. I've learned to deal over the years by switching off when he starts at me.
I will look at the website you gave me xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): PS: Again Ms anonymous who has experience of this type of behaviour has provided you with a very good link at http://www.coping.org please make this your first stop to gain advice on how to bring some measure of control back into your situation. There is a brilliant description of what you are facing in http://www.coping.org/control/intimid.htm.
I'm wishing and hoping you get to safety, and may all our blessing go with you and protect you from harm.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): Thank you madam wife, for you long and detailed post. I must first apologize to you for the harsh judgements I made about your character. The added detail has made it more clear to me about what you have been dealing with and I can know understand your fear and your frustration. I know you love your husband and you are bending over backwards to make your marriage work. The other aunts and uncles that have replied to your question were totally right and I have been totally wrong. I myself based the aggression and knocking you to the floor based on my own situation, as I have a temper and yes this has happened to me. I know your shock and your humiliation that someone could treat you this way, in an attempt to shut you up. However, for me it has always been an end to an argument and has given me a chance to calm down so proper communication can happen. This IS NOT THE CASE IN YOUR SITUATION. Now due to your update you have stated clearly and calmly exactly what is going on, and I now understand that your husband is mistreating you and limiting your freedom, each and every day.
Your husband is a control freak, everyone but me could see that, and I am very sorry for my harsh words and my lack of empathy for you. There is so much burden on you, to do the right thing, to jump when he says, to run after him, to please him. This is not fair and this is not right. I'm guessing (and again I may be wrong) that this is your husbands personality and he is like this with you and with other things in his life and he may have a touch of OCD.
I know you want help, and you want advice on how to work this out. Ms anonymous below me, has suggested you start keeping a diary, writing down every incident of physical, mental or emotional abuse, so that you can refer back to it and see exactly how many times he mistreats and abuses you. This I think is a good idea.
Please keep this post, the answers you have been given, and the details that you have communicated to us. I don't want you to get rid of my first answer to you. I want you to look at it and acknowledge that it is untruthful and is not the reality of the situation in which you find yourself. Assume that it is how your husband sees the situation, and know that it is very, very wrong. YOU ARE BEING ABUSED, Both Physically and mentally. There is nothing you can do to please this man. Everything you try to do will ALWAYS BE WRONG.
I doubt that he can ever understand what he is doing wrong. He needs counselling badly, marriage guidance is the only answer to make him see how badly he treats you, but I doubt that he will go.
Is he ever calm. Is there a time when you can talk to him face-face calmly about how scared and nervous you are around him? Maybe by communicating your total anger, frustration, and FEAR of him, might get him to realise what he has been doing to you. You are not a child, you are a loving, kind, woman who is trying to help him during this stressful time. But he has no right to treat you like this. As you say, you are woman not a child and you have rights, opinions and wisdom as much as he.
I don't believe your marriage can work. I believe his behaviour will (as the other aunts and uncles have mentioned) get worse and worse over time. I am hoping this is the first and last attempt at aggression, but as you probably know, men that get physical only begin to become more and more violent.
Is there anywhere you can go. Can you move out for a couple of weeks, and leave him alone. This will provide you with a break and a place of safety, where you can honestly talk about your feelings and fears without fear of hostility. It might just be the slap in the face to make him realise that unless he changes, gets some counselling about his control and anger issues, that you will be forced to leave him for the sake of your own mental and physical help.
We have a guideline in use at DC. Please take a look at it and see how closely your husband fits to pattern of a classic abuser....
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.html
You can also try some communication and anger advice, to learn how to diffuse the situation, until he calms down and comes to his senses..
http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Control-Freak
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/How_To_Deal_With_Angry_People_A_Survival_Guidev.html
http://ezinearticles.com/?Successfully-Dealing-With-Controlling,-Aggressive-and-Difficult-People-in-Your-Life&id=502204
http://brainmeta.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=17418
http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/anger_management.php
Unfortunately, looking at these links and reading the messages of the other aunts and uncles on this board, the only way to deal with an abusive, controlling man like your husband who refuses to accept that he is wrong is to LEAVE HIM FOR GOOD.
Sorry for any offence given and the incorrect advice. Please accept my apologies, and my sincere wishes for your future happiness away from this abusive man.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): My husband behaves in a similar way he often picks up on the smallest detail and undermines me and twists things so that I can never enjoy anything or relax. I think you are receiving emotional abuse although it would be easy to blame stress. My best advice is to keep a diary of what happens, what is said and your feelings for a month. It is easy to 'recover' emotionally in between these incidents and they fade away but the overall effect is pretty bad for your mental health. As for the physical side of things this is just an extension of the emotional abuse and again I have experienced this because it presses buttons and I cannot take any more. You need some perspective on this and to really see the frequency of it to know if you need to leave or how to deal with it. Also look at www.coping.org
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): Hi DiovanlestatYes of course there is always more to a story. I have choosen to limit my lenght of post so to give the reason for my why I felt so fustrated with him at that time. My husband and I were talking about his attitude towards me when he was stressed. He was relating to me how difficult it was for him to reply to me in a manner that would have been more polite. The conversation was about me going out and feed the animals the day before (which was the day before). While I was out filling up the bucket he came over to me to over-see what I was doing. This is something I've had to come to terms with as part of his personaity. He has this need to over-see what me and the rest of the world is doing. I was fine about his advice and followed his guidelines. I came inside and wrote the instructions on the refridgerator. His instructions were for me to feed them 4 hourly. He went to give the animals their feed, this was 12:15pm so therefore the next feed was 4:15pm. This is where it all started. I got up and said I'm going out to feed the animals to which he go completly fustrated with me and told me what the bleep was I doing. I said it was 4:15pm and time for the 4 hour feed. Unfortunatly this is a regular accurance in that when he is stressed he won't listen so he started to mouth a load of rubbish to the fact that I was incompetent etc I was over feeding them. I asked him why he was saying all of this but I never got past "why" he wouldn't hear me. I walked out to the animals anyway and left him to rant and rave. He comes out to me a few minutes later and says "look I know you get things wrong etc etc . . I try to relate facts to him but unfortunatly he hears no reason to facts. I'm just happy he's gone inside to the house. I see no logic to this. I understand he was stressed working in the house. Unfortunatly he has to over-see everything that is done I'm surprised he hasn't had a heart attack by his own merit. Nothing can be done in the home without his permission. Actually I can do things but the critical bleep I get for taking the initive and getting things moving forward us is like we are in competition. I just thought when you are man and wife there is no competition as you work as one. How did the situation start. I can't believe that you disagreed with him, he threw you to the floor and held you there until you agreed with him. This type of behaviour usually occurs when someone is abusive, insulting, violent and may be a danger to themselves or others. Was your husband trying to hurt you, or was he trying to stop you from hurting yourself or him? What started the argument? Do you expect us to believe that he was arguing by himself whilst you sat there calmly trying to make peace? This is amazing that when you look at this with logic there is none. This is why I came here in my complete fustration. So he continues to talk about his being stressed and me not making it any easier for him by my questioning him with "why" rather than having more empathy and compassion for him . . you see how delicate he is to my words . . To say he beat me is to say he kept puhing me and pushing me with force until I feel down to the floor struggled with him so he would not over-power me. He held me down with force. Being that he was stronger than me. I eventually got out of his grip. If you have never been held down then I will explain that someone can hold your jaw and hold your body with their legs. He did not want to bruise me so his grip and hold was the part that had impact on my body. Why did I not call the police? again only someone who has been in these circmstances can understand you are so shocked by the whole event that takes place out of nothing it would seem. Of course I believe I must play a part in this if he gets so upset with me unfortunatly there seems to be no answer to my understandings of him.. I never said my husband was an evil pig or even stressed anything like it I came on here to recived an open understanding. Of course it's impossible to give a full account of the whole event in two paragraphs. It would be really helpful if you read the post again . ., where do I say he has to watch his words? The hot water subject was an isolated insodent the night before . . Unfortunatly there are people who act in ways that are not in character to what is going on . . like him asking me to stop being angry or to calm down . .. funny as it's a response to his not being happy with the answers he gets.As far as calling the police . . I was sore like I said and very upset. I do not believe in whatever it is you are talking about drawing attention to situations by the police when someone you love is acting this way. I try to find logic. As far as game playing is you make such harsh judgements given that you are not happy with the post having enough information to make you feel it to be genuine. I did not come on here to be bias towards my husband as a man or anything of the kind I came on here because I felt sad. Thanks! but you were not helpful!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): Sorry aunts and uncles, but I think I must disagree... There are several things about this ladies post that makes me think that there may be more to the story than we are hearing. In a marriage, many frustrations, disagreements and things build up over the years. I have so many questions that I would like to ask, because I don't think you have been absolutely truthful with us.
Your husband held you down on the floor. Why did he do that. How did the situation start. I can't believe that you disagreed with him, he threw you to the floor and held you there until you agreed with him. This type of behaviour usually occurs when someone is abusive, insulting, violent and may be a danger to themselves or others. Was your husband trying to hurt you, or was he trying to stop you from hurting yourself or him? What started the argument? Do you expect us to believe that he was arguing by himself whilst you sat there calmly trying to make peace?
mmmmm.... You say your husband "beat" you down to the floor. What did he use, did he use a stick, did he use his fist, do you have bruises, did he knock you down. If he behaved like this, why didn't you call the police? Where are you hurt. If he was "beating" you, what made him stop, why did he start to "hold" you instead?
"He told me to calm down and stop being angry I was calm and I was not angry. I was fustrated I was being accused of somethng I did not do or worse feel." Mrs Anonymous....
Again, these strange words you say. You was very calm, you were not angry but you was frustrated. It is a rare person who can feel frustrated but not angry and still manage to remain calm. You state that your husband was wrong, but how come I believe him more than you? Frustrated but calm and not angry, your husband just went crazy, decided to "beat" you and hold you down? Very strange behaviour, this makes no sense at all..
"I'm furious with him in my head"... So you admit to being a little angry. But why did you lie before. You said you was calm and not angry, but now you admit that you are "furious"... Which statement is true?
"when he talks he mixes up his facts with his emotions all over the place which makes it impossible to know should I answer his facts or his emotions." Mrs anonymous
I have no idea what this means, but it seems that your husband has a lot of difficulty communicating with you. You don't know how to deal with him, but I feel it must be worse dealing with you if he must watch his words. You seem to think that your husband must be careful to watch his words with you, because you demand a certain standard of conversation. I wonder what happens when he mixes up facts and emotions, do you calmly sit there, not being angry, but feeling frustrated and angry..
I agree with your husband about your defensiveness.. You have chosen your words very carefully to get the maximum, emotional effect. You have not been truthful with us, and you have made sure that your husband has been painted in a very bad light. Your description makes us think that he is a physically abusive man, he sounds dangerous and slightly insane by the way you describe him. But your injuries don't sound like they have been given by a dangerous man. A sore jaw, a sore back, these injuries are normal for two grown adults who have been "struggling" on the floor. Where is the blood, the bruises all over your body. Where did he punch you, where are the marks on your face. Why haven't you gone to the hospital to see to your "injuries"... A sore back, a sore jaw... Did he slap you, did he punch you, why is your jaw sore?
I have no idea what your talking about over the hot water issue, and thus I have sympathy for your husband, because I have a strong feeling that he doesn't know what your talking about either. This man is supposed to be violent. How come he manages to talk to you when you make a mistake. How often has he "beat" you to the floor and held you down? I really wonder who is the abusive one in your relationship.
"Then a few minutes later he says oh I think your right." It's funny how this abusive, violent man, can admit right away when he is wrong, but you claim that he wants you to agree to whatever he says. Men that are controlling don't apologise and never believe anybody but themselves are right. Again, what is the truth in the situation. Why do I feel that you are lying to make yourself feel better, and you are actual causing us to insult an innocent man.
"His saying is a woman should shut her mouth and sit in the corner." Mrs anonymous
Why do I feel again that you are saying this for dramatic effect. When did your husband ask you to sit in the corner, when did he ask you to shut your mouth. When in your relationship have you actually shut up and listened to anybody else except your own hurt feelings and frustrations. I actually feel sorry for your husband having to deal with a manipulative, argumentative, angry, controlling, lying woman like you.
A man who abuses is a evil pig, but a woman who tells lies and manipulates is not much better in my book. I know you are angry, I know you are frustrated, I know you just want to share your pain. But you have led many people to fear for your safety and you have encourage people to think the worst about your husband, when I don't think he has hurt you, but I fear that you are wicked enough to want to hurt him.
There are many women on this board that have suffered rape, torture, beatings, physical and mental abuse. You insult them and you insult me with your lies and manipulations. Please update your post, answer my questions if you dare, and maybe we can give you proper advice to help your husband out. I fear however you are too immature and selfish to do anything but complain and throw tantrums, make demands and drive your poor husband to despair.
I've seen this type of game playing before.. I suggest you look at this link. It might just save your marriage..
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-new-husband-says-im-mental-am-i.html
...............................
A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (15 October 2008):
 YOU NEED TO RUN, not walk out of this abusive relationship.
This guy has a severe disorder and he could be very dangerous to you. It is not possible to reason with him because he is mentally ill and unstable. ACT NOW !! before he could kill you!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): You need to RUN, not walk out of this abusive relationship! And I mean NOW!! It was very chilling to read about your husband. Beating you down to the floor because you don't agree with him? Honey, that's abuse plain and simple.And it won't get better, it will get worse. Find a friend, a family member, someone to help you and get the hell out of there. Next time it'll be a broken, arm, jaw, black eye...ect ect...Abusive men become more abusive. Don't try to figure him out, just get out. NOW!!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (15 October 2008):
 Yes, you do need advice. The first advice I can give you is to get out of there right away. Where I live, we have our share of violent men, but this is honestly the first time that I hear that a man holds a woman down to the floor because she didn't agree with him. It would be inexcusable if it happened once, but this is obviously his way to treat you, no matter what.
You don't need to sit in a corner. You need to get the hell out of there, now, this minute.
I have known people who react violently under stress, but this is way more than screaming at you or insulting you. Get out of there! Next time you can get very seriously hurt. Don't wait for that to happen.
Being "defensive" is understandable when they are attacking you. What he means is "let me do whatever I please". Run for the hills now! You need help.
...............................
|
