A
female
age
,
*TEVIE10
writes:I have been married for nearly 6 years, a whirlwind romance which I am now regretting. I am a Foster Mother who stays at home as that is what is requested by the agengy I work for. My husband hurls abuse that I am a lazy cow, even though I do all the housework,painting,decorating,cooking,ironing,walking the dogs, cleaning the car,gardening,etc etc.,Our sex life is nill, my fault as I want nothing to do with him, as he makes me feel unattractive and unloved. I am 5ft 6'' and 10 stone, he's 6ft and 23 stone (mainly fat) he never cleans his teeth at night yet expects me to '''dive''' on him. I no longer wish to kiss him as I hate the way he slobbers over me. He's told me repeatedly that I Foster because I don't want to go to work, he has nights out with the lads, he's told me that he has slagged me off to friends and he thinks I am a mess.I want to leave, but then I have the trouble of unheaving Foster kids or returning them and going it alone with no money (as I don't get paid if I don't have a foster child in placement)The house is in his name....which he says I will never get a penny from him, although I know I would. I don't know where to go if I leave as I am not going to leave my 3 dogs here with him, as he wouldn't look after them.I earn more money than him and pay for all the electric, gas, phone, skye TV, plus have insurances incase I cann't work as I am classes as self employed. I even have to pay for an accountant for tax returnes and stamp.When we did go out I paid, I even paid for my birthday Meal in June. He alsways says he has no money, he's a Bus Driver, then yesterday I found a leather bag hidden in the car with money in, now he's gone spare at me and told me that I was cleaning the car to snoop. He's used three excuses already, 1) I was saving for our hols 2) It's to pay for tax and MOT 3) It was savings to get new tyres. UI am sick of his lies and secrets.......any advice
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money, sex life, unloved Reply to this Question
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female
reader, STEVIE10 +, writes (2 July 2008):
STEVIE10 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all. Yes as said I have talked to my son....he came over this afternoon. I will plan my move though, and thus move without any confrontation as I have decided to do as someone said....let him live in his own mess.I am sure some other mug will be in his life within no time......but that will not be my issue.Thank you all for voicing what has been in my head, I just needed to voice it to someone.Although you are all strangers to me....it has really helped.It will take some planning as I have to contact my Social worker and let her know my plans. But I will be ok. I will once sorted contact a solicitor to take up the issue of the house.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Hey Stevie10, I can't really add any more to the excellent advise here but I want to say that I think you are a remarkable woman and I am cheering for you from afar!
Keep strong and build yourself a good, happy and fulfilling life without this horrible drain on your life!
Go get 'em, girl!
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A
female
reader, STEVIE10 +, writes (2 July 2008):
STEVIE10 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies. Yes I have already asked my eldest son....from a previous relationship.(of which I have two sons from)
I suppose I am just worried about what I have put into this relationship, and what I will get back.....once gone.
I am more annoyed and depressed with myself as I have put so much money into this house, which was in a filthy state when I moved here. Only to be told that I am the lazy one, this coming from a man that had 6 black bags in the kitchen the first time I visited....blaming his son who was lodging here.
Thank you for your replies x
Why Oh! why didn't I see it then
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A
female
reader, SadieB +, writes (2 July 2008):
It's so strange that he would leave money in the car..what if the car was stolen? That really does seem odd and you are right to be concerned about him hiding money..and treating you abusively. I don't think it sounds like the best environment to foster children in - surely it can't be good for them to witness your husband treating you with such disdain? I think you know what the right thing to do is. You are a self employed woman earning a decent wage doing a difficult job. You run the house on your own, doing all the jobs which need doing with no support from your husband. You don't sleep with him and there is no physical intimacy or desire to change on his part. What, exactly, are you getting from this relationship? You know you can go it alone..because to a large extent you already are. I think that the way he speaks to you has left you feeling extremely vulnerable and incapable of recognising your own strengths. It doesn't matter if the house is in his name as you are married, and therefore automatic split ownership is assumed. However, do you want to go through an acrimonious break up centred on money, as this will take a long time and could make things turn very nasty. Do you need to be in your own property to foster? If not, I would suggest renting a place of your own and letting the courts and solicitors work out the property rights for you. However, I understand that this all boils down to money. Is there any way you could take other work on whilst going through the move? Because you will be unable to foster for this interim period. I think it's important to remember that, although there are obstacles in your way now, you don't want to wake up in 10 years time wishing you had made the move all those years ago. You only have one life - don't you deserve to be happy? x
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A
female
reader, gretchen  +, writes (2 July 2008):
 Consult a lawyer right away! Even if the house is in his name, you should be able to organise a seperation where you won't lose your foster kids (since you said you are currently earning more than he is). Remember lawyers know their way around divorces where the women feel trapped and if you are one step ahead of your husband then he'll be the one feeling the pinch and not you. :D
Good luck okay?
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (2 July 2008):
 Get advice from a solicitor, you usually get the first half an hour free so can outline the problem and work out if you have grounds for divorce or need to separate first. He will advise you of your rights and what you can expect financially from this man. Once you have the full facts you can work out what you can do and what options are available to you. I dont know how it works with foster kids but could you get some working tax credits if your self employed income is below a certain level? Ring and ask to find out or check their website out.
I clearly think you dont love this man and he doesnt seem to have a lot of love or respect for you so Im not going to tell you to try and make it work, I dont feel it will.
Be strong, find out your options and plan carefully. I wish you luck x
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (2 July 2008):
 Hi,
I think you know what you have to do. It is just the logistics of the problem that are confronting you.
This man is a total arsehole and you know it.
My advice is to start making plans now, make out a list of what you will need to go it alone - then work towards this goal - you know you have to get out as soon as possible, this man is a monster and will drive you spare before long.
Contact the foster agency see if they can offer support. Do you have family who can maybe help you out?
Basically call in all favours, family, social support anything that can assist you in getting out . Start doing it today so you can at least have a goal to aim for and leave this bum to stew in his own mess.
good luck.,
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