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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi,I am trying to end a relationship with a man who is obsessed with me and intent on marrying me. He is a good man and he truly loves me and wants to protect me. But he is controlling, and even though I love him, I can't take the control. I keep seeing my self through his eyes and it makes me very depressed. He is really sexual and into pornography and he just makes me feel inadequate. Plus he is terrified that I will cheat on him. When I lived with him he did not let me leave the house at all.So, I want to end it. But it will be hard. First becasue I am attached to him and two, because I don't think he will give up. He is really attached to me.How do I handle this. I tried to be really really mean to him and it just hurt him. I tried to act crazy so he would leave me. I keep telling him it is over.I am just afraind that unless he agrees to end it he will show up in my life unexpectedly. Like I said he is intent on marrying me.I lived with him for a year and I left to go home and finish my masters. He wants me to come back.Please help.Mod Note: Titled by Poster
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male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (22 February 2010):
 Yes, do please let us know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. YOu all gave me the backbone I needed. I think Griffo gave the best answer in terms of how to deal with this man. I think he understands his psychology well. I will let you know how it goes.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): Get a restraining order against him.These nutcases end up threatening your life later and blame you for it too.Save your life and be safe.
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male
reader, Griffo +, writes (14 February 2010):
No, don't play mean, and don't ignore him. He'll look for an excuse in that it is just you playing "Hard to get" these are the two worst things a girl can do if she really does not like him. he will just chase you more and more intensly to prove that he loves you.
In this instance because you've already done the "mean" thing, and he probably now takes everything you do as just an obsticale that his love will defy, what you can do is: You could meet up somwhere and have a coffee with the intention you want to get it into his head that after this point, he will never see you again. Let him know that you do not want to be with him nor marry him. and let him know how you feel by the way he keeps chasing you, let him know how unattractive that is, and how it creeps you out and is not a good way to attract a lady. (something along those lines) let him know before you meet, that it will be the last time that you both will see each other. importantly, let him know that although he may feel he wont find another girl that in time he will and he will be thankfull for that he listened to you.
When you do meet up try to make it plesant, dont get into any arguments (this is important because if you argue, it creates a sence of incompletion and he will still linger on) so just have a good long chat about each others life. Then both of you say good bye to each other at the end and go your own ways. Let him know that this is what you want, and that you wish him the best.
He should let go after this because he will be thinking how silly he was and how unattractive it is to do that to a woman. hopfully he wont call again because if he does he'll be thinking "hmmm if i call her shes going to think its unattractive" and he will soon get bored of that and look alse where.
he also needs help and needs to change his mindset. he should spend more time with his friends.
I hope this helps out.
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female
reader, JustMex  +, writes (14 February 2010):
 You don't need him to agree for your relationship to be over. Talk to him face to face when you can, and explain calmly that you think it's not working and why. If you don't want to hurt his feelings then you could lie about why you're ending it but it wouldn't help him. He'd just keep questioning it. He sounds way too controlling and as you clearly don't like that it's best to get out now before he wants to get any more serious. Time would make him more controlling, not less. When you've told you don't want to be with him, make it clear that he can't act like you're still a couple because to you you're not and he will have to accept that sooner or later. Also don't give in and say that you'll stay with him just because you feel guilty, because that won't be of any benefit for either of you. You'd be with him for the wrong reasons and you'll remain unhappy. If he doesn't leave you alone and starts to act stalkerish then threaten to have a restraining order against him, if he continues then act on that threat because it would be the only way for him to give up and accept that you're over and his behaviour isn't/wouldn't be normal. I hope it doesn't come to that but some men do this when they feel like they need to stay in control and can't let go. Good luck and keep us updated on how it goes.
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female
reader, Gridrebel  +, writes (14 February 2010):
 First of all, you need to be stronger and more assertive. Do not move back in with him, that would be leading him on. Also, have you considered counseling or some sort of outside intervention? If you are sure you don't want to be with him, then don't give him flimsy excuses, you need to tell him that you don't feel comfortable being with him anymore. Let him know you have been feeling this way for some time. If he is as persistent as you claim, he will want to know why, why, why. You'll have to figure out exactly what to say to him. Sometimes it is easier to write it down. Dear John letters suck but at the same time, they express how you feel without letting arguing get in the way. The fact he is this controlling, jealous, insecure and untrusting is not good. This behavior should be throwing all kinds of red flags as he could become dangerous.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): i think the best way to have this under control is to talk to him deeply...let him know that you're not being happy with the way he handles your relationship..such as beeing held too much...talk to him as if you were giving an advice sincerely just to make it sure that he would listen..take time to have that done, meaning get into conversation where he doesnt expects that...man tends to listen to...& let him know as well why you dont like being held too much...i hope that helps..just passing by & saw this question..
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male
reader, SophysticatedAss  +, writes (14 February 2010):
I understand. There have been many friends of mine who have gone through this. Although it might be hard for him, he needs to be able to let you go. What love does he show you if he doesn't care about what you want- or need? One alternative is to tell him that you need a break. Abstain from major contact for about a month or 2 - as long as you see fit. If you realise that maybe he is what you want, then you can give him another chance. But if he keeps persisting when you do not reciprocate, then its time for alternative 2 - Family.
If you have a brother or a sister or some close friends, ask them to help you. I've had friends who've had obsessive boyfriends, and us as friends really supported her and protected her from him. Maybe - as a last resort - get your friends and family to protect you from him. A man obsessed with sex and porn isn't the best man to be with. I wish you good luck with what you decide. I hope that he does let you go, and that you both will be able to move on.
P.S.: heck, no harm hiring a bodyguard ;)
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