A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've grown apart from my girlfriend of 15 months and need a very gentle way to break up with her over a period of time. I don't want her to get really upset as she used to self-harm
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female
reader, pku2319  +, writes (24 March 2008):
There IS no gentle way to break the news of a break-up. I wouldn't say the let's be/remain friends unless you really mean it. Be considerate. Let her say what she feels she needs to say. Telling her she doesn't need to hurt herself will probably seem fake coming from you. It will probably be perceived as trying to absolve yourself of guilt. Be considerate.
I would make sure to convey your worries to one or two people who are really close to her. You can't control whether she hurts herself again or not. You will have to live with the knowledge if she does. The only thing you can really do is make sure her support group (this should not include you) is aware.
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (21 March 2008):
 dont be drawn in by manipulative shit about self harm, as this will encourage her to carry out these unhelpfull (possibly attention seeking)practices. state your case and say it is you, that you dont feel the same, that you have grown apart from the relationship (always label the relationship the problem not her) and that you want it to end. allow for some tears on her part be dignified, and leave (cauterise) say that you will remain friends but resist urges for contact from either party for about two months and let the wounds heal before any atempt to become friends is made.
do not drag it out for a long time as this offers false hope and greater pain to her in the long run. it is a shitty way of breaking someones heart.
going back to an ex every two minutes to stay friends and help them is bad as i doesn't let them heal and its like sticking a knife into a wound that the knife caused and undoing the stiches. this possible behaviour you want to avoid results from apeasing your guilty ego and is very nasty.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): Yeah if you mention self-harm worries you, you still want to be great friends and look after her for about a month. Just do it softly.
Alternativley you could try and get her to break up with you, but that's something I wouldn't suggest, unless a last ditch attempt.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (20 March 2008):
 Its not going to be easy whatever way you do it but you can try and soften the blow. I would try and avoid making her the problem; by that I mean you should talk about how you feel so it is about you. Tell her you feel like you have drifted away and it is nothing to do with her and isnt her fault.
Do it to her face not over the phone or email. If you want you can offer her some solace and offer to be her friend but there is the chance that that will do more harm than good; its up to you. Tell her that you still care about her but that you dont feel like a relationship between you is working and that you think you would be better ending it.
Be prepared for her to be very upset but dont waiver because in the end if you give her hope then it will be worse in the long run. If she is taking it really badly and you can maybe you can enlist the help of her friends. Good luck :).
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 March 2008):
 how are you going to do this without her being upset? Personally I would tell her that her self harm worries me, and that i can't be with someone who would treat themselves that way. I'd ask her why she feels as if she needs to hurt herself, and ask if you can point her in a direction to seek help.
This is a very difficult question, put yourself in her shoes and think about how you would end it with yourself.
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A
female
reader, Emmy-Lou +, writes (20 March 2008):
 There is no easy way of breaking up with anyone, no matter what their problems are.
Depending on how long ago she used to do it, it shouldn't really be an issue.
I used to self harm about 2 years ago and have a lot of terrible relationships since then but I've grown to realise that covering myself in scars is not helping me in anyway!
Sit her down and explain that you feel the relationship doesn't seem to be going in the right direction. But let her know that your there if she needs to and try and make her understand that she doesn't need to harm herself to get through the pain.
Hope this helps and good luck.
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