A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:First of all, this is not a love relationship question. It's purely about friendship (same sex).There's this person I know since my school days. After graduating, we stayed in touch. In the first decade or so, we wrote to each other just a few times a year, filling one another in about the major events in our lives (i.e. studies, work) but not the minute details.After that first decade or so, my friend no longer wanted to share anything about her life. However, she didn't want to end ties altogether, and so she greets me on my birthday every year and I do the same on hers. During such "contacts", there's not a word about our lives. I can sense that she doesn't want to extend that "contact" into anything more and that's why, she doesn't want to touch on anything at all that may prolong that contact. I totally understand that, since our paths don't cross anymore, she may have things in her life that she doesn't want to share, and I'm perfectly fine with that. However, I do find the once-in-a-year "contact" rather meaningless. It's like "Hi, happy birthday. Bye.". So, I've always wondered to myself if there's any point in all this. To be honest, some years, I do wish she'll just stop greeting me. We've drifted apart, so is there any point in going on like this? I just don't want to be the first person to stop the greetings because, well, it's impolite not to greet someone back when they've done that for you. But seriously, I find it meaningless. What do you think? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2020): You want it to fizzle out so you make sure it fizzles out. You make it sound as if she calls all the shots and you have to obey. I agree with you, I would also think it is not worth the bother. I would NOT REPLY. Or reply just that once with a little comment about wishing her well but not writing in the future and politely and tactfully say why if you wish.
You talk about it as if it is a big deal. It is a choice. You do contact her or or you do not do - end of.
The truth is that you wanted it to be more and wanted to hear from her more and get the friendship underway more and are disappointed that did not happen - fair enough,I would feel the same way. But do not cut off your nose to spite your face if you stop the contact.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 August 2020):
 I'm with Cindy.
This doesn't have to be a big deal. Either don't reply, or suggest to her that there is not real point to continuing, or just take that 30 second and reply ONCE a year.
I have a couple of people that sends birthday greeting every year but we don't talk and haven't talked.. for maybe? 12-15 years? And you know what I always reply with a thank you and remember their birthdays too. If I didn't want to I'd just be honest with them but I think it's just nice to hear they are OK. Even if they are no longer a vital part of my life, or me in theirs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2020): I've lost contact with a dear friend of mine. We used to be really close. We've known each other since we were 15.I was even her best "man" at the wedding. Anyway, she moved to another country and we stayed in touch,e mailing back and forth... and then, about 6 years ago, she stopped writing back. I'm not a FB user and she's very active there. Most of my friends are. I just don't like FB. I never sent her an email asking what was wrong, I just accepted her silence. We even stopped wishing each other happy birthday, holidays...I'm not angry or sad. That's life. Sometimes people just drift apart. If he ever needs something, I would be there, but it seems that our lives are so different. You could stay polite and continue this once a year thing or you could do what my friend did. Just stop.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 August 2020):
 If you don't want to bother - don't bother then. Don't greet her back. She may feel as relieved as you'll feel or more , as another poster suggests ( old habits are hard to die and probably this is why she keeps contacting you once a year.
Or , worst case scenario, she °will° think that you are impolite. You can surely live with that, can't you ?... Considering that you are not going to see her and / or talk to her ever more !, even if she thinks you did not act
" properly " it won't affect you at all in practice,- and I am sure you can survive with the " guilt ".
OTH, though, I can't quite see what's the big deal in dropping her a greeting once a year . Whether it is meaningful or not. She writes you : Hi, happy birthday, bye " . And you answer back " Hi, thank you, likewise ".
How long does it take to do that ? all of 30 seconds ??
In the off chance that your ( ex ) friend actually appreciates getting her messages answered by you , for whatever reasons of hers... all that you have to sacrifice is 30 seconds of your time once a year for the sake of your old friendship. It's not that terrible, I think.
Anyway, it 's totally up to you. If you do not feel comfortable in keeping in touch with this person, no matter how sporadically... then just cut contacts. You are not obliged to keep around for the rest of your life all the acquaintances you ever made.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (21 August 2020):
 I wonder if she is thinking the same. I also wonder why you think it would be "impolite" to end something you see as "meaningless". You don't need anyone else's permission or approval to end this contact if it's what you want to do. It takes two to play this. Stop playing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2020): If you want to reignite the friendship then suggest to meet up. If not, then dont bother sending a message on her birthday and forget about her. I have some friends who I dont see sometimes for years at a time but when we meet up it's like nothing has changed at all. I guess you have to decide of this friendship still means anything to you or not
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2020): I'm not sure what your true problem is here? If she only contacts you once a year; then just assume the friendship isn't as tight as you think it should be. It is what it is! If you don't like her annual-greeting, then just ignore it! Sometimes people we've known growing-up will grow-up and grow-distance. It's their prerogative.
Most of us had college classmates and old high-school buddies that we promised we'd always keep in-touch, no matter what.
Life happens! People don't share the same sentiments. Values change. You may no longer meet the criteria or character of what she considers a good-friend. Time and distance has much to do with it.
What we used to freely share and exchange will eventually become none of our business. Your once closer-friend prefers a more casual and less intimate connection with you. That's her right. You get to choose your friends, and set your own boundaries as well.
If you wish she would stop, you have two options. Ignore her greetings; or ask her to stop sending them.
You're only annoyed, because you want to be. She is becoming a more private-person; and because you no longer cross-paths, she still extends the courtesy of a greeting from time to time. No big deal! I get calls, letters, emails, and cards from people I haven't seen in years. It's nice to know they're okay; and if they never bother to send another greeting, I'm fine with that. We'll reminisce and talk about the good-ole-days someday when fate should cross our paths again. Such is life.
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