A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone could really do with some advice. So my ex who I was with 4 years and have a child with, we split up this time last year but I have tried constantly in that time to get us back together for the sake of our family. He moved back in during lockdown and although he said it was just as coparent friends basis we still slept with each other and did family things. Then I noticed that he seemed to be messaging alot on his phone and I noticed that a girl I dont know was snooping on my social media pages. I asked him about her and he said he dated her once but finished as he didnt want anything serious. He said she was probably stalking my page because she was jealous. It caused us to row and he moved out. I tried still to get back with him but he kept saying no he didnt want a girlfriend at all. Anyway, now I find that he has actually started a relationship with that girl and is flaunting it all over facebooK. Ive tried to ask him about this and whether he was actually seeing her through lockdown like I suspected but he told me to mind my own business and only contact regarding our child. Im absolutely devastated I cant even function. I feel stupid for allowing him to walk all over for me for the past year and i tried so hard to get us back together and in the end he just goes off with someone else. I feel like I cant get through this. I cant eat or do anything. Im literally broken. Hes only been with her 5 weeks and has already taken her away on holiday. The thing Im struggling with is having to see him for handover and eventually allowing my son to meet her and spend time with her and her children as a family, the one thing I only ever wanted to do with him. That thought alone makes me feel sick to my stomach. Please can someone help me with these feelings that are overwhelming me. Im just sat here I cant do anything but cry. Im 34 and hes 40.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2020): You want to stop feeling the way you do?Stop feeding the feelings. If you think only about nice things and "how nice it would be if...", you will suffer because you're feeding a fantasy.Nip these thoughts in the bud and nurture realistic approach. You had some good times and you have a kid together, BUT he left you, used you and lied to you. You realize that? That's reality.I'm sorry if you are hurt by me oversimplifying things, but that's the essence everything else is interpretation and make up.He slept with you fully knowing that he wanted nothing to do with you. And he knew that he was stringing you along, while he was in a relationship or planing on being with this other woman.You need to accept the reality. He's you're son's father and he has rights AND obligations. If he's not fulfilling the latter you (and your lawyer) can see that he has less and less of the former.That's the reality of a split-up.I hope that you're are not still so hung up on him that you're using your kid as the last connection to your ex. So I'll repeat, if he's not being a father (obligations an responsibilities) he cannot have a son when it's convenient for him, when he wants him to meet his new family.Focus on yourself. As Honeypie said - set goals. Think about yourself and your son, not yoru ex.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 August 2020):
 I know it's hard but you HAVE to accept that it is over. Having a child with someone doesn't mean they will STAY with you and BE with you forever.
You had a guy who didn't even BOTHER to propose when you got pregnant. Because he wanted to leave EASILY if things didn't work out. And guess what? It didn't and he walked.
YOU DIDN'T listen to what he said when he stayed with you over quarantine. YOU WANTED this to be a continuation of your relationship HE TOLD you :" it was just as coparent friends basis". Sleeping with you was just an added bonus for him. Playing house with you was also an added bonus. My guess is, if you had TOLD him no sex, no cuddling but you can stay so little-man gets to see his dad every day... he wouldn't have stayed with you. YES, he JUST used you.
HAVING SEX with you doesn't mean that HE wanted to rekindle anything, or BE a little family. It just mean that he had a warm body (you) and got sex.
THEN you find out he has been talk (probably even dating/seeing) someone else. You get mad (obviously) and kick him out. He is totally fine with this, because he wasn't SERIOUS about you anyways. AND he already had a back up, YOUR replacement.
Yes, you brought this on yourself. Because you REFUSED to listen to what he told you. You wanted this to "work out" HE didn't. You made the presumption that staying with you, having sex with you, playing family with you meant HE must not be serious when he said:" it was just as coparent friends basis " he MUST want to BE with us. But no. He just saw an opportunity to have sex on tap, a place to stay and see his kid.
A person's WORD AND ACTIONS needs to match. His didn't, so you went with his actions alone. Because THAT is what YOU wanted.
I'm not bashing you here, I'm pointing out the obvious. He used you.
So what to do now?
Well, you have a little guy to raise and take care of. That should BE your #1 priority. If the two of them work out then YES she will be introduced to her and he will have another adult person in his life. That doesn't HAVE to be a bad thing. At least not for your son.
Accept that it's OVER. Do not call about anything that isn't about your shared child. It's NOT LONGER any of your business.
It hurts to feel like you got dumped (in a sense) twice. When you IGNORE red flags, when you get ahead of yourself in what YOU want and need and then try and FORCE that to happen it RARELY works out.
If you have a hard time with the hand over, ask a friend to be there and do it for you. At least until you are feel strong enough to do it yourself.
You had a child with someone who DIDN'T WANT to have a family with you. He is 40 and still "looking" for that "perfect girl". I doubt very much that he will find her. Unless... this new girl isn't going to let him walk all over her.
LEARN from this. If a guy can knock you up, but doesn't think to MARRY you, he really isn't invested in you. I know, I know LOADS of people don't get married.... and what does that cause? A LOT of single parents. Mothers with kids from different fathers, kids growing up with a revolving door of adults their parents date. Half siblings and blended semi families that doesn't last.
Dry your eyes honey, you are wasting your tears on this guy.
Focus on what IS important, your son AND you. And the life you CAN build for him. BE that IMPORTANT and strong female role-model he NEEDS in his life.
Make sure you GET child support/ child maintenance.
Make sure you set goals (personal goals, not just relationship ones) for yourself. Achieve those goals.
I know holidays is a big thing in English culture/lifestyle. But them going on holiday doesn't mean squat. To you. It doesn't mean they will work out, it doesn't mean they won't. It doesn't mean she is somehow "better" than you.
He lied to you. He used you.
WANT better and more from the next guy. For now though, focus on what is important. Raising your son and living the life YOU want to build on. Sitting crying is OK right now, but you need to remember that feeling sorry for yourself will do NOTHING to building the life you want.
Take this time to reflect. On why thins relationship really didn't work. And what NOt to do next time. What to look for in a partner, what NOT to accept. What you can offer.
Life is too short to cry over spilled milk. HE is spilled milk. No more, no less.
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