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female
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anonymous
writes: Please help - I really need an outsiders objective! I am 23 and have been with my boyfriend (29) for 5 years. We used to have a brilliant relationship - I used to feel so loved and safe and like nothing could come between us. How wrong was I!! Our problems began about a 1 and a half years ago when we became friendly with a couple we met in our local. Their relationship was extremely destructive and this soon began to impact on our relationship. They were constantly dragging us into their problems and I tried to keep out of it but my boyfriend was always interfering and basically (not maliciously) causing even more trouble between them. I finally got fed up around Christmas when I started to become suspicious of this girl's motives towards my boyfriend. She was always commenting to me how she wanted a relationship like ours, yet she'd try to encourage me to leave my partner. I moved out briefly before Christmas after money problems caused by him being generally irresponsible and also crashing our car a week after I'd purchased it. During this time she, who was supposed to be a good friend of mine, strongly encouraged me to leave him permanently telling me he was a loser - yet when I returned home, he showed me messages from her telling him she was sure I'd be back, but that she'd always be there for him if I didn't etc. We slowly started to cut them out of our lives, until April when I needed the number of my hairdresser after I lost my mobile. I asked my boyfriend to text her and thought no more of it. Soon after this things began to change between us. He was stayed out regulary at the house of a male work colleague I didn't know and just became really cold towards me. I became suspicious he was seeing someone behind my back. I decided to sneak a look at his phone (which he never let me near) when he was asleep one night and see for myself. I found half naked pictures that this woman had sent him 2 weeks previously. I was so hurt and upset. I confronted them both and he denied anything went on. He claimed they just met up for lunch twice and that the pictures were 'just messing about'. She also denied anything physical going on, but claimed they had met up much more than twice, that he had slagged me off something chronic and she also eventually claimed he had been seeing another woman, something he also denies til he's blue in the face. On the face of it he thinks I've got over this. It's been nearly 3 months since I found the pictures but I just haven't. I still sometimes think I really hate him and I doubt his story all the time. All I can think of is what a liar he is. During the time he was texting and meeting this woman he, very plausibly, told me he thought she was a loser and a cow etc. All the time he was meeting up with her. I've spoken to my family, who want me to ditch him, but my friends know this woman and say she is just a jealous, bitter person. Her relationship ended in February, so this could give her motive for wanting to cause trouble, However, he has played right into her hands and I don't think I can ever forgive him. I know he hasn't 'done anything' but I still feel so angry and full of resentment towards him. Please help!
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female
reader, Delila +, writes (8 September 2005):
In a way I would say that maybe you are in bit of denial. You know you have been betrayed yet you have'nt really gone through the motions. You need to unstick yourself somehow. Give yourself a jolt or else something else will. After you have been through a range of different emotions you will then be at a point where you have your power back and you will have a choice. Either stay with him and let the past be past and learn to trust him again. Or you may decide to leave him and learn to love again.
A
reader, pops +, writes (7 September 2005):
Without trust, no relationship lasts. You have a right to feel betrayed. Are you going to invest time to allow him to prove himself to you again? Can he ever do this given how you now feel about him? Maybe it would be better to end this romance, and find someone who is loyal to you, without questions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2005): Few types of emotional pain sear as painfully and as deeply as that of betrayal by a friend and one's partner. I am sorry this has happened to you but don't allow these this to 'wear you down'.
I realize you are left now wondering whether your relationship can be repaired or just letting it go. You've been burned, betrayed in a way you never deserved. No one deserves that. You want to get even. But you have a choice: you can experience some momentary satisfaction by slamming the door shut in his face, or you can give yourself space and time to cool off and collect your thoughts. Time really does have a way of healing deep hurts.
Time allows forgiveness to wash away anger and keeps you emotionally healthy. Restoring a fractured relationship can give us perspective on our experiences and it can deepen your life if you love him enough to learn to forgive him. So please dear...give yourself time to work this through. Take some much needed 'alone' space and be with friends and family you trust, for awhile. When you are ready, talk openly to your partner and set some some very tough boundries with him. Let him know if this ever happens again..he's out the door. And make him work hard at earning your trust and respect. If you don't feel you can do this...then turn him loose because the inner resentment and bitterness will eat you alive. Good luck and take care
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, missdee +, writes (7 September 2005):
Your first mistake and your boyfriends was getting in a couple's realtionship when it goes bad, that will always lead to disaster one way or another. If put in that situation again just tell the couple that you and your boyfriend would prefer to stay out of it. It might upset them alittle but it will be better in the long run.
I am sure your suspicions toward your friend were right in the beginning. You seen the signs. She was always commenting to me how she wanted a relationship like our, yet she'd try to encourage me to leave my partner. That says she wanted what you had so she needed you to leave. You should have cut all ties with them then.
When you left your boyfriend she made her move on him, he showed you the proof. You done a good thing getting them out of your life but you should have texted her for you hairdressers number yourself. She already showed you that she couldn't be trusted.
You need to open your eyes. You have found half naked pictures of this girl and their stories don't match up. I don't know if I would believe her about another woman. She can't be trusted for any reason.
You boyfriend needs to come clean with you about everything. You will know in your heart when he does. Just like you know now that he hasnt'. You two have 5 years invested together and that's alot to build on but you have to build a relationship on honesty and trust.
You can always listen to your friends and even strangers like me for advice, but when it come to making a decision, you have to make that for yourself. Good Luck.
missdee
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