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female
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*gony over lost love
writes: I am a newlywed of one year and was divorced from my first husband 1 1/2 years ago. My ex and I were together for 13 years and married nine. We have 2 children together and have maintained a very close friendship. The problem is, even though I am married, I think I am still in love with him. We both go back and forth about wanting to get back together. At one point in time, I separated from my husband and my ex and I tried to work things out. Not too long after I moved out of my husband's house, my ex said that his feelings weren't what he thought and he went back to his girlfriend and within a few months they were engaged. What was weird was that I knew everything about their relationship before she did. I knew their plans for the house (that he and I own together). I knew that he was planning to propose and I saw her ring before she did. He and I tell each other everything. AND, it not only took him forever to propose to her, but when he did, I knew in my heart that the actual marriage would never happen. I was right. He left her and, once again, wants me back. I know that I love him but I don't trust him to really cut ties with her and really commit to our family. Plus, I am married. But I'm not completely happy with my husband. I find myself not attracted to my husband and thinking about my ex when I am intimate with him.HELP--should I go back to my ex or let our relationship fizzle into nothing but friendship and work on my marriage? I might need to add that my husband and I have been going to counseling for 6 months. I am a Christian and have always valued the sanctity of marriage and the vows that you make. But for some reason, when it comes to my ex, I am not strong enough to tell him no. I feel responsible for making him happy and taking care of him.
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christian, divorce, engaged, get back together, moved out, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): just go and have a threesome with them, thats what i did and it was awesome, trust me yo will like it!
A
female
reader, Holy Woman +, writes (8 November 2005):
Hello Honey!
I hope it is not too late to post an answer that might help you. I just want to commend you on your honesty in this matter. It is really hard to be honest when dealing with love. And I mean honest with you not us! By just being honest to yourself mean you are really ready for true happiness.
Should you leave? Not yet. Here's the process that I would recommend in your situation: for at least a year, end your friendship with your ex husband. You must be sure that you really are in love with your husband after the divorce and not his in love with his friendship. You know, as women we always do this to ourselves. We are in love with the way a man fulfills one area in our lives and then we think we want to marry him. We then marry him and find out that we truly were fascinated in that ONE area and he does nothing for us in any other area. Think about it, what made you marry your current husband? He did something for you probably in ONE area that made you believe you were in love with him. I believe that this is what is happening between you and your ex husband. I suggest ending this friendship with your ex and only speaking with him in regard to the children.
Secondly, start this same type of friendship with your current spouse. Open up to him and tell him all of your feelings about him and your ex. I KNOW that this seems bold, but it should allow him to feel that he can confide in you. It will establish a trust between the two of you that you have with your ex. Then build your friendship with your husband from there.
I would suggest that you keep this going for 6-12 mos. Then see if you still want to leave him for your ex. I don't think that you will.
You are NOT in love with your ex. You just think that you are because of the gratification that you receive from him through his friendship.
Think about your best friend, if you have one. Or think about a close friend that you did have. Didn't you love them? If you look deeply I am sure that you will find that you love him/her as much as you do your ex. You will find that the feelings are pretty much the same as you have for your ex.
Give your spouse another 6-12 months without the ex in the picture. I believe things will become a lot clearer. You will then know what you need to do without any question or doubt.
Take care and God bless you!
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A
reader, pops +, writes (7 September 2005):
when are you going to be honest to your new husband? Doesn't he deserve every effort on your part to make this marriage work with him? Leave your ex to his gf. Work on your new marriage, and learn from the mistakes you made in the first. Didn't think you made any? Look again. Talk to your new husband. I bet he has some incites to share with you if you will only listen.
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A
female
reader, missdee +, writes (7 September 2005):
You got right out of one marriage into another one and that rarely works. You probably fell for your husband on the rebound. Now since ex is back the feelings you had for him are stirred up again. You didn't say but my guess would be your ex- ended the relationship.
As for your ex if he truly loved you he would not have left you and got engaged to another woman, despite the fact that you knew when he was going to propose etc... that just shows you and your ex are friends and that is great.
You are not responsible for your ex. and as a Christian you are responsible to God to do the right thing by your husband if you are going to try to stay with him. You should love the one you are with and be with the one you love. If you don't feel that way about your husband you don't need to be with him.
Go it alone for awhile. You just might find someone that you truly love and truly loves you back.
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