A
male
age
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*lyde X
writes:aqwsasThe other night at supper I was telling my wife of 32 years about a young lady at work. This woman was telling a story about a friend of hers who worked three jobs and when he came home from work his wife turned their three kids over to him and went out with her friends or went shopping or some other activity outside the house. On weekends, this woman went out and left her husband alone to take care of the kids. My co-worker couldn't understand why her friend put up with this. He had no time to himself, he was either working or taking care of the kids. I told my wife I knew why he accepted his wife's behavior. My wife queried, "Oral sex?" I said, "Close, she swallows." My wife said, "Not that I haven't done that before, but that's disgusting." I said, "Well, you haven't done that for me." I got this deer in the headlights look. My wife looked down at her plate and mumbled, "Yes I have." I said, "Look, I would remember that. It's nice to know that an activity you used to enjoy with other men you find disgusting with me." I love this woman madly but I can't get this incident out of my head. I tried to talk to her about it but, a) there really isn't anything she could say that would make me feel any better and b) she said she never wants to talk about it again. As I said, I still love her after 32 years of marriage so leaving her would be worse than staying with her. I can't really enjoy sex with her anymore because her comment keeps running through my head. I know it was a long time ago - at least I hope it was a long time ago - I'm not really sure about anything anymore. I have prayed about this and can get no relief. I am pretty sure there is nothing anyone can say that will make me feel better but it's worth a shot. Any advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): This WOULD bother lots of men. Not because of the sexual thing itself so much as the principle. No man ever wants to feel like their woman is unwilling to go as far sexually with them as with previous lovers. There is nothing depraved, sick, evil, or woman-hating about this. Women feel the same way on things that matter to them, it is just not as likely to be something in the bedroom. What about how willing a man is to spend money on them? What about his efforts to be romantic? If a woman has always wished her man would be willing to do something along these lines for her, don't tell me that she would not be very hurt to discover that he used to do it for previous women. It would bother her a lot and that does not make her "horrible, manipulative, jealous, insecure, and needing professional help".
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): I think the way you should view this depends a lot on what kind of circumstances the whole thing has then and now. One the one hand:If you have always wanted her to do that and she has refused? And she has said or implied to you that she would never do that with anyone? And you discover that she used to do it regularly with other lovers? Yes, go ahead and get pissed off. That is deception on her part if nothing else. She has the right to choose what she wants to do in the bedroom, but its not fair to tell lies about herself to leverage the compromises in whatever direction she wants. In that case I thinks fair for you to feel deceived and not treated equally to other guys in the past. Or. .If this topic has never really been talked out in the past? And it turns out she just tried it a few times before you and didn't like it? In that case I think you should be trying to get over and chill out. She didn't rank you less worthy than the other guys. She just met you later. What if she had been dating you when she first tried it, and then she later went on to marry one of those other guys? Then it would have been him who she spent 32 years never doing it for, and he might have eventually gotten hurt at finding out about her doing it for you a couple times decades ago.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 September 2013):
 she never said she enjoyed it with other men... she said it was disgusting.... does not mean she did not TRY it before...
you made an assumption that was incorrect.
if you are unable after 32 years of marriage to get over this you have these choices:
1. get therapy to try to get over it
2. leave your devoted loving wife of 32 years due to some weird feelings you have about something she did before she was with you
3. shut up, suck it up and stay where you are but you must NEVER harp on this with your wife.
Personally a man of your age was discussing sexual activity with a young female co-worker indicates that you lack appropriate boundaries.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2013):
 You wife might find swallowing/blow-jobs disgusting. So what? MANY women (and quite a few men are not fans of oral sex and what comes with it. It's a personal preference.
But I think her comment was the fact that the wife (in the story) had to TRADE blow-jobs with her husband in order to have some grown up me time. That IS disgusting. I can't see why ANY man would have to be "paid" in trade in order to spend time with the KIDS he helped bring into the world.
YOU on the other hand are blowing this so far out of proportions that it's not even funny.
And I agree with Tisha - how appropriate is this conversation with a female coworker? I can only imagine how nuts YOUR imagination would go if you wife had told you the story after having talked to a MALE coworker.
32 years of marriage and NOW you gripe about not having her swallow? Seriously?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 What do you need advice on ?!
She tried something once, maybe a couple of times, she found it disgusting , she decided not to do it anymore ,end of story. Experience. Trial and error.
That's how sex works, haven't you noticed yet ? you try something, a position etc., then you say " wow fantastic, that works for me, I'll do it again "or else " no this I hate it, so I know not to do it anymore ".
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): This problem begins and ends with you. So one thing you should do is stop taking this problem to your wife and putting her on the spot.If this really is such a huge problem for you hen you should leave her rather than making both of you miserable.And to be honest I did enjoy oral sex much more with other partners than with my husband. The reason is because I enjoyed sex in general a lot more with previous partners than my husband as he would get bossy and demanding and pressuring during sex which is off putting. However I love my husband and am committed to him so I have sex with him to make him happy and fulfill his needs even though to be honest it isn't that enjoyable to me. It isn't "bad " it just isn't the best I have had that's all. That's just a fact, not a value judgment.So you have to just come to terms that yes your wife enjoyed oral sex more with other men. If it is a fact then it is a fact. She isn't trying to hurt you, thats just the way things are. The significance of that is up to you and depends on your negative self talk. It is also possible that your wife found oral sex equally disgusting just that she had to do it (with her previous partners) first in order to find that out. Once she found out why she didn't like it why would she want to do it with anyone else including you?
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (27 September 2013):
I feel your pain. My wife stopped swallowing years ago and I miss it. Sadly we can't always get what we want -- not in marriage, not in life. There isn't any rule that says that something a woman did with one guy is something she has to do with every other guy. My advice -- drop the subject. Perhaps she didn't know it was important to you before, but she certainly does now. Maybe after things have cooled off she'll surprise you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): OP you have seriously over-reacted here. I know 2 women who could be your wife, they tried it once and never again. Maybe you could have made her do it with you but possibly the reason she is still having sex with you after 32 years is the fact that she doesnt have to do things she doesnt like. You are lucky your wife didnt try half the things mine did or you would be a total wreck! Now make love to your wife and enjoy your life!
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 September 2013):
Sometimes it takes trying something to realize you don't like it, so don't twist this into her being disgusted by you; it was the other guy who was disgusting.
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male
reader, GentleGiant  +, writes (27 September 2013):
Sure she does not want to talk about it now, what some thirty -two years later? This is going to bother you and you have to figure a away out in finding why she resents oral sex now and it appears, correct me if i am wrong you might like to have your cigar sucked on once in a a while no? I have been with a great woman for over four years now and let me tell you we discuss sex weekly and sometimes daily. I am at a point now where i know what she likes to get when it involves intimacy and sex. I know she has her fears and apprehensions about oral sex but she loves to receive it and many times i am the big giver and i receive a little back but i do not keep score. Other times i get absolute attention and feel fantastic and she doesn't want much. But it really is a question of comprise and understanding and sometimes not expecting something be done to you that your girlfriend or wife have fears and apprehensions about. But you have to communicate and realize and be compassionate and understanding. What you may see on a porn site is not normal behavior in real life. So correct me if i am wrong, your wife had no problem with giving oral sex to previous suitors but when it came to you no way? Why in the hell did you wait over thirty years to address the problem? Your a real saint or i do not know what to say. You had thirty years to address the issue now find out that she gave oral sex? Its almost too little too late for you. Asking her now may give you answers you may not like. So think about that before you force your hand. What happens when she tells you she had oral with quite a few partners and many sex partners. Now will your view of your wife change? Why should it you lived with it for thirty years. Now you want her to give you oral only after finding out she gave it before she married you? No sorry you say you resent her because of it? Really? Where have you been getting oral for the last thirty years? Sorry, i didn't mean to probe. I know now and i realize you are frustrated. Discussing previous relationships was difficult for me but i had that heart to heart talk about two years into my relationship when my girlfriend believed i had many sexual partners because of how good i was in bed. She kept nagging me and because i loved her i told her about my sex past and partners. It was one of the hardest things i had to do. It was not horrible other than after being intimate with someone you love it isnt really easy to discuss the past. Nothing bad or horrible and she seemed alright with it but i kept asking her about that for the next week to make sure. It worked out okay but one day after classes and coming home she was waiting for me and had dinner made. This usually means its going to be a intimate evening. We have our cues and messages we send to each other. She said she had decided she wanted to tell about her past. And i have told her before i don't want to know and we had talked about this for almost two years weekly. But she was determined. So i had to reveal my hand. I told i would listen to it but it would be in front of psychologist and after the reveal i told her i didn't know what would happen to our relationship. I told her i couldn't emotionally handle it and would fall apart. It worked out in the end because she understood it was about now not the past but also a respect and understanding that i couldn't emotionally deal with the issue. I am telling you that you may force your hand and if you resent your wife now and you get her to open up about the past you may be emotionally shocked and possibly your marriage of 32 years plus could and probably would go down the drain. I don't know what you have been doing for oral sex the past thirty two years but just maybe it might be best to let sleeping dogs lay. Let it go and think if you found out your wife was the town bicycle before and did a lot of guys how would you now react because i believe this confrontation will ultimately lead there and like most men it isn't going to be pretty. You have limited options unless you have a woman waiting for you somewhere else to give you what you want and need. I don't know you didn't say. But if you did and she was smoking your cigar i would not beat you up over it. You just got to find out about your wife and see if you cant live with her past or just walk out of your marriage. Good-luck.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 September 2013):
 Obviously you resent your wife for not giving you oral sex, but how you made the leap to her "enjoying" it with other men seems to be a bit of stretch. You've been married for 32 years and ONE conversation in which neither of you seems to be understanding what the other was implying has you this despondent?
You had an intimate conversation with a woman at work about oral sex? That's pretty over the top and I wonder if what your wife found gross what the fact you found this an acceptable topic.
I think you owe your wife an apology.
Either accept your wife the way she has been for 32 years or let her go. You owe her the chance for full acceptance, if you can't give that to her then man up and go find the oral sex that seems to be your focus.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): I think the fact your wife said it disgusts her it makes all the difference here.It would be much different if she said she liked doing it with previous partners, but she didn't. She's disgusted by it. Its not a case of her being disgusted at the thought of doing it with you, it sounds like she doesn't like it full stop. So no matter what the reason, she shouldn't have to do it for you to even the score. Nor should you want her to. She doesn't owe you anything.Consider this - imagine if she asked you to go out to eat a certain type of food. You said no because you tried it before with your ex and you hated it. Now imagine she got mad at you for that, saying that if you were willing to go with your ex you should go with her too. Can you see that the two have nothing to do with each other? Would you not hope that your wife would respect your bad experience and not make your dislike of it all about her? This is basically the same. The fact it's about sex is clouding your judgement, but it's the same principle. It's nothing to do with your relationship with your wife, all you need to do is respect the fact she doesn't like it.Please also consider the fact that she could easily have done it previously without meaning to. Some (very inconsiderate) guys don't warn their partners leaving you with no choice but to swallow. So I myself have swallowed but I don't like it at all and would never willingly do it. I can guarantee you I love my current boyfriend way more than I ever did the guy that did that to me, but I don't feel I owe my boyfriend anything because of it. He respects the fact I dislike it and that's all that matters to him.This is NOT worth ending a happy marriage of 32 years. Please stop turning this into a reflection of you, and accept that your wife experienced something in her past that she didn't like and would rather not do again.PS - someone who is staying in a crappy relationship purely because their partner swallows is certainly not normal
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (27 September 2013):
 I think any man would rather be you than be bribed to become a slave in the house. I swallow, but life has not treated me fair.
I think your wife said disgusting because she had to visualize her friend doing it, and that she is using swallowing as a currency as exchange for housework and free time with girlfriends. When love becomes a bargain, it is ugly.
If she has not done swallowing that's because she doesn't find it enjoyable anymore. She probably regretted doing it when she looked back in life and felt degraded by men who didn't really care about her.
Some people feel that naughty dirty sex act is not compatible with marriage. The ick factor comes in when that person is your husband and you have to kiss the children afterwards.
It was just an innocent conversation about a friend at work. I doubt it was really about oral sex other than the fact that the young wife got that old man wrapped around her finger and he was too wussy to complain. Oral sex is your fixation and it would easily pop up in any conversation if you are not careful. Your wife does not want to talk about it so you have to help her not to create unpleasantness. It's true she queried oral sex, doesn't mean she wants to continue on the subject but just to let you know she knows, there you go again.
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