A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help!!!!I have been married for 8 years, six of which have been void of intimacy. My husband can't even hold my hand or give me a hug!!! We have had sex once in six years !!!!!!!!!!! We have had counselling which has in no way helped.I have a 5 year old daughter who he adores and lavishes her with all the affection she needs.I am at my wits end and now I must leave. I have no self esteeme and feel mentally and physically unwell. This is my second marriage, during the first I was verbally abused on a daily basis and now feel I can never trust a man again, but on the other hand I crave love and affection.Does anyone have any advice and hugs!!!!!!!!!!!
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male
reader, InterCntlCHmp  +, writes (24 March 2009):
Everyone's life gets turned upside down at some point. Divorce, abuse, death etc... these things happen.
Thing is you're not happy and if you continue in your unhappy relationship it's possible that that will rub off on your daughter and she could grow up and think it's perfectly acceptable to spend time with a man who is too selfish (your man may be nice but he is being completely selfish)
Good luck either way.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): We had a good relationship before marriage and for the first 18 months. I became pregnant(which was planned) and has only initiated sex once since. I know he would not like me to initate. We went to a counsellor who asked him to hold my hand. He felt paniced and pulled away. The fustrating thing is that he won't admit the problem and is now blaming for the situation on me as I am withdrawn and suffering depression. It is so annoying as he is a nice person deep down but all I feel now is anger towards him.I know i must leave. I just feel for my little girl whose life is going to be turned upside down!!!!
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A
male
reader, InterCntlCHmp +, writes (23 March 2009):
Was he intimate when your where dating??? Is this really new behavior? Maybe he is sexually submissive and wants you to force him into sex. Maybe he's gay. Maybe he's cheating with another woman. You have to talk to him. Not us. Explain what you need and make him explain his position honestly. Your choices are get another man & stay with your husband or get another man & break up with your husband.
One thing for sure is that you cannot continue to go on like this. Your probably going to be sexual for another 20 odd years. In your current situation that's a prison sentence. Don't do that to yourself. Time is non refundable.
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A
male
reader, previasc96  +, writes (23 March 2009):
Did you have pre-marital counciling? YOur husband is a total fairy! He just used you to have a child. He probably sleeps with men behind your back.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (23 March 2009):
 The reason I asked about his sexuality is because I know someone, a drop dead gorgeous woman and of a very good reputable profession, who discovered that her husband of 15 years was gay. They have 3 children, and she only had sex three times during their marriage. Like your husband, he was a wonderful father to his children, but unlike your husband, he was psychologically abusive to his wife.
She filed for divorce and has full custody of the children. And yes, for her, luckily, life did start at 40! She is happily married with a new kind and heterosexual husband.
So, whatever reasons your husband has for not providing the intimacy that you rightly need and want, if he is unable to provide it to you then it is up to you whether you need to stay or be independent again. He will still be the father of your daughter, and I believe he will still adore and love her as well, even when you are divorced.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for your reply Cat.
We have been to counselling, they seemed to draw a blank and couldn't get to the route cause of his problem.
He won't talk about the matter any more as he says it will lead to an arguement. In his words "we are, where we are".
He is not having an affair and is able to function. I am still quite attractive even though I have turned 40!!!!
To make matters worse, we are currently in temporary accommodation at the moment having had our house flooded in January. We could be here for some time which makes separating impossible for the time being.
I thought life was supposed to begin at 40, fat chance !!!!
Take care
Liza
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for your reply Cat.
We have been to counselling, they seemed to draw a blank and couldn't get to the route cause of his problem.
He won't talk about the matter any more as he says it will lead to an arguement. In his words "we are, where we are".
He is not having an affair and is able to function. I am still quite attractive even though I have turned 40!!!!
To make matters worse, we are currently in temporary accommodation at the moment having had our house flooded in January. We could be here for some time which makes separating impossible for the time being.
I thought life was supposed to begin at 40, fat chance !!!!
Take care
Liza
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 March 2009):
 Like Cat said you need to have a talk with him, tell him what you NEED from him.Though if the two of you already did counseling he should already know.
One thing I have learned after 10 years of marriage is that sometimes if you want something from your partner start giving it to them, makes them realize and return the favor.
What is his reason for not having sex? Does he turn you down if you initiate? If you walk over and give him a hug does he back away?
For most intimacy is a big thing in a marriage, otherwise you might as well be room mates.
Tell him & show him. If that doesn't work them maybe you need to think of your own happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): *hugs*honey i'm so sorry to hear that both your marriages have been failures but you're still young and you have your whole life ahead of you!it appears that your husband is giving all of his affection to your daughter and is neglecting you completely.given the fact that you've even had counselling,hoping it would help,i take it this is something you've discussed so he already knows that your marriage has problems.you definitely have a bad history with men,but not all of them are like that and i'm sure that there's someone out there who can love you the way you deserve and give you everything you need.of course you still crave love,who doesn't?it's human nature,we all want to be loved and taken care of but your husband is negleting you completely.i think you should try to talk to him about how your marriage is falling apart,how he doesn't satisfy your needs,and see if there's anything you can do to improve the situation.if nothing works,then,for your sake,sweetie,you should get a divorce.don't settle for a troubled marriage that isn't giving you anything but taking everything from you.you deserve so much better than that!
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (23 March 2009):
Have you had a heart to heart and honest to God talk, about his sexual preference? Unless he has a chronic ED problem, it sounds like his sexual preferrence may not be like what you had thought it would be.
Him being a good father to your daughter, and a good friend to you basically means he is a good person. But not providing you the intimacy that you need from him as your lover means that there is something else there.
Whether you leave him because your needs are unfulfilled or you stay because he is a good father to your daughter, you still need to have a "peace of mind" on why there has only been sex once in 6 years.
You may have a low self esteem because you feel unwanted, unattractive. But, if his sexual preference turns out to be so different than your expectation (or your understanding of him), it may just turn out that it is not about you but more it is about him.
If necessary, you may need to go to a couple's counselling just to make sure that you will be able to discuss the issue with "cool heads". If he actually has problems on his sexuality, he may also be "suffering" just as much as you do - but kept quiet for various reasons.
Good luck, and I hope you find your happiness and well being again soon!
Cat
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