A
male
age
36-40,
*ombatsotre
writes:How would you feel if you found out the women you love had slept with 7 guys before you, but... 6 of them were one night stands in the space of 2 years, and no protection was used? What does that say about the women you love and who she used to be? Its not coming to terms with her past actions thats hard, but... she shows no regret, guilt or remorse and doesn't see anything wrong with her past actions. She laughs and thinks its funny she has taken the morning after pill 6 times, and used to boast it was 6 different nationalities in 6 different countries. I can to an extent get over the fact she behaved too promiscuous and "easy" in the past, but i cant get over the fact she still maintains its nothing to be ashamed of. I am no saint, but when I had a one night stand I felt terribly guilty and ashamed, but she seems to think it was all ok. It hurts me deeply and unfortunately I have implied before now that she acted like a "slag" on those occasions ( I feel terrible about saying it), but she insists that she did not go about ending up in bed with them in a slaggish way. I see no difference, the end out come was the same, 6 strangers, 6 one night stands and never a condom was used.I find it so difficult to deal with and get over. She is my perfect princess. Elegant, beautiful and lady like, but the way I know her now doesn't add up to how she has behaved previously. I could get over it, if she told me she wished she hadn't done those things, or she knows it was wrong, or that she was in a bad place and just needed to be wanted and desired and loved, but she doesn't, she shrugs her shoulders and acts as if its no big deal.I need advice. Firstly weather or not I actually know who she really is, second of all what her attitude says about her. I also need opinions on weather she just pretends it was ok and not easy of her to have 6 one night stands, to make her self feel better? Or does she genuinely think hoping into bed with randomers was OK?Girls, what does it say to you if a women acts as if it was fine? Are you OK with one night stands? I need help and advice in getting over it. It tears me apart, and even though I bury it most of the time it still surfaces. I have got over my insecurities about them as lovers, because I know Im a great lover, and I know i could forget and forgive her past if only she showed any degree of guilt remorse. Its so hard, because I am angry that my perfect princess had this one blemish that I cant shake out of my head. I wouldn't be bothered if all of those guys were partners, or even if a couple were one night stands, but 6 in a row? She also continued having casual sex with her ex (the first) after they broke up, even though she had no feelings for him and he was a terrible lover.I try talking to her about it, and I have gotten over all of my insecurities about their bedrooms skills, cock size etc., but i still get upset and hurt when she has such a nonchalant attitude.I have read many post about guys who cant get over there gf past, and I feel terribly guilty and like its all my problem. And I do accept its me who needs to deal with this. Please, help me and give me advice on how to get over this. We are so in love and she is the women of my dreams, she idolises me and loves me so much. I feel like Im failing her by not letting this go, and I hate myself when we get onto the subject and I end up making sly comments. Before I met her, if I knew her past and her current attitude to it, I would never have had an interest. Its not like i want a virgin, I just want someone who realises unprotected one night stands are disgusting, and accepts everyone makes mistakes.Thanks
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broke up, condom, different countries, her ex, her past, one night stand Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): I agree, don't guilt trip her. There is nothing that can be done about her past and it is pointless to beat up on someone emotionally--it won't help either of you.
However, you should immediately leave her. You have a major clash of values (i.e., you have values and she doesn't), and it isn't going to work in the long run.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): "I need advice."
"First, whether or not I actually know who she really is?"
"Second of all, what her attitude says about her?"
Third, "I also need opinions on whether or not she just pretends it was ok or if she really had 6 one night stands to make her self feel better? Or does she genuinely think hoping into bed with randomers was OK?"
Dear Poster,
I am taking your words from your post and putting them into grammatical form so you can see that you already have all the answers that you need....as you answered them yourself as follows:
ANSWER TO FIRST SECOND AND THIRD POINT
"she shows no regret, guilt or remorse and doesn't see anything wrong with her past actions. She laughs and thinks its funny she has taken the morning after pill 6 times, and used to BOAST it was 6 different nationalities in 6 different countries."
ANSWER TO FIRST POINT
"She also continued having casual sex with her ex (the first) after they broke up, even though she had no feelings for him and he was a terrible lover."
ANSWER TO THIRD POINT
"Before I met her, if I knew her past and her current attitude to it, I would never have had an interest. Its not like i want a virgin, I just want someone who realises unprotected one night stands are disgusting, and accepts everyone makes mistakes."
Your girl sees sex and love as seperate issues, she sees sex as sport. There are no consequences to these actions, what with all the options for ending pregnancies and preventing them in the first place.
She has told you who she is, there is a saying in psychology, "People always tell us who they are if we will only listen." And another saying, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior"....the 6 one night stands, the continuing to have sex with an ex after no longer loving him.....her attitudes of glibness and charm.
Another saying is attitude begets behavior....she is at a very high liklihood of being a woman who will cheat on her spouse....she likes the power and control and attention she gets from men. To her sex is a way to control men, no consequences equals no motivation for her to change.....loving you is beside the point to her.
The last point is you asked for people's opinions. The only opinion that matters is your own and you stated it hear that if you had known this about her before you had your love goggles on you wouldn't have been interested. Is the cost of loving someone blindly too much for you?
I would also like to copy an answer to a similar question, just remove the threesome his girl had with 7 one night stands.
On the surface your question seems to be about how you will compare to your girlfriend's threesome experience with three men and the fact that she bragged about it to you by calling it pretty hot.
Some of the aunts have spoken to that superficial topic.
But let's do something else, let's look at the deeper issue at hand.
Most people will tell you that you are acting and feeling "jealous" of her past lovers. But how can you actually be jealous of someone who no longer has what you now have, your girlfriend? People will tell you that you need to get over it, be the man, be more mature and just move on.
However, it is idiotic to tell you that. Love by it's very nature is possessive. We don't date someone or fall in love with someone with the idea in mind that they won't be our last, that our lover will be with someone else someday, we don't go into it with the end in mind. Otherwise, why would we ever marry? We would all just expect to move on from one person to the next for the rest of our lives, and it is the very idiotic notion that we need to get over our lover's past loves that perpetuates this moving on mentality, temporary loves in our lives.
But, let's say we want our relationship with our beloved to be primary, to be exclusive, yes, to be "special". Otherwise, we don't feel our love is going to last, it is threatened at it's very core because our exclusivity with each other is threatened, and so is the primacy of the relationship with our beloved.
So, your girlfriend doesn't get this about you, in fact she may be the type of woman who uses sex to control men. She is bragging to you about her sexual past, her escapades, not realizing that true love begs to be special, to be primary, to be exclusive. She doesn't understand that men don't want to picture the girl they love with other men laying on top of her, and especially two men having their way with her. That is what she left out of her insensitve comment to you about her threesome being pretty hot.
You don't have to change your mind about any of this. You love the woman and you now feel a bit threatened. The only thing that is going to make you feel unthreatened is if she reassures you, no promises you that it won't be happening again, that she did it as a lark, and she understand's that you aren't jealous, but in love with her, and with that comes a certain responsibility.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (27 August 2009):
 I agree with quiet-ech , society is embedded with men whose traditional values conflict with the women in their lives . The fact you call it promiscuous behaviour demonstrates that you will never forgive her. There are millions of faithful loyal women who have slept with a damn sight more than 6 or 7 men. Most would consider this pretty tame stuff.
I think you should simply try and find someone who shares the same values ( we get them writing in to Dear Cupid all the time) Sure they will be most likely dull and uninspiring , but you can't have it both ways. Women have been given new freedoms which they accept with relish. They don't need their partners to judge them constantly .
On the flip side, you appear to be taking on a lot of the advice but I think the fact you keep coming back here and pointing out something slighty different demonstrates that deep inside you , you just cannot get over this.
I suggest you end her misery ( it really must be annoying for her having to explain herself all the time to you and I can only imagine she is reflecting on whether it is all worth it) and find someone without a sexual history - I believe that is the only thing you will accept.
Good luck, it will be tough for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): Here is the only thing that actually matters: You would not have done the same thing in her place. She doesn't owe you any remorse, and you don't owe her a relationship if she does not share your values.You should probably walk away from her. This won't ever just stop bothering you at some magic day or year in the future. It's a deep and permanent rift in the way you two feel about sexuality.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): Ultimately, if you cannot live for the moment, working towards the future, then you cannot live for the moment, working towards the future with this person. Her past is her past. I see absolutely no correlation with her past with your relationship at the moment. Is she still sleeping around with other men while she is with you? Is she disease-ridden? She isn't. It was ALL circumstantial. It has nothing to do with you. You were not in the picture at all. The world that she had those experiences in was never and will never be a part of yours.All of this obsession with someone's past has to do with satisfying one's ego. Self-righteousness to be 'better' than the past, by trying to force the lover to submit to your demands of being 'the best'. It is a mental state that you desire to achieve, but cornering your partner into a narrow path, enforcing your own ideals upon her, at the same time, taking advantage of her emotional wellbeing that she indeed loves you. An emotional high for having someone 'fall below you'. Basically, you can't get over this because you simply did not have the ability to from the start. "Trust", "Love", "Easy-Going" are all frames of minds. These aren't the type of things that are switched on and off on a whim. If they are, then you're not really trusting, in love and easy going. You are just using such labels to define what you think you 'should' do, versus what you really feel naturally doing.
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A
male
reader, Ifyoudontmind  +, writes (26 August 2009):
Honestly, one night stands are remarkably common and yes a lot of girls assume that all men believe in the whole promiscuity thing is attractive, so she may boast it to you.Just tell her you love her, and dont want to consider the idea of men objectifying her in such a fashion. Inflict just a dab of emotional guilt, to make her realize her actions are not acceptable. E.G. "I cant believe anyone could ever do that to you, just use you for sex and never care for anything else" make her realize it, hopefully it helps-iydm
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): A person's (man or woman) past tells what type of individual they are. It tells a future partner what type of morals they have. It tells a future partner how they value themselves and how careful they are with relationships and sex. It tells whether they are potential cheaters or someone who has trouble with relationships. It tells them what the future might be like with that person.
A past does mean something. It is not just something to do and then forget. Some people change what they did in the past and some no not change. As I have said several times here, a person has a right to do whatever they want as long as it does not hurt someone. However, a future partner has an equal right to not approve of that past behavior and to not be with that person. If a person lies about their past then that is just as cheap as anything that they are trying to hide. If a man or woman is not ashamed about their past behavior then why hide it? Is it perhaps because they are not person enough to admit what you have done? Is it because they are trying to hide it from themselves?
There are many ways that people have of trying to talk themselves and others into what they have done as good and acceptable behavior. There is the lame, "It's what made me what I am today." excuse. Yes, a man or woman who has had a hundred sexual partners has certainly made them what they are - a slut. Open your eyes people.
There are some valid excuses for people having a promiscuous past. People go through terrible relationships and feel depressed, old and unattractive. They have sex to make them feel better about themselves. They are not able to think clearly and do things that are not indicative of the type of person they really are. It makes them feel good for a time. That type of person normally regrets what they have done a few days later or when the get over their depression. they are looking for the love that was not there in their failed relationship and just go about it in the wrong way. Women often use sex to try to get this missing love and affection. My wife did it many years ago and I have talked to some other women who have done the same thing. The thing is that they don't brag about what they have done. It is obvious that they are not exactly proud of it.
People often say to be proud of what you have done and show that you are proud. That is true if you have done things to be proud of, but to be proud of 1 night stands with strangers and without protection is either hiding your true feelings or actually not having the ability to make proper decisions. It sounds to me that the OP's girlfriend is in the latter group, at least from the information that he has given us.
Wombatsotre, it is not entirely your problem. It is the problem of both you and your girlfriend. The way that you feel does not make you wrong or shallow. You have as much right to feel the way you do as she did to have those 1 night stands. What you have to decide is whether she thinks that behavior is fine or whether she is really bothered by it and just cannot admit it. If she really thinks that it is fine to behave that way then you have to decide if you think that it is over or if she would do the same thing if you ever have an argument or if she feels depressed for some reason. If she really thinks nothing of it then I would wonder about her ability to do it again. Can you trust her? Only you can make that decision. I can tell you from the early years dating my wife that she would not admit to any guilt, even though it seemed obvious that she was not happy with her past behavior. It was many years before she could feel proud of herself and admit to herself that she had done things wrong, sleeping with guys who she had just met at a bar.
How do you get over it? Simple, you don't, at least not completely. Yos and I have discussed this many times in answers. Here is one question where it was discussed at length. Look at how Yos and I have handled it. We did it differently to some extent, but no one method is correct. It depends on the person.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
Read the suggestions that Yos has made about how to keep it out of your mind. His suggestions have helped many people who are troubled by a partner's past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): hey man,Some men want to believe that their sexual partner is speial, even if we as men may not be special ourselves.This problem is yours and not her.There will certainly be no physicl emtional or psychological trauma to her as a result of her past.What I fear may be going on here is that you may feel that what you thought sex with you meant to her may have been cheapened somewhat and also that you may see her now as somehwat less sensible than she was before.I admit i find her not using a condom to be plain stupid. I admit that i would be uncomfortable myself with the scenario. But deep down do you love her enough to get over this and does she love you enough to make you getting over this worth it.That is the real question and one only you can answer and talking to her will help you to do that.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (26 August 2009):
 Hmmm well this is a tough one, and as you have probably noticed this type of question has come up a lot on here recently!
I personally am ok with one night stands - they can just be a bit of fun and you leave feeling sexy and fulfilled sexually. But I personally have never had a 1 night stand with someone I didnt know - I have had 4 and they were all with men that I were either kinda friends with or that I had met on a number of occasions! And I would always be safe - my rule is you should use condoms until both parties have been tested for STD's and then you can start sleeping together without condoms once you know you are both clean.
I hope you have got your girlfriend tested!
After reading and answering so many of these question, I honestly think that no woman should be honest about her sexual past as it just leads to problems. If any man asks me about mine ever again I will just decline to answer!
There is no magic solution for us to give you here, there is no way for us to tell you how to get over it. It really is as simple as either you get over it or you end the relationship. Now by the sounds of it the last thing you want to do is end the relationship therefore your only choice is to forget about it. So each time it comes into your head, think of something else. The past is in the past - just pretend back then she was a different person and the woman you are with now is totally different.
I am somewhat baffled by men's obsession with the past - why should the past have any impact on the present? If she hasnt got any STD's and she is not sleeping around behind your back then where is the problem? She loves you, and you love her. So why on earth does anything else matter?
I am thinking of writing an article on this, I would love men to fully explain what it is about a woman's past that drives you so crazy!
I hope this helps!
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