A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I have been together with this boy for 1 and half years. I love him truly with all my heart. However, I feel so hurt at times because I feel that nowadays, his friends are more important than me. He misses me a lot only when he is alone. I refer to this as convenience love. He doesn't ignore me totally but the only real time we get to spend and speak to each other on the phone is for about 1hour during weekdays as we are both working and we meet once a week or maybe twice. But there are times when he often goes out with his friends and there goes our talking time. I don't stop him from going out with his friends but it does hurt me that we can't talk. Instead of understanding why I am hurt, he gets angry. The reason adding to my hurt is that I have changed because before this I was in university away from home and I was constantly surrounded by friends. We hardly got to meet and everytime I would be having friends chit chatting in my room. It was fun. But he didn't like it because he felt he wanted to spend more time with me without my friends there (mind you, at that time, we spent at least 5 hours a day on the phone together). So I changed. I hardly went out with friends (but I still kept my friends by learning how to make them happy. I spent all my nights talking to him since. Now I am back near home, I only ever go out with him or my mother. Even if i meet my friends once a month, I always take him because he is part of the gang. I have changed my whole life for him. But he still doesn't understand. Now he says that he already doesn't get sex from me because I want to stay a virgin till marriage, so why should he feel guilty being out and not talking to me? And when I remind him that I changed for him, he used to apologise and tell me to change back. Now he says its not his fault I changed, I could'v not listened to him. But I told him, I cant change back. I am too attached to him and every spare time I have to go out, I would like to be with him. I cant break up with him because everyone knows about us being together and I have had few failed relationships before when I was in school. I am scared I will get a bad name. What do I do? I want to be strong again and able to be happy with life and show him he was all that to me but I wont take nonsense now. Do help me
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female
reader, Katie-Lynn  +, writes (24 September 2010):
 Actually the best thing to do is ask him if he'd like to be one of your friends. That will really show that be wants to be part of your life :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Jilly, No no i totally didn't expect a sorry. Nothing wrong in what you said nor the way you said it. I needed that sort of straight forward advice. Guess I just used the wrong word. It should be STRAIGHT FORWARD. But thank you again =). I am ever willing to change my way of seeing things if I realise it is not right and it will only make things worse for me. That was the whole point of me posting this hear and not talking about this to people I know. Because those close to me would subconsciously support me and I need to know the blunt truth too. Thanks again. Do take care =)
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010): TO THE POSTER OF THE QUESTION,
You never mentioned you were of Indian decent, and I never mentioned that you should have sex before marriage, in fact I never touched upon the sex aspect, as you hadn't concentrated on that, and I certainly would not suggest going against what YOU wanted or believed in, even IF I felt you may not be able to make FULLY informed choices fro your life. They are your beliefs.
As for it being harsh, I totally disagree, being a counsellor, it is my responsibility to give OPEN, HONEST and direct factual information or advice, NOT to encourage or go along with what someone wants to hear, to SUPPORT their own thoughts which are already causing them problems.
Nevertheless, I'm sorry that you felt it was harsh..but as I say, sometimes we have to move away from our original thought pattern, and an agony aunt or uncle is NOT just there to give tea and sympathy, that would NOT help anyone in the long run..but sorry anyway!
Jilly x
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi it's me again. Thank you so much for your answers. Dear Jilly, I am from an Indian descent and it is still a big deal for me to give up my virginity no matter how long I am with a guy. Unless we are married of course. This is just to set the record straight, no offense. But Dear Jilly, you advice was harsh but yet I guess I do need to listen to that sort of advice at times. As for Katie-Lynn, Aunty Honesty and Priyanka09, thanks loads too. Means alot the way you guys put things. I can see the bottom line is I need to start rebuilding my circle of friends. I should be the girl I used to be. Although I have tried before, as I figured IT IS the right thing to do, I somehow softened and decided to tag him along as I loved being with him. I shall be more strong-willed. Truly I appreciate this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010): Do people actually READ the questions..This young woman meets her boyfriend ONCE or TWICE a WEEK, with ONE hour of conversation on the phone. NOT once or twice a MONTH as one reply to her question suggests.
Where has this young man ' ENCROACHED' on this young woman's privacy..Hellllloooooooo...that is what she is complaining about NOT ENOUGH encroaching upon her privacy. She wants more contact in-between meeting up.
As for saying he only wants SEX, he has been going out with her for OVER 12 months, no sorry EIGHTEEN MONTHS, and it seems his only mistake, is NOT spending ALL his time with her, and choosing to have friends and interests OUTSIDE this relationship, which MOST REPLIES are suggesting this young woman does too.
They are both working too, so if they see each other twice a week and also spend ONE hour chatting on the phone, I wouldn't label this young man as ONLY wanting sex, 18 months is a long time to be waiting around for sex. Lots of guys get labelled with looking for sex only, and that may be the case if after a FEW dates, not months he moves on, but hey give this guy some credit where it's due!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010): Gosh...lots of issues here, and the first one is, STOP referring to him as a boy, if you're both between 22-25 then he is a young man.
I think an awful lot of your issues stem from YOU changing into someone YOU were NOT when you met this young man, and on your own omission have changed so much, he probably struggles with who you have become.
Changing for someone else, other than for YOU, NEVER works, and it demonstrates the persons lack of independence and that they are unable to STILL live their own life, such as friends and interests, as they did before they met their partner. That is a huge responsibility to PUT on someone, especially telling them ' I changed for YOU' NOT good!
You immediately put that person on the defensive, by saying ALL that you have done for them, when in fact, you have changed because by the sounds of it, you want almost constant contact with your boyfriend,by excluding your own friends and former interests from your life.
Chatting for 5 hours on the phone, may be fine in the first the flush of a romance, but this type of contact cannot be sustained over a long period - NOT saying you expect 5 hours, but if you're both working, and DO have other interests and friends - well your young man does, perhaps ease back a bit on making him feel guilty IF he wants to see his friends and go out. It is normal.
As for you stopping having friends and only going out with your Mother, and then getting upset when your boyfriend goes out with friends, is NOT healthy for either of you, especially you, as we all need to have other people in our life to enrich it, and also enrich our relationship with our partner.
Then you say, when you do see friends once a month - Your boyfriend comes..STOP...SEE your friend or friends ALONE, cut the umbilical cord to your boyfriend, get some time to ENJOY other things in YOUR life.
Become an independent person, so you don't NEED chit chat all the time, so you can enjoy time alone without trying to FILL every space with your boyfriend. May be suggest that when he goes out he might text you which wouldn't take him long, and you would feel more thought off.
Of course its vital to keep emotional intimacy going in a long term relationship, but you have to reach a happy medium, and just because you have become a different person does NOT mean your boyfriend should, to enable you to CHAT on the phone instead of HIM going out, that really is not going to work for the long term, nor for marriage, it's too claustrophobic.
Why not try and pick up where you left off with some of your friends now your back home, take up some interest you have always wanted to do - because if you don't keep growing as an individual the young woman your boyfriend met and fell for will no longer exist, and that was the person he fell for.
Good luck with this one!
Jilly x
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female
reader, Katie-Lynn +, writes (24 September 2010):
I say that all he wants is sex. If it were me, I'd dump him right now.
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A
female
reader, Priyanka09  +, writes (24 September 2010):
 Well,
First thing is first, by just breaking up with him, you wont bring a bad name on you. If a relationship is not working for you, its not working for you.......period. You should not get into rights and wrongs for public image if you do not want to be in a relationship.
I think I can say that firstly he encroached upon your privacy somewhere, and now you are. If you are able to spend a hour talking to him everyday and you meet him twice a month, its really not that bad an average too. You should want his time if he really wants to give you time. Do you really want to beg time for him. One thing that I can suggest is, stop fighting with him. Make your own friends and start having your own circle. I am sure he will start missing you around. I think he is taking you for granted somewhere, and he must be thinking you just crib all the time. So probably the best way to handle this would be to take out time for yourself. Just spend sometime by yourself. Keep yourself busy in other things apart from him, and dont crib at ll. Just be relaxed. I am sure he will realise his mitake and come back to you. He will stop taking you for granted too.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 September 2010):
 You are only young and you should never stop spending time with friends for a boyfriend as your friends come first at this age as you will go through many more boyfriends before you find mr. right. So start getting out there and making new friends go out with work mates or join a club or group. It will stop you spending your time craving your boyfriend, you need to get out and enjoy your life independantly and stop relying on your boyfriend. Start having fun on your own without him whether he likes it or not. Good Luck
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