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anonymous
writes: I am married, and have been for four years. My husband is a wonderful man, but I'm beginning to feel that I just don't love him anymore. I was diagnosed with depression a few months ago, and despite care from my doctor, family and friends, as well as herbal and conventional medication, which have helped the feelings of depression, I am still very depressed. I am beginning to think that it is because I am unhappy with my relationship. I believe that I got married for the wrong reasons - there were serious problems in my family at the time, and my partner provided security I didn't have - and that although I care for my partner very much, I do not love him in the way I should. I also believe, and this is the worst bit, that there was someone other than him that I should have married. I've known this other man for many years, and were in a relationship for some time. We remained firm friends, and he has been a huge support to me, especially recently. I feel that I'm in love with him, and always have been, and that I missed my chance with him and settled for second best. I would never cheat on my husband, but I just don't know what to do.Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): this is a common situation.at times we marry for the wrong reasonsn.sometime you do not know the other partner so well.it is still early,i think you should walk out now.this will help you and your partner.
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female
reader, tjazzy  +, writes (21 August 2009):
I'm really sorry lady. I know how it feels to be trapped in a relationship I absolutely do not want and yet can not leave. I also know how it feels to be depressed to the point that your health fails and you need to be placed on admission in hospital. I know it, cos i've been there. But one thing broke me loose and I'm happier than I have ever been in my life.
Have you tried Jesus? He can love you far more than any human being can. And I tell you He will heal you of all your depression and help you love your husband in ways you could never have imagined.
Please do not cheat on your husband. At least he doesn't abuse you in anyway. It's not his fault and I'm sure he loves you.Try to remember those things you saw in him that made you love him at first and then, pray to God to help you love him more than you have done in the past.
Also, trash all those unrealistic romantic novels, most of the writers have no idea what they are writing about.
Get a bible in simple English instead and start with the book of Isaiah. To see just how much God loves you.
May God help you in Jesus' name. Amen
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): I am a 27 year old girl and have been married almost 3 years. I know i married the wrong guy, i think about it every day. I was in a relationship when i met him with the love of my life, i was the happiest i had ever been... my husband wooed me with money and stupidly i left my old life for his soulless life. All i have felt with him is loneliness. He cheated and lied to me for the first 2 years that i knew him (before we got married) and he made me feel so weak, the weakest i have ever been in my life, but i went back to him ... why? I think about leaving him everyday but am so scared. I feel like i left my life behind when i met him and i dont know what it is that i am suppose to go back to.
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female
reader, PinkButterfly  +, writes (5 August 2008):
I know how you feel, i have only been married for 2years but i am starting to feel that i am not suppose to be married. I feel like i married for the wrong reasons, i to hade family problems and i think suconsiosly saw this as a way out!! And yes i do love him, but i dont think in the way a wife should love her husband!!! I am starting to feel so far from him and it really puts a lot of strai n on us because he is starting to feel me pull away! I just feel so traped i feel i made a promise to love him for ever and now i dont...
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): I am finding myself in a similar situation. I have been going to therapy for 2 years now and recently had a break-through about why I behave certain ways in my marriage. 15 years ago I had a long distance relationship with a friend from university. We were planning to take the friendship to a new level including my moving out to where he was then living and I freaked out. I cut off all ties, and almost instantaneously found my husband. I have never felt the same way about a man since, including my husband. In fact, I have come to acknowledge that a relationship that I had in university was in vain as well as I was continuing the "act" because I wanted to be close to Mr. X all the time (he and my then-boyfriend lived together). I am stuck in a bad situation, and have 4 children that I absolutely love and adore. But I am not happy, do not love my husband the way that he truly deserves to be loved, I am not loved the way that I truly deserve to be loved and have never been throughout the marriage. Unfortunately I do not have contact with Mr. X as you do. I have little information on where he is and I do not know if he is married or what. But I feel trapped for my children. If I was closer geographically to Mr. X, I may venture into separating from my husband, because I could still have my children in the picture. But we are still thousands of miles away from each other. I am trapped. trapped. trapped.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): I think you really need to follow your heart, I am in your shoes, only for almost 23 years. I knew in my heart I did not want to marry this guy, I needed financial stability. I have regreted this for so long, I am hurting for so long, At least you only have 4 years, my 23 are very painful, My advice, now that you feel your marriage is not right, walk away while you are young. walk away and find what you need. Get yourself in a position where you can take care of yourself, financially and emotionally, then move on. I always thought it would get better,,,, No it does not, that longing for a real TRUE love will never go away. If your cant look in your husbands eyes and from your heart say, " I love you, your have made me the happiest woman" then run while you can. I am only older, and so sad and lonely.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2008): You have totally written my story! I will be married four years in April to a good man that rescued me financially.
I love him for what he has done for me, but I am not and never have been in love with him. We have nothing in common, different views and beliefs, we should have never been together. I want out but am too depressed to figure out how to get out and make it on my own.
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female
reader, cenihi  +, writes (19 August 2007):
It seems to me that there are too many unanswered variables in this equation to come up with a definitive answer. You admitted to being depressed lately. Pervasive negative thinking is something that accompanies depression, making it nearly impossible to see the positive things in your life for what they truly are. Instead a depressed person focuses on what they perceive to be the overwhelming problems in their lives.
In this case you mentioned that recently you started thinking that the reason for your depression might be your relationship, which is less than perfect. It might be helpful to think about this in a new way. Obviously, you feel that there is something missing in your life. But rather than make a hurried and potentially harmful decision to leave your "wonderful" husband for the greener grass of your former flame, I would suggest that you focus your search for happiness inward. No partner can fulfill every need of a woman. And rather than assuming that because you have unmet needs, it must be your husband's fault, you might find that you can fulfill some of those needs on your own, or with friends (even the friendship of this other man, but be careful there).
I would also like to point out that the notion of running off with this other prince charming is very romantic, and therefore tempting. But it's important to remember that the bloom always leaves the rose of any relationship at some point, and then you are left with the same feelings of unmet needs unless you learn how to become more whole yourself.
Finally, I know this will sound contrite, but you may want to think about receiving some individual and perhaps couple's therapy. Individually, therapy may help you battle your depression and become more self fulfilling. Couple's therapy could help you reinvigorate your lost feelings of lust and joy with your husband. And if not, then at least if you do make the decision to leave, you will know that you did everything you could to try and fix the problems in your marriage before giving up on your vows.
And who knows, maybe a new beginning is what you really need. But wouldn't it be wonderful to feel totally confident in the decision you make, either way?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2006): The truth of the matter is that if you're unhappy you are just plain unhappy. Talk with your husband and find out how he feels. He may be a truly wonderful man, but just not the one for you and the reality is that if he's not the one for you than you also, are not the one for him.
Many times we make mistakes with marriage because we don't understand the permanance it implies. We marry, create a family, invest in a home and expect that this will make our lives complete. What we fail to realize, and I say we because much like the rest of you I am finding myself in a similar situation, is that these things were never meant to complete our lives, but rather they were meant to enhcance our lives and if you are finding that this is not the case, than you absolutely must sit and discuss your feelings with your spouse. If you find communication is too difficult, then you already have your answer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2006): have been married 6 years now, 2 children, don't feel for my husband in the ways that I should, I am still in love with a man i've known since I was 14, and been having an affair with him since 4 months after marrying, what the hell am I to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2006): I can't really give any advise because i feel the same I am not diagnosed with depression however, I married my husband knowing I wasn't in love with him, he is a nice guy and stable, the man I love is spontaneous and although we dated for four years he said he wasn't ready for marriage, so I left, and I always felt that was a big mistake, so far I haven't been able to proe myself wrong!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2005): 4 years into marriage: I think I feel how you feel about your situation. Because I feel I am in a somewhat similar situation I totally agree with "...A saying sums it up nicely "better to be left on the shelf than locked away in the wrong cupboard"Better see if the one you're in love with can unlock you from the wrong cupboard, you'll feel better for it in the long run. As you are, you aren't doing ANYONE any FAVOURS; Yourself for living a lie, your current husband for denying him the chance for him to find someone who REALLY loves him and the guy you really love for denying him the chance to be with you..."When I met my husband there were many things that were kept secret from me. (he was married and divorced with 2 chldren and have lived with many women...besides he was living on the streets and some bad habits) he let me discover it all only later in less than a year...Since I never knew any man in my life and wantted only to be married happily and properly to the one and only man I would be with till death do us part...but I realized I married the wrong man ever since...I felt he was a very good actor...his mother later told me he told her not to tell me...pretty soon character began to show and all throughout the marriage...he was mean, rude, irresponsible etc...and was gone with his friends having fun..his phone was forever busy...there was something terribly wrong...I strarted seeing all the unhealthy habits which he knew earlier I do not want...I wanted to leave everyday of my life but I never made it not until I had a baby...I had no choice but to run for my life when my baby was 4 months old...4 years later he wrote that he is now a good man...no more of those bad habits...I did not want to believe it but I had missed him all those times ...when we retured to the area where we once lived it was then we found out he had been living with a drug addict prostitute and a baby...alittle more years later...he again named another one of her baby...how I wish I had divorced him instantly after I left...now he and his kids walk in/out of my house almost everyday and he is so adamant to stick with us...he just does not agree to a divorce...he said he'd rather die miserably than to be divorced...I just want a peaceful divorce and not a fight over child custody...over the years I slowly lost my love for him...my mind and eyes and ears became opened and clear to reasonings...I feel I was a very stupid and foolish girl...I realized I never had the chance to be married happily with someone whom I could have trully loved and be loved the same...enjoy life together...equally yoked was what I trully wanted...but it was entirely the opposite...life was horrible and no fun...it was stagnant...here I am still do not have a divorce certificate just watching the world go by while working hard to take care of me and my son...and it is so depressing to see them coming...I feel it is such a bother...I do not have the love for him as a husband anymore and I just want to be free as a bird and do all the things I need to do to make my life better..and I need all the peace and quiet..just do not want to see them anymore...yet I do not dare do anything...he tells me he'll kill himslef and I will be the cause of his death... I feel so mad and wish I am brave to just go ahead and divorce him no matter what...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2005): "Four years into marriage, and I feel I married the wrong man!" what should you do?
Get a Divorce!
Honestly, lifes too short to spend it Barking up the wrong tree married to the wrong Man.
If you're in love with this man & he's in love with you why not?.
If it's this bad 4 years into marrying the wrong man, what on earth will it be like for you in 10 years? 20 Years? 50 Years even!! A time will come were a mistake is ireversible so act while you can.
Some women, honestly dont think straight at all when they get married & get carried away with it all, they seem to be complete Emotional Basket-cases when it comes to independacy & cant survive without a Boyfriend. Often get married to "just anyone" so as to make themselves feel secure in life. I'm sure alot see marriage as a way to make themselves happy if they're depressed about past relationships perhaps, little realising it has the opposite effect when they still aren't happy a few years in & are now trapped in a marriage they dont want ( like in your origianl topic ) A marriage should be for life, not just for your Wedding day too.
My Mum married my Dad as she wanted someone to be a "father figure" to my half sister at the time. She also felt sorry for my dad, & was never in love with him at any time thinking she may grow to love him. She got Divorced 6 years into the marriage when it became too much pretending to love him, She led life independantly for a while & then bumped into someone she fell in love with years ago. Never seen my mum happier. They're still together 12 years on
A saying sums it up nicely "better to be left on the shelf than locked away in the wrong cupboard"
Better see if the one you're in love with can unlock you from the wrong cupboard, you'll feel better for it in the long run. As you are, you aren't doing ANYONE any FAVOURS; Yourself for living a lie, your current husband for denying him the chance for him to find someone who REALLY loves him & the guy you really love for denying him the chance to be with you.
Good Luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2005): I am in the same boat as you. I have been married for three years now and still love another man. The other man was a fiance of mine and we haven't see eachother in six years. We have just recently started communicating with eachother and have found that we feel the same ways we always did. Our breakup was caused by an accident in my family and I had to move. He didn't move with me and regrets it to this day, he says.
I am wondering what you have decided to do about your situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2005): I am 26 years old. I am beautiful, confident and got married. There are people in this world who love us the way we are and love to date us but as time passes they become not intrested to marry us. You have to decide if like being married or single status hunting guys. Then, you talk to second man in your life if you can take chances after divorce with first man....Because girl...second man loves to be your friend but may not be intrested in long relationship...he might end up as fling.
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reader, Wildberries +, writes (24 May 2005):
You need to take a LONG HARD LOOK at YOURSELF!!! How do you contribute to this problem? Does the depression change your perception of things? You said yourself that your husband is a wonderful man. A good man is WAY too hard to find and if you are fortunate enough to have one,consider yourself lucky.Maybe you should put more effort into finding reasons why you should stay, instead of all the time and effort you put into finding reasons to leave. Think about it.
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