A
male
age
36-40,
*earatts
writes:A few months ago my girlfriend broke up with me. We talked about it and she told me that we had grown apart. She said that there is no chance of us getting back together. It sucks, but I've come to except it and I've put it in my mind that I've gotta move on. I told her that I'll always and forever love her, and that she'll always be my best friend. She said that makes her happy, and that I'll always be her friend. Since we've broken up I've been talking to several women and now I'm in the dilemma of having 4 different women that want to be in a relationship with me. One of them lives 200 miles away. Another one is in the same city, but has tons of baggage. The other recently moved here and wants to get to know me. The last one is my ex from before the one that was previously mentioned 10 years ago. Honesty I really don't want to be with any of these women. I just want to be back with my ex that I'm friends with now. What should I do? Should I just forget about her? If i do move on which one should I move on with?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 April 2012):
 Say that you don't want to hur them by making them a rebound relationship.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (17 April 2012):
 Look, you are still hung up on your ex and claim that you will 'love her forever' so until you stop 'loving her forever' you cannot be with another woman, it simply is not fair.
Imagine you started dating a girl you really like, start falling for her but then find out her ex is her best friend and she will never stop loving him? How would you feel about that? Pretty pissed I bet!
No girl is going to want to get involved with you when she finds out about your ex, you have way too much baggage to be an attractive relationship prospect. I certainly would never date a guy so hung up on his ex!
So you need to decide what you want to do now - do you want to hang around forever waiting for your ex, just in case she changes her mind? Or do you actually want to move on?
Because if you want to move on you CANNOT have her has a friend, she has to be completely out of your life in order for your feelings to start to fade. I know you dont want to do that, and you clearly are clinging on to her even just as a friend because you are hurting so much from the break up.
You think you are starting to move on, when the reality is you are clinging onto the past with no intention of ever moving on. You still want your ex, you cant have her so you want her as your best friend instead, declaring your undying love for her....you have not even started moving on my friend.
The ONLY way 2 people who were once romantically involved can ever be friends after the relationship has ended is if you BOTH agreed to the break up, both agreed on the same reason for the break-up and only felt feelings of 'friendship' towards each other at the end. You have already said you will love her forever, and the break up was her idea - therefore a friendship will not work between you two. You are incapable of being pure friends because you love her more than a friend, and as long as you feel more than friendship for her you will never move on romantically.
In my opinion the best thing for you is to cut contact with her for good, and never look back. Take some time out to get over her, to mourn the loss of someone you really loved and get used to being happy alone again. Until you can make yourself happy, how do you expect anyone else to make you happy? No other girl is going to fill her shoes at the moment, you need to learn how to get by without ANY relationship in your life before you can think of getting into another one.
As I said before you have way too much baggage with your ex and you need to get rid of that - no girl is going to tolerate you loving another woman forever and being friends with the woman he loves. So if you really do want to move on, get the ex out of your life and spend some time alone. Ideally a few months at least.
Once you can honestly say that your love for your ex has gone and that you are 100% over her, and you dont want her back - that is when you are ready to date again.
I know it is hard when she ended it and you love her, but those feelings will fade if you have enough space between you and her. It is ok to have fond memories of an ex and still care about them, but it is not ok to love someone forever when you are in a relationship with another woman. If you are in a relationship with someone else then 100% of your heart needs to be dedicated to her, not holding a flame for a girl from the past.
At the end of the day it is up to you - I dont think you are ready to let go of her so I'm sure you will ignore my advice and think that you can be both friends with her and find another girl. But that is totally unfair on the new girl, and you really should get rid of the ex baggage before you move on into a new relationship otherwise it will cause problems.
I hope you have a good think about this and be sensible. At the very least be single for a while and give yourself time to get over what you claim to be the love of your life. a few months is nowhere near long enough to get over someone you claim to 'love forever'.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (17 April 2012):
Hi there. As it is only a short time since the breakup of your last relationship, you really need some time to be on your own to settle down and get over it properly.
At the moment, it's just too early to get into a new relationship. It would only be a rebound, and they very rarely work out well.
By all means be friends with these other 4 women, for now.
In doing so, make it very clear to each of them that you are NOT ready for a new relationship just yet.
Tell them you only want to be friends at the moment and are not looking to get emotionally involved right now.
They also need to know that you are fresh out of a breakup, so they fully understand where you are coming from.
If you did try and get straight into another relationship, you would still be thinking about your most recent ex who you are not yet over. You probably would be constantly comparing each one to her.
As well as that, you wouldn't be your usual happy self. You might even be down and upset while you were out with them, so just don't go there.
That wouldn't do anyone any favours, the least of all you.
And it certainly wouldn't be fair to any of them either.
No-one would ever have the chance to truly shine.
Instead of going out with new women, why don't you just socialize with your mates? Just enjoy your freedom for a few months while it lasts!
There's plenty of time to find "Miss Right". There is no need to rush into it.
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