A
male
age
30-35,
*averickjuniper
writes:After four and a half years the love of my life told me that she no longer loves me. She said that she no longer wants to see me or hear from me again. The hardest part to accept of all this is the fact that just days before we were great. Actually I recall being intimate, compassionate, and loving with her. She looked me in the eyes and said that she loved me and I know it was there... I felt it. We had not fight, no unfaithfulness or trust issues. We were just a great couple and we were in love.Just under three days after our wonderful night together she told me that we were done and for good. I do realize that there may be allot of stress in her life right now seeig that she is starting a "field experiance" program at school and will be leaving for the entire summer to study abroad. I have also realized that she feels that I have changed and this is the reason for which she has left me. If that is the case I wish we could have talked about it before she talks to her room mates and her counselor so that at least we could address it and find agreement in some area.Here is my question for you ladies.What is going on in her mind?Why such a change overnight?Does she really not want to see nor talk to me forever? Or is it just a way for her to disconnect for a while to clear her emotions and understand why she made this decision?here is the main question; What should I do?I have a thought that I am going to leave her alone, no contact, for 2-3 weeks and then send her a card telling her that I am sorry for everything that has happened and that I agree with the break up and I am fine with it. I have come to terms with it....I hope school and work are going well I hope we can catch-up sometime in the future. I would love to hear all about it...."Ladies, when you do this what is your reasoning? and what is it that you want the guy to do?
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male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (28 March 2011):
 Another thing Mav (apologies for the delay in reply): Don't read too much into the parents and family support. I have two examples that i know of personally where family support meant squat.My sister was really hung up on a guy who had told her straight up that he was only with her because she was there, and that if someone else came along he would move on in a heartbeat. However, this guy's mother was totally and completely in love with my sister, calling her regularly and inviting her out at times when her son wasn't even around.This mother kept telling my sister that she couldn't wait for the day that she married her son. This was completely cruel and unfair of the mother to do, but it convinced my sister that, even though the guy had laid it out straight with her, she STILL held on based on the belief that what the family kept saying couldn't be a lie. It wasn't until she actually moved out of the country (!) that she was finally able to untangle herself from that mess and move on!I also have personal experience, where the girl that i loved more then anyone dumped me, yet her parents kept calling me to fix their computer and her brother kept calling me to hang out. I foolishly felt like this may be my way to win the girl back.. Her family obviously loved me, so eventually she would come back around, right?After about a year of torturing myself, i finally realized it wasn't meant to be, and i stopped replying to the family when they called.It was a hard, hard thing to do, but you may want to think about stopping talking to the family, too. You really need to sever all connections to this girl for at least a couple months.
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female
reader, TEM +, writes (28 March 2011):
 My heart goes out to you too. At your age four and a half years is a huge chunk of your life and it's got to leave a big hole. I also think she owes you an explanation. You don't plan a life together one week and say "have a nice life" the next.
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A
male
reader, Maverickjuniper +, writes (27 March 2011):
Maverickjuniper is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I was on Face Book today out of my surprise my ex messages me. Here is the conversation:
Her:
hope you are doing well, heard some people saw alot of you this weekend! take care of yourself, hope all is well!
Me:
Thanks...Yea Sarah and her bf saw me talking to Laura at cash wise. Amanda saw me at my friends house also.
Her:
yeah, i know, heard all about it.
anyways, thats all, ill let you go!
Me:
I figured you would. Sorry it was out of my control
Her:
oh i don't care, its bound to happen, we only live 2 minutes apart ha.
Me:
Yea...very true.
Her:
okay, well i seriously hope you are doing okay, i do care about you a lot i want you to know that, congrats on your econ exam by the way, thats awesome! youll always have a special place in my heart marcus, you know that...
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I feel like she has certainly given up. I am such a sucker though and I have this picture of us getting back together in some romantic, "fairytale" way months or even years from now. I do have one question though, in terms of psychology, what is going through one's head when the say, "You'll always have a special place in my heart, you know that..."
Does it only mean that they care about you or is it possible that this is another way that they are trying to tell you that, yes, although I enjoyed and loved you, I need to get over you. I picture other times when I have heard of people saying such things and then they never talk to them again. Just like that they are out of their lives. To me, if you have someone on your heart then you would be outgoing to a point where you would remain in constant contact with them and you would always share some level of love and compassion with them.
What do you guys think? Also, shortly after this conversation ended I called her and asked her if she would like to meet up for coffee. She was open to it but said it would have to be in a few weeks yet and that now is too soon (which I am understanding and accepting of)
But why? Why is it so hard for her to see me, talk to me, and simply stay in touch with me if she knows she no longer loves me as a partner? I am not trying to convince her to come back into my arms... I just simply want to chat and see how her daily things are going and I even informed her of that. It hurts guys. I never thought I would actually say this and mean it but, if this is the best thing and it will end up making her happier down the road, then I am ready to let go of our dreams. It is just hard because just weeks ago she wrote me this sweet message that I came across today telling me how much I mean to her and how she is excited for our marriage and children and life together. I know she loved me then... I am just lost as to how the love has past so quickly.
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A
male
reader, Maverickjuniper +, writes (26 March 2011):
Maverickjuniper is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI stand in agreement with you on that one. I should and will take this time to work on me. After I have overcome the initial shock of the situation I have been thinking more clearly I feel. Looking back now I do realize that there have been things that I have been ignoring about me and that transferred into our relationship.
I wish that I could have noticed these things as they were happening but now I am in a stage where I am feeling shame for what beliefs I had and how I began to live a complete polar opposite life as she has. I am not saying that we had nothing at all in common but even as she said, "we just don't have anything in common." obviously this is one of the reasons that I have pushed her away. I feel that in order to re-gain her love again I have to re-examine what I want and where I want to go. I have already done this in the past few days and I have been committed to it hard. I have eliminated several large distractions in my life and I know it will allow me to focus more on the moment and keep a precise eye on where I am going.
I have been receiving allot of support from both her parents, her sisters, and my friends and family. I believe that just the idea that her family is thinking of me and reaching out to by telling me to hang in there, don't give up, goes to show that it is possible this is not the end. I do not want to do anything "wrong" during this time that will destroy our bond which I know we still have. That is, unless I come to a sudden realization months down the road that she has clearly given up and has lost all attraction and love for me- which won't happen. ;) (Positive Thoughts)
What would you say is a good amount of time? It has been one week of no contact. Should I continue for 2? 3? I am anxious to speak with her and just see how everything has been going with her,i.e. no mention of the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Maverickjuniper +, writes (25 March 2011):
Maverickjuniper is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know that this is immature and very youth like but here it is. On my exs facebook she updated her status with, "People and People and sometimes we change our minds. It's never easy, never simple." (Breathe-Taylor Swift)I know that I shouldnt have seen this but her updates are automatically sent to my phone (not anymore though). I saw this and it tore me up. never hearing the song before I googled the words that she posted and I came across the song. I am yet so confused. In my head I see us getting back together in the future, as does her mother. I find it very hard to accept this "soong" as truly being words from her heart. I know it is hard for her but does she really, really believe that it is done for good? I would be very understanding and supportive of her if she wants to explore her options and see what else is out there. I am so confident in our love for one another. What do you guys think about her posting that song? Is it a message to me? We havent talked now for nearly a week so I know that she is starting to think of me and everything.
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A
male
reader, Maverickjuniper +, writes (24 March 2011):
Maverickjuniper is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEric.Troy- I hear ya, man. haha to be honest though I don't even know where to begin with that. I do know that the person she fell in love with and was attracted to over four years ago was in some sense a very confident guy and I had the strongest sense of humor. In my mind I do want her to see that I can be a strong, independent adult but I also really feel like I can't do this without coming out and saying, even though it may be untrue, that I am fine with it and I don't "need" the relationship to continue on in my life. Can you elaborate and clarify what you mean by this? How could I show humor in a situation that really in all reality is agonizing and painful?
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A
male
reader, Maverickjuniper +, writes (24 March 2011):
Maverickjuniper is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEveryone, first off, thank you for your replies. I like to think that I have often been able to think through things n my own but we all know what emotions can do to your thought process. One minute you are sad, depressed and insecure and the next you feel like knocking down a wall. I agree with every single point that you guys have brought up and they are near exactly how I perceive the situation to be. I do know that, as Drew21 said, that we have been dating since we were very young. She was 15 and I was 17. While it is hard for my heart to accept this I truly believe that she and even myself need to experience other relationships and explore our own options. My hopes are,at this point, that this is what will happen and she will realize possibly that no man will treat her with as much love and respect and dignity that I have treated her. I know most guys our age don't even know how to open a door for a lady let alone show them their deserving respect. I agree, I need to allow her to live life and allow others into her life.Also, Strongfp, I agree with you. She does in fact have allot going on in her life. She is a very motivated young lady and she is very passionate about her life goals pertaining to her career as an educator. I know that this week, the week after our separation, has just started a "field experience" program where she gets to play the roll as an actual teacher in a class room setting. While it is her dream to be a great teacher I can understand that this is a real wake up call for her that she is actually becoming a mature adult with an actual career. This summer she will also be leaving for Costa Rica for three months for study abroad program. I can imagine how terrifying this can be especially when you have never been so far away from those you love including your family, friends, and boyfriend. Her mother called me (covertly) and told me she would be very surprised if this is the end because she has told her even after we broke up that she loves me. Her mother believes this is all just a way to create distance from me so she can handle her travel away from home better. One thing that has certainly been pounding in my head is "Why?" why such a sudden realization that this is what she feels the need to do? I do know that she, as required for one of her college courses, is required to visit a counselor once a week for five weeks just so she as a future teacher understands the counseling process. I know that they had talked about our relationship. When asking her a couple weeks ago what they were talking about pertaining to our relationship she simply replied in her usually spunky character, "haha nothing we are just talking". So I didn't think anything of it. Now, however, I believe that the conversation with her counselor on that Thursday was what had sparked this whole change. Then, as I think you guys would agree, I am sure her room mates were quick to encourage her to be single with them, to live life and have fun and not to worry about it because she is a "kid" and she is in college. I would not be angered if this was the case. I would have simply enjoyed the opportunity to discuss our issues in person and maybe even see a couples counselor as a means of figuring out where we should go from that point. So in some respect, I feel as if I have been stabbed and that my feelings and respect for her have not been taken into account.TEM, I love the way you articulated describing her position; "A Crossroads". I totally see this and I am hurt to know and see that there is confusion and little peace in her life. I agree that I have changed. Over the past few years so has she, so have each and everyone of you. It is simple human nature to grow and change. Things that have changed about me, from the point that she met me, have been all positive changes. I have not become disrespectful, pessimistic, or sour. Actually I have become the contrary. When she came into my life I was in desperate need of someone I could trust and believe in. She allowed me to create a vision for myself and my future. Yes, as my ex noted, we no longer had so many things in common. In some sense our relationship had become dull and stale. To me though, that is not because of my change that is because of our demanding schedules and the fact that we both have two different career paths-her in teaching and me in business. Although I would have loved to do new and exciting things together like go dancing, have picnics, and see shows and stuff I simply feel like she was never open to the idea of doing anything. The most important thing in her life right now is her G.P.A... for me, up to this point, the most important thing to me was her and a business that I own. Since she has left me I have decided to get a simple job punching the clock (actually have an interview today! (:...) because I have realized that I have neglected to really dig deep down into her heart on a daily basis. You guys are great! I do want to am going to give her time. How long is the questions. I think two maybe three weeks. But one thing I do not want to do is play Mr. Harda** and act like I don't love her and that I am over it and looking to find new love. I am not that kinda guy. I do want her to know what she has meant to me but at the same time I dont want to come off as desperate and make her think that I will always take her back. People want what they cant have. Even though I would not take her back until she returns this summer I would simply like the opportunity to share a moment of level mindedness with her for we can communicate our feelings. I know she still cars about me but I dont know if she "loves" me... what is love anyways? LOLToday is a good day... footprint in sand story. I have faith!Thanks!P.S. So I have been saving up money so I could surprise her and visit her this summer in Costa Rica and I have over enough saved up and budgeted for it. Question is, should I wait to see if maybe we get back together or should I go out and buy myself a new computer?
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (24 March 2011):
After so much time it seems odd that she would suddenly break up with you. Usually, in a serious relationship, things are bad for a while leading to the breakup.
What I think is that the young lady is at a crossroad. She is finishing up her education in preparation for a life in her chosen profession. In other words, she is getting serious about life and what she wants out of it.
I do not know how you have changed, but however it was, I think it has caused her to re-examine your relationship. I do think she loves you, however, and the relationship worked well while you were both (or perhaps just she?) students.
Is it possible she is now thinking of you in terms of being a life partner, and that possibly you want different things out of life? What did you do to change her thinking towards you? Why has she suddenly decided you are not the one for her?
I think leaving her alone for a little bit is a good idea, followed by a card. I would wait quite so long, but that is up to you. In the card ask her to meet for a talk. Tell her you need resolution. Be prepared to talk seriously. If you both love each other you may be able to work out your differences, but there will have to be compromise. Give some thought as to what those differences are before you see her.
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male
reader, Drew21 +, writes (24 March 2011):
I would have to ask: how old was she?
Says you are between 18-21... 4.5 years implies that you may have been 14-17 at the time..
A lot of maturing can happen in 4.5 years at that age. A lot can change.
That's a LONG time to be together at that age, nearly an eternity. She may have decided she needed to try some new things.. It's pretty natural at that age for people to do. Settling down early is considered by many to be a big mistake.
I think in this instance I would just not even try to contact her... Give her time and space to sort things out.
You may be surprised to learn that eventually she decides her feelings for you really were true and she'll come back.
You may also find that she moves on.
The main thing to remember is that you're young. Take this as a chance to live a little. Find out who YOU really are as a person and what you want in life and in a relationship.
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