A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm fairly attractive, intelligent, work in the corporate world, and have been married for 15, 5 years, with my husband for 18 years, and we have a 15 year old daughter. His libido has always been very low, getting lower as the years go by, and he never initiates sex. If I comment that we haven't done it in ages, then we agree to wake up early the next day and do it, but if I don't set the alarm clock, wake him and make tea first, then nothing happens. This makes me feel unwanted and unattractive, and were it not for the odd guy trying to chat me up at parties / pubs etc (becos when we do go out, hubby is often sitting one side with his friends so I probably look single), I think I would have no self-esteem. He has a highly stressed job and comes home and "switches off", i.e. watches TV and waits for supper to be served, which irritates me because I also work full-day. Wouldn't even mind this so much if he paid me attention, or listened when I chat. The only time we seem to have conversations is when it is about his work / day / family etc. If I then start talking about something to do with me, his eyes glaze over and he starts watching tv or picks up the paper. I've had angry outbursts about this behaviour and he just says sorry, but then the next day he's doing it again. Over the years we've had issues: 10 years ago he had an affair for a year but then came back to me, I wanted him back then because our daughter was only 2 yrs and we were battling a bit financialy. Over the years he's gone on "boys nights out" every now and then, sometimes only coming home in the early hours of the morning, but I don't think there's other women (mainly because he has such a low libido). Apart from that we finally bought our own home 5 years ago, are now financially stable, have friends and a reasonable social life, we live in harmony most of the time, but I feel that we are just co-habitants. If I try talk to him about how I feel, he tells me to stop looking for problems, to stop thinking so much, that he does love me and things would be better if I didn't make issues out of things. I always respond that he is in a comfort zone, he doesn't want sex really, or an emotional relationship with a woman, so he's happy with the status quo. I am the one trying to change things for the better. For the past 5 years I've often suggested to him that we quietly get divorced, continue living in our home so that we don't lose out financially, but we will then both be free to find other, more compatible partners (such as him finding a low-libido woman who probably doesn't work so will put up with his lack of affection / attention, just so long as she is supported), and I can look for an emotionally intelligent, less patriarchal, modern guy who WANTS to have a woman share his life. My husband always acts like I'm being ridiculous when I say this, and tells me I'm causing stress at home, as I often end up talking when my daughter is around, because hubby dearest doesn't want to discuss "my issues" so I end up talking while the tv is on, and she is also in the lounge. A lot of the time I say "did you HEAR what I said? WHAT did I say?" and most of the time he hasn't got a clue becos he wasn't listening, but he'll still have a guess and it's 98% time wrong, which then infuriates and hurts me, as to me it is a sign that he really doesn't care. I happened to bump into an ex-boyfriend from 20 years back, the other day, with whom I had a wonderful, passionate, emotional, relationship, but we split because he went overseas for work. We both then met other people and he's been happily married for 18 years, longer than me, and he mentioned that him and his wife have sex approx 5x per week and are very happy. I alluded to my situation and he said that I was mad to stay in such a relationship and I should get out and find someone who will treat me better. Yet if I suggest divorce to my husband he acts like I'm joking and does not take me seriously. I have never wanted to get divorced becos of my daughter, and also because it took me and husband ages to finally get settled financially, and financially divorce would be a backwards move. I took up a sport which took me away from home a lot in the weekend but it didn't bug him in the slightest that I was away, unless it was over mealtimes and he had to fend for himself. But I'm 47 now and don't know if I should tell people I am separated and start dating discreetly via, say internet web sites, or whether I should just sue him for divorce. I just don't believe him anymore when he promises to make an effort, to listen to me and to "bonk" more, he usually says "well we must just be more loving" when I complain about the lack of intimacy in our life, and I respond that it is HE who must be more loving. In the early days I often used to initiate intimacy, most times he wasn't interested, so eventually I stopped - because from past experience with ex boyfriends etc, it's usually the MAN who wants sex, and initiates it, so I feel strange doing it. My friend's hubby has a high libido and wants sex at least every second night, he is a good looking guy and she is just average, but whenever she wants something, all she has to do is promise him sex EVERY night for a few days, for example, and she gets the thing she wants. I do not HAVE this lever, my husband would probably run a mile if I suggested sex every night. He witholds it from me, not the other way round, so it makes me feel unwanted and very lonely. SHOULD I LEAVE HIM? How do I get him to take me seriously when I raise these issues with him? Is he likely to ever change enough to make me happy? I have told him I don't think he CAN change, or WANTS to change that much, so we should just accept that from a marriage point of view we are not compatible, but he just chuckles when I say this like I'm telling a joke. What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (30 March 2011):
 Your husband is being selfish and clearly not listening to you.
But you do not need his permission to get divorced.
Your needs cannot be met by your husband because of his libido and lack of attention.
It is no life to live in misery, your child is not stupid, I am sure that your daughter loves you very much and wants to see you happy. She can still have a parents but in separate houses.
If you do want the divorce, you can no longer share the house. It may be better financially but it will be confusing emotionally for all three of you.
Plan what you want to do and serve him with divorce papers, then he will take you seriously
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? I had this situation, and though it is not an easy thing to begin to unravel, it is harder to look oneself in the eye each day and know in one's heart that one is unwanted and undesirable... to the person who promised to step up and take care of your emotional needs. Monogamy isn't for everyone. But those who choose it - and I'm betting no one forced hubby to walk down the aisle - should accept the responsibilities of love, honor and cherish or allow someone else the honor to do so.I am getting out, and allowing someone who loves me the way I want to be loved to find me. I owe myself that opportunity, and I think you do too.
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