A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm 35 and not married. I feel like Bridget Jones. I'm tall, slim, attractive with blond hair and intelligent - have an amazing job, well paid and lots of friends. I have no idea what the secret to finding a man and having a long lasting relationship is...I date lots of men, but nothing leads to marriage.Is there a real answer to this question? I look about 26/27 years old and am attreacted to younger men as a result.I find that either I like men and they give me mixed signals for ages and then I give up and lose interest or they come on far too keen and turn me off.Also there are few men I am physically attracted to in the first place and I have lots of married men after me, who I am not interested in.How does one get out of the rut of being single at 35 and find marriage? I honestly have no clue. My parents think I am a failure but I have no idea how to get married. Its like the one thing I was never taught by my parents and a secret every other girl seems to know... Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (18 March 2008):
 I am the 37yr old male who the original poster replies to.
Sorry if I was too harsh, I just try to be blunt because you asked for advice, not a shoulder to cry on. No insult was intended, but I might have made a mistake by being to personal. To be clear, I used a mental image of you that was based on nothing more then "blond, careerwoman" to illustrate my answer. Turned you into a yuppie conservative voter for no other reason then to make my point. A bit cheap, but it seems you understood and accept my basic message, so it worked, please ignore any insult you might have felt for me describing you wrong.
I was not attacking how you described yourselve physically, but wanted to point out that it doesn't matter and might even work against you. Looks == Sex, Personality == Marriage. It is mean to have to say it, but a male your age, as you accept, can get younger women. Purely based on looks you are not just fishing in a small pool of single men who want to marry, but competing against fresher bait. Harsh yes, but it is the truth.
With imperfections I meant a physical one, Julia Roberts large mouth for instance. Sorry, but my mental image of you was getting in the way again. There is such a thing as being too beautifull/perfect. How many men upon seeing you instantly put you onto the "not a chance in hell" list?
Your two personalities are simple enough. When it comes to your career you are succesful and that breads confidence. Relationships are a disaster so you have no confidence.
You say you are not in a rut, I think this is a bit of a language problem, english ain't my first language. I don't mean that you are not socially active, but rather, that you are stuck in one social circle that is wrong for you to find someone. If I am fishing for tuna I can fish all I want in the biggest widest deepest richest salmon river as long as I want, I won't catch any tuna.
Is your dating scene the right one for finding potential partners? You say it yourselve, you have male friends who are too young and mutually not intrested. Might be a fun social circle, but not the right one for finding a ring. You want to party, that is your choice BUT you may not be able to do combine being a party animal with being a wife and future mom.
Lets project myself into this answer again, I was a teen geek/nerd into computers, gaming etc etc. Dungeons & Dragons back then, lots of fun, lots of friends, no girls, the one or two that were there were NOT there to look for boys, and anyway had better ones to choose from. What would you suggest to this teen boy? Go do something else, even give up some D&D nights to do stuff where girls are like clubbing?
Well same to you 20 years later. Give up some clubbing and go were the single males looking for wives are. Where that is...eh, no idea. Sorry but I am willing to bet good money it ain't in the clubbing scene. Online dating might be a way.
You want a hubby and kids and you want to party. Well I wanted to play D&D and loose my virginity, guess how well that worked?
You sound like a fun attractive woman who enjoys her life, but for someone reason marriage does not happen, that is why I asked, do you really want to? Well, you answered that with a yes. Although you still do NOT mention love. You ask wether it is a crime to want a husband and kids, well back to you, is it a crime not too? Because while clubbing might not be the best way to find a husband, you can sure as well kiss it goodbye when you become pregnant and have kids. It is one or the other, party or family. Not both. and no, I am not saying you can't have fun anymore just that to have one, you will have to do less of the other.
With a rut I meant, stuck in a routine.
You say that before you knew it you turned from 25 to 35. Well, we all feel like that, life goes by WAY to fast, especially when you are having fun.
But you sound the tiniest bit bitter that part of that life was wasted on guys who weren't intrested after all. I am going to make another wild assumption here, be ready for some harsh words again.
Have you ever read one of those posts about a "nice" guy asking why all the women go for bad boys and the nice guy finishes last? Could you be one of those women? One explenation by women for their behaviour is that they want the fun guys, not the boring ones and that the fun ones being bad is just something they live with. A lot of women claim that they want the bad guys when they are young but when they are old (well they say older, but lets be real) want to settle down with the good guys. Problem, the good guys by then are gone OR can afford to get younger girls. Why should a 40 yr old nice guy settle for a 40 yr old woman who never gave him the time of day before?
Could it be that you spend all those years with "bad boys" who loved to party like you did while the "nice guys" went ignored and married other women or turned into players themselves? If you look at your female friends who married, did you actually ever think of any of their busbands, "mmm, yeah I would like a copy of that one"? Or were you the bridesmaid having it off with the grooms family blacksheep?
You say you try to be honest with men, if you are not intrested you tell him and do not string him along, but they do that with you. Classic bad boy behaviour I am afraid.
Pure speculation on wether this is the case BUT there is another reason I think you may be a victim of the bad boys.
What still puzzles me is your dating ritual or however you want to call it. You are not intrested in a man, then ------ , you fall for them and they loose intrest. What puzzles me is what is missing. What goes on between you not being intrested and you falling for them? Again the bad guy comes into play, what they are very good at (I got a "bad boy" friend and observed him do this many times) is to keep on paying attention to a woman till he grinds her down/wins her over. It amazing to watch him at work, but this is BAD boy behaviour.
Nice guys worry to much about wether a girl likes them. What is also missing from your description of your love life is "I liked this guy on my own". Have you ever fallen for a guy who was not seducing you?
A bad boy would hit on you till you fall for him, then string you along until he got bored of you. Sound familiar?
I have no idea were to meet nice guys apart from suggesting as others have to hit online dating agencies. I know okcupid.com uses some intresting methods as I know on the people behind their algorithm. It is free, not sure if it is a good one, but I recommend trying their matching service as a way to see how each social answer you give limits your dating pool. For instance, if you are homophobic, bi-sexuals will not match with you even for hetero relations.
As for knowing any singles. Well that rather proofs my point about the shallow pool. Only two come to mind, one runs online pay-sites and cruises the beaches in summer to look for young girls willing to do X for $. The other, divorced, one kid he doesn't see, find his details under scew-up in the dictionary. He lives in student house at 45 and still can't pay the bills. Nice guy, but not someone I recommend, anyway, he doesn't speak english. He was together recently with a girl who just graduated from uni (don't know her exact age but the words "cradle robbing" kept coming to mind).
Not that it matters, if your taste in men simply keeps leading you to guys who are players you will end up single as before. What are you doing wrong? You are dating the wrong type of guys. So, why do you keep going for the bad boys who only want you for one thing?
They do NOT loose intrest in you when you fall for them. They NEVER had an intrest beyond getting you into bed. Once that is done, it is mission accomplished onto the next target.
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (17 March 2008):
 Well, anonymous 37 year old male reader, you got a response to your advice, twice even, LOL...I think i'll let you two carry on, have fun, and good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, the 37-year-old anonymous male had harsh words for me. However, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond....In fact, it is always more valuable to get the feedback from the sex you are trying to attract.Let me try and answer your queries:Firstly, the only reason I described my appearance was so that you realised the reason I was struggling was not a direct result of looks, in the sense that if it was i could start going to the gym/buy new clothes/have a makeover...which would be far easier than having to work out what is wrong wih my personality:)Yes, I do have imperfections: many. For example, I tend to not be interested in men at the beginning and then when I do fall fopr them, they lose interest and then I get really depressed so its almost like I have two personalities1) a confident, cool career woman and2) a psycho, depressed, insecure womanAnd...I do not understand why this is: why, one minute I am exceptionally confident and happy and the next completely insecure and analytical. I am sure this is a wekaness. In the past when men have dumped me after long relationships, I have been depressed for months and it has taken me ages to recover...I try to be honest with men so for example if one is interested in me, and I am not, I try not to lead him on and make it clear...whereas in my case, I have wasted years texting men and phonin them thinking they are interested only to find out they are not and that angers me that they have wasted my time....because it is each of those years or two years that I have wasted (I tend to focus on one guy at a time) that has brought me up to the age of 35...Actually, I have very left wing views and I go clubbing at leats twice a week: dress young and have younger friends as well as older...I behave like a 25 year old more than 25 year old...My male friends are often single, just friends though as mutually we are not interested in each other....I know what you are saying about older men being able to get younger women and yes, that is true so I guess I have more edge with an older man, say 40 plus as I appear younger and so could be considered a catch by him, more than say by a 25 year old...so yes maybe should be fishin more in my age group...I am not in a rut socially, without giving too much away about mysepf I am british, but have recently moved overseas and am working overseas (actually it was to escape the inevitable: all my British female friends getting married and having children and having noone to party with) so I am living in a buzzing city and making new friends....its just that I would quite like to get married (yes, I do have a cat) and also have children ....is that such a crime? I just know that when we were in our 20s my female friends were much better at catching men than I was; I guess i focused on my career and on friends and just assumed I would get married: I never thought I would reach 35 and not be...when I was 25 I used to look at women who were single at 35 and wonder why they hadnt joined a dating agency or something...I never realised how easy it is to slip through life and end up as single at 35...it honestly means there is nothing wrong with you...you've just been busy and ended up here...maybe you have some 37 + year old single friends I should meet?:)_
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, the 37-year-old anonymous male had harsh words for me. However, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond....In fact, it is always more valuable to get the feedback from the sex you are trying to attract.Let me try and answer your queries:Firstly, the only reason I described my appearance was so that you realised the reason I was struggling was not a direct result of looks, in the sense that if it was i could start going to the gym/buy new clothes/have a makeover...which would be far easier than having to work out what is wrong wih my personality:)Yes, I do have imperfections: many. For example, I tend to not be interested in men at the beginning and then when I do fall fopr them, they lose interest and then I get really depressed so its almost like I have two personalities1) a confident, cool career woman and2) a psycho, depressed, insecure womanAnd...I do not understand why this is: why, one minute I am exceptionally confident and happy and the next completely insecure and analytical. I am sure this is a wekaness. In the past when men have dumped me after long relationships, I have been depressed for months and it has taken me ages to recover...I try to be honest with men so for example if one is interested in me, and I am not, I try not to lead him on and make it clear...whereas in my case, I have wasted years texting men and phonin them thinking they are interested only to find out they are not and that angers me that they have wasted my time....because it is each of those years or two years that I have wasted (I tend to focus on one guy at a time) that has brought me up to the age of 35...Actually, I have very left wing views and I go clubbing at leats twice a week: dress young and have younger friends as well as older...I behave like a 25 year old more than 25 year old...My male friends are often single, just friends though as mutually we are not interested in each other....I know what you are saying about older men being able to get younger women and yes, that is true so I guess I have more edge with an older man, say 40 plus as I appear younger and so could be considered a catch by him, more than say by a 25 year old...so yes maybe should be fishin more in my age group...I am not in a rut socially, without giving too much away about mysepf I am british, but have recently moved overseas and am working overseas (actually it was to escape the inevitable: all my British female friends getting married and having children and having noone to party with) so I am living in a buzzing city and making new friends....its just that I would quite like to get married (yes, I do have a cat) and also have children ....is that such a crime? I just know that when we were in our 20s my female friends were much better at catching men than I was; I guess i focused on my career and on friends and just assumed I would get married: I never thought I would reach 35 and not be...when I was 25 I used to look at women who were single at 35 and wonder why they hadnt joined a dating agency or something...I never realised how easy it is to slip through life and end up as single at 35...it honestly means there is nothing wrong with you...you've just been busy and ended up here...maybe you have some 37 + year old single friends I should meet?:)_
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): Mmmm, well I am 37, near your age, so how would I be attracted to you.
Well, first off, we would have to meet. One problem with getting older is that you do indeed get stuck in a rut and if that rut doesn't contain any bachelors then you need to get out of that rut to find any.
Break your routine and go where the men are. Yes you say you have lots of friends, but are all these friends either female or already taken or gay? Make new friends. Go to a different pub, a new gym etc etc.
You say you are tall, slim, blond, intelligent etc etc. The perfect woman that any man would kill for. No you ain't because no man has killed for you yet. You say it yourselve, married man looking for a fling find you hot enough for sex, but single man steer well clear.
So what is the negative aspect off you? Having NONE, would be a major one. The most beautifull women are women with an imperfect feature. What is your weakness, the thing that makes you from a sex goddess into a potential wife?
How tall are you? As tall as most men and still wear heels? That would instantly elimenate countless short men. Remember, being beautifull ain't what is needed, there are countless happily married ugly people. What is needed is that the other person when they encounter you think, "yes, I like her" AND "I think I stand a chance with her".
Note that I am not talking about that stupid miranda crap, that is only if you want to hook a loser. Presumably you wouldn't want a partner who is your equal at least not a toyboy.
Do a site like okcupid.org just to see how each part of your life style eliminated huge amounts of people from your potential. I for instance find that because I am too the left of a lot of issues I for some reason only seem to match with women below 25. Women closer to my age, like you, come up as high as 50% enemy. This is important to remember, you are more your own person now then when you were 18 and as such a lot of people just won't do as potential partners. You and I for instance would most likely hang out in totally different social circles. So while there are plenty of available men, they might not be the right ones for you.
The simple problem in your case might be that you are fishing in the wrong pool. Why would a man of your age, financially well off go for a women your age even if she looks younger when he can easily use his success to land a REAL young woman? You are attracted to younger men, well so are men and men can easily get younger women if they are succesfull. This is something called the switch, when young it is women who control the sex and the ones in demand. When men age and become succesfull, they are the ones in demand. A beautifull young woman can get any man she wants (unlikely to be a fat old poor guy) A succesfull man can get any woman he wants (unlikely to be an older woman). Sexist? Yup, but you know it is true.
Expand your social circle to include more potential mates, re-examine what you are REALLY looking for (and what you are prepared to settle for) and adjust accordingly.
Also, what do you want? If the guy gives mixed signals, you loose interest and if they come on to you, they turn you off? Damned if they do, damned if they don't? Do you really want a relationship or do you just feel that you have to be married? It is okay to be single, if you are happy that is what counts, don't let other presure you into how you should lead your life.
It don't sound like you are a wallflower, you date a lot, so what goes 'wrong'? Don't any of them do it for you? Do they loose intrest? You say you date lots of men, but nothing leads to marriage. What is the missing word? Date - Love - Marriage. Do you even make friends with any of these guys? Don't you think either love or friendship is needed before even thinking about marriage?
You really sound like a woman who is perfectly happy on her own but feels that she should be married because that is what the world expects. Well, screw the world. Get a pet a ton of icecream and a vibrator. Unending love, plenty of fullfilment and all the sex you can handle. Remember when married people insist that you should get married, "misery loves company".
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (15 March 2008):
Nicely put, Goth girl. I Agree with you on the online thing and with the other. :) xx
...............................
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (15 March 2008):
 I think the online thing is a good idea. Good luck! And I don't believe that you need some stupid Miranda complex to hook a man!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (15 March 2008):
Me again, hello :)Good call, but in my opinion, the older men are not necessarily harder to find. Men round about the ages of 30 - 40 are sometimes the divorced or seperated ones. They are the ones looking for real true love the 2nd or even 3rd time round, because they were too young and perhaps rushed in to marriage before.Also they are more than likely the ones that will make a better effort, and are more serious about making a new commitment. Like most of us have said in earlier messages, your man will find you when you least expect it.BigSis xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (15 March 2008):
 Men are afraid of women high flyer...
http://www.pinksuzie.com/2007/10/08/why-men-dont-prefer-women-high-flyers/
and modern day women need to have the Mirinda complex to hook their partners...
http://www.pinksuzie.com/2007/10/07/the-modern-women-and-the-miranda-complex/
If you are interested, this is my take on this problem;-
http://www.pinksuzie.com/2007/07/22/how-not-to-end-up-single-part-1/
http://www.pinksuzie.com/2007/07/22/how-not-to-end-up-single-part-2-final/
http://laura1318.wordpress.com/2007/10/22/why-successful-attractive-women-are-scary-to-men/
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, many thanks. It sounds like from what you are all saying that I need to take things slowly, come across as casual and play hard to get whenever I do meet someone rather than appearing ready for a serious relationship. I completely agree that I should go for 35 year olds rather than 25 year olds; the problem is they are much harder to find....Many of them are married and you are less likely to bump into one standing in a bar...I guess I could try online dating...Anyway, if anyone else has any suggestions on this, please let me know.
...............................
A
female
reader, honestheart +, writes (15 March 2008):
You seem desperate for love and men can detect that. Many men would be thankful to find someone like you but if you're good looking and know it, men know this and will find you intimidating. Just relax, be yourself and stop worrying about men. I did, my man came to me and we're now married!
...............................
A
male
reader, Paladin +, writes (15 March 2008):
 sometimes people seem to miss the obvious. You said you have a great job and your well paid. You also said you typically date younger men. with that in mind you need to realize that to younger men that just might be a little intimidating. They may feel that fun time wiht you is one thing but a lasting relationship might be too challenging. Most men in their young twenties are just finding themselves and hoping they will land a decent job and wondering their their careers wil wind up. You on the other hand seem to be wuite established and of course that is a good thing. By the way this has nothing to do with the male/female ego stuff. Its just a matter of where people are at certain ages. If you were 45 and dating a 35 year old it probably wouldn't matter but when your 35 dating a 25 year old it just may. I suspect that if you keep doing what your doing and have fun along the way you will meet that special person and get married. Who knows you just might find a 35 year guy that looks young like you and then a maturit levels will hopefully match better. In no way do I think your a failure, Quite the opposite, you have a great job and are clearly secure in your world. You simply haven't met the man of your dreams and that just doesn't happen on a set time schedule.
...............................
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (15 March 2008):
I'm not really in a position to pass judgement on your parents, but to say that you are a failure is a little too below the belt in my opinion. In hearing that from your parents, it's no wonder you are feeling down, and it's obviously given you a huge complex.
What you must know is this; please don't believe you you're a failure, so you must get that idea out of your head right away.
Just 'go with the flow'. Enjoy going out with friends, have fun in your social circle. Try hard to forget about marriage if you can, and I assure you when the time is right, 'he'll' find you, and it will happen when you least expect it.
There is someone for everyone out there.
Good luck hon. xx
...............................
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (15 March 2008):
 I agree with thatgothgirl20 that you are not a failure. You need to believe this deep down because I would guess that you are emitting this feeling to potential suitors and they are running scared.
The pool of guys out there is vast and these days you don't need to date men older than you. When you do find someone you are interested in, remain casual and make them work for your attention. They will appreciate you more for it and then, take it from there.
The love bug will find you when you least expect it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): well if you're going for guys in their mid 20's, alot of them probably arn't ready to settle down.
What I'd suggest doing would be to find a guy you're age or close who you find attractive and ry to work something out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): i really dont know what to tell you. i'm almost 19 and never even had a boyfriend. I'm at college doing what i always dreamt of doing, i'm outgoing, friendly, not really pretty, but fit and quite smart.
i dont think marriage is the most important though... it's just the fact of being alone and not in a relationship. and by the age of 35 i'd imagine most relations to be quite solid, since "adults" know what they want from life already...
...............................
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (14 March 2008):
You are not a failure for not being married yet. This is the modern times, not the 1950's!!! And even then I wouldn't call you a failure if you were this age and single back then.
Go for the ones that seem really into you, but make sure to distance yourself, so hopefully they will get the hint that even though you are interested, you want to take things slowly.
...............................
|
