A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, Ill try to be brief, list the facts and ask the question*I got out of my first and only relationship (so far) about a year ago, I had the toughest time moving on and even became depressed until I met him, I think I'm 80% healed, I think about my ex still but in a different way now... I am falling really hard for my bf now...*I moved to the opposite side of the country and have not made any friends my age or with similar interests, I might be 24 but I struggle to find quality friends or even friends that are not too immature!*I went out on a date with a guy from my gym (my now bf)2 weeks ago, we kissed on the first date and held hands for most of the night,he next day (Saturday)we hung out and his son (10 yrs old) saw us kissing and asking him if I was his girlfriend, he said yes and we talked about it, so I am his girlfriend. *We haven't slept together necessarily but we have slept in the same bed and have fooled around naked and he actually got off during one of the times.*He's 34 I'm 24. I have no problem with age but I have felt a bit uncomfortable with the looks that we get sometimes and I know he feels uncomfortable too.*I got introduced to his grandmother, mother, father and brother as his girlfriend. He has an AMAZING relationship with his ex girlfriend (mother of his son), I even have a good relationship with her, we go to their son's baseball games and we sit together while he coaches them*We share a lot of interests, we both love the exercising and being active, we share very similar music tastes (not 100% but pretty similar), we like to go vintage shopping (though, we haven't done that together), he loves a woman that's feminine and I AM IN LOVE WITH BEING A WOMAN AND LOVE dressing up whenever I can, I love that about us!4)The fist 3 days he constantly texted me and was super loving, now I barely hear from him but we spend most evenings together...5)I'm used to cooking and taking care of a guy but he doesn't usually let me, Ill tell him I'm cooking and he ends up taking care of dinner (it's nice but why doesn't he want me to?)Issues:1)his son asked me how old I was and he stated his dad's age during a family's trip last weekend... I don't think the family knew how old I was and the dad got a bit ... weird after learning my age2)He grows extremely cold with me when his ex is around, for instance, he took off talking with her about their son yesterday after his game and I was left walking in the field behind them... that was odd and I felt a bit annoyed as I felt like a kid that walks behind her parents... His ex is married now and has 2 kids with her husband3)His son seems to like me a lot! but he has an issue when we are alone, he constantly asks us to stop kissing and sometimes will be checking up on us... which makes him turn his attention to his son, I understand that he is a dad and I have to share attention but how can I deal with that?4)He's struggling with money right (the economy over here sucks! for everyone! not just him) now but he's a good worker and is up for a promotion in a month and BY NO MEANS do I expect him to buy me things or anything like that but he asked me if I could help him pay for dinner last week and something about it just felt a bit odd, I'mQuestion:What is going on?Why the cold/hot?Is he not interested in me anymore? we havent had sex but the fact that he got off as enough for him to be done?Can I do something to keep him interested (given that the sex part is gone?)What can I expect from dating a guy 10 yrs older than me?How can I ease the insecurities of our age difference? (i.e am I too young? do I not understand things his way?, etc)I am trying to be understanding of all the issues around him, work, son, family, money etc but I guess I'm questioning if I'm not mature enough, understanding enough, healed enough... Is it me? is it him? how can I address him without becoming a drag? but being a loving girlfriend?I am trying to go camping with a friend and her boyfriend this weekend so I can let him some room to breathe, should I stop contacting him? I have let him know that he means a lot to me, was that a mistake?, I never said I loved him because I don't want to freak him out and I don't know that I'm in love but I'm developing SUPER strong feelings for him, I am starting to even develop a motherly sense for his son.HELP!!! PLEASE! I care for him so much
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): I think you should say all this to him that you feel like you are losing him (put it like that when telling him). It could be a number of things, like for example if you two are not sexually active he may expect you both to be so, maybe the exciting phase of the first few weeks of being together is wearing off that often happens as two people feel they know each other and a routine has formed. In that case try to spice up your routine a bit or maybe you are both spending too much time together, in that case go out with friends arrange a girly day/night that way your focus isn't always on him and he can feel like he has some space. Or he may be losing interest. We can't say what exactly is going through his head, you need to address this problem with him in a non confrontational way.
Just say something as simple as "are you happy?"... "it just seems like things have changed between us"...."if you were unhappy I'd want you to tell me so that I can help fix whatever is bothering you, especially if it is me". Don't make it out that HE is be cold to you or that HE is not pulling his weight in the relationship. By saying it like I told you to that makes it look like you want to be supportive through any difficult time he is going through or that you want to make him happy.
As for checking out other girls let me tell you EVERY guy does it whether they have a girlfriend or not, some have just perfected the art of being subtle. Of course it doesn't mean its right, so next time you catch him doing it. laugh in a joke kinda way say " caught ya!" he'll be all like "what ?!?!" If that doesn't work then thats just who he is, so play him at his own game and be like" whoa!! he is so hot!!" It doesn't necessarily mean that he is going to act on it.
Just relax more,don't be so obsessed by him make sure you have your own life where you do things that doesn't involve him and definitely DO NOT COMPARE TO THE EX otherwise this guy will stand no chance with you. The ex had his faults to that you couldn't live with, maybe this guy will too, they might be different faults, but judge him on his own character not the ex's. But the only way to find out what is bugging him is to talk. If two people cannot talk in a relationship, then its not a healthy relationship, then what is the point of the relationship in the first place.
Good luck.x
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 June 2012):
 It is very difficult to grasp what the problem could be, if there is any. I can't really give you an answer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again,
Here comes my newest set of questions... I am really troubled now...
So the other day we went to the gym together but he didn't even wait for me he started walking fast to get to the door... It almost made me feel like "what is the rush???, does he not want to been with me?", granted all his male friends are there and we never really talked during busy hours at the gym, we would talk briefly and when the gym was mostly empty... i HATE FEELING like I am making excuses for his behaviour! but I did catch him checking out a girl at the gym when she was getting in her car ugh!... and I think, I've seen him starting at other girls at other times... but I'm not sure and I don't dare to confront him about it just yet or know if I should even do that!
Anywyas, so he rushed to the entrance and I had forgotten my gym key, so then the alarm started beeping and I asked him if he had his key and could ring me in so the alarm would stop beeping, the alarm stopped but all he said was "I've got my key" and didn't even try to make the alarm stop.
Then, sometimes when we are at the gym he doesn't even look at me! I know and i myself feel embarrased to be all "kissy kissy" at the gym (specially because there are more guys than girls at this gym and most guys are his friends) but all I want is a quick kiss (is that too much?... maybe?... most guys are all bodybuilders... which might make him even more "nervous" about a kiss????)
Also my car broke down the other day and he was busy with his son's game so all he replied was "sorry babe" he didn't even ask me if I was okay... which hurt me a bit... and yesterday he tried to help me fix my car but gave up somewhat easily, no I don't expect him to have all fixed up but I coudln't resist comparing him to my ex whom would've done a bit more throughly and would've dropped literally anything he was doing to go see me and at least keep me company ... I know my ex doesn't have the same responsibilites but all I wanted was to hear "are you ok?", ... I gotta admit that he did text after his son's game and offer to help me with the car after his son's game was over.
Well, then he's not as sweet as he used to be but he does try to stay in touch with me...
but I can put all that aside, ( the checking out girls does keep making me worry though) BUT the thing that worries me the most and I can't seem to brush off is that sometimes when I try to kiss him he gives me his cheek instead of a real kiss... the other day he said it was because he had tobacco chew but other days he seems to be offer me his cheek more than a kiss (and I can't check if it's really tobacco or what?) and he doesn't touch me as much as he used to... before he couldn't get his hands off of me... lately he barely touches me, we were together last week (if that details helps any bit)
Should i talk to him about it? could it be that he is stressed about something and being a guy doesn't want to tell me?, I also don't want to be the nagging girlfriend so early in the relationship! (not even a month)
Where do I separate my own doubts from reality?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2012): I also forgot to say that the age difference shouldn't be a problem, provided BOTH of YOU are ok with it and you want the same things in life. Ask him during your talk if he is ok with the age as well, then don't worry about what anybody else thinks their opinion doesn't matter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2012): Hi I am really glad to hear that you have moved on from your ex, good for you!!
From reading your post it sounds like its still early days with this one, plus you are just getting over your ex. Therefore you are going to be worrying about every detail with this new relationship, thats only natural. I did date a guy 9 years older than me, but it didn't last because we wanted different things.
My advice here is to sit down and talk to him, tell him you want to do something nice for him by cooking him dinner to show how much you appreciate him. Its usually the case with older guys that they take the lead, unless they are just immature for their age, thats how it was with the guy I dated he planned things and took it for granted that was what I wanted too.
You need to show you are capable of taking the reins now and again. So suggest that you cook dinner, have a nice romantic night and tell him how you feel about him discuss it all and be confident, this guy is 34 so he wants a mature confident woman who knows what she wants and speaks her mind. I wouldn't say the L word yet, its too early for you in my opinion but you can tell him how much you like him and that you're happy being his girlfriend and being part of his life and how great his son is...etc..
As for the sex, it's whenever you feel ready, once he's not putting pressure on you. If you feel that you want to then talk it through with him. Its also no harm contributing to meals out or dates if money is tight for him provided he contributes something. As for his son, treat him just as any other kid, he is not your son and he has a mother, that way the nobody crosses boundaries and everybody can get along. just show an interest in his life, like how he's doing at baseball or whatever.
His son and ex are ALWAYS going to be part of his life through good and bad times, and if you have any doubts about whether you can accept that or not then BAIL now. He is always going to have a bond with the mother of his child, so my advice there is to really befriend her and don't get involved in decisions to do with their son, its too messy. That could be the bond you pick up on, it could be nothing serious just suss it out.
Now you feel that he is distant with you, it is possible that he felt under pressure to introduce you as his girlfriend, but you won't know until you sit down and ask him, don't be confrontational about it though, be understanding. Do talk to him over the dinner that YOU have prepared its the only way to sort it out, before it escalates. You are just getting over your ex and you don't need any more grief, so talk things through with him before you get even more involved. Hopefully after the talk you will have an idea how he feel and where the relationship is going.
I hoped that was some help, if you need any more advice you can PM me.
Good luck.x
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (25 May 2012):
There are a few things that I don't quite understand, and what I mean is exactly that: I don't quite understand them.
I don't think many 34 year old divorced men would not have sex with a 24 year old if there were nothing to prevent it. There can be a reason that's perfectly understandable, but I can't think of any, and, like I said, I don't understand why this happens.
I also don't understand why you should think that sex is "gone".
The ten-year difference seems important now but it's not that much and it will matter less and less as you guys age. You're young, but he's not old.
Let him cook if he should want to.
The son is jealous and probably your kissing in front of him didn't help much. But you should sort of expect that, because the son will always be the mother's son. If you're a good person he will probably get to like you a lot, but that can't be automatic. Don't display too much affection in front of the kid right now, and that will help.
The son was simply worried about having to lose another person once again. The presence of the other girlfriend forced him to adjust to another person, only to lose her later. When you're 10 years old, that is a problem.
Getting cold with you: I'm not sure he did get cold. He had some things to discuss with his ex about the son, and maybe he thought it was best if you didn't hear much.
Of all this, what I don't understand is why he isn't having sex.
That said, I do have the feeling that you may be reading too much into things and worrying about every single atom that's not in its right place. The family needs to adjust to the fact that there is a new person and that person is younger than they expected.
I think it's healthy if you go out with friends and that.
Again: other than the lack of sex, I don't think I'm reading something that would make me worry.
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A
male
reader, happy140 +, writes (24 May 2012):
 I REALLY appreciate the fact that you choose me to help you. It makes me feel that my advice is sound and makes me feel good knowing I can be of some help. By your question you sound like a very nice woman, one that I would like to have as a friend. That is how you come across to a complete stranger so give yourself some credit for being of sound mind with a nice personality.
I am going to start with the ending as I think a lot of your issues are in this last statement. You really answered your own questions in your overall statement.
“Do I ask him anything else? The more I think about it, I think I am obsessing over dumb stuff but in the heat of the moment, I question everything! Am I reading things right? is he pulling away?, he hasn't texted me or called me or made plans or anything... I am so confused!”
Maturity….is the ability to know the right thing to do instantly, without having to think on it. That comes from life experiences. That explains why you doubt yourself.
Age. While it truly does not matter too many people and society has accepted an older man with a younger woman that “OK”, is around five years difference. Anything more some people shutter and look badly on. If you truly care for him do not let age pull you apart. You are going to have to learn to accept the looks and people talking about the difference. Someone mature will just let it pass and not overly worry about it. A mature person does not like the fact that their family and friends do not like it but they will never let that keep them from someone they care about. It is also VERY NORMAL for a 10 year old to ask you that, why? -because everyone around him is talking about it in front of him, they are forcing the age difference to be important to him because it is important to them. Just answer his questions and very briefly explain that when you meet his father you felt he was such a wonderful man that you needed to get to know him. Act as if it is NOT a big issue and NEVER criticize any family members in front of him because of their opinon. It will get back to them and he will not just disapprove of the age but you. As for his father getting “weird” that is because it came as a shock. Get him to see you as a person, a loving caring person, someone who is good to and for his son. He will soon see you as a lovely woman and NOT a 23 year old.
As for the ex—you need to learn to carry that baggage if you want to be with him. It will never go away. He is uncomfortable with you around his ex because it can cause problems if you interject about something you should not, such as their son. If the ex says I do not want to talk in front of her, what is he going to do? Men try to pick their battles, on one hand you get hurt on the other she makes his life with his son miserable. They will need times when they need to be one on one to discuss things. As for how he acts I am sure he is doing the best he can to keep any animosity down between the three of you. Never get involved with her when it comes to her son. Talk with him later about it but not with her unless she asks. Just be nice to her so she ends up liking you. Remember she has to deal with you if you marry him; make sure she likes the fact that you will be the one to help raise her son. If she is present and they need to talk ASK HER if it is OK if you and his son go over there and do something while they talk.
AS for PDA (Public Displays of Affection) many people do not like it or do it. Did his ex and he do it-ask, maybe that is why the son does not like it. If that is not the case remember it sends a clear message to his son that daddy likes you. He also has to deal with mommy and daddy used to do that and mommy left, is that what he is asking himself? Ask the son why he does not like it and give him an answer he can understand. If he wants you to stop PDA ask him why and respect his wishes. Kids are smarter than they are given credit for.
Knowing he is having a hard time financially and getting upset because he asked you to help pay is about as selfish as you can get. You knew he did not have spare funds but you said yes to dinner, you could have said no, (if you knew ahead of time). Maturity again tells you that we are in this together and we MUST support each other. He wanted to spend time out with you, just to be with you and you are upset because times are only hard for him and no one else? If you acted repulsed buy that and if he noticed, then it sends a VERY CLEAR MESSAGE to him, that you expect to be taken care of and want no parts in sharing small bills such as dinner that you both enjoyed. Next time say lets go to dinner MY TREAT, that doesn’t belittle him and lets him know you understand how hard it is to raise a son, work hard and pay bills. Like I said before, exes have baggage; he has two of everything to pay for. He has to support to mouths, two sets of clothes, heating & cooling bills, two dentist bills, two medical bills, car payment, school, and what ever he has to do with the ex. Baggage, if you cannot carry it move on. It hurts him more than you will ever know to have to have to ask you to pay for half. His pride was hurt, see it from his viewpoint, what else could he do? He could have asked you prior to leaving to pay half but my guess is he thought he had a few more dollars than he had. Our, men’s pride, is hard for us to swallow and he did it. He may have a little money today and be rich tomorrow, that should NEVER affect how you feel about him.
As for sex, I am unsure if it is by choice that you do not have sex. If you do have sex try to make your time with him foreplay. When you meet him whisper in his ear what you want to do to him, put his hand on your thigh when you are together, inside or outside. Fondle his crotch when you can, a quick brush that says “hey I want that” and whisper in the ear. Just use the day to make him Horney. He has a lot of stress, work, a son, a girlfriend and an ex. Make him want you. He may have gotten “off” that time because of the foreplay. He has also been out of the scene and does not know when it is OK to make the sex move. He also has to worry about his son walking in or calling for daddy. Quickies are the best for him right now. He in his thirties and you in your twenties is a sexual fantasy for many men, he is slowing done, and you have that vibrant sexual energy. Ask him what he likes, talk to him about this. He may be more scared to make a move than you think. Remember, since he has an ex he has heard “NO” so many times that he just stopped asking or trying.
I do NOT think it is a mistake to say how much you care but you need to understand that the last woman that he gave his all too left him. It is difficult at best for him to open up. Your moving faster than he is, let him know you’re there for him through EVERYTHING—(that’s why I was and I hope he didn’t notice upset about asking you to help with dinner)—DO NOT put conditions on love such as what I just said. LOVE means everything about you is acceptable, I may not like everything about you, but I accept you as a whole, even your faults.
Let me know how things work out PLEASE Thanks Randy
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAdditional details*He says that he doesn't have any feelings for her but he looks at her different...Am I reading too muh into it? They were together for 7yrs (not married) his son is 10. His previous relationship ended in January of this year, he said that that relationship was out of loneliness and that he talked to his son about it and his son was scared that I would walk out of it like his previous girlfriend did... To me it seems a bit odd, that a 10 yr would ask such a mature question... did he maybe feel pressured by his son to rush into a relationship?.. I mean it was 2 days that we spent together...Do I ask him anything else?... The more I think about it, I think I'm obsessing over dumb stuff but in the heat of the moment, I question everything!.. am I reading things right?, is he pulling away?,he hasn't texted me or called me or made plans or anything... Im so confused!
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