A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 21 and he is 44. We have been dating for 3 years. We went to tell my parents together about a year after we first started dating but I got mixed signals from my parents on the subject so I decided to wait until I was 21 to tell them. We're both very happy with our relationship and our age has never come between us. We barely even notice it to be honest. However, my parents are 4 years younger than him and I feel that even as understanding as they are, my parents are going to be very upset.My question then, or what I would like to hear from this community, is how you feel about two adults in a committed, loving relationship but have an age gap of 20 years or more between them. Is age just a number when you get to be an adult? Or do you think it's unfavorable?Thanks for reading! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 April 2010):
 In principle, I wouldn't like a daughter of mine to get into this kind of relationship. Maybe things seem fine now, but they won't when you're 40 and he's 60. Believe me.
Also, the big difference in years between him and you means there's also a big difference in experience. And I sort of fear that when one of the parties has way more experience than the other, the less experienced one is likely to be abused somewhat. But, that's me.
A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (24 April 2010):
 If he does not abuse you or do anything that you don't like.
Then don't worry about age.
End of discussion.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (24 April 2010):
 I don't know if you want to have kids eventually, but I thought I'd pass this along FYI.
When my father was 50 he married a woman who was around 30. Dad adored kids, so was very happy to start a new family. And when the two boys were little, he was always playing with them, reading to them, giving them their baths. But of course he slowed down with age, so as they got older he was less and less involved with their lives. And if he seemed "out of touch" to me (20 years older than those kids), you can imagine how old fashioned he was to them.
When he got cancer the boys were teenagers. They watched him deteriorate and die in their home.
The boys don't remember much of the stuff he did with them when they were toddlers. To them, they didn't really have a father.
And my step-mother never really ever got over losing him. She was a widow at 50, and seems to feel her life ended then.
For what it's worth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, everyone for all of the great responses!!!! And Soon567...funny stuff, I was definitely cracking up reading your post.
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female
reader, merlyn846 +, writes (23 April 2010):
 I think if you love eachother why should age be a problem??? it doesnt matter what others think at the end of the day you're going home to the person that you love thats whats really important. =]
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): I'm also in a 20-year age gap relationship. I dislike how some people can't believe that an older and younger person can have many things in common. They think any significant age gap is bad and that you have to be with someone around your age. I'm more in sync with my man who is 20 years older than with guys society thinks I should be with.
I think as you get older, people don't view age gap relationships as negatively as they do when you're younger. In your situation, I think people will judge harshly, but don't let that affect you. You say your parents gave you mixed signals, you didn't say they outright refused your relationship, so that's a good sign. I am hoping my parents will at least give mixed signals than refuse (which is what I think will happen sadly) when I tell them. I think ultimately, parents want to see their children happy, so when they realize your happiness is with him, they'll accept the relationship.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 April 2010):
 You're 21 years old. You're old enough to date anyone, whether he's 20 years older or 2 months older. Celine Dion is 26 years younger than her husband, and they're madly in love and have a child!
Danica Patrick is 17 years younger than her fiance. Demi Moore is 16 years older than her husband.
Age is just a number when both of you are capable adults. Give your parents some time, because it is weird for them, even if it's not weird for you or your friends. I know that I would feel weird if my son fell in love with someone my age, but in the end, I'd respect his wishes, and if she made him happy, they'd have my blessing.
Your parents will get over their upset-ness when they get to know the guy and he's good to you and kind and patient and all the things that made you fall in love with him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): Don't be too hard on your parents, they are probably worried about the maths. Say you have kids at 30, when he is 53. When those kids are 18 he will be 71. As you can see, he wont be physically able to assist you in the later years of raising your children, financially he will be retired when your family will be needing a great deal of money, and there is a strong chance you will be simultaneously raising small children whilst caring for an invalid.
These matters are not insurmountable. But in talking about how much you are in love today you won't be addressing your parents fears about the future of your family.
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A
male
reader, escribanus  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 If you are happy, go on. I don't like those gaps because time runs different on every decade of life. Yo'll find that you will want to do or to live things and experiences that are on his past.
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A
female
reader, Kassi (Nova) +, writes (23 April 2010):
 It took me a long time to reconcile the 12 year difference between myself and my fiancee. Before I could feel okay with it, I had to sit down and think about what I wanted from my life and determine whether or not the age difference was going to interfere.1. Do you see this relationship going the distance?2. Do you want to have kids someday? Does he? And if so, are you okay knowing that he will be almost 70 when your kid graduates, if you were to decide to have a baby soon, or even older if you wait?3. Is he committed to you for the long haul?4. Will he be supportive of your education and career decisions?These are some good starting points to think about. If your parents are concerned about you being taken advantage of, it seems to me that you know you're not. If they're worried about you robbing yourself of your future, they may have a point. Think these things out and find a good way to reassure them that this is the life you want. Hopefully that will be enough.
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