A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Twenty and Never Been Kissed…. Ever since I was about 15 I’ve been on a “waiting quest” . What’s a “waiting quest” you ask? Well a “waiting quest” is a journey of sorts that doesn’t involve searching or moving or action…it just involves time and waiting. Now, this journey of waiting I’ve been on has not been the most…successful, I believe. For when I was fifteen I never thought in my wildest dreams, and my dreams get pretty wild, that I’d be waiting for five years. And I still don’t know if those five years are over or if they will turn into six years. Year after year, I have written in many journals, posted many blogs and have yearned over the possibility of being kissed for the first time. I scratch with my proverbial claws at those that kiss and French kiss and cuddle and hold hands. I should be happy for those people, I should rejoice in their happiness and only pray that I will have what they have one day, but I HATE THEM. You could call me bitter, envious, pathetic, mean and heartless and that would all be right to some extent. I am bitter because I want to be in a relationship and be kissed, adored, hugged and caressed and held and I have yet to have that in my life. I do envy happy couples because, I am not apart of a happy couple. And yes, it is pathetic of me to be a twenty year old woman, in college to never have had a guy kiss her or ask her out on a date. It is a little mean to scratch the faces of happy women in love and yes I am heartless, I have never loved and I have yet to be loved. So there you have it. You’re are right about that. But that is to be expected of me, right? What 20 year old girl do you know, if by some off chance that another girl like me exists in the world, that hasn’t been in a relationship or kissed, EVER, is not all of those things? I’m sorry, don’t get me wrong, if you are in a relationship and are happy, more power to ya. NO hard feelings. Be happy, be merry and love the one you are with. I’m just very, very, very frustrated and I have grown impatient. My “waiting quest” can suck it. Oh I have heard it all…"oh don’t rush into anything, relationships are not all they are cracked up to be. Take time to know who you are. You’re not ready. Enjoy being alone while you can. Embrace your solitude while it lasts. The right guy while come along in due time." Blah, blah, Blah. None, of these people have EVER, been in my predicament. I’m not looking for answers or even sympathy, to hell with that. I just want that man, whoever he may be to know that I am here, waiting for him, to kiss me already. I just want to know if I am doing something wrong, why I am I still waiting? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): I am prefacing this by saying, I found this thread in a fit of self-doubt and I don't think I should feel this way about myself. And neither should you!
I am twenty and I've never been kissed. I get it, I know EXACTLY how you feel. But at the same time, I am going to have to side with all the (what seem at first to be) useless bits of advice happily married/kissing/experienced people have given you. The reason? It is because it is time you and I stopped thinking of ourselves in terms of desirability to the people around us. I say this not on a misguided idea of the whimsy of feminism, but because it damages people like you and I. We think about when we can finally kiss someone not in terms of how lucky THEY are going to be, but in terms of how lucky WE are going to be. We effectively take the other girl/boy out of the equation and forget that when someone asks you out, they do it not because they heard you were great at playing tonsil-hockey, but because you make good jokes, or they like the way you give up your seat for elderly people on the bus, or you have an awesome rack (the last one is a joke- but also kinda true lol). I think it is this fear that has us so worried- a fear, that is, of being rejected because we can't kiss. Which is stupid because according to every one of my friends (and, weirdly enough, my brother the chronic dater), kissing isn't like riding a bike. It is different with everyone, every new person. You could bump noses, eat faces or forget to close your eyes with anybody no matter how many people you've sucked face with, but those things would only really bother you if there was no chance of an actual relationship, or, to be corny, no chemistry.
We really really really want it to happen and fast, though. The whole being asked out on a date and kissed under a tree in the park at night dealio. I'm not going to lie. I pretty much crave someone to sit next on the couch and cuddle with. But dude, we're only 20! If it doesn't happen by 23, we should probably be worrying more. As it is, this waiting game is getting old. I'm only going to wait until I like someone enough to date them and then I'm gonna flirt the crap out of them.
Remember, don't jump at the first opportunity either out of low self esteem. We have waited this long (even though 'this long' isn't actually all that long in the scheme of things). So we should make it count- I'm a firm believer in the kiss having integrity, especially if you are prone to feelings of 'unworthiness' when thinking about this stuff. They would be lucky to kiss us just as we would be lucky to kiss them.
Cheer up, you're not alone! In fact, while a majority of my friends go through guys/girls like hotcakes, I know quite a few people our age who have not had their first kiss. One's a model for christsakes!! Which just goes to show that it isn't looks or other equally shallow reasons as to why it hasn't happened yet. There is so much pressure on us, sure, but date yourself for a bit (don't take that the wrong way pervy perves!) and just have fun. Most of all, stop waiting! lol
Hope I made you feel a little bit better and that my ramblings actually said something to you. :D
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): A woman who takes initiative is no less than any other woman. Not saying to change your game. Just change the options. Be yourself but start approaching, meeting guys, create some friendships.
There are many guys who don't spend the time to chase women because being rejected is an all to familiar path. Instead they will choose a "hey I'm getting along with this girl, I'm gonna ask her out" deal.
Ain't nothing wrong with asking out a guy first, just dont come off as a crazy stalker. it maybe awkward at first, but its about getting you foot inside the door, breaking the ice, etc. From there you can start worrying about the bigger stuff. First kiss, love, date etc is only as a big of a deal as you make it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): Well, I was 21 when I was first kissed by a girl, and yes, I did the waiting thing like you. No avail. So I gave up.Then a girl that I had gone to school with and I met and became friends. The rest was history. I agree with some of the other posters, you should take initiative sometimes too. Apparently, I was told throughout my life that several girls liked me, but because I never did anything (too shy and as you put it, on a "waiting quest"), nothing happened. If only I would have been a little less shy, and those girls come a little forward as well.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (17 April 2010):
 You said it yourself, "wild dreams", so what experience is really needed? A kiss is natural, it's not something that is rehearsed to gain perfection. When it is right, the time and place is right, your "instinct" will guide and complete the process. Don't ruin your opportunity, by fearing experience.
I teach by using neuro-linguistics, and I am also a behavior analysis. About 6 months ago, I worked with someone who feared rejection. The girl was there, they are great friends, but he feared what may happen if he tried to take it further. I had him imagine the time and place to ask her out, and the outcome of doing so that he desired. He did, it happened the way he imagined and they've been together ever since.
You said aim for the sky? I'm telling you to become the sky you're aiming for. When he caresses your face, and pulls you closer, what will happen? "Nature takes over" You are programmed with the how to, and only need to be be lined up with the opportunity to do what you already know how to. You said you have "wild dreams" if you did not have such programming, you would not be able to image this "kiss".
I urge you to live being your sky. Don't resist what this kiss will bring you. Keep your wild dreams coming. And you will find someone who may not know why, but who will have a deep desire to fulfill these dreams with you. It's the same concept of two people who are drawn to each other from across the crowded room.
I believe it's taken this time for a reason. Sure you could have kissed over the past five years. You could have been like many who go to a party where their is a lot of locking lip opportunities. It may be the one who you share this kiss with, will be the one you'll share your life with. I feel that if you keep your focus, this guy is already waiting to share that moment with you. You deserve it, and when it happens, send an update to share this experience. Take care.
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male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (17 April 2010):
IMO, you're going to have to (at some level) put yourself out there. this need not be too excessive, but you need to at least out out a vibe that you're not waiting to enter a nunnery.
In life, things seldom come to those that sit and wait- it takes some action on peoples parts for things to happen. Less waiting and a bit more action should resolve this.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 April 2010):
First of all, there is no rush. Secondly, the waiting game doesn't work, because men often assume that a woman who is too stand-offish isn't interested. Don't be afraid to flirt, to talk to a guy and get to know him. And certainly don't be afraid to ask a guy out if you really like him. Women's liberation means that women are allowed to speak to men, and some men really like that. You're a great girl, and certainly there is nothing wrong with waiting for the right guy (that's a god thing), but don't wait all the time Be proactive if you see a guy you like. Speak to him, get to know him and see where it leads.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ docgrl83- I do want it to be meaningful, don't get me wrong I don't want to kiss just any ol' guy, but I feel like, at my age I should have had plenty of opportunities, yet I haven't. I will try to follow your advice about having friendships with guys, because I could use some tweaking in that department, it sounds good to me. I'm just so shy, I find it hard to approach people sometimes, especially guys. I've become so accustomed to waiting that I have lost my initiative I think. I going to try to get it back though, I really am.
@ Xearo- I'm that kind of girl. Besides, I thought guys didn't respect women like that. Am I wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ rcn- thank you so much, your reply is very encouraging to me. Especially coming from a man. I always wanted to know how my situation came off to men, beings though I don't have many guy friends and the ones I do have, I have never opened up to them this way, so they don't know, or at least I don't know if they know. But anyway. Thank you. I do want that knock you off your feet love, but I haven't even touched the surface yet, how can I aim for the sky? I want to, but with my lack of experience I have become afraid of heights.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (17 April 2010):
Actually I see what you're doing as beautiful. Waiting for that first kiss, and not just running out to do it with just anyone. It's a level of self esteem, often not seen in today's relationships.
I can tell from your writing, you're not looking for someone to just fool around with and kiss. You're looking for the kiss that causes you to loose control as it makes you melt into an unexplainable new reality. The special feeling, or higher connection, and not meaningless. I believe that is honorable and beautiful that you'd wait for that moment.
A little secret. Most of those you say you hate for getting their kissing going, have never and may never experience the connection you're seeking. I'd say continue on your quest, without judging others who you believe have found what you're looking for. Most have not. It's more of a settling than seeking what you are.
I wish you luck and hope you find that someone who's waiting with your first kiss.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): It sounds like you want your first kiss/date to be meaningful. So while it is frustrating and annoying to see other couples out there, it is best to ultimately wait for the right person. Yes, I know you have stated that you heard this before. But how about you start getting to know guys on a friendship level- even if it doesn't lead to anything romantic. Hang out with a group of friends and if you muster up the courage, go to the movies or go bowling with a guy friend that you have an interest in. While things may not lead to romance, this will get you more comfortable around guys and who knows? It could lead to a relationship. Don't get your hopes up though- just be confident in yourself. While it is hard to see people together, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Stick to your morals and when the time is right, you will find your prince.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): Actually, why indeed are you still waiting? I know tonnes of women that take the initiative when they see someone that they like, and I'm not even from America.
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