A
male
age
51-59,
*hrisobiora
writes:I have been married for 8 years and for the past 2 and half years my wife and I have not had sex, or had any kind of physical contact or intimacy. We have 2 boys, 7 and 2. The last time we had sex was when the last child was conceived. I have tried to find out what the matter is and she has refused to say. I know she's not seeing anyone since she goes to work and straight home. The only other place she goes is church. I have asked her if there's something she wants me to change and she said there's nothing. I have had enough of this and I'm getting ready to leave our home. I don't understand why she won't make love or even let me touch her! The last time I touched her she said to me that I had no right to touch her. That's the woman I married. I masturbate nearly every day and I have told her this but she's not concerned. This is no marriage and what's keeping me there are my boys but for how long will I keep staying under such unhappy conditions because of my boys? She's comfortable with the situation but am not. My last child has not seen his mum and I hold hands or hug since he was born and my 7 year old doesn't even remember us doing so! I am tired. I am considering getting an apartment and living alone. My work has suffered because she wants me to stay home and take care of the boys and work only nights while she works day. I have no life of my own. I need advice urgently. I have moved to another room since I can't sleep in the same bed as her, why should I? and I am beginning to resent her. What she's doing is evil. She's a christian and I believe the bible doesn't support what she's doing.
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male
reader, chrisobiora +, writes (25 November 2008):
chrisobiora is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks Sis, I will do as you said and hope for a better response this time. Like the scripture says- 'having done all to stand, stand...'
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): Hello Chrisobiora,I've got some more thoughts if they're of any help to you. One thing I've learned when a person won't change is to change the way I approach them. For instance, when you profess your love to your wife or bring up intimacy and she gives no response, then she is in denial about something, and you can get to the heart of it. She's probably sensing you're about to confront her any day, so 1st you could 'warn' her that when the kids go to bed, you want to have an 'honest talk' about your future together. You could start about the good things that have come from your marriage, the boys,..., then the main reason for this talk, no sex or touching. If she thinks you have no right to touch her, then you have a right to know Why? If she doesn't give an answer, then just let the words flow: -your need for intimacy as a man and husband...-would she want this life for her boys as husbands?-she has left the marriage 1st, physically and emotionally-whatever else you think important and that you have reached your breaking point. Once you've asked her if she has anything to say, and if nothing, then it's time for an ultimatum. To start with I love you, but you give me no choice but to plan a life out of this home. Then walk away so she can process it all. (Sorry if I'm getting carried away giving you advice...) A response from her within 24 hours is enough time I think.If her problem is 'deep' and needs counciling, then there's a thread of hope if she agrees to get help. But whatever the outcome, a New Hope is coming your way. I've been praying for you too.sis-in-Christ
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male
reader, chrisobiora +, writes (19 November 2008):
chrisobiora is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, I wasn't offended by the question on christian faith. It's just that it's painful to see a christian act the way she does and without any sense of guilt.
Thanks Bugs. I will make sure I do the right thing for myself and also so my kids wont suffer or think the way we are living is the way to live life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2008): Sorry if I offended you... You're right, no one should be treated this way in a marriage. She will be the one looked upon as breaking the family apart. Not you. Take Care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2008): Mr.Chris I sincerely wish you happiness and pray for you to come out of that hell.You definitely deserve better.I am sure you are a very patient man.Your patience and understanding show through in your answers.Please remember there is a woman out there who will value you for who you are.My prayers go with you.
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male
reader, chrisobiora +, writes (14 November 2008):
chrisobiora is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for your words of encouragement. To respond to the question of Christianity, I am a Christian. We met in church. So her problem is not that of being married to an unbeliever. I actually used to work with the church she attends. I believe even if she were married to a devil, nobody, saint or sinner, deserves to be treated like that. I did tell her this and as usual.. No response. The thing is that I am the one making all the effort to make this relationship work. I initiate conversations, I call her Pastors and discuss the issue with them, of course she's never told them anything about our problem. She has decided to ignore the bible and do her thing. I send her text messages professing my love and she totally ignores it. I can't understand how she can live like this without discomfort or desire to see this relationship work.Who knows if she was molested? At times people never tell you what you need to know about them before marrying them.You get to find out the hard way? Really don't know about that...yet.You are right eyeswideopen. My kids know there's something wrong going on at home and I can't tell them anything.Thanks Uncle Phil. I will start searching for a place.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2008): I thought of this just now. If your wife was ever sexually molested as a child, this could be another reason for her behavior. It's a shameful subject, but at this point, it's worth asking.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): Hello,
This is very sad. I'm sorry it's come to this. I think I can help you get some insight on your wives behavior. First I'm wondering why you don't go to church with her? Well, when I first met my husband we attended church together because I told him it's very important to me to be with other believers "gathering together" as the bible says. It's a great sense of unity after a week living in the 'world'. Also listening and maturing as a christian. (It's fun too, we're not a bunch of dull duds :) I thought he was sincere and we were in agreement. 6 months after we were married, he stopped coming to church with me and started living life his own way. He still claimed to believe the same, but didn't really live what we believed. This was a great loss for me. We lived together but lived seperately. I felt 'unequally yoked'.(The Bible cautions us to not marry someone who's doesn't believe the same, because it is the core of who we are) I also felt betrayed, and didn't feel like making love to him. To me, he was not the man I married. But I would give in because the Bible clearly says after marriage, our bodies are each others. This is where your wife is going against her beliefs. She could be carrying guilt for the past years and now it's affecting her state of mind. It's almost like she's punishing herself because she did wrong to marry an unbeliever. This doesn't mean she doesn't Love You. I think I'm confusing you and sorry for that, but I hope you understand some of what I'm saying. Please read "Forming a Relationship with a Church Going Lady" on this site. You might get more insight there too.
Hope this helps you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): I've been keeping an eye on this one for a few days to take on board your responses. It seems like you're banging your head against a solid wall and it doesn't look like you're going to make any progress on the problem - and it's a big, big problem.
The only course of action I can possibly recommend is that you save some cash for a deposit on a flat. There are some good deals around these days, the financial situation being what it is. Where I live the average is about £90-£115 per week, and bedsits can be had for around £60. See one or more letting agencies and get on their books. Very soon big envelopes will be dropping on your doormat. Make sure she sees the contents. It might concentrate her mind a little if she gets wind that you're on the verge of moving out.
Take a look at http://spareroom.co.uk for details of house and flat sharing which reduces cost considerably and you'll still be in pleasant surroundings with company to share with the other occupants.
Next, see a solicitor and find out what your rights are. I don't think you would be seen as any different to a woman in the same situation as yourself, ie. one who is not the main breadwinner. Some law firms will give you a free half-hour consultation in the hope of getting you on their hook. Your local Citizens' Advice Bureau should be able to tell you who they are, and all it will take is a phone call.
If your income is below a certain level you can apply for Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit from your local Council which could mean you pay nothing for your accommodation, or at least a reduced figure. Apply as soon as possible otherwise you may lose benefits. Again, if your income is below a certain level you can also apply for Income Support at your local JobCentrePlus which will guarantee you a minimum income each week.
There is life after divorce, and I don't think it would be unreasonable to demand one. Let's face it, if this happened at the start of your marriage you could have had it annulled through non-consummation.
Finally, if you have ever served in HM Armed Forces for more than one week, The Royal British Legion will happily fund your deposit, some rent and possibly some basic furniture if you are genuinely in need of help. PM me if you need contact details.
I wish you a bright future - starting very soon.
Phil
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (13 November 2008):
 Listen Chris I think you need to separate from her as soon as possible. It might be a wake up call for her but even if it's not this is no way for you to live. Your children will be fine, kids can feel the tension. And like I said before perhaps down the road you will be able to show them how a truly loving couple behave towards each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): I always go with gut instincts.The pastor and wife know what the problem is.Because No pastor will brush the issue off lightly.Forget them.you are not going to get help from them.You deserve to be happy.You need to start working towards it.In the corporate world where I come from if a manager doesn't like an employee they cannot fire an employee on the grounds of dislike.So what do they do?They make the person slog for 14 hours a day.create a very unfriendly working environment.In short give him hell till he leaves.Are you sure she wants you to stay on in the marriage.Seems like she is waiting for you to make the first move.Have you spoken of separation.what does she say to that?.Remember all of us cannot help you if you cannot help yourself.Children pick up feelings even ones that are unsaid.Every marriage has problems.But the husband and wife take a conscious decision to improve their marriage.Are you sure you want your kids to grow up in a loveless environment.Take a decision and take it fast.Stand up for yourself.The lord knows what goes on in everyone's heart.We can lie to others.But we cannot lie to him.So if you feel that its not right for you to take the decision,remember the lord knows what led to it.He is not going to judge you.All the best.
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A
male
reader, chrisobiora +, writes (13 November 2008):
chrisobiora is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Bugs, I have spoken to her Pastor and his wife since she's close to them. They seem to be taking it lightly. Spoke to her Pastor about 6 months ago and spoke to his wife last week..again. I don't know if they see what she's doing as natural or they don't want to hurt her feelings or what. They have not spoken to her, at least to the best of my knowledge. I saw it as a problem that's why I took it to them. She obviously doesn't see it as such.
I spoke to the mininster that officiated at our wedding and he seems to be at his wit's end. He spoke to her and she refused to tell him anything. The man just gave up and said it was up to me!
I have tried my best but it doesn't seem to be working. I am doing this because I want to make sure that I have covered all bases and done what I should do as a partner to make this thing work. But all I get is cold shoulders.
This morning I took a long look at my kids and wondered how they'll cope when I do leave and I felt the tears in my eyes...i never planned for this. If I knew this would happen to me I wouldn't have bothered getting married at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): Since she goes to church regularly call your pastor to your home.Talk to him before her.She is treating you this way because her circle doesn't know about it.Start with the pastor first.you might get an answer.
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A
male
reader, chrisobiora +, writes (12 November 2008):
chrisobiora is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hope time does heal me. Tonight I took the initiative and asked her if we'd ever make love again. She didn't respond. I asked the same question and after a while she said " I don't know". Asked her to explain and she didn't reply. I walked away after waiting for about 5 minutes for an answer. The painful thing is that I'm talking about a wife of 8 years and not a girlfriend. Went out to get my dinner as usual...chinese.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): I am sorry Mr.Chris but in India its very common for a man to do this and then the woman goes in to a shell.I thank you for answering my questions.I have to agree with the other aunts/uncles now.There was no reason for her to have treated you this way.I hope time heals your pain and sorrows
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male
reader, chrisobiora +, writes (12 November 2008):
chrisobiora is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi. To answer your question Bugs, I have never hit her or done any of those things you mentioned. But of course we have had our differences but never resulted in physical violence or abuse. I have been the main carer so judging her child management skill's never come up. I clean the house and the kitchen even after she's used it. Most times I eat chinese because she only cooks for the kids. The only time I ever raised my voice was when I raised concerns about her behaviour and she told me she was in a hurry to get to work, which was about 3 months ago. She has a way of not wanting to listen to what I have to say or even ignore me as if i'm not there. The thing is that she's never around long enough for us to have a healthy argument: work-home-church-home-bed. That about sums up her programme.
Her friends see her as a very good woman. They can't believe she'd treat her husband the way she's done. I can't still understand why someone could live all these years with her husband and not crave physical contact?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2008): I have a few questions I need to ask.* Have you ever controlled her emotionally .Have you ever physically abused her?* Have you been violent in the past when you have had a discussion*Have you ever broken things in the house when you had a temper*Have you always raised your voice when you have had an argument in the past.*Are you constantly judging her housekeeping skills,child management skills and so on Please be honest as I would really like to help you
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 November 2008):
I think you are doing the right thing and I hope you find a place real soon. You deserve some happiness especially after what your wife has put you through.
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male
reader, chrisobiora +, writes (5 November 2008):
chrisobiora is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank you all that responded to my problem. I really appreciate it. The situation is still the same and I have decided to take a day job as a first step to establishing my 'freedom'. Can you imagine? 'Freedom' from my own wife!
Got a new job and when I told her all she asked was 'is it nights?'. I wonder how I got into this. I told her it was a day job and she just walked away because she wants me home babysitting and doing nothing else. Now I earn exactly £140 a month because she's dumped the childcare on me. She's a Pharmacist and earns around £50k per annum and she's comfortable with me earning pittance. I'm waiting for the normal work checks to be done and I'll be getting my own place.
It's painful. My parents have been married for 49 years and though they've had their challenges it's nothing like mine. I have never heard of someone going through what I'm going through. It will be 3 years without making love to my wife or even touching her. Took me sometime but at last I told my mum what was going on. She couldn't believe it.
All she adviced was to get a FULL TIME job and get out of the house.
My blood pressure has been high for sometime and my GP keeps telling me I am within the stroke bother. Why wont I be?
I will keep you all updated as things progress. I was brought up in a family environment where marriage is a thing of joy...not mine. Am in hell.
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male
reader, previasc96 +, writes (17 October 2008):
your wife could be suffering from postpardom depression!
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male
reader, previasc96 +, writes (17 October 2008):
Your wife is a total hypocrite! How in the hell could she go to church every week, and have this situation in her home!!!!? You need to convince her to do counceling. IF she refuses, then you should divorce her! I really don't believe in divorce, but in a case as extreme like this, heck yeah you should!
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male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (16 October 2008):
 I agree with eyeswideopen this is not good for your well being. A suggest that you get seperated. You have nothing to feel guilty about if you decide to leave her, You have valid reasons for your choice.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 October 2008):
Awww Buddy, you are right this is no marriage. That fact that she doesn't even let you discuss it with her is a really bad sign. See if she will agree to go to marriage counseling with you, but if not I'm afraid you will have to split the blanket. You deserve the total package marriage has to offer. Your sons aren't seeing a normal husband wife picture that's for sure. Perhaps down the road you will find someone with whom you CAN show them how a loving couple behaves. Best of luck, it will be a bit bumpy at first but you'll get through it I'm sure. Keep us posted.
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male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (16 October 2008):
 I am so sorry. This sounds like every husband's worst nightmare! You deserve better. There are a lot of things a man can do or fail to do to put his wife off of sex, but for her to basically say: "You are fine honey, I just don't want you to touch me ever again" is totally wrong.
If she isn't willing to work on resolving this, you have every right to move on with your life.
It sounds to me she used you as a sperm donor, and now she's using you as a babysitter.
Do you really want to be her doormat for the rest of your life?
One thing to think about: Maybe she really wants a divorce but thinks it is wrong due to her religion. She's probably hoping you'll end up getting fed up and leave her. That way, she'll be the faithful wife in the eyes of her family and children while you are the bad husband that left her.
I am truly sorry for what you are going through.
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