A
male
age
36-40,
*oole
writes:This 14 year old girl has a obsessive crush on me.It all started when I was looking for a part time job. I’m a college student and I’m living in an apartment with my roommates. As I was good in maths I decided to teach maths at high school to the ninth graders. Several weeks later, this one student named Chelsea came up to me after class and said she had some problems with algebra and asked if I could tutor her at her place. And, I was like sure. So, there I was at her place helping her out with her math problems and out of nowhere she brushed my hair behind my ear with her hand and said I was the most amazing person she had ever met. That sure did struck me with lightening but I brought her back to earth and made her realize we were here to solve her math problems. So, for the next several days I tutored her and everyday she would make a move that I wouldn’t take so seriously. But, I had enough of her when she gave me a kiss on the cheek. That would be the last day of our math work. I told her that she no longer required any of my assistance in her algebra problems. But, that didn’t stop her. She would call me several times on my cell but I wouldn’t take the call. Yeah, I started avoiding her. But, I couldn’t while in class. One day she confronted me after class and she was hot red. She asked me why I was avoiding her and I said I wasn’t avoiding her, I was just busy. She had watery eyes and man she was getting redder by the minute. She called me a coward and pushed me and just stormed out of the classroom. I don’t know why she called me a coward. Why would she get so pissed off? I didn’t do anything wrong. How can I solve this without upsetting her?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011): I am a teacher, and you've made a few basic mistakes.Firstly, when tutoring if you go to a student's house, then you use the kitchen table, not their room. A 14 year old girl accepting a older man into her room is a fair sign of a crush or of foolishness. In any case, tutoring isn't just about the child anyway. It's about learning, and that means the family is probably going to have to change -- with quiet periods when there is no TV, with resourcing of materials. The family care enough to hire a tutor, but often they don't know enough about a proper learning process to create a good environment. By holding the class in public (but not in immediate view, and certainly with no input from others) then you are teaching the parents what they need to know too.Secondly, you didn't call out her behaviour at every instance. For the obsessed, just being accepting is permission to proceed. You set a line the first time, but then you failed to enforce it for subsequent times. That sends a message that you were not serious the first time.Thirdly, you didn't rope in the responsible adults. In particular, if you were at her house, then chatting with the girl's mother would be a pretty obvious thing to do. Then she can talk with her, explain the nature of crushes, the difficulties of handling such powerful and yet unrealistic feelings.Fourthly, you are not "busy" when students call. You don't take their call because it is inappropriate. One answer is to judge their worth, the other answer is to assert your professionalism. I'd be annoyed too if you didn't take my call because you were "busy". One of the things you learn as a teacher is to say what you mean in a way that doesn't pull in emotions. Not dress things up in misleading euphemisms. Not insult people's worth.It's pretty obvious why she called you a coward -- because you would not accept the risk of a relationship with a underage girl. Remember, her knowledge of love is slight -- all she's every been told is some disney notion that love trumps against all. That's the headspace those words came from.As for solving this, it's pretty plain that you lack the experience to do that. But then again, this isn't your problem to "solve" -- the very thought that there is a "solution" isn't approaching the situation usefully. She has been hurt, mostly by herself, and she'll have to get over it, mostly be herself. There's little you can say at this late stage to make that less painful for her.But her hurt is understandable. Crushes are a well understood thing, and as a teacher you certainly understand that obsession isn't unusual in children, nor are the the strong emotions of puberty, nor do people like to lose to the "system". The signs of a crush are pretty each to spot, and it's pretty easy to behave in a way which minimises the child's hurt. Setting boundaries, calling behaviour, addressing emotions, etc, etc. All the stuff of classroom management.You need to do some serious introspection -- you haven't handled this at all well. Some of that is because the level of supervision isn't commensurate with your level of teaching experience, so you must make sure that you have more of that at school (from the senior class teacher) and when tutoring (from the responsible adult).Possibly you haven't really thought of yourself as a professional teacher. If so, this is a wake up call that teaching maths is about two professions: teaching and math, and to be excellent at "teaching maths" you need to be proficient in both.Your classroom dynamics is what has let you down here. The traditional approach (and I'm assuming you've done classroom management at uni, so you know what needs to be done but you just aren't applying it) is reflection and evaluation by peers. Reflection is best done through a teaching journal, at least until you've been around long enough that it's all second nature. Evaluation is best done through discussion in the staff room: float something that you're not happy about, ask for approaches, then ask people to rate what you actually did. Listen in the staff room, you'll hear this happening most days.As for what to do now, I'd tell all -- in a factual way -- to either the class's math teacher or the girl's home room teacher. They'd have a fair idea that something is going on anyway. The goal here isn't to "fix" things (because that isn't possible, people aren't machines), but simply so that the teaching staff know the reasons for her recently-altered behaviour.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 August 2011):
 She's a teenage drama queen and you want to NOT upset her? Everything she does upsets her and she brought it upon herself too. So no need to feel sorry for her. Lay it out simple and straight "I'm your teacher and you are my student, nothing more will ever come of this. Respect the boundaries and start to treat me as your teacher. I am not some boy you can flirt with. I have tried to be discrete and ignore your advances, to save both you and me the humiliation. But if you insist to continue pursuing me I will be forced to take action."
She's out of line pushing you, or even speaking to you in the way she did. Alternatively you can take immediate action and do something about the situation. Which is to block her phone number so she can not call you, or continue to ignore her calls, or change your phone number. The other part is to contact your superior at the school, for example the principal, and explain the situation. Perhaps you should not teach that specific class any longer, or perhaps the girl should be called in for a meeting.
Pushing a teacher/stalking a teacher is not acceptable behaviour, and the school might look at this very strictly (or ignore it altogether, depends on the seriousness of the school). Best case scenario is that other teachers find out and shame her so badly she feels humiliated and leaves you alone.
You're her teacher, you have authority over her. That means you get to tell her what to do, not the other way around. Stand up for yourself and don't take no drama from her. You should have nipped it in the bud and not been her tutor after the first session, but at least now you have the experience.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 August 2011):
 You know what they say..."Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"!!
This girl is hopping mad at you you for having rejected her advances. She has a major crush on you and was hoping to turn it into something more.I doubt if she even had any real problems with her studies, maybe it was just a way of getting to see more of you.
No one likes rejection. This girl probably thought that she could have you mesmerized by her charms and when nothing worked,she is livid at you for not giving into her.
You have handled the situation extremely well so far, but you need to be very careful from now on. You dont need to be especially nice to her in any way or have any conversations with her. Anything that you say can be misconstrued. Inform the Principal of the school, because in today's day and age, you can never be too sure of anything. If she wants to take her revenge against you, she can get you in trouble very easily. Its best for you to be safe.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (21 August 2011):
 Do as Abella says, this girl represents a serious danger to you. People are crazy, and will take even the slightest hint of impropriety between the two of you far more seriously than is warranted.
You need to get as much documentation set up as possible that shows you have behaved in a professional and ethical manner. Talk to the principal, write things down, get specific dates and times, talk to a lawyer. Avoid her parents.
All she needs to do is say little lie to her parents or to your employer and your career is trashed, never mind the legal issue. Get people on your side immediately. Try to get assigned to a different class and end all contact with her. Change your cell number. Don't talk to her for any reason.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011): Let me tell you what you do. STOP it now. This gal is 14 and under age and if you are a westerner or American, you can go to jail, buddy. If you are from a another country that does not have child molestation laws, you still may get yourself in a heap of trouble in many ways. Tell the girl that you are a teacher and that is is wrong for you to be involved. Finally, you have an obligation to tell your supervisor or principal what is happening and seek advice. You risk going to jail, if you don't.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 August 2011):
 you are not a coward at all. You made a good professional decision, an honorable one. This girl just cannot recognise integrity.
This girl has a major crush on you. A crush you should not acknowledge nor recognise. You have done the right thing by distancing yourself from her. But you need to do more than that.
First off you can protect your own reputation by putting in writing exactly as you have here how this started, what happened and how you dealt with it.
Then ask for an appointment with the school Principal and ask that it be documented that you do not intend to offer her any further private tutoring as clearly this could lead to her becoming more bold in her approach to you.
Your professional reputation is more important than whether or not you upset this young lady.
Ensure that you are never alone with her ever again. If she wants to talk after a class tell her she can walk beside you as you go to the staff room and after that you have work to do. Alternatively she can put her query in writing and you will answer her later.
No emails between the two of you please.
Maintain a distance. Because her attention may escalate
One malicious allegation from her could derail your career and your reputation.
If she escalates her attention revisit the school principal and ask to be assigned to a different class.
So far you have done very well to address this issue. Hope things do not escalate. But remain very aware at all times.
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A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (21 August 2011):
 Just tell her you're too old for her and that it would be inappropriate, illegal, and unprofessional. Be stern and do this talk while no other children are around. If she won't let up, get a principal involved.
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