A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 10 years says he now loves a woman he works with. He feels so ashamed but doesn't know whether he loves me or not.We have 2 children age 4 and 7 weeks. I'm torn apart...what to do?
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female
reader, chiara  +, writes (16 April 2008):
You need to let him go. I know that might sound harsh but it is the truth. Women in general become comfortable in relationships and do not want to start over, so they do whatever it takes to continue the relationship even if it is not the best decision. You should not have to fight for the marriage he should want to do this on his own. He is an adult please do not baby him. The simple fact that he can think about walking out on his children for a fling is unforgivable. Again this is probably something you do not want to hear but what if he feels this way when the kids are older then what. Lastly how did he have time to fall in love with someone at work, shouldn't he have been busy loving you and the kids (something to think about). Best of luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Irish 49 - where did you get to be so succint and spot on with your advice...have you been through it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): I'm going to say...fight for your marriage here. Why? Because when one has a marriage with small children, we just don't roll over and give up. Your husband is emotionally stuck and he's floundering. He is infatuated with this other woman. And all I have to say, I hope this woman is not encouraging him in the direction of an affairm, because he'll have to stop and really, really question her character and integrity, won't he? Knowing he's married, she should be running the other direction. He needs to know, that it's time to pull up his socks and be a husband. with some character strength, some maturity and a lot of integrity. He needs to know that as adults, we all know that life just isn't always a straight line. We all have to struggle, get beyond the sad times, the complacency and take another route in life. That route is a change of attitude and maturity and it can take time, at least being on the journey is more fulfilling than feeling sad and stuck. He is wrong to feel emotionally dependent on others to feel OK about himself. This is what he's likely doing with this other woman. He is a husband and a Father, he needs to begin taking control of his own emotions, and reach out to you and you need to do the same for him. And to help you both ...stay on track and be determined to get into marriage counseling as was suggested to you. As a part of the counselling process, he should have a few of his own sessions with the counselor. He really needs to learn that he can't go through life expecting others, to make him happy. That is an entitled feeling, marriage is about give-give..it's not about all taking.
If you want to save all this you can contribute, what can you do about all this? Talk, communicate and find each other again. A positive way to showing love for someone, is showing interest in them. Listening, talking, sharing with them in the emotional sense as well as sharing the chores and child obligations. Cuddles, kisses, consideration of his feelings. By showing him you'll listen, you're inviting him to talk and work with you in this partnership. Hard though this shock has been, this negative situation with the other woman, may be the motivations and foundation for a more satisfying relationship for both of you. I wish you and your husband better communication and a vital life together. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy update: the emotional intimacy was starting to go astray and he didn't really want a second child;was worried about money and also admits it's purely selfish he wants "nice" things for himself and having another child means less of that - less money to spend on sport,hobbies, going out. we stopped making the effort to go out - part of the problem i think. i think he may lust after her but he says not - they have not had an affair - but theis is as bad as he says he loves her and obviously is very confused. All this going on while i was pregnant (letter part) and then in hospital having the baby and it all came out after that. he really feels terrible I've been hurt he really is doing his utmost to help at home and be a great dad; but feels he can't yet be fully affectionate etc. with me yet because of his feelings. OMG - it's soooo unfair!! we both concerned we may not have much in common except the children - true maybe but a marriage is worth fighting for isn't it - then see down the line after counselling ---
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): I think you need to give us more information. You say your husband "loves a woman he works with". Is this a full blown affair? Or is this just an infatuation strictly on his part? Is this other woman actually involved, with him?
I ask that because it appears, he is guilt stricken and is struggling, between you and her. I tend to agree with the other Aunts, marriage counseling may be needed. If your husband is feeling shame and doesn't know if he loves you or not--I am going to state, that he likely does love you. But, plainly--something is amiss in your marriage. The demands of a young family can cause couples to 'drift and disconnect' temporaily. It's possible, he feels the emotional intimacy is missing between you and him. So he's finding another way to fill that up inside of him.
But are they actually having a sexual/emotional affair? Or is he just infatuated with her and they are friends? I ask that, because sometimes, men act out their own emptiness in a very desperate way and they think they've grown infatuated with another. He could be mistaking a 'crush' for real love, when it's right under his nose all the time...at home. Ask him to share his feelings of desperation and loneliness and what he needs from you. Take a stand and shake things up in a constructive way, in this marriage because his straying, indicates that he will be blowing up this marriage and family through a more destructive means. Some marriages are salvageable after infidelity...in fact some come back better and stronger. I have a feeling if you are feeling 'torn' over this, you want to save this marriage and keep your family intact.
Get back to us with more information, dear.
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female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (14 April 2008):
 indeed. with 2 very young kis, this is serious. u better seek counselling and if he balks, then u should seek a lawyer quickly find out urv rights just in case. cover ur ground and always be 10 steps aHead of him. who knows if hes already cheated or not. what a horrible man to dothis to u...unbelievable. andur little kids will suffer the downfall. at east there young enough to spring back. they wont understand whats going on so......good luck dar. omg.
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female
reader, bemused +, writes (14 April 2008):
 Hi hun
I agreed with the stressed247. This definitely something you do not need right now, paticulary with children in the formative years. You mention that he feels ashamed..that is the least he should feel and I am suspecting there is a lot of confusion there as well. Hard for us, strangers to really know what brought this on and I agree with the other poster that the other gal is a novelty and something new and I am suspecting that you are knee high in formula and diapers right now just trying to cope. I wonder if he feels that he is a little lower on your priority list...hence he is casting his net a bit to feel romance and that 'spark'that you could give if you were not so busy. How did you find out about this. Did you ask him because he was working 'unaccustomed hours' or he blurt it out to you. It would be my humble advice to move slowly and carefully here. If he has been feeling neglected you might feel guilty and overcompensate to get him 'back' but you need to keep your dignity and self worth as well. If he as technically cheated on you I would suggest you play a careful game. I would ask him and if he says yes tell him he has hurt you. This will be the crucial moment when he will either step up to the plate and do what he can to keep you in his life...or he may go to her. You need a contingency plan if he goes to her. I would ensure he sees his children but you, my dear must stand tall,no matter how much it hurts. I hate to say if but if he is feeling the pull of this woman, there is not much you can do to stop it. I am not even going to talk about thinking of the practical aspects of living life without. If he comes your way take every chance you get to show him you love him but do not demean yourself but trying to outdo 'her'. So sorry about this hun...keep us posted. I hope it works out for you. XXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you...i agree with you and we are awaiting counselling. Should I bereally waiting for him yo decide tho...me and family or her? It's doing my head in............
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female
reader, Stressed247 +, writes (14 April 2008):
 Wow, that is a major situation. I suggest you ask him what she has that you're lacking, if he can't come up with anything then most likley he's just more attracted to her because she is "new" ...especially with children that young...maybe you and him should see counseling.
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