A
female
age
41-50,
*ambi1980
writes:Hi guys, can anyone help with this..........I've been with my partner for 2 and half years now and around 3 months ago I asked him to move in with me. It's my house, he was living with his parents. There is quite a pay disparity between us, I earn double what he does and he has a lot of debts which eat up his disposable income. I was aware of this prior to him moving in so set an agreement that I would pay all the bills each month and he was to buy the food. I will obviously be paying a lot more out than him. He's stuck to this on the whole even though I do buy top up food mid week. My partner is on a strict budget and has very little money left to play around with. The thing that annoys me is that despite him being skint and me paying all the bills he is still paying for his parent's sky tv at their home. This is over £60 a month which I think he could use to pay towards our household expenses. I've told him about this but he says that he's unwilling to stop paying it coz his parents are now both retired and don't do much apart from watch the tv which is their only source of entertainment. I understand all that but I think he should get his priorities straight! He's a lovely son, he thinks the world of his parents and vice versa, which I find very touching but I don't think it's right. If anything they could reduce their sky tv package. This has caused a lot of arguments, I feel guilty about it being an issue though. The other problems are that I will lend my partner bits of money here and there, for example he went to the petrol station the other week and his card was declined so I lent him £20 for the fuel. He hasn't mentioned this since and hasn't paid me back, it's like he forgets and then it's awkward for me to ask for it. We have just been away and I had to lend his £50 to put towards his spending money, again no mention of paying me back. I have lent him money months ago, about £170 to buy some equipment which he assures he will pay back when one of his debts clear in sept. I want to trust him but I'm starting to resent his financial situation. it's causing bad blood between us. Should I just be lending the money as a loving girlfriend and not expecting it back? Am I being too harsh? How do I deal with this pay disparity? Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2012): At this point, NO you should not just be unquestioningly handing over money to him.
It's a tough situation, I've been there myself.
I think how you approach it depends on a few factors:
1. Is this huge pay disparity just temporary, or likely to be forever? Do you see him ever making more money in the future? Also realize that something could happen to your job/career in the future too and the money situation could be reversed some day if you get downsized, become disabled and can no longer work, etc.
2. How do you see your relationship right now? How "close" or long-term or permanent do you see the relationship? If you were married right now, then you're in no different a situation from the typical traditional marriage where one spouse is the primary breadwinner and the other is stay-at-home or does not bring in an income. How do THEY handle it? They consider that everything the earning spouse makes, also belongs to the non-earning spouse. But who gets to make the financial decisions then? This varies from one family to another, and yes it can be a big source of marital conflict and can lead to one spouse holding the other 'hostage' by using money to control them (which is why I am NOT in such a traditional marriage to begin with!).
But if you're not married or see yourselves as in a marriage-type relationship, then I don't see that you should expect to be merging all your finances. In which case there is more separate-ness. Then your bf should be responsible for the pre-agreed upon expenses that he's supposed to handle. What he then does with his leftover money is entirely up to him and none of your business. But this isn't even happening because he's not even covering the expenses that he had agreed to cover. Instead you are covering his expenses for him. And, the reason he's not upholding his fiscal responsibilities in your household is because he's spending that money on his parents. I think this is unfair to you. I also understand that for him to stop giving money to his parents would be unfair to them (I give my parents money regularly as they are retired, I consider it my filial duty).
So basically I think that he is at fault for entering into an agreement with you when he does not have the means to uphold it. You don't sign a contract saying you will do A, B, C, if you actually don't have the means to do it. But that is what he did.
So you shouldn't fault him for spending money on his parents, because that is a legitimate use of his money. It's not like he's spending it on trivial things or gambling it away.
But you should hold him accountable for having made promises to you that he had no business making. He simply should never have agreed to be responsible for whatever expenses in your household he had agreed to cover.
that said, again it comes back to the issue of how you define your relationship. Let's say you had another family member or friend who constantly didn't have enough money for daily expenses like gas in the car, etc. So you pay that for them. Would you consider this a loan or a gift? What if that person is your bf, should it be a loan or a gift? If it's a gift, does it make you resentful? If it does then you shouldn't be continuing to give him money. But if he doesn't repay the loans you make to him, then that makes him irresponsible.
I would suggest that you not move in together after all because it seems that your relationship isn't of the "mariage" type to where you feel comfortable merging your money with his (considering him to be a "stay at home spouse" who is 100% financially dependent on you). But anything short of this means he's not pulling his weight in this relationship and is lying to you and breaking your trust.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 June 2012):
 I have a very different take than most young folks on money… Thankfully my current partner (and all my prior ones to be honest) agreed with my take on it. IF you live together my money is your money. IF you are living as husband and wife you should totally act as such. For me that means what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine.
That means that our incomes go into a joint account and we plan everything together. We pay all the bills out of the joint account and big purchases are cleared with each other PRIOR to the purchase. Every day when we get home we share our receipts with each other… and check our accounts daily together and apart. Yes it makes buying a secret gift hard… but it’s how we run our home.
I pay child support to an adult child (similar to the support your partner gives his parents) in the amount of 300 per month. I also pay “dog support” for a dog I owned that I had to give up when my partner moved in with me due to severe allergies. Our agreement was I would continue to pay all the medical expenses for this dog who is sickly… it sometimes costs us a chunk of change for her as she ages but it’s what we agreed to.
I don’t see how you can LEND money to your partner. If I need cash I ask him for cash as he keeps more cash than I do and I tend to use the cards more due to my inability to track cash expenditures readily but using the card works better. I do not see how you can pay back your own household.
If you LEND him money then you’re in a business deal and you should know that you never lend money you can’t afford to miss as you probably won’t get it back.
BTW I am working and my fiancé is not. He is job hunting and has been since February. He has not found a job yet… but I will always make more than him… but since it’s all OUR money it does not matter who makes more.
I personally think that the two of you need to write a budget based on your joint incomes
Put the parents tv bill in as a budget line
Put all the expenses in as needed
Plan the savings
The left overs get divided up between the two of you for your “pocket money”
For us our budget line includes things like hair and nails for me, Starbucks card payments for me
So a detailed budget that both must stick to based on the HOUSEHOLD income is the way to go in my opinon.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (8 June 2012):
 I would ride it out till September when his debts are cleared, then see what happens,its not so far away. You knew his financial situation but still asked him to move in,he didn't hide his debts or lie.
If he's generous with his parents then it shows he is a decent bloke, I don't think you should ask him to stop paying for Sky, its probably all he can do for them financially to make their lives easier.
If you don't think you can handle him earning less than you,even after his debts are clear,best to speak up and say your piece.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012): I wouldn't change the arrangement with his parents. That would be mean and he may resent you for it. However, be firm on other expenses. But be careful here because, as the major earner, you could begin to take the whip hand and your relationship will go down hill. You have to accept that he isn't financially on a par with you and make it a non issue. Otherwise you might be better off with someone more evenly matched to you. Depends on how much you love him.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 June 2012):
 A tricky situation but not one you went into with your eyes shut.
You initially accepted the deal but now, it appears he is leaning on you a bit more than you want him to.
The TV thing with his parents you should leave alone. It was part of the deal at the start, you accepted it then and so should you now.
His borrowing other bits of money and not paying you back is the real issue and you have to learn to say no.
He should also be trying to improve his situation by maybe getting a second job or selling stuff that he doesn't need. He already has his board and lodging paid for, so really he should be grateful for that and not exploit your good nature by taking even more money off of you.
Everyone has their limit and it's clear to see you are reaching yours. He needss to be doing more and you need to start saying NO!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012): I would say it sounds like he's a free-loader. Kick him out.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (8 June 2012):
 You should absolutely NOT be lending him money, but you really should not have allowed him to move in with you until his finances are in order. I know love and romance often win out, but someone has to be able to take care of himself before he gets into a serious relationship. Obviously, he doesn't know how to take care of himself or he would try looking for a second job to get ahead a bit. Don't loan him money and consider kicking him out. You can still see someone without him living with you. I have been single for a few years now and would never allow someone to live with me. I have built up too much for myself through hard work to allow someone to do that. I know you care about him, but he doesn't respect you or he would be busting butt to help you cover expenses instead of asking for money. You're already letting him live there...that should be enough! You're not his mom, you're supposed to be his equal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012): I personally wouldnt mind.I was married for five years and when my husband and I first got together he paid for everything. I wasnt working and was still quite young. As time went on I eventually started earning more than him and paying for more than him. I guess in the begining i felt bad about him paying for everything but he supported me through my studies and through advancing in my career. When I started earning more I encouraged him to do things he didnt have the chance to do before. A relationship is give and take. are willing to wait for him to sort himself out and become financially stable?It depends how you see your relationship really. If you are very close and see a long term future, you are a team. 60 quid a month on the grand scale isnt a huge amount and I wouldnt want to fall out with my partner over this(although I probably would have with my ex) but it really isnt worth damaging a relationship for. And they are his parents... They would have spent alot more than 60 quid a month bringing him up. I would give him time to get out of debt etc and work together as a team. But if its not something that you can see working very long term. No you should expect the money back of course. Like you would from friends etc.
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