A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:The problem: My husband and I share different beliefs on money. He likes to purchase expensive things where I like expensive things also, but rather buy something reasonable. He lives "in the moment" whereas I like to think of the future. I do not speak to his parents about our "issues", but they have expressed to me, more than once, that they like the way I do things when it comes to money. For example, we purchased an older model home and are fixing it up as we have the CASH. Nothing goes on credit. Also, we try to pay things off early to avoid interest costs and etc. My husband still gets to spend money, but not as much as he would like. He purchased himself a Hummer, we went skiing earlier this year, he purchased himself a pair of $500 sunglasses, and we are supposed to go on vacation again in 3 weeks. However, he STILL complains that I don't let him breathe and spend the money he earns! For example: He wants to go gambling, so I gave him a $500 limit for one night. He said he wanted a $2,000 limit for 1 night?!?! Or...he wanted a new television that cost $5,000, but I said something around $2,000 would be more reasonable. (Personally, 2k is way to much on a tv...but I was trying to compromise)I know i'm complaining about an issue that I should've forseen before we got married, which was 2 1/2 years ago, but I honestly didn't know he was like this. We dated for 4 years!!! I feel incredibly ignorant for letting this slip by. I try to be responsible about money, but he just wants to throw it away. It is causing me to loose my mind! And...the worst part about this is that when I try to talk to him about it, I stay calm and collected while he automatically begins to throw temper tantrums like a 3 year old! He doesn't throw anything, but immediately threatens to quit his job and borrow money from his parents!!! Mind you--he's 30 years old!!!I honestly don't know what I'm doing here. I would like any advise if you have any about how to deal with the different ways we like to spend money, but really, I think I just needed someone to talk to or to voice my opinion. This man is driving me insaine!!!P.S. I should probably state that I do not work because of medical issues. I have been restricted for 4 months now and will not be cleared until November of this year. Is it possible that he doesn't appreciate me "living" off of him while i'm ill, even though he's my husband? We are not hurting financially, but we also don't have enough to just blow away...
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who replied. I got some great ideas of how to deal with our issues and look forward to trying them out. I really apreciate your time in answering my question. Thanks again!
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 June 2012):
 I don't know what your earning bracket is, so I'm not going to get hung up on a $2,000 gambling night, a Hummer, or a $5,000 TV. If these things are affordable, then that's fine.
I'm going to talk about Family Household, Inc. If you've ever owned a business, there's only one mindset to have when it comes to running the finances day to day, and that is to have a plan for the future.
The only way you're going to sway him is to show him the BENEFIT of being on a budget. Right now, all he sees is you telling him to stop spending for no reason. His ego is perceiving it as you nagging him and you trying to wield power over the financial engine of the relationship, and he's chafing because he thinks that since HE'S earned it, he gets to choose how to spend it.
So, you have to go along those very lines. Use his ego and spending tendencies in your favor. Instead of working against them, you draw up everything.
This will take some time, but first, map out every penny you earn in income. List every asset you have, plus every liability that you have. Your home and car and things are not assets, as they require an outflow of cash to maintain. Assets are 401(k), investment portfolios, commodity investments, savings, IRA's, CD's or Money Market accounts any annuities and inheritances. These things generate money for you (for the most part!)
Then, you map out every fixed expense. Mortgages, car payments, credit cards, utilities, bank charges, anything that keeps you with shelter or transportation.
Then you map EVERY variable expense. This is groceries, gas, meals, clothing, repairs, gifts, taxes, health costs, remittances to savings, investments, retirement accounts (treat those last three like BILLS), etc.
Once you've mapped out everything, then, like when you have your own business, then you and he sit down and talk about short and long term financial goals. When you first sit down, now isn't the time to minimize what he wants. You simply start, and he starts talking about what you both want. Listen to him and give him equal time to talk about where he wants to take Family Household, Inc.
THEN, after both you and he have exhausted your goals and dreams, you both agree to the rank of these goals. If the house fixing up costs are high up, or traveling, or saving for retirement, or paying off the house in 10 years or less, or maybe even buying or starting a business, or whatever comes onto the table, then when it's ranked, now it gets fun.
Then you both decide, AFTER setting the ranked goals for your household, how short term emotional spending will fit into the long term goals. Be prepared for a compromise, as both of you are equal Officers in this Family Household, Inc. If it so happens that you each get $1,000/month in spending, plus a $1,000 remittance in a Family entertainment budget, then so be it. This time, you both will have a clear idea as to WHY you budget yourselves, and since he came up with financial goals along with you, he can't call it you trying to control things.
Take into account individual hobbies as well. Remember, your hobbies are not more important than his, no matter whose is more expensive. If he likes to gamble, that's legitimate as long as it's not out of control. It just means that he might be playing at a $10 blackjack table instead of a $50 one.
For the first three months of your Trial Budget for Family Household, Inc., review with him at the end of the month. Things are flexible, and if it looks as if you can afford a little more in entertainment or personal spending, then it's okay to bump it up. Then, when he wants to go out and buy a $5,000 TV or whatever, you can ask "How do we classify that in the budget?". Then HE has to think about that. When something's on paper and mutually agreed upon, it's harder to argue against.
People who live in the moment can be given a measure of freedom to live in that moment, as long as it fits in the long term. Use these emotions to your advantage when you both set up the budget. Give him his own reasons for wanting to stay within the boundaries. A healthy family needs a financial road map with both long term and short term goals.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 June 2012):
 I Know how you feel about this.
my fiance and I have differing ideas on spending money.
for example we don't NEED a new tv in the living room but because we are in heavy spending mode right now (house renovations) he wants a new 60 inch TV for the living room and I think it's outrageous... but because he runs the budget (and he's very good at it so we are not in debt nor are we going without) he has final say...
I spend 300-500 on PRESCRIPTION glasses and die from that... for plain sunglasses I'd blow a fit if he spent that...
my JEEP just ran nearly 40K I can't imagine what your hummer cost...
just because you have the extra money does no mean you have to spend it.
as for the gambling... we are budgeting for that for Las Vegas later this year for the wedding... but we don't gamble on a regular basis and if you only do it once in a while I don't see a problem with it.
IF you have the extra money and are not hurting for things i can see his POV... but I get yours too.. you're not working you worry about the future..
his reaction (to quit his job etc) is much like my last husband who could not cope with stress or negativity. What i started to do with him after he refused to get counseling help or go on anti-depressants was just say OK
and take the wind out of his fight... I'd agree with him.
"sure hon, quit your job and go move home with mom and dad since I don't want to be with an unemployed man"
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (8 June 2012):
 I know what it's like to live with someone who loves to blow cash, in fact we almost lost our home over it and I am no longer married to him and now have my own home.
I sympathise with you greatly and don't think you are being unreasonable but as annoying as it is, your husband isn't going to listen to you all the while that you arn't working.
He will see it as his money and he can spend it however he wishes and in principal it is his right...even if he wants to bring you to bankrupsy and trash your life finacially...it's his call all the time you arn't contributing.
When you do begin to work again, I would ensure you have total control over your wages. Make sure you pay your share and maybe save a little for hard times.
You can try talking to him and make suggestions about how you can save together (when you are working) so that you can have a little security, but until you are bringing in the dosh you don't really have a voice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012): I think the gambling issue pretty much says it all. You need to be very careful with this one. It's possible he could have a serious issue with money. I don't know who in their right mind would buy a $500 pair of sunglasses. I think I am pretty stylish and I usually get mine for $15!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012): I think I would hold off on vacations or any major purchases until he gets his spending under control. Especially since you are currently only working with one income. It is ok to want nice things, but we can't just spend as much as we want without any consequences. I am not sure what to tell you except that if this is a long-term problem, you might have to take drastic measures. Some people don't want to be confronted or held responsible for their behavior...and they don't want to change. He may feel like he deserves all of these things because he makes the money, but he is in a marriage now and needs to think for TWO not just for one. I would leave his parents out of it because if you get them involved, he will be even more adament about rebelling against you. Sounds like he needs some boundaries.
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