A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know how this is going to sound. How many times have I heard that "She's different when we're alone!" and "I know it's bad, but I love her!" and "She'll change!" speech? I don't know, but here's mine.So, my girlfriend is a horrible alcoholic and recovering cocaine addict. She has been in treatment for the last year and is making a lot of headway. To do this, she went to live near her parents on the other side of the country. The problem is that whenever she comes to see me, when we go out together everything is fine, but when I go to work (I work nights) she goes out with her "old friends" and gets horribly drunk, and on two occasions coked-up. When she's drunk she is aggressive and out-of-control. She won't stop drinking until she's on the floor. I manage a café, she generally arrives towards the end of the night and blackmails people into coming out for a last drink with her. If I follow her, I end up scraping her off the pavement and stuffing her into a taxi while she yells at me and tries to smack me. If I don't follow her, she goes out anyway and calls me at six in the morning to get me to come down and wait for her in the road to pay the cab fare.I know, sounds pretty dismal so far. And if this were any other girl, I would have left her in the dust a LONG time ago. But the thing is, aside from that, our relationship is perfect. We connect on every level, mentally, emotionally and physically. We understand each other completely. I can talk to her about anything, including her drinking, and she is completely aware of her problem and ashamed of her behaviour. She has already made massive strides just to get to this point. The thing is that it's personality-rooted. She is very extreme - it's either all or nothing. This applies to everything, including her feelings for me - she is crazily in love with me and this makes her very possessive and jealous, especially because most of the time we are living on opposite sides of the country. And she loves alcohol the way she loves me.I think she should stay over there for a while longer, and continue her therapy. She wants to live with me. She says she can't continue living this way because it's too difficult never seeing each other, and it's driving her crazy. I understand that because I feel the same way, but at the same time I don't think she's ready to come back, and I can't go and live over there - I have invested my life's savings in my café and it's impossible for me to leave it at the moment. She gets insecure and says that if I loved her enough, I would want her to come and live with me. I do want her to live with me, that's not the point. Just not yet. I have explained this to her and she knows why, but she is dealing with trust issues due to the worst kind of childhood abuse, and she needs constant reassurance.I love her so much and I know that I'm good for her. Since we have been together, she has turned her life around. She's good for me, too - she makes me so happy, and I know that she understands me in a way that nobody ever has, and supports me in my decisions. I don't know what to do. Every time she comes to see me, it gets worse. I don't want her to fall back into her old ways. Please, help!
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (8 October 2008):
 You need to realise that she may love you but the alcohol and drugs are here first loves. You are going to have to give her tough love and tell her that she either gets the help she needs(which may include getting new friends) or you are gone.
She has to get the help she needs and must want to change not only for you but for herself. It is a downhill spiral and will only lead to other problems such as depression or something worse.
You can choose to be her friend and be there for moral support but if you continue to hold onto to her this condition it will only drag you down. It is obvious that you love her. Your caring nature prevents you from letting go. It's obvious that she has no self control over her addictions and it is a very dangerous road to travel.
Please suggest that she stops all of these bad patterns and replace them with other things that are positive. She is endangering her life and yours as well. Love isn't something you can just throw out...like garbage...it's special and meaningful. It is meant to last forever but sometimes one loves the wrong things for the wrong reasons. She has to love herself more than she loves the alchohol and drugs. She has to love you more than these also. If she can't make a clear desision then you have a choice to make. You can remain in the relationship or let her go. The choice is yours and I am sure a hard one to make but you must make it for your own peace of mind.
Sometimes when someone walks away it's all it takes for the other person to realise what they are missing. Sometimes they will do whatever it takes to set things right. I pray that she will be able to give her addictions away and give her love back to you.
God bless,
Blue_Angel
A
female
reader, chandra Mcmillan  +, writes (8 October 2008):
 All problems around drugs and alcohol are difficult and most councillors would say that you should not see her and let her get her head together. However I think this would actualy make her revert to her old ways with drinking and coke snorting.
She is lucky to have you by her side.
What I would suggest is you go and stay with her not her staying with you. If she goes with her old friends where you live then she will use you working as an excuse to get drunk.
Spend time doing somthing together, see if she has any hobbies away from the influences of the drink and drugs. Hiking, writting, Singing, swimming. Get her in to a new lease of life thinking about health not hurting herself by drinking and taking any drugs,
I can not say that she will get better but she has made the beginging to a new life and you seem to want to be a part of that.
I HOPE I HAVE HELPED
GOOD LUCK
...............................
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