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female
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anonymous
writes: Ive just found emails that my dad has sent and received from various men, and there sexually explicit. My parents have been married 25 years and now suddenly my dad seems to be bi and cheating on my mum. I have no idea whether he has done anything, but the emails have disgusted me and I have no idea who my dad is anymore. I have told him I know what his doing and he better stop it or he will lose everything. But I am so confused by it all, I havent been able to speak to him or face him, im making up excuses not to eat dinner with the family. But im unsure whether he is going through a mid life crisis because he has long term planes with my mum - holidays with friends, holidays on there own together. My mum is so happy and I dont want to tell her because she will be destraught and I just dont know what to do about it all. Im the only one who knows out of my whole family i have 2 siblings also. Im just really finding it tough about what to do, I dont want to split my family up and hurt my mum, but I have no idea what the hell my dad is doing and right now I hate him for it. If anyone could offer me advice I would appreiciate it so much. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (18 February 2010):
I think the best thing is to tell him to tell her himself. Give him an ultimatum that he has to tell her or you will. What will tear up your family is your mother getting AIDS. Men who are 'living on the down-low' (google the term) are often engaging in promiscuous sex without protection and with numerous partners. They are not like the regular openly gay men who have real relationships and know the risks associated with promiscuity. So take steps to protect your mother by helping save her life. It will be very hard and painful, but then again this might lead to your dad getting the help he needs to stop living this double life. Look at that pastor Ted Haggard; only when he was outed did he seek help and he also managed to save his marriage. .
A
male
reader, childof1981  +, writes (18 February 2010):
 Are you certain you mother does not know? Perhaps you mother and father have an arrangement or are in an open marriage? Perhaps they were not comfortable telling you about their relationship? I don't know too many people that would share something like that with their children.
Talk with your father and keep an open mind. If he is actually cheating on you mother with men then ask him to have the courage to talk with your mother about it. It may end things it may not, but she has a right to know.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 February 2010):
I would doubt this is something that has happened suddenly. People don't suddenly turn gay. It's more likely he's always felt this way and has only just made a move on it all. He needs to tell her, and if he doesn't, I think you should. She needs to know what is happening. There are clearly problems in the marriage if he cheating, and clearly things that need to be said by him. You need to know the truth.
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A
female
reader, kellyO +, writes (18 February 2010):
 Hi,
Read your mail and my heart went out to you. It must have been tough finding out and keeping it from everyone especially your mum.It is a difficult situation you are in now.
Have a talk with your dad and encourage him to come clean with your mum otherwise you will have to let her know. Dont think this should be kept a secret even though you would like to.It says their relationship has alot of problems not out in the surface.
Lot of issues can arise from this which might not be good for either. Is better your mum finds out and decides for herself if she would like to stay with him or not.
If he doesnt tell her i would go ahead and let her know. the best way to protect her is tell her. Dont worry if she wont believe you just be glad u have told her
All the besr
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): Sorry to say but the fact that you just found out your dad is gay doesn't mean that it suddenly happened. He has either been doing this throughout his entire marriage to your mom (mum) or he is a latent homosexual, meaning that he has always had these tendencies, but he has just never acted upon them before.
Given the inherent health risks associated with the male homosexual existence, you must suck it up and be the man for both of you. You must confront your dad as difficult as it may be for the health of your mum. Explain to him that he owes it to your mum to tell her what is going on.
If he acts upon his other side and engages with another man, there is no guarantee that we will not contract a STD, which could be fatal to him and your mum. Do you want to lose them both?
Your mum should know what is (has) been going on so she can deal with it and take the necessary precautions.
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A
female
reader, Tarawr +, writes (18 February 2010):
 I think it's best to tell her. "I'd rather cry over the truth than smile over a lie." He has made these completely conscious decisions, and he is married. Your mother deserves to know. If you were married, or even just dating, I think you'd appreciate someone to inform you.
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