A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've known my friend (we'll call him Ron) for almost 4 years. We met during the first year of university.I met a wonderful man (we'll call him Thomas) during my summer exchange program in another country. Over the past 1.5 years, I've been in a long distance relationship and we are finally closing the distance by me moving over to Thomas's country. Most of my friends are happy for me, except for Ron. 1. He thinks I'm rushing into things by cohabiting with Thomas, often asking if I think I'm moving too quickly with Thomas. 2. He likes to ask why it doesn't "bother" me that I'm not working right after my Bachelor's (I'm moving over to Thomas's country to do a Master's degree. Besides school fees, I'm paying for everything else myself.) 3. I've expressed that Thomas is someone I can see myself marrying. Marriage is something Thomas and I have both discussed and agreed on when we complete our studies. But Ron likes to ask "Are you really sure he is someone you want to marry?" I do not appreciate that he is second-guessing my relationship. Thomas and I have been together for almost two years. While LDR has been difficult, we've communicated effectively instead of arguing. Yet I am also unsure if Ron is trying to show his way of "tough love". Or if he is being resentful that he didn't apply for a Masters program (I know it is something he wants to do in future) and has to start work immediately, having to provide for his family. His family is placing a lot of pressure on him to provide for them for some reason. Other background information: -Both guys have never met each other. -Ron can be on the conservative side, doesn't approve of cohabitation before marriage etc. -Ron is gay, so I am very sure Ron doesn't like me. Ron also does not have a boyfriend.Not sure if my friend is being passive-aggressive, or am I being sensitive?
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female
reader, ArtisticBiscuit +, writes (28 May 2016):
 I get the feeling Ron is looking out for you and doesn't want you to get hurt.
OR he also has feelings for you (strong friendship) and doesn't want you to be so far away.
He has to accept this and work on ways to keep in contact.
You're going to have to reassure him that moving with Thomas isn't for the wrong reasons.
You can come back if it doesn't work out with Thomas after studies.
You're not sensitive and Ron isn't passive. Ron's simply looking out for your best interests. Not wanting you to rush a life changing decision.
Ron's views on cohabitation before marriage being bad is something he needs to get over.
It's your life, not his. Do what you feel makes your life happiest.
-ArtisticBiscuit
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (28 May 2016):
Ron is the friend with the courage to express the concerns that some of your other friends may well have kept to themselves. The truest friends you have aren’t always the ones who smile and congratulate you. His behaviour is understandably frustrating, but it sounds like it is borne out of concern. He’s not telling you not to follow your plans, he’s just asking if you’re sure, and if one of my dear friends were going to make a life change this big, I’d ask them if they were absolutely sure especially if I’d never met the person they were moving to be with. So don’t be hard on Ron. Tell Ron you appreciate his concerns but if you’ve made your decision, tell him clearly that you’ve made it and ask him to understand even if he does not agree. Perhaps Ron is going to miss you. Perhaps you could show him you appreciate his concern and his friendship by introducing him to Thomas: surely Thomas should get to know the people that are important in your life? It could be a quick Skype chat, but it might make things easier between you and Ron.
We’ve all got friends, colleagues and relatives who are prepared to challenge us to think again and question our decisions. They can be maddening, but it’s nearly always unwise not to reflect on what they say.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 May 2016):
 I would not call Ron passive - aggressive , since in fact he is very open and clear in expressing his misgivings about your relationship.
The point is , has he got the right to express these misgivings ? Should not he simply accept that if you are happy then everybody is happy, and mind his own business ?... Maybe ; but if he really is a good, close friend, maybe he is not overstepping his boundaries , or he feels in good faith he is not overstepping his boundaries, by voicing his doubts about the soundness of your decisions. Friends are there not only to give us kudoos and accolades, and do not necessarily have to agree upon each and any of our choices.
LDRs ARE generally difficult and fraught with hidden pitfalls , so it's normal, I think , that lots of people see them with suspicion. You have known Thomas for 18 months, but one thing is 18 months of daily, in person contact, and all another 18 months of emails and phone calls . Said that, though, it's not like you are leaving to marry Thomas straight away, you are closing the distance exactly to verify that you are compatible in the long run living together AND you are not neglecting your future for Thomas, in fact you will be pursuing a higher degree while you'll be in his country. So, it does not seem an impulsive, harebrained scheme, or one which should raise so many comments.
We can exclude a romantic attachment since Ron is gay- but people can get attached to their friends regardless. When you move for him it will be a big change, and he is not welcoming it , of course. I think he simply hates to see you go. And not being so present and important in your life from now on, as he used to be.
If what he says bothers you- tell him. Nicely, not confrontationally, but tell him ( otherwise you'd be passive - aggressive too ). Tell him that you do appreciate his interest and that his comments, although negative, show that he cares about you. But at the end of the day, you have made your firm decisions and mapped up your future at least for the next couple of years , so it is pointless to bring up always the same things which won't afect what's going to happen. Reason for which, you'd love if he could show you support and wish you well, - and if he can't, well, there are many other conversation subjects you can choose from, since this one has been already debated enough .
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