A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,Please advise. I unfortunatley set up a pattern where I do the majority of the calling to my BF and am now trying to undo it and it not working!! For instance - I saw him last week - all was ok, then I did not hear from him so called him today like 5 days on, and he sounds really happy to hear from me,and i asked him what he was up to later? and he said he did not know, and that he would call back, then he said to call him when I finish work. I was like ok, but why do I always have to make the moves? I have tried the not calling at all, and he eventually calls but after some time, and those time periods are getiing longer and longer. He is used to me calling , I know that, but like today, I don't see why I should call him after work when he has already told me he does not know what he is doing, and chase him. How can I change this? He is not the best BF in th world and knows this and always seems grateful when I do call after some time. Shall I not call him for a few days and leave him waiting so he get's the message? it;s making me feel a bit silly .I'm not game playing, I am just trying to get some sort of balance back . I feel he is trying to keep some sort of power in the relationship? Please advise. xxx
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 September 2012):
 Thank you for the update… see it’s less than a week and you are starting to feel a bit better… I promised you time would help… don’t push yourself too hard too fast… with permission to mourn it takes some of the sting out… glad we could help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood news all. I am getting over it!! I've felt a bit cack for a few days, but as each day passes, I am getting back to feeling happy again. I can't believe it. I thought the pain would last forever.. it's getting less and less each day, although the nightimes are a bit hard, I know that in time that will go to. TIME REALLY DOES HEAL. :o) So 'welcome my new life.'.. x Thanks xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks So very confused. Time is the answer. I.m feeling so bad that i didn.t get out of bed yesterday at all. It.s the way he.s gone about things that hurts as well. I.m still in bed 24 hours later.I.m not used to being without it all.and it feels weire.part of me even wants to ring him,and regrets sending that email,but i won.t call,as he.s bad for me,and i.m tired of getting hurt over and over. Ok. I.ll allow myself 6 weeks,and get on. Thanks.x
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 September 2012):
we always give ourselves 6 weeks to mourn and feel lousy and eat ice cream and cry and watch old movies and obsess about him...
after 6 weeks we have to pull up our big girl panties and go on with life.
It will come very very slowly and gradually
at first you will think of him 24/7
then one day you will wake up and he will not be your first thought... but he will still be with you most of the day
then one day you wont' think of him till lunch time
then one day a few months or so later on.... dinner time
and then ONE day you will you not think of him till bed...
then later on one day you realize... I did not think about him yesterday.... and then you are healed... it could take a very very VERY long time... that's normal
you have 6 weeks to be as miserable as you like...
after that you have to get out and start living even if it hurts.... you don't have to date yet... but you have to go out and be with people and be open to meeting them... not dating....
you will heal....
the opposite of love btw is not hate or anger... it's ambivalence...
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAunty Em. I.m still feeling jealous about him,and other women! It.s ridiculous. He can now go do what he wants,and i.m not even anywhere near ready to find a replacement. I don.t know why it.s consuming me. I need to get busy i guess. X
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat sounds horrid Aunty Em. I know what you mean re. Cracking after a few days. I was doing that for the last 6 weeks. It just seemed to creep up on me,and before i knew it, i.d called him. I stayed in bed for 3 weeks once too over a guy i lost. Am hoping it won.t get to me too much this time. I can.t crack. It.s not easy is it? I.ve not done much today. I feel like i.m getting over an illness. It.s weird.x
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 September 2012):
 To be honest I was in a similar situation a few years ago when I guy I dated for a few years split with me. It hit me really hard and he's really the only guy I have ever obsessed over. I'd go a few days and then crack and call him. Once I called and he was on a date!!!! (painful)
I sunk into a deep depression and at my worst, could not get out of bed for several day (it was bad). I couldn't even figure out why I felt so bad, just knew I missed him.
Eventually I did resist calling him, first for a few days, then a few weeks and then suddenly I realised I was getting through the day without thinking about him and months and then years passed.
Seriously it had made me so ill, I doubted I'd ever recover...but I did. I moved on and rediscovered my life again.
I don't think I'd ever allow myself to get so down like that again, I felt I had lost all my power, it was good to get it back and move on...and I mean REALLY move on.
Life is short...and as good and as happy as you yourself make it. xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Aunty Em . I actually woke up with a snall sense of relief today. :o) I know it;s going to take time, and I will have my down periods and am upset that he didn;t even acknowledge my email, but there you go. What a scallywag.!! I think in a few weeks I WILL feel back to my normal self. I can;t see it right now and am still obsessing a bit and my ego is a bit crushed. You are right - I need only to think of myself now. I'm still jealous, but that will fade to in time. What a nightamre episode. I think I am now in a period of adjustment. xx
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 September 2012):
Try not to think about what he will be doing in his future...only think about your future and what you plan to do, where you plan to go, who you plan to meet.
I sense your anger and upset and right now it seems impossible to get over him...but let me say, it IS entirely possible and as the days go on, you will feel better and stronger.
Keep busy and don't dwell on the past, because nothing can change whats happened...it's just the natural time to move on.
xxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Aunty Em,and So very confused. Yes,it does absolve him of blame. He was pushing me to end it,and I finally did by email this evening. I wrote 'name. I.m not prepared to be treated as if i don.t exsist. This is not working for me anymore. Good luck for your future.'. I kinda made it easy for him right? He was pushing it that way. The calls were getting less,and his behaviour was getting worse. It.s been erratic for weeks. It am hurt,but feel better for having taken some of the power back,rather than sit around waiting to see if he calls again,as he may have done when he was at a loose end. And yes,it is huge disrespect after so long. He,s been dissapearing for ammounts of time,and then resurfacing breifly,being nice,then acting up again. I asked him if there was someone else,and of course,he denied it. The last time i saw him, he was all over me,but recently i.ve been stronger,and standing up for myself. This may have been part of why he left. My ego is a bit crushed,as i did have strong feelings for him,and thought he felt the same. Obviously, i was wrong! At least now i don.t feel like a victim,but am still feeling a bit jealous about him,and other woman. I suspect that will go soon. Sorry re. Long post. Just wanted to get it down. X
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 September 2012):
Two years and he is ignoring you?...huge disrespect.
Its a shame he didn't have the balls to end it with you like a gentleman. By treating you badly, it absolves him of blame when you finally fold...what a weazle!!!
Keep your chin up xxx
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 September 2012):
I'm so sorry OP.... it sucks...
remember: LIVING WELL is the BEST revenge
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToo f***king long Aunty Em.!! Coming up to TWO YEARS in october.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 September 2012):
How long did you date this guy?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. I called him ( stupidly) he totally does not want to know and is not anserwing my call. Thats the end of it. At least I know now. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all, thanks for your patience!! I;m in bits,as I have put myslef in bad postion and am now paying for it. He still hasn;t called or texted. It;s the weekend now. If he odes not call this weekend, I will take it as over and move on. I'm gutted, as I did actually like him alot, but think he may have started seeing someone else, and thats why he is acting like this. I won;t be his fallback girl. I guess I had better start getting over it. ..xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so very confused and Aunty Em. It IS driving me nuts!! I will give him 10 days and then I am off.... if he can't be bothered to make the effort within that time and wants to wait for me to do it, I won;t. I have invested enough energy into this , and don;t have much more to give. xx so we'll see. :o)
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 September 2012):
 OP: I KNOW you want, desperately, for some Aunt(s)/Uncle(s) to give you encouragement for your chasing this character.... But - REALLY - is there any future in it????
Why not just reconcile to yourself that he is a JERK and is NOT WORTH YOUR TIME OR MENTAL ENERGY??????
Good luck.....
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 September 2012):
040392611401
You give it as long as you are willing to wait. A week? 2 Weeks.
IF I was supposedly SERIOUS with a guy and I didn’t call him and he didn’t’ call to check on me after 3 days I’d figure I was not that important to him. But that’s me and I expect daily contact. I have very independent friends who could go a week or two and not think twice about it.
For me when we were LDR and we were not serious, I had to go over a week… eventually we were in contact daily by email then phone calls a couple of times a week and finally contact minimum of twice a day… till we moved in together… So how long you wait depends on how long you can bear to wait…
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 September 2012):
You can put a dead line on it as long as you carry out the threat if the deadline passes.
If you say to yourself 'We are over if he don't call in 3 days' you must be prepared to end it after 3 days or there is no point setting a deadline TBH.
I can see this is driving you crazy, it would drive anyone crazy.
So very confused is 100% right, look at his actions NOT his words.
You may not feel like quitting today or next week or next month, if his bad behaviour continues, but eventually you will hit a wall and that will be that.
For today, for now, give him another chance to respond to your being direct...but only set a deadline if you are prepared to quit his arse completely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer. So how long do I give it So very Confused? I need a cut off point, as he may decided to reappear after sometime, and i don;t want to be thrown off balance, andfor him to think he can walk back into my life when he wants., but or my own sake I need a stop point!!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 September 2012):
LISTEN TO HIS ACTIONS not his words.
words mean NOTHING.
I have a fiance who NEVER says "I love you" but his actions tell me he loves me more than any man who has ever said it to me over and over.
if he does not contact you... end it... don't bother to tell him... just move on
then when he does call you say "oh I'm sorry I didn't hear from you for XXX (however long it was) so I figured we were done. I need a man who can...." xxx and put in what you need from him
then say "i wish you well have a nice life" hang up and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat do I do if he does not call me in a week ?!! Assume it;s over right? and dump his 'no effort making 'ass ?!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe;s just responding now - thats the only difference. I am really glad I was direct with him though. Thanks for the A. E :o)
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLOL!! Aunty Em. Ok. so it's ok for him to call me in a WEEK!! We are supposed to be somehow together? I thin kbasket weaving is a darn good option right now. ANYTHING to take my mind of it and stop calling him. How long do I give him? because if he does not do the right thing now, I surely have to put some sort of deadline on it, or else he could ring in tow weeks and I am supposed to take him back???
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 September 2012):
Exactly!!
You have told him what you want and need in clear plain english...
Now it's firmly up to him to pick up the ball.
Us girls can be all twitchy and impatient can't we...always thinking we have to push and push but nows the time to sit back and wait.
He's still calling you baby and texting (although not as much as you want)...so I'd say there is still life in the relationship but try to be a bit more relaxed now that you have told him what you want...at least give him a chance.
Someone once said to me that a womans hour is equivalent to a guys week, both have different ideas on urgency, so try to meet in the middle.
All you can do now is wait, distact yourself, bury the phone, take up basket weaving!!! anything to take your mind off the situation...wait and see what happens!!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPS - When I spoke to him last night, he was all baby, this , that and the other, and texted me 'goodnight' Not sure that's someone who is ending it? I'm confused. I think my only option now I have told him what the problem is and he has acknowledged it , is to back right off and see, but I do not want to be left in the position of now knowing and waiting!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All, thanks for taking the time to answer me it;s been helpful. :o) Aunty Em, I did as you sugessted and sent him a text today re: 'Please could you call me more often' and smile :-) . I think you are right as in the direct route is easier. He texted me straight back saying 'ok.! xxx'. So what do I do now? sit it out and see if he changes? i can;t really call him again after saying that!! Not sure he wants to end it really. Only time will tell, but I certainly won;t be at his mercy hoping and waiting. I will take it as over if I do not hear from him soon. I think also because I am now not calling as regularly as I used too, it;s unerving hm, and he tries to sit it out and see if I will call and when he can;t take any more he calls.. or maybe can;t be bothered and just doesn;t care.. Maybe he did think I was off with someone else, or losing interest, but either way, I can;t be the one doing all the calling and chasing. what to do /assume now? Thanks xx
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (6 September 2012):
 Simple. Next time you want to do something with him make the offer and then tell him firmly to call you for all the details If he tries to turn the tables just be firm and say, "No, I think this time you need to be the one to call me for a change." And then if he doesn't call forget him completely. The date is off and so is the relationship. Why would you continue to be in a relationship that doesn't really excite you when you have to do all the rowing?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2012): When this kind of behaviour starts happening he is afraid to tell you its over as eventualy you will get so fed up and do what he couldnt do end it
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2012): I had a friend guy in my GYM for a few years, than he moved out of the area, and I don't hear from him anymore. But for years I saw him at least 2-3 times a week and he confided to me about his various girlfriends. One was like you calling him all the time, and so on. He lost interest in her long ago, would keep relationship only for occasional sex, and told me that he wants to end it flawless, he doesn't want any drama.Gradually he said. Then she would make a scene telling him she doesn't want a part time boyfriend. And he would ask me how she doesn't see the situation. He doesn't call her anymore, they meet up only when she calls and asks him to meet. They don't really do anything but going to bed, and couple hours later he is trying to get rid of her. That's the story, may be it will help you to determine what's going on.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (5 September 2012):
 He could've met someone else, he could be trying to move on, he could just not like making effort. No one knows. What you do is talk to him. Tell him you are sick of calling all the time and want him to call now. If he still doesn't then he doesn't care or make any effort and drop him. Certainly don't continue to call him in this case, if you aren't worth the effort to him then he shouldn't be worth it to you. And don't sit in silence and hope he gets what you are trying to do. For all you know he could've expected you to call because you said you would and when you never did he thought you are off with someone else or losing interest. Then being too proud he ignored you right back. You need to communicate to fix this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2012): I'm guilty of the kind of behaviour your boyfriend exhibits. One reason why I do it is because I do get too wrapped up in other things that I don't have time.
But really my reluctance to make contact lies with my first love. He told my sister that I text/called him too much and he found it a bit too much. I was absolutely mortified and to this day, I will not text/call my now boyfriend first. It's something embedded on my psyche. Not contacting him for a few days won't work. I think you need to tell him that you would appreciate him making the effort more.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 September 2012):
Honey if you are not happy with how things are you have to make the changes... IF you want him to call you more than you have to let him call you, that means not calling.
DO NOT be sitting around waiting for him to call however, get out and have a life and be busy... who knows you might meet someone who's a better fit for you... because this is an issue where it's not a good fit.
It's like a boat...
you and the boyfriend are in a rowboat
you sit in front with a set of oars
he sits in back with a set of oars
you both start out rowing the boat.
you THINK he's helping and you are rowing as hard as you can...
you figure he is too and you get tired so you stop rowing... the boat stops moving... you just drift along.. because HE WAS NOT ROWING THE BOAT AT ALL JUST COASTING ALONG ON YOUR EFFORT
STOP rowing your relationship boat and let him do the work for a bit...
if you think he doesn't want a relationship any more are you at his mercy? do you still want a relationship with a man who is making no effort? why or why not?
why don't you end it with him if you are not happy? (rhetorical question for you to think about)
aren't you worth being called, being seen and being cherished?
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 September 2012):
Hard to say 100% if he has found someone else but the fact that he doesn't call you or do his fair share of first contact suggests he is maybe winding down the relationship.
Men tend to avoid ending a relationship even if they want it to end...sounds as if he is sliding you out of the picture in his own way but wants to avoid hurting you, so he's subtle in stringing out the contact, maybe in the hope that you will either tolerate the new arrangement and give him more space or end things yourself.
Asking him if he want to end things will never lead him to say yes, even if that is what he wants.
It's much easier to let things slide and have you orchestrate the dismantling.
I think if it were me I'd try the direct route and just ask him to call you more often...because it's just a nice thing to do...maybe he's just missing the cue and need telling directly:
'Please could you call me more often' and smile :-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPS - it's either he has someone, or he is doing it deliberatley. Either one is not good. What to do??
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLOL!! sageold Guy - so it's a bit of a game to him is it? That's horrible. The thing is, I always feel that is i DON'T call him . he won;t bother at all, and I get worried and end up calling him. he knows this probably too? I wi lask him if he has someone else, ( I did a few weeks back and he said no..., and I asked him if he was shopping aournd for someon else and he said no and aksed methe same question to whic I said no as I have not). How many times can I aks him this? maybe I should teach him a lesson and just not call him later?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 September 2012):
If I were a very-fast racing greyhound, and there was a cute French poodle who chased me, I would slow down, periodically, to let her "catch" me....
Good luck....
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think he may have someone else, as I hardly see him these days
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe doens;t call me for days at a time these days. It;s like he is not interested anymore - but won;t say it
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